After years of informal child support, should I now get court-ordered support?

For the past 4 years, my ex-wife and I have arranged, between the two of us, the child support I will receive. We split 50/50 custody of our two children and she makes over twice what I do. It has been not easy. She'll often try to renegotiate the amount and we typically agree on an amount that is 25% or more less than what the state would calculate. Twice now she had cried poor and tried to ask me to do without receiving child support. She did this again last night and I am getting kind of tired of it. I feel I am been more than flexible. She pays much less than the state would ask, I allow her to pay late or break up the payments as she can. When she was unemployed, I even didn't ask for any child support, even though it completely drained my savings accounts.

We have an amicable relationship and are able to co-parent well, but this child support thing is a frequent stress. I have gotten to the point where, after an e-mail last night where she didn't ask, but *told* me she was stopping child support in January. I'm considering getting the courts involved. I wanted to hear from people who had gone through this: went from an informal agree to a court ordered one and what your experiences were. I want to maintain a good relationship with my ex-wife for the kids, but I can't just let her stop paying support, especially since we already agreed to a new amount earlier this year and neither of our circumstances have changed.

Before you file for court ordered child support, you should tell her what your intentions are. Yes, it will cause a riff between you but at least she has one last opportunity to pay her share before the court decides on the amount. For that matter they may award you for back money owed.

I get that you are wanting to keep the peace, but she's taking advantage of that and in turn you are doing more than your share and feeling resentful.

I went through something similar and we had a court ordered agreement. But even with that he played all sorts of head games from giving it to me late, making me ask for it, writing the check for the wrong amount, unilaterally deducting from the amount. We were not amicable so I had nothing to lose when I filed to have his paycheck garnished. He wasn't happy about it, but you can only tolerate bs for so long.

You've been nice long enough.

Just be prepared that she may go for more custody. People who have to pay typically do this. Not because it's what's good for the child but it offsets the amount they'd have to pay. What you have in your favor it that you two have had equal share of the child up until now. She'd have to have a really compelling reason to change it at this point.

At the very least, seek legal advise and then decide what you will do. Knowledge is power.

Thank you for your advice. In my reply, I did tell her my intentions. In short, I said I appreciated our amicable relationship and ability to be successful co-parents. That I did not want to get court ordered support because of this and would much rather handle it individually, but if she did not want to continue to do so, I would have to file for support. I haven't heard back, but I let her know I intended to go the courts if we were unable to resolve this.

I would hope she wouldn't go for more custody. We've had it split 50/50 so far and I feel it has worked out really well. There is no reason I can think of why she could justify taking custody away from me. I have a very steady job, a comfortable home in a safe neighborhood, and have always been a good father to the kids.

I had considered legal advice, but with the holidays approaching, can not afford it at this time.

You have to do what you have to do as a parent... child support is for the best interests of your children and a parent can't just decide they are done paying for their kids. Hopefully the reply you sent her is enough to bring her to her senses... however do be prepared in case she decides to get her own legal advice.

I think that if you had your kids 80-100% of the time, you should -- but really -- can't you just pay for what the kids need when they are with you (meals, lunch money, they tear their jeans so you buy new), and she does when they are with her, agreeing to divvy up some of the big expenses like tuition, etc, either an equitable amount or have her pay those things? I guess i don't understand why she needs to pay support to you vs just figuring our what expenses are paid by who. Maybe its a matter of sitting down and looking at what things cost etc

If she's going to stop payment totally in January and she's been known to skip payments, I think you have to go to court to force her to make payments to you for now until the kids are 18 (or more if they go to college). Do you really think she wants the kids more? A custody battle is usually separate from child support proceedings. But I think you might have to go to court in this situation.

In the meantime, practice communicating financial matters through email. That way you have documentation.

I wouldn’t push it.

If you have 50/50 custody the courts aren’t going to make her pay simply because she makes more money. 50/50 typically means there are no payments.

I must say I’m confused why she’s paying you to begin with. I was always under the impression the parent who has the children MORE is entitled to child support not the parent who makes less. I’m sorry you’re struggling but that doesn’t mean you’re entitled to her income. Unless you are the parent primarily caring for the children, you got no case. And you’ve said twice now it’s 50/50 so I’m curious what leg you believe you have to stand on. Serious question, is it not 50/50? Did you misspeak?

I wouldn’t push it.

 

If you have 50/50 custody the courts are going to make her pay simply because she makes more money. 50/50 typically means there are no payments.

 

I must say I’m confused why she’s paying you to begin with. I was always under the impression the parent who has the children MORE is entitled to child support not the parent who makes less. I’m sorry you’re struggling but that doesn’t mean you’re entitled to her income. Unless you are the parent primarily caring for the children, you got no case.

its not alimony.

I agree. I have never seen 50-50 where any child support was given beyond agreements of the wealthier parent helping to pay for a first car or school or the "extras" - class trip, etc, unless the less wealthy parent is a stay at home parent due to the number/ages or having a special needs child /working part time when they don't have the kids. If both parents are making a living (affording a house or a safe apartment on their own with no help, etc, the parent making more money is not penalized).

Hello all,

Thank you all for your advice. Yes, it is not alimony and calculated differently. In the state I live, expense sharing is calculated as a percentage based on income. For example, health insurance: Say one parent pays $130 in health insurance for the kids. Rather than split it evenly down the middle, the parent that has a larger income has to pay a larger share of the cost. That way the expense isn't an undue burden on the parent who makes less. It is also adjusted based on time with each parent, but since we shared 50/50, this doesn't affect things one way or another. That's the way it is calculated both in my current state and the previous one I've lived in, but I'm not sure it is nation-wide. So yes, to the previous 2 responders, the courts would actually make the parent who makes more cover a greater amount of expenses. The intention is that there's not a disparity in the living conditions of the children at both houses. That said, it's not my intention to get involve in a discussion over child support laws. I did want to clear that up though.

@reinventmyself: Luckily, we always have done child support negotiations over e-mail and I've saved them. So I have an e-mail trail of the agreements we've made in the past. This is actually one of my worries with going forward with the court: I actually don't want any additional child support from her. I just want the amount we mutually agreed upon earlier this year. It's not my intention to do this to punish my ex-wife or cause her any undue hardship. So I worry, if I go forward with a support order, that'll be out of my hands. I'm pretty sure they don't let you negotiate down from the amount they quote.

I don't think she'd want to have the kids more. At least I hope not. That could turn the fight really ugly. I'm not going to let go of my shared custody without a battle. That said, I don't think that would happen, as we've had this setup for 4 years and it's been working. I don't see (I hope) the courts going against that.

I don't have sympathy for men in her situation and I don't have sympathy for her. If she wanted to avoid paying child support, she shouldn't have risked having a child with someone less financially capable on his own to support his child's standard of living as well as their own, whether previously or as a consequence of putting your career on hold to care for the kid.

I will say I'm not a fan of taking a joint custodial parent to the cleaners, but it doesn't seem to be the case if you've been content informality accepting less. If you know that the child support is in essence spilling into unofficial spousal support, then no, I don't think it's right to push for a maximum payment simply because the state lets you. Still, it's good it exists even when talking 50/50 as God forbid a parent be the one to put their profession on hold only to four years later be held equally responsible for finances related to the kid.

At the end of the day, be honest about the extent and properness of her contributions towerd your child and, by extension, your household. At least within the purview of this thread, you have a much better idea whether you're being greedy or simply doing right by your kid.

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I would be careful pursuing this. She makes more money so she could go after you for more custody and just draw it out legally since she can afford to.

I don't think I am being greedy. As I mentioned, the amount she pays me is hundreds less than the state would require her too and I am very okay with that.

I think part of the issue we have is that, though I make less money (even with child support included), I budget well and keep good track of my finances. I almost never go out to eat, I keep grocery costs low by shopping at discount grocery stores and by avoiding prepared or high cost foods. I don't have the newest anything electronic (this post is written on an ancient Dell D630 ;). I lead a very modest lifestyle with very little "stuff." Because of this, I am financially safe and able to save money.

On the other hand, she goes out for almost all meals, buys a lot of stuff, and generally isn't financially responsible. So she, despite making considerably more than I do (even taking out child support), is on more tenuous financial ground. So I feel like she thinks, because of this, she is providing some sort of spousal support. When, in fact, I am comfortable because I am good with my money.

The problem with not pursuing this at all is that I can't afford to just lose the child support she is providing. There really are two options: we either renegotiate (once again) or I have to go through the courts. Yes, she could use her funds to draw this out into a custody battle, but I don't see that happening. She would have very little to base this on and this would likely distance herself from her family, who would oppose this idea. She could definitely make it awful, no doubt, but I don't foresee this leading to losing custody of my children.

How she spends her money is none of your business. She has the child half the time so half the expenses are already hers, and that’s what she’s responsible for. Just because she makes more money doesn’t mean she should have to pay more of your bills, you’re not together and you’re fully capable of providing for yourself. I do think you’re being greedy, and I think the earlier poster was correct that this will turn into a custody battle that she will be able to afford long past you. Id be very careful if I were you...

Okay, so that's now how child support actually works. But it's not my intention to get into that here. Thank you all for your help and advice.

Okay, so that's now how child support actually works. But it's not my intention to get into that here. Thank you all for your help and advice.

Do you know how it works for sure? Have you consulted a lawyer?

I do know how it works. We've previously based our child support agreement based on state guidelines. We just did a modified version so she wouldn't have to pay as much.

How many lawyer hours (and vacation hours) do you expect a court case to take?

Figure that into number of months of new support. I bet the cost is >1 year. Then let her go some months without paying if it comes to that and document your communications. Once it becomes bad, THEN take her to court.

You should plan on $200-400 an hour for your lawyer. Not cheap.

How she spends her money is none of your business. She has the child half the time so half the expenses are already hers, and that’s what she’s responsible for. Just because she makes more money doesn’t mean she should have to pay more of your bills, you’re not together and you’re fully capable of providing for yourself. I do think you’re being greedy, and I think the earlier poster was correct that this will turn into a custody battle that she will be able to afford long past you. Id be very careful if I were you...

AMEN.

If you can't afford where you live or what you have, take courses to get a promotion at work to make more money or what have you. The day the divorce is final is the day you stop being able to try to take more from her to make your life more equitable. The fact that she has her kids 50 percent of the time and is paying you like she has no custody -- i agree if you go to court you may lose what she gives you

The actual filling for and enforcement of child support isn't litigated. You can involve a lawyer to dispute the court's determination, but then you're delving into preponderance of the evidence territory. It's generally not as easy as even having a spare few grand.

Frankly, I care neither about yours or her plight here. At the end of the day, child support is intended for the child to sustain a relatively constant standard of living regardless of the present custodial parent. There's a reason the child support for Tiger's kids comes with a couple extra zeroes than what the rest of us might expect. Junior doesn't get the steakhouse with mom or pop only to enjoy top ramen and potatoes with the other. By consequence, fair or not, this means the lesser earner can benefit. This extends to joint custody agreements. Don't spread your legs or shove it in if you're too spiteful to accept that.

Joint custody isn't about splitting expenses 50/50. It's about both parents being present. It would hardly be reasonable if a woman gave up her job to raise her children at home, only to be equal parts financially responsible afterward for having done so. Not knowing the OP's situation, I'm willing to extend at least some benefit that there might be some cause for support.

Again, you're gonna do what you're gonna do. All of us would hope you wouldn't be a d1ck about it if an honest reflection would tell you it is fair if she pays no or at least less support. All we can hope for is that you do put the effort into that honest reflection.

And don't whine about her going to restaurants. You'll get everyone rolling their eyes, myself included. No one likes petty.

Just curious.

If the poster was a woman who made considerably less then her wealthy husband, found it challenging to make ends meet and provide for her children half the time, would you still give the same advise?

Especially when the father had agreed to a (possible) state ordered lesser amount and then unilaterally decided to not honor the it?

Just curious.

If the poster was a woman who made considerably less then her wealthy husband, found it challenging to make ends meet and provide for her children half the time, would you still give the same advise?

Especially when the father had agreed to a (possible) state ordered lesser amount and then unilaterally decided to not honor the it?

Actually, I think the fact that he’s a man is why he’s being supported even though he has stated multiple times their custody is 50/50 and has made more than one passive aggressive comment about her income. The sad reality is a man sneezes in the direction of his children and society throws him a parade so I don’t think the man vs woman thing really fits here. If he said it’s 70/30 custody and I’m having trouble making ends meet, ok... I can get on board... but....

I say go to court actually, I mean unless she’s the one covering them on her insurance, I’d imangine you’re entitled to something being the lower earning parent and If nothing else it’ll squash any resentment you have, which is clearly there, and you two can get back to parenting without contention.

Maybe the contention is due to her changing the rules to suit herself.

I imagine he's planned accordingly based on the agreement. It must be hard to balance things month to month when you're constantly getting the rug pulled out from under you when you least expect it.

But he's expected to take it like man and not express any frustration. Hmmmm

Maybe the contention is due to her changing the rules to suit herself.

 

I imagine he's planned accordingly based on the agreement. It must be hard to balance things month to month when you're constantly getting the rug pulled out from under you when you least expect it.

 

But he's expected to take it like man and not express any frustration. Hmmmm

Curious who said that...

If he needs a steady amount of income to make sure his budget balances and her being everywhere with her payments hinders that by all means go to court.

But he’s isn’t saying that....

I change my original response after thinking about it and again I say go to court, there’s just too much passive aggression going on take that out of eachothers hands and allow the courts to settle it.

He said he has a steady job and lives in a comfortable home, he isn’t destitute. I think there’s some resentment and frustration going on here and sometimes the only way to solve that is someone else making the decision so take that road at the end of the day happy and healthy is what matters.

OPer I apologize for my first response, do what’s best for your children, accept that she may always live a better life than you do, I know my ex husband does and he pays court mandated child support. It’s about their needs as long as that’s where your heart is at you’ll decide accordingly.