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Thread: Loving someone who is hurt

  1. #1

    Loving someone who is hurt

    I've never done this sort of thing before, though I guess I've never loved that many people and so have not thought really considered asking a stranger's opinion. To start, I met the guy I fell in love with through his now ex partner. He introduced us and it sounds weird, but I felt something almost the moment we started talking. He asked for my number and we started chatting, very soon I was seeing him alone and sometimes with his partner. I know now it seems wrong but we couldn't stop myself. He came to London to spend time with me. Early on he said he wasn't happy with his bf and didn't love him. I did think for a while I was just the mistress but something told me I wasn't. Then recently he said he loved me, without any prompting from me and even spoke about our future he finally, after we both got upset, decided he would leave his bf. However since then, it's been about a week, he's been upset and I stayed with him to help him but also because I wanted to be with him. He says he misses his bf, partly because he was always there, but he says he feels strongly for me too. Then last night we decided he and I needed to take it slowly, as he needed time to think about things and get them clearer in his mind. I guess this is normal after a break up and when there is someone like me in the picture? I think I should wait because it feels right and we have been honest with each other along the way, talking about it in depth and what could happen.

  2. #2
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    This is not going to end well for you, OP.

    He misses his boyfriend. This is really the not the right time to try dating him, as it will almost surely bring you a lot of pain.

  3. #3
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    Hmm. He keeps going back and forth, back and forth. I think MissCanuck is right. It's too early to try to date him.

  4. #4
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    He has been honest with you about still having feelings for someone else; unfortunately this means that there is not really room for you in his life. Sure, you can wait - but it will give you a load of heartache along the way with no guarantee that you'll ever be together properly.

    Sadly, what's normal when someone's still missing their ex after a breakup, and has started a relationship with someone new, is that the new person becomes a rebound and is dumped fairly shortly afterwards. I've learned the hard way to find out where potential partners stand vis-a-vis exes before getting emotionally involved.

    Sure, it'll hurt if you walk away now - but nothing compared to the pain and heartache you'll go through if you hang around.

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  6. #5
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    Yes I'm sorry but I agree with everyone else, I think you are "the other man". I think that really you don't even know if your lover has really broken up with his boyfriend. I think it sounds like he's still involved with his boyfriend but he keeps throwing you breadcrumbs because he still wants to have you on the side too. It's not going to end well for you, I agree.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Read up on positioning yourself as someone's rebound. If you want to play the role of bandage to someone's else's wounds, just remember what happens to bandages once the wounds are healed.

    I'd skip that and tell the guy that I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another in order to preserve future potential. He can contact me if he's ever free and completely over the ex, and if I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, you're inserting yourself into a miserable time, and the guy will come to associate you with this misery. In time you'll get the speech about what a fabulous person you are, but he really should have taken the time to learn how to be solo for a while.

    Let him be solo for as long as it takes for him to become relationship material. If you try to rush him prematurely, you will not thank yourself later.

    Head high, and read my sig.

  8. #7
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    how do you know he's been honest with you? i don't think you have proof of this.
    in most cases where 1 person is alrady committed and finds "another person" - the "other person" almost always gets hurt and shortchanged. we're talking 99.9999% of the time.
    ALMOST ALWAYS, the "committed one" is always promising to leave, or is unhappy, and 'sees a future" with the "other person" - yet they neveer leave. They either miss their committed one, or feel obligated to the committed one, or it's "not that simple and will take time" or "is not the right time to leave yet" or whatever reason they come up with (those 2 are the main ones).

    never get involved with sombody already involved. you will always lose. almost always they aren't being truthful about the nature of their current relationsihp. almost always they have no intention of leaving that relationship. almost always they are perfectly happy wiht their current relationships and you are "fun side action" to live out some temporary fantasy.

  9. #8
    Thank you catfeeder, indeed my friends have said the same thing. They believe if he wants to be with me, after he has gone through the process of his break up, he will come to me but I have to let him do that and not myself, that way I'll know for sure and I want get more hurt down the line.


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