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Thread: broken up but still love each other?

  1. #1
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    broken up but still love each other?

    Hi, so my boyfriend of two years broke up with me in mid-August. It came as a complete shock to me, as we had just seen each other the weekend prior and everything had gone absolutely normal and I had felt his love for me so strongly. Our relationship was extremely good and healthy; the only issue we really struggled with at times was communication since we were long distance. We had been doing 3 hours distance for nearly a year, and we would have had two more years to go.

    He told me that he had come to the realization that he just wouldn't be able to stick it out for that long; only seeing each other 5-6 times per month was very painful for him. "If I have a partner, then I need a partner" was his reasoning. His primary love language is physical touch, so psychologically, I understand where he is coming from.

    He also said that doing long distance for such a great amount of time just wasn't good or fair to either of us. Which, again, I couldn't completely disagree with. It was hard, and it did inevitably begin to put a strain on our relationship (though I, however, always believed it to be worth it for a long-term future together). After saying this, he wrote, "I still love you and I'm doing this because I love you. You may not understand now, but I hope you will." And that was it. I tried my best to convince him otherwise, but it was evident his mind was made up. We cried together for hours on the phone, and again when he came down to say a final goodbye in person a week later. He apologized a lot for causing me so much pain, and I know the guilt he feels is still enormous.

    For the last two months following the breakup, we attempted to maintain contact (aka remain "friends") on the basis of still caring deeply for each other and wanting to "always be there" for one another. Just small talk, keeping each other updated on our lives, etc. Every so often he would also throw in a few compliments about me being "the most kind and authentic person he has ever met," and that he still loved me and missed me all the time. Our contact was an off-and-on sort of deal, and it was very painful for me. Two weeks ago I realized that I owed it to myself to try to start to move on, as he had made no initiation of getting back together. He said that us no longer talking was not what he wanted, but he respected my decision if that's what I wanted. The last thing I said to him was, "I still love you and I'm sorry," and he said it word for word back. I've been NC since.

    I'm not sure what I'm looking for here; I know going NC is the best--and more importantly, necessary--for both of us right now. I logically know the chances of him ever telling me that he wants to get back together are slim. I guess I just want some viewpoints on what the future looks like for me from here (will he try to contact me again? what do I do if he does?) and on why he did what he did. A lot of people say that a guy would never break up with you if he truly loves you, but there are others who strongly believe, "if you truly love them, you'll set them free." What do you believe was the case here?

  2. #2
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    Distance was the primary factor so I think that more than the other stories you guys have a chance if you can move into a situation where you see each other more often.


    In the meantime staying NC is going to help you heal quickest. He lives far away so you dont have to worry about running into him and you still care so i doubt you would want to hear about his new girl interest.

    If its meant to be it will be, in the meantime focus on making yourself a better version than what you are and after some time to heal and process, begin dating again. You may find you meet someone more compatible thats closer

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    Originally Posted by rainorshine
    A lot of people say that a guy would never break up with you if he truly loves you.
    Well, I've never heard of that saying. Sometimes you have to break up with someone even though you love them and for a lot of good reasons. A long-distance relationship is certainly one of the reasons. But from what you wrote, it seems like his feeling were fading before he used distance as an excuse.

    Anyway, I would say to go No Contact and move on. Once you fall in love with someone else, you won't care as deeply about this guy. And trying to be friends only hurts more than just going cold turkey. About the only time being "friends" works out is some years after the mutual feelings have died down.

    If you're in school, I'm sure there are plenty of eligible guys around who you would like to date and who would like to date you. Pick out a nice guy and either ask him out or make it apparent you want him to ask you out. In the meantime, hang out with your friends. Go to parties and events. Have fun. You'll find someone else to love.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders, and a warm heart, as does he. Hard as it is, the most important thing now is to accept that this chapter between you guys is over. You can wrack your brain over questions of whether he'll want to get back together (or, equally, whether you will in time) when the truth is that's the stuff only time knows—not you, not him, not now.

    So, take those warm feelings, acknowledge them, but also acknowledge that right now they don't serve you. Maybe he'll contact you—when/if that happens you deal with it then. But that's not your present. Your present is doing what you need to do now, focusing on yourself, healing, accepting, taking care of yourself. Go on some dates when you're ready—it's not a betrayal of anything. It's what single people do.

    Love is powerful, but it's not the only thing required to make a relationship work. I've broken up with someone I deeply loved, and have had someone else do the same. Timing is real, and right now the timing is off—the distance, yes, and also just the way the distance is making him feel.

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  6. #5
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    I think someone can love you without being in love.

    This may have been the case here. Perhaps his feelings just gradually tapered off over time to the point where he couldn't continue the relationship in good faith.

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    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If I could teach my younger self one thing, it's that if someone WANTS to be with you, he will be. Anything else is just an excuse.

    I'd dive off of ex's radar and trust that if the two of you were ever really a meant-to-be deal, you'll meet one another on higher ground someday. Meanwhile, you'll both need to grow to reach that place on your own.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Accept the breakup and learn to finally let go. Focus on your local life and local friends, family interests and pursuits. Get on some dating apps and start meeting and messaging men for a low key coffee. It's time to stop analyzing him and ruminating about it so you can move forward and start enjoying your life.
    Originally Posted by rainorshine
    my boyfriend of two years broke up with me in mid-August. It came as a complete shock to me. we were long distance. He also said that doing long distance for such a great amount of time just wasn't good or fair to either of us.

  9. #8
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    This guy needed to "change" in order to be right for you. You said yourself you were constantly having to "teach" him how to be loving toward you. Also that he treated people with disrespect and he was starting to treat you that way as well.

    You're romanticizing the relationship because you don't like the way it ended. But it needed to end.

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    Originally Posted by rainorshine
    A lot of people say that a guy would never break up with you if he truly loves you, but there are others who strongly believe, "if you truly love them, you'll set them free." What do you believe was the case here?
    Loving and letting someone free is what YOU need to do. As for him, if he does truly love you, he will do what needs to be done for both of you to have the best. That might be for you to separate for a little while.
    Why the distance?

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You're romanticizing the relationship because you don't like the way it ended. But it needed to end.
    I made this thread nearly nine months ago. In that time we got back together and then broke up again (because yes, I knew it needed to end). My emotions from this thread are completely irrelevant now. I'm confused why you felt the need to comment?

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