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Thread: Was I Dating A Socipath? Should I Expect Him To Return? PLEASE HELP.

  1. #1
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    Was I Dating A Socipath? Should I Expect Him To Return? PLEASE HELP.

    Hi all! I am new to this site but am in desparate need of advice, reassurance and just other voices other than my own.

    I met a boy just over a year ago. Off the bat he was charming, handsome, and the most positive, energic, lively soul I had ever met. I fell FAST. Three weeks after seeing each other and we were official.

    ****IM SORRY THIS IS SO LENGTHY****** I really need help!

    My "boyfriend" quickly turned into a boy I had a crush on that I questioned whether he liked me constantly. I would text him and get no replies. He only had time for me when he had time and whatever we wanted to do was on his terms (i.e., always sit at his house, smoke, and have sex). The sex was never intimate. He never kissed me or did foreplay beforehand-- it was straight to the point and left me feeling like a body that was used to get a job done. He fell short on promises, never took me on dates and I paid for nearly everything when it came to food, weed, drinks, etc.

    When it came to his life, I had to be all in. I didn't like his friends or want to hang out with them? Bye. I quickly became a vocal, lively girl who fell silenced and asked "how high" when he said jump. (Oh, his name...let's call him Sam.)

    I was supporting and loving and affectionate to Sam and felt nothing in return. Sam was cold and shrugged all of my positive, loving notions off. He would bail on me last minute because he was "tired" or "didn't feel like it" but the second I had plans with friends or schoolwork to do, he was angry and this was a problem.

    Sam put NO effort into my likes and interests; could care less about meeting and hanging with my friends. The first two months of us dating he swore we'd go on a double date with two good friends of mine (his idea) and never followed through. In fact, every time we were around anyone in my life, he seemed agitated and would quickly ask to head back to my room, door closed. Like I said, Sam NEVER took me on dates and was all talk, so we only ever hung out at each other's apartments, smoked, cuddled, watched movies, ate, had sex, repeat.

    Sam would often talk about his past flings and an ex he seemed to be stuck on that "truly messed him up" at free will to me, his current girlfriend. He admittedly told me without flinching I was the "number 29" of his body count when he knew he was my first-- I admit I had gently asked him this question but when he saw my reaction to 29, he looked me dead in the eyes and said "don't ask questions if you don't want to hear the answer". I was silenced almost always.

    Slowly, my life became him. My life became maintaining my relationship, walking on egg shells and making sure Sam was happy and we did not fight for a full 24 hours. I BROKE myself down to build him up when he barely lifted a finger for me. Everything was at his convenience but my needs or wants were not important. I stopped going to classes, hanging out with friends and partaking in hobbies just to be with him because when he wanted me around, it felt like I hit the lottery (since he was so hard to please). But the second I asked Sam to come over to my place for once or maybe go OUT to dinner, he was annoyed and had other better things to do.

    Two months to the day I met him in December (2017 btw), it had been a full 5 days of not seeing/barely hearing from Sam. I could tell he was pulling back but he seemed to be one step away from full-on ghosting his girlfriend. He was either on a skate trip, at work, sleeping, or too tired to hang with me after work. The night we broke up, I looked my best friend dead in the eye and said "we're going to break up tonight". We did, only after I texted him, begged and pleaded to see him for even 10 minutes because I 'knew he was tired from work' but hadn't seen him in a full 5 days (he lived 5 mins from me).

    With this, he called me on his way home and told me he had been dodging me because he had realized he wasn't into the relationship like I was. He didn't want to commit. I told him if he was going to break up with me to be a man and come do it face to face since he was already on his way home from work. This was the most irritating thing he could've been asked, but against his will, he did it. It was cold, it was awkward.

    I left four days later (perfect timing) for holiday break; a full MUCH needed month away from anywhere near Sam. That entire month, he would reply to my snap stories, message me and say he "didn't hate me" and "hoped I was well". I persisted and ignored. At one point, he messaged me asking if I had found a new guy back at home and that he wanted to see me once I got back to school. When I asked why we would do that since we are exes, his reply was "idk bc I'm a dumb boy"? Not I miss you. Not because I realized you are a genuine person. Nothing heartfelt. Just because he was a boy who wanted to me.

    I get back to school a month later and the first person to call me is Sam, the second my plane lands, asking if he can come sleepover. I hadn't been replying since I had just landed, and he flooded my phone with "let me know or else I'm going to sleep"...like it was a burden on HIM and not at all out of the ordinary.

    But Sam had a hold on me, and he spent the night. For the next four months, we were having sex and he was playing with my emotions. I began binge drinking and stopped going to classes altogether because I was so ed over by this guy I realized my feelings were growing for immensely. But I knew I was a booty call he had at least some feelings for. I slept with other guys on the side and one day he asked the big question "are you seeing anyone else besides me?" I came clean since he'd ask and told him yes, I had seen other people and slept with them.

    To this, he was appalled. "I haven't seen, talked to, or been with anyone so if we're going to continue to do what we're doing, its just us. Cut off the other guys." I was nearly what I thought was in love with this boy, so I did just that. I solely focused on him, and without verbally saying "boyfriend/girlfriend", it seemed nearly official yet again.

    I had noticed though that since that day, whenever I wanted to hang out or we had plans, he had odd excuses, such as playing board games with friends on a Friday night (not a Sam-like thing), he was going to bed early on a Saturday, or I was left hanging with "yeah I'll let you know"s, to which I had to text multiple times to get an answer without wasting my entire day waiting for him. (It was always a "no sorry not tonight).

    I was sketch! One day I went on his Instagram and found a girl we'll call Nicole. Nicole had left a comment on a post of his and he had liked it and replied. So I snooped, and to my absolute shock, he was featured on her story when he told me he was busy with work or friends, and they had a COUPLES pic she had posted (he went to her beauty school graduation). I had DATED this boy officially and he never took one picture of me.

    Still, I did not call him out. A picture and a story weren't good enough evidence. Two weeks later, he asks me to grab his phone and before throwing it to him, I had seen Nicole had called him three times (cute lil lollipop emoji next to her name). When I asked who she was, he came clean and told me he was a girl he had been seeing that wanted to rekindle things with HIM. Everything was her idea and none of it his. They were sleeping together while we were (he had already given me an STD the first time we'd slept together) and at this point, I had been with his every single day consecutively, morning and night, so this boy had to plan things out with little to no time in between. Scum.

    After threatening to leave and never see/speak to him again, he bawled his eyes out, profusely apologized and told me he wanted to marry me. Over the past few weeks he'd realized I was "the" girl-- I "had the whole package" and "could hold it down". He then took his phone outside, called Nicole, and ended things with her in a cold, cold way while I bawled my eyes out in his room. "I ended things--told her I wanted to be with someone else." Relieved and happy? Kinda. Feeling sick to my stomach for the way he had jut handled leaving that girl? Absolutely. Cold was an understatement. I stayed. His hold on me was greater than ever.

    Two months go by and we seem to be okay, I am his girlfriend and his mom came into town who I met (but I found out Nicole had met her first during the time he was two-timing us). I was trying my best to work on my trust but I would have fits and cry and tell him how badly he hurt me when I drank, to which he would lash out and tell me I was an alcoholic and that "if I couldn't get over it then he's gone". I persist.

    It turns out, the both of us had to relocate from where we'd met in AZ back to our states back east; for him Indiana, for me, NJ. He had to drive cross country to get his stuff back and asked me to join and meet his family. I was over the moon--yes! Of course. Still spending every single day together this was it.

    The drive from AZ to IN could not have gone worse. One minute we were fine, the next he was lashing out at me about the guys I'd been with (who I fully admitted to and never cheated on him with) and he was calling me names and telling me to book a flight the second we got to where he lived. The plan was for me to stay for a week and a half and fly back to AZ before heading to NJ. I profusely apologized every time he'd lash out in the car ride and finally when we got to IN, he told me to stop being dramatic and to not book a flight even though he told me to basically 6 times throughout the 2-day car ride. I stayed.

    My time in IN was amazing, however he would leave me alone in his room for hours on end to go skate and do whatever he needed to do. I was the princess trapped in his room with no car and no friends, just awaiting his arrival--whenever he decides that should be. "This is what girlfriends do!" I was completely neglected.

    Two weeks later, I am on a flight to AZ. That time he spent away from me before I headed back to NJ he called me multiple times a day to talk, needed tabs on me, and if he saw I did not reply but was active on social media, I was in for a total meltdown and rant about how I'm being sneaky and a piece of .


    I get back to NJ and a few days later, he got up at 6 am to drives the 11 from IN to meet me, spend time with my family and see what the east is about. He. Is. Miserable. He is not social. He is annoyed when I tell him to get off his phone and basically pay attention and speak to my family/friends. He tells me when we can and cannot hang with my friends. If I wanted to show him something only in NJ or do something >I< wanted to do he started a fight with me and gave me the silent treatment. This just ended up with me apologizing profusely. We've never fought like we did in NJ because HE was out of his comfort zone and socially uncomfortable. KEEP IN MIND: his friends LOVED me, told him he was so lucky to have me and asked where in the hell Sam got such a great gal. His family was the same way, I had an amazing individual connection with everyone separately and could adapt to any social setting.

    A week had passed by and at this point, long distance sucked. We had agreed I would move to IN (how DUMB I KNOW). Shortly after he had left NJ, I realized a random girl always popping up as the first person to see my Instagram stories. Let's call her Alex. I'm talking days straight looking at my stories consecutively. Who happens to be our one mutual friend? Sam. When I brought this up to Sam, he swore she was a girl he'd met through friends back in AZ, claimed they had never once hung and that she was crazy; absolutely psychotic. "That's so weird, I'll block her!" I believed it.

    Four days later, I'm on a visit to him in IN. Three days into my stay, I had noticed she was still looking at my stories. "I thought you blocked her? What's the deal?" "I have no idea, I'll block her and tell her to stop. She's crazy!" (Thought you blocked her days ago?) This time, I was too fed up and suspicious. "Nah, I'll message her. She's the one looking at my stuff, if she's so crazy and psychotic I'll let her know I'd like her to stop." SAM FLIPPED. Sam got angry, Sam got defensive, Sam screamed at me and told me I was creating problems and to just let him message her.

    I messaged her very calmly, "Hey, do you know Sam?" And with that, she told me everything I had dreaded. They had met through Tinder (where we met) and were having sex "up until he left for IN"-- so after we made it official and I had been through enough trying to get over the first time he cheated on me. He was seeing her the same way he saw Nicole-- the second I left in the morning and came back at night to be with him.

    Disgusted and bawling my eyes out, I pack my bag, throw the phone at him with the messages up, and call him every name in the book. "I'm leaving, you're disgusting. You're a liar and a . You can't commit and you just need all eyes on you from everyone around you." Sam is bawling and standing in front of the door, blocking my exit with my suitcase in hand, pleading for me to stay. Even worse? I had found out HE messaged HER since they'd parted ways in AZ WHILE HE WAS STAYING IN MY FAMILY HOME IN NJ because "he felt we were going to break up, we were fighting so much" and he was "scared and insecure". MY IDIOT ASS STAYED but at that point, the trust was inevitably gone. The summer was a bust, my family and friends hate his guts at this point and I end up moving to IN to restart my life (with no plans or any idea as to how) mid-August. Why? I loved him despite all he did and could not picture my life without him.

    My relocation to IN lasted two weeks before I packed my things and left because Sam was cold, tuning me out, and I'd never felt so alone in such a foreign place that was now my "home". I told him these things and left, on terms that we were broken up. He did not cry, he just nodded his head. My stay there was us fighting nonstop every day. I couldn't make my own friends and every time I left the house to get food, my nails done, or search for a job/new people, he was on my ass and making me come home.

    I go home and he pours his heart out days later telling me he shouldn't have been silent. He needs me. He misses me. He has no one and he lost the girl he saw "with his kid on her hip". He told me you really don't know what you have til its gone. So I agree to work on things and my father SO GRACIOUSLY flies him out to spend time with me and make things work with my family "because he hates being without me more than he hates my family" (he hated my family because they had a bad taste in their mouths after he cheated on me consecutively and they found out). My family had my back and bit their tongues for his trip out here and once again, what do you know, he is fighting with me and telling me I'm a horrible person the entirety of the trip he only went on "to make things right". He made everything that much worse.

    He leaves four days later telling me he "can't do this anymore" and he's "over it" (not uncommon for him to say when he's discarding me). He always threatens that other girls can make him just as happy if not happier and that I am replaceable. He leaves that day and we are on terms of "broken up" in my head.

    Days later, what do you know, he is messaging me asking why I unfollowed him, questioning if I have been with and/or are talking to anyone else, and telling me to fly out to IN to spend time with him because he needs and misses me so much. We spoke for a few days before I had booked a flight (stupidly) to spend time with him ONCE again thinking his sorry ass will make it right. But in the meantime, he had called me and told me he "needed to tell me something"--he saw we had a new mutual follower, a girl he had talked to and planned to smoke with he had met on Tinder within the four days to one week he had left NJ and we weren't talking. Why did she follow me? No idea, but I know she saw my comments on his posts from when we dated and was probably just ask skeptical as Alex who only watched my stories because she thought something was fishy.

    Sam cannot have eyes taken off him.

    He apologizes, blows my phone up and tells me he'd be better off dead because he's a loser, a up, and the one person he wants and needs won't talk to him. I persist. I haven't learned, so I forgive and I fly out two days later.

    (Almost done swear)

    I recently (October 2018) just spent a week and a half in IN to spend time with him and see if we could make things work because he knows damn well I don't trust him. I go through his phone twice while I'm there and find the more than one girl from Tinder he swore he only talked to (just one) and he apologized for me finding stuff--he didn't want to tell me he spoke to multiple girls because of the way I reacted to just that one. I let him go through my phone and he found some guys in my DMs and texts that I admitted I had entertained once in a blue moon when they would text me since he had cheated on me twice because I was so uneasy and guarded. He freaked out, called me a , kicked me out of his house and called me a piece of multiple times.

    Yes, I wasn't 100% loyal or truthful but I have never touched another male since I became steady (so I thought) with Sam in April of this year. It was wrong of me, but I had 200 more reasons to lose my and do everything he did the second he found I out I had messaged other guys.

    Every time he kicked me out and I looked up flights or hotels, he asked me what I was doing and told me not to be stupid and that I needed to stay at his house because it would be pointless to "spend more money when I have a house to live and food to eat".

    His moods swings were INSANE. That whole week and a half, we fought every day and I ended up being the one to apologize. He would call me names. I would take it because I felt I deserved it after he found messages (simply messages)--that guilt alone was enough for me to deem myself a disgusting person.

    We were good, we were bad. We weren't together, but he would hold my hand, tell me he loved me, and have the same cold, unintimate sex with me every night. I was living to please him. He told me I should go home and we should take some time not to talk and to "work on things".

    The day before I left, he blew up on me and told me he couldn't do "this, us" anymore-- to which I agreed and he went silent. He did not put up a fight, but he seemed flustered.

    The next day, I Ubered to the airport after he held me in his arms crying. We both cried. This felt like it was it. In my head once again, we were parting ways for good. On the Uber there, I'm getting texts from him telling me he's crying his eyes out in his room because he "doesn't know if he'll ever see me again" (that was the point)? He's asking me casual things about the airport and if I've boarded yet. I'm replying but at my own risk. I tell him I left my brand new expensive headphones at his place and he says he found them and jokingly says "Thanks for the hospitality lol". I replied and he did not.

    The next morning, I wake up to a CASUAL text saying "I hope you got home safely and have a great day, Keely." I did not reply and have not. I have not heard from him.

    Will I hear from him again? What should I expect? He blocked me on Instagram because it is "too hard to see my stuff". I am curious and would like help!

  2. #2
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    Is this the relationship you always dreamed of having?

    Or are there any "if he would just" or "if he would just stop"?

  3. #3
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    I admit, I didn't read it all.

    I don't think I had to.

    As boltnrun asked, is this what you've dreamed of?

    A selfish jerk who keeps you at arm's length, only using you for sex?

    It shouldn't be this difficult. It shouldn't take an entire wall of text to explain just how bad it is. It just shouldn't.

  4. #4
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    Its not, but he has a hold on me and somehow I just find comfort when I hear from him, as ignorant as that is.

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  6. #5
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by keelyflood
    Its not, but he has a hold on me and somehow I just find comfort when I hear from him, as ignorant as that is.
    Have you ever considered counselling/therapy to help you understand WHY you stay or want to stay in such a toxic/dysfunctional relationship? If not, maybe it's time.

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    Currently am, I just don't know if he has discarded me or I should expect him to try to creep up on me sometime and see what I'm up to at some point based on how things ended.

  8. #7
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    I read it all. It is a rinse and repeat senario you describe, over and over again. Dayum girl, you need to completely cut him off forever, but I know you will not - you are not even remotely in the right mindset. You will keep repeating this cycle until you block him from reaching you in any form of communication whatsoever. I'm talking about getting rid of all of your social media, blocking his number, deleting his number, possibly change your number if needed.

    You have no choice. You need to go cold turkey to break the cycle. You simply cannot muster the willpower to resist his breadcrumbs. Who knows if he's a sociopath; it doesn't matter. What matters is you getting away from a person who is toxic and treats you terribly. There is no future here and you are wasting your time. Regardless, get professional help.

  9. #8
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    I read it all too. I think he is making you obsessed with him. You deserve to feel healthy mentally, but you are not if you keep thinking about him and still considering probable possibilities with him. I could say a good start could be to read this book from Thich Nhat Hanh: "Hacia la Paz interior". You should understand that there are other things that make us happy, and that is inner peace. When you find that you will never let anyone disturb it just like this guy has done :*

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by keelyflood
    Its not, but he has a hold on me and somehow I just find comfort when I hear from him, as ignorant as that is.
    You are addicted and he is your "drug" of choice.

    Hearing from him is your "fix" and being with him is the ultimate "high."

    Google "love addiction" it's a very real thing and you, unfortunately, are in the throes of it.

    You need to kick the addiction just like any other addiction -- cold turkey, withdrawal.

    Be prepared to feel anxious, not sleep, not eat, have nightmares, and generally feel like crap.

    You may need a different type of therapy to kick this, but if you don't get the proper help, it will only get worse, much worse.

    Not too sound overly dramatic, but it could possibly emotionally destroy you. Sadly, it already appears you are well on your way.

    Your choice and best of luck, super tough addiction to kick.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by keelyflood
    Its not, but he has a hold on me and somehow I just find comfort when I hear from him, as ignorant as that is.
    You must learn to learn to love yourself enough to tell B-tards to leave you alone, to learn enough self respect and confidence to tell someone like him that they don't deserve you? If your current therapist isn't helping you with that, then please consider getting another.

    I didn't read all of that either because it was clear after the first few paragraphs that you need more help then what laymen on a message board can give you to get over this to the point that you'll never let someone treat you like this again.

    What has your therapist said about you still wondering if this turd you're addicted will surface again?

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