I think I'm with someone who is incapable of unconditional love

So every time my boyfriend and I fight, say once every 2-3 weeks, over something very small, I've noticed he is increasingly intolerant to me raising or flagging anything up that i don't like - him saying something in a way that is snappy or short with me I am particularly sensitive to. He would just say "I have a headache this morning" or "I'm just hungover or stressed about XYZ" on occasions that this has been the case. It's usually true and makes for a valid reason why he'd be abrupt. But really all I want is a heartfelt apology, and for him to acknowledge that it's important and we should always speak to each other politely and nicely at all times. Sometimes I get this apology when I ask for it. And sometimes, like this morning, I get the opposite. He backs away even more and defends his corner. He asks me just to let it go. I don't want to. I refuse to. Several times it's even led to him leaving his own house for a while because he doesn't want to deal with it. This happened this morning and it really upset me as we'd both been working on this stuff and he literally just took all that hard work away by falling back into that old pattern. I was hurt and upset. I called him an hour later after he spontaneously disappeared. I asked if he's coming back and he said "only if we can have a nice day." I said I just want to talk

About what happened. He refused. He said he's not coming back then. And I said that this felt like "an evil thing to be doing to me". And he said "Evil? Really? We're done". And then hung up the phone. I took this to mean that he broke up with me. I was in floods of tears and panic when he came back later and asked casually what is wrong? I said you said we're done. And he said, yes with the phone call. You called me evil. And I said the THING you were doing felt torturuous to me at the time- you know I hate it when you walk out. And he was just like yeah well I just meant the call was done. Anyway, he didn't seem to have enough empathy to understand why I was feeling completely messed up and out of it. He told me I've conjured up this whole drama. He said he wished he could be alone. I screamed and went into a big rage and just flung my stuff in one of my suitcases and said what am I doing here then. He didn't react to anything i was doing. He said he's sorry and that he finds it difficult to handle what I ask for emotionally from him.

He said he doesn't know what it means for us but that we should keep working on it.

He said that since he was a child and had an absent alcoholic father, he learnt never to depend on anyone and never to be unprepared for walking away from any emotional relationship. I am not wired this way. I attach. We have identified a while ago that I'm an anxious attachment type and he's avoidant attachment. He's in long term therapy that started a year ago and it's been helping him. I'm starting therapy at some point next month. But I am feeling pretty depressed about the status of my relationship. We were having the best time ever just last night, we are usually always tender with each other and say I love you all the time, see each other almost every day and things were getting better on our incompatibility but this just feels like we have regressed. He said that I need to accept he's working on his flaws but that he just doesn't love me unconditionally because of how he is wired. He said he's discussed in therapy before, and that for this same reason he worries about whether having children would be an irresponsible thing to do one day. He would like children but he's worried about being a bad father. All of this has made for a very exhausting day.

I feel overwhelmed and my anxious sensors are bleeping more than ever.

I don't know what to do.

Try not to drag things out. Especially insisting on apologies. Take time to let cooler heads prevail. Give each other space. When you a start arguing about arguing it's the beginning of the end. Pick your battles. Let things blow over.

Stop needling him when you are agitated. Give yourself time to cool off and clam down and revisit the real issue then. Insisting on apologies is the road to nowhere and indicates that you are persisting in a power struggle. If someone is sorry they'll let you know. Forced apologies to make you go away are not heartfelt.

We have identified a while ago that I'm an anxious attachment type and he's avoidant attachment. .

I think this is a huge incompatibility and a very very difficult one to overcome. You two are poles apart with one wanting closeness and one wanting to head in the other direction. I don't think it will ever work (imo). I couldn't live this way with the constant unhappiness, misery and stress. I would rather be alone but that's just me.

Romantic love should never be unconditional. That is a recipe ripe for abuse of all kinds.

Sure we should strive to be polite and nice at all times. And if we’re mean even unintentionally then apologize ASAP. I have to wonder if you’re being polite and nice to him by insisting he never speak to you in an abrupt or irritated tone no matter what. When he first wakes up in the morning pre coffee he has to be nice and polite and interact with you even if he doesn’t feel like it? He has to discuss why he was abrupt right at that moment? I don’t know. Doesn’t sound like real life to me. Especially if you two have a baby and you’re sleep deprived and knee deep in diaper changes and bottle washing. So if that is your standard - polite and nice at all times and if not then apologize in a heartfelt way right then then go out and find that person. I can’t say they don’t exist. As much as I agree with you ideally I am glad I don’t have to be on my best behavior at all times and neither does my husband. I let things go especially at certain times of day and when work or whatever is particularly busy you don’t have to do what I do of course.

Love may be unconditional but relationships always have conditions. Even God has conditions on his unconditional love for you (if you believe in such things) because the bible tells us "believe in me and you shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever." The condition there of course is that we believe in him.

Just a little speech about unconditional love ^^^ and relationships that always have conditions.

Op: How long have the two of you been dating and tormenting one another with your completely opposite way of conflict resolution. If its been a while then maybe couples counselling can help the two of you learn how to communicate... If its only been a short while then maybe you should just throw in the towel on this union due to the incompatibility and neither of you being able to compromise on the conditions within your relationship??

You mention him needing to change a lot but where are you trying to change? Where is the compromising and learning to sometimes let it go? You screamed and went into a rage? That probably triggered a lot of bad memories from his childhood, no? Perhaps caused him to withdrawl into his own self 10 fold?

Love shouldn’t be unconditional.

It sounds like you prolong the fights. Stop doing that.

Also, if he should speak nicely to you - how do you speak during the fights?

Batya makes a great point (post 5), one I had considered asking myself.

You said he speaks to you "abruptly" and you get upset. A fight ensues. He explains he has a headache or feels stressed and this apparently is not suffient explanation for you?

This seems a bit unreasonable imo.

Have you considered that you may be what is known as a HSP? A highly sensitive person.

I am, I am aware I am, and have learned to differentiate between my partner feeling grumpy, or even annoyed sometimes and speaking to me in an abrupt manner (which is OK) and intentionally being "mean" or "impolite" or worse, verbally and/or emotionally abusive (not OK).

Without more info as to how "abrupt" he is at times, it sounds like you are getting upset when there is really no need to be.

Learn to understand we all have different moods, and are not always "nice and polite."

I would not even want to be in a RL where I was required to be nice and polite all the time nor would I ever require that from my partner. Sounds too formal and contrived, not REAL or genuine.

Pick your battles Pretzel and learn to not sweat the small stuff.

Now if he is verbally abusive that's different but from what you have described, this doesn't sound even remotely close to that.

I really like the distinction Katrina made: she wrote, to paraphrase a bit, that she decides whether it's coming from pre-coffee grumpiness etc or whether he is doing that intentionally to be hurtful. Look, both are "intentional" -we are humans who have control over our tone of voice -but that's different from intending to hurt the other person vs. not minding your manners perfectly despite genuinely "look I mean well" intentions. And you know what, sometimes we're wrong - I mean I could be wrong -and think it's the latter when it's really the former and sometimes that is a miscommunication. Your partner didn't want to tell you he was in a bad mood but then acted abrupt or sometimes we don't know we're as cranky as we are (think PMS creeping up on you, at least it does to me).

 

I really like the distinction Katrina made: she wrote, to paraphrase a bit, that she decides whether it's coming from pre-coffee grumpiness etc or whether he is doing that intentionally to be hurtful.

 

I like how you paraphrased that! That is exactly what I meant..

There's a difference between unconditional love and unconditional behavior. You can love someone regardless of whether you don't 'like' them very much at a given moment.

Your example shows you placing conditions in the guy that he doesn't agree to, and he shut that down. I would, too. It sounds as though you gnaw bones and take things way too far. You 'should' all over this guy, and then you believe that HE should remove HIS conditions for love?

If you're fighting every two weeks over inconsequential stuff, then learn better negotiation skills that offer specific things of value to him in exchange for specific things you want from him. That's what successful couples do instead of laying down behavioral rules and standing over those like a parent.

He told me I've conjured up this whole drama.

I screamed and went into a big rage and just flung my stuff in one of my suitcases and said what am I doing here then.

Unconditional love is an unfair ask: if we are lucky our parents give us unconditional love AND that means they love us even if we've ended up in jail etc. The distinction is important - in a relationship we look for someone to share our lives, homes, etc. We do that AND we love. Almost as two separate functions.

We can love people with whom we expressly do not wish to share our lives. Why would you want to partner with someone with whom communication is so unpleasant?

In one sense, all love is unconditional. That said, when we express the desire for unconditional love in a romantic partner, often we are looking for that partner to affirm that we are lovable as we are. It sounds like an okay thing to do, when really, nobody can tell us that.

Nobody else has the power to deem another "lovable". OP, you already ARE lovable; it is up to you to believe it.

When we ask someone else to affirm our value, we give them power to affirm us and also to diminish us. We give them power to tell us our value. When we give someone else that power we make ourselves vulnerable to their assessment and reassessment of us on a minute to minute basis.

No wonder everything becomes contentious! That is no way to live.

That power belongs to nobody else but ourselves. Take it back by putting your needs first. Do what makes you love and respect yourself. Let others disagree with you when they choose; "yes, I get that. I need to do this for me, and I know others might make a different choice." Practice that. In time, your communication style may change. That, among other things, will evolve such that you no longer wonder whether your partner can give unconditional love. Instead, you will practice giving yourself unconditional love and wondering who out there warrants your investment.

it is inappropriate to expect unconditional love. everythign is conditional in my book.

it is unhealthy to expect that somebody love you "no matter what you do or how you treat them".

stop with the unrealistic expectations and EARN your relationship and make sure they're EARNIGN yours as well.

This movie fantasy "unconditional love" thing needs to go.

Op - I read an article the other day - maybe New York Times? About how saying thank you in a genuine way to your partner for the small stuff really goes a long way. More than you’d expect. Also a few minutes ago I apologized to my husband for being abrupt. We had a parent teacher conference that I was anxious about. It already started and he called while they were speaking because he couldn’t find the room. My response was short. I apologized after for being short on and he said he understood and he’d felt foolish about being lost. It was a nice moment. Not atypical but it took a few seconds each and we both felt understood and validated. And we both showed humility which to me is key too. Something to think about.

 

Also a few minutes ago I apologized to my husband for being abrupt. We had a parent teacher conference that I was anxious about. It already started and he called while they were speaking because he couldn’t find the room. My response was short. I apologized after for being short on and he said he understood and he’d felt foolish about being lost. It was a nice moment.

Yes that does sound like a very sweet moment B, I love those types of unexpected moments!

I think the difference between your situation and the OP's is that, yes while you were abrupt in that moment, your husband did not demand or expect an apology, he did not take it personally and understood you were feeling anxious about the p/t conference.

I can only speculate that if he were type to take offense and start making demands that you start apologizing every time you were short with him, you would NOT be so inclined to do so. I sure wouldn't be!

With the limited info OP has provided, it sounds like this (the latter) is the case. OP places all these expectations and pressures on him, demands he behave in a particular manner, and when he doesn't she takes offense, begins to resent him and causes even more drama.

Bless his heart for still remaining in this RL; I can say in all honesty if I were with a man that placed all these restrictions on my behavior and had such expectations, I would not be remaining with said man for very long.

So not much has really changed since these two threads:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=553283

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=553639

This relationship is on a collision course, OP. I wouldn't count on it lasting, and that may be for the best. It sounds like neither of you is happy anymore.

Yes that does sound like a very sweet moment B, I love those types of unexpected moments!

 

I think the difference between your situation and the OP's is that, yes while you were abrupt in that moment, your husband did not demand or expect an apology, he did not take it personally and understood you were feeling anxious about the p/t conference.

 

I can only speculate that if he were type to take offense and start making demands that you start apologizing every time you were short with him, you would NOT be so inclined to do so. I sure wouldn't be!

 

With the limited info OP has provided, it sounds like this (the latter) is the case. OP places all these expectations and pressures on him, demands he behave in a particular manner, and when he doesn't she takes offense, begins to resent him and causes even more drama.

 

Bless his heart for still remaining in this RL; I can say in all honesty if I were with a man that placed all these restrictions on my behavior and had such expectations, I would not be remaining with said man for very long.

So yes I see but the truth is I'm not sure because I said it as soon as I could (post-meeting). My best guess is he would have said nothing at all because he would have understood why I was short. And it would have depended how he raised it. So, OP -sometimes I do "I" statements in a diplomatic way "I felt hurt when you were short with me on the phone right then" There is no asking for an apology -you are sharing how you felt and share it at an appropriate time. Now, still, choose your battles - but if you say it in a gentle and calm tone it likely will go over better. If your goal is to let him know how you feel but don't do it if your goal is to get him to apologize. There are a number of appropriate reasons he might not feel he needs to.

I may be wrong, but in between it sounds as if his way of dealing with conflicts is by taking them off the table.

I don't necessarily agree with how she's handling them. But it does seem like a dance they both do.

I would only suggest in those moments when you are upset to address him calmly. The moment you lose your composure, you lose credibility.

If he dismisses your concern and won't discuss it, ask him if he could pick a time that was good for the both of you to readdress it - when you can both be calm and respectful.

I only say this because I could never resolve an issue with my ex h. It was never a good time, ever.

18 years of unresolved issues stood between the two of us and ultimately the wall was insurmountable. It was a dynamic that worked for him. But not for me.

Seeing you two have a baby, I would suggest couples counseling to help navigate you two towards a healthy change.

So yes I see but the truth is I'm not sure because I said it as soon as I could (post-meeting). My best guess is he would have said nothing at all because he would have understood why I was short.

Yes that was my point B, he understood and did not take it personally. He neither expected nor needed an apology.

Which made it easier for you to reflect and apologize (after your meeting). And in turn he apologized for getting lost which caused you to feel anxious. Win-win!

It appears Pretzel does take offense and does take it personally and reacts, not in a good or positive way.

And in turn, he reacts!

Something's gotta give here Pretzel, don't ya think?

Yes that was my point B, he understood and did not take it personally. He neither expected nor needed an apology.

 

Which made it easier for you to reflect and apologize (after your meeting). And in turn he apologized for getting lost which caused you to feel anxious. Win-win!

 

It appears Pretzel does take offense and does take it personally and reacts, not in a good or positive way.

 

And in turn, he reacts!

 

Something's gotta give here Pretzel, don't ya think?

Well he felt foolish for getting lost -no apology -but the point is Pretzel -as Katrina reiterated -if you want someone to feel open to sharing either an apology or a vulnerable/humble moment then give the person the space and right environment to do that. At work we're all on our most formal professional behavior (well we should be) and honestly that is why it's work, that is why sometimes it's stressful, the professional game face all the time. There's a thought that with our partners we should be able to let it hang out some, because ironically with strangers -or coworkers- or clients/customers we have to make sure to be polite at all times, we can't let it all hang out especially in today's world.

I must admit this topic is so interesting!

Thinking about my own relationship with my bf, sometimes when he gets short with me (in response to a question for example), in that moment I might say, sort of in a teasing way (but not really, lol) "well okay but you don't need to get snappy about it, I was only asking!" lol

Again, in a kind of in a cute, teasing way. Fortunately he gets it and will smile, as if to say, "yeah you got me there darlin," an acknowledgement that I'm right (not necessarily an apology), and give me a kiss or something. And then we let it go and enjoy the rest of our day!

A sweet moment for sure!

Thank you for sharing your feelings. This is a safe place without judgement. Relationships are very hard and there is conflict in everyone's. You need to build skills to learn how to communicate and manage the conflict that will come. If he is willing to work on it with you I highly recommend you see a professional together. There are conflicts that can easily be managed. There are also some that are dealbreakers so it is good that you determine that now while still dating and not married. Good Luck!

Thank you for sharing your feelings. This is a safe place without judgement. Relationships are very hard and there is conflict in everyone's. You need to build skills to learn how to communicate and manage the conflict that will come. If he is willing to work on it with you I highly recommend you see a professional together. There are conflicts that can easily be managed. There are also some that are dealbreakers so it is good that you determine that now while still dating and not married. Good Luck!

I honestly don't think this requires couples counseling. She might want to pursue individual counseling to learn how to interact with people in a way that reflects realistic expectations.