Should I reach out to her again?

Hi guys. Some of you know my background story. Quick synopsis: I am waiting for my final divorce decree any day now after nearly 29 years of marriage. He told me that he wanted a divorce mid-May. I only have a handful of friends (4 to be exact) because all the friends that I know are spouses of colleagues that work with my STBX. I am on Facebook often and I noticed, back in August, that one person on my friends list was on. Her husband works with my STBX but we've know each other for years and I really like her. I only see her during Christmas parties because she has 2 young children (7 and 9) and has made friends with moms with kids of the same ages as hers.

Anyway, I didn't want to lose touch with her and so I sent her a PM via Facebook. All I said was "I see that you're on and I wanted to say hi. Guess you heard about the divorce." She responded after a few days and said that her husband told her. She also said that she'd like to have lunch once her kids were back in school. School started the day after Labor Day. She has made no effort to contact me. In fact, if she's on Facebook and I go on, she leaves after 2-4 minutes (literally). If I happen to be on Facebook, and she comes on, she leaves within minutes. At first I thought it was a coincidence but now I keep track. I am so disappointed in her reaction. I just didn't expect that from her. So, my question is: Should I reach out to her again at some point? Or, not bother? IMO, I believe I should not bother but I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face. What do you think?

Sorry to hear this. A lot of people get squirmish when friends divorce. Let her reach out to you next time.

I wouldn't bother.

Get out there and make new friends.

Sorry to hear this. A lot of people get squirmish when friends divorce. Let her reach out to you next time.

You're right. Guess I'll wait and see what she does. Thank you.

I wouldn't bother.

 

Get out there and make new friends.

As I said to Wiseman2, I'll wait and see what she does. If she makes no attempt to get in touch, I won't bother, for sure. I hate to sound pessimistic, but I'm not ready to do that just yet. I'm not very good company for now.

She might feel awkward being as she knows both you and the ex.

Your best bet is to try and expand your circle and meet new people who aren't connected with the ex in any way, shape or form.

Do you have any hobbies? You could join a forum for those going through a divorce, are there any social group meet ups in your area?

She might feel awkward being as she knows both you and the ex.

 

Your best bet is to try and expand your circle and meet new people who aren't connected with the ex in any way, shape or form.

 

Do you have any hobbies? You could join a forum for those going through a divorce, are there any social group meet ups in your area?

I understand that but she is the one who suggested lunch, not me. I didn't say anything that forced her into a corner. She just gave me some false hope during my difficult time. A little "thinking of you" via FB would have been appreciated. Guess she's not a good of a friend as I thought she was. Oh well.

Yes, I have a hobby which I enjoy very much. I am on the design team for 2 artists. The design team and I design cards for them via FB. There are some Meetup groups in my area and I went to one back in August but I just don't feel up to that right now. I'm not exactly in a happy mood. I am still grieving my loss however toxic the marriage was. In time, I will go to these groups and meet new people but for now I prefer being alone. Thank you for your feedback.

There is no harm in picking out a restaurant and sending a message like.. "Hi so and so, how are you doing, would you like to meet for lunch on Saturday?"

The worst she can say is no, right?

There is no harm in picking out a restaurant and sending a message like.. "Hi so and so, how are you doing, would you like to meet for lunch on Saturday?"

 

The worst she can say is no, right?

I've thought about it and I decided not to bother with her. I honestly valued her friendship, but if she feels the need to go off-line (every time) when we're both on Facebook, that speaks volumes. I've been through a huge loss already and I don't need rejection from anyone at this point. I simply have to face yet another loss. At least now I know her true colours. Time to move on. Thanks for your feedback. xx

You do whats best for you. Sending hugs. x

enh social media... dont' read too much into it. In this case I say you come up with a specific idea and propose it to her and see what she says. Much like dating "tells", if she says yes - you can disgard any interpretations or appearances you had on FB media. If she says "no" and that's it - then she has decided she doesn't want to keep in touch. If she says "no" but proposes another time that's a good sign she was being sincere and you will meet. Again.. a lot like dating "tells" :)

Now comes the more important question. Are you SURE you want to keep in touch with her and become your own friends? When her husband works with your STBX? Yo might cross paths with him, you will probably off-hand hear about him or hear what's up with him, etc. ARe you SURE you want that coming off a divorce? (Be careful what you ask for sometimes)....

btw.. don't judge her. Its very possibly that she told her husband and her husband forbid her or told her it was a bad idea and she agreeed even if she is fond of you and wanted to.

There is easliy more at play and stake here then just whether you two "would like to be friends"....

enh social media... dont' read too much into it. In this case I say you come up with a specific idea and propose it to her and see what she says. Much like dating "tells", if she says yes - you can disgard any interpretations or appearances you had on FB media. If she says "no" and that's it - then she has decided she doesn't want to keep in touch. If she says "no" but proposes another time that's a good sign she was being sincere and you will meet. Again.. a lot like dating "tells" :)

 

Now comes the more important question. Are you SURE you want to keep in touch with her and become your own friends? When her husband works with your STBX? Yo might cross paths with him, you will probably off-hand hear about him or hear what's up with him, etc. ARe you SURE you want that coming off a divorce? (Be careful what you ask for sometimes)....

Hi! Thanks for answering. I don't think I will contact her via FB anymore. I definitely won't call her, for sure. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable and obligated in any way. Yes, perhaps her husband advised her to not continue our friendship. Never thought of that. But, I will say that she and her husband are such lovely people. It won't bother me if her husband should say anything good/bad about the STBX. He done enough to make me disgusted already. I inadvertently found out some things that he's done thus far and I truly think there's something missing upstairs. I am not bad mouthing him; just stating facts.

From what you describe, your only connection with her was her husband works with your soon to be ex. You only saw her once a year?

Yah, I wouldn't invest too much into this. There basically isn't a foundation to begin with, especially see your opening conversation with her was about your divorce. What exactly do you two have in common besides this?

I am sorry you are lonely. Let that motivate you even more to branch out to new people. People who are not tied to your past.

Hang in there.

From what you describe, your only connection with her was her husband works with your soon to be ex. You only saw her once a year?

 

Yah, I wouldn't invest too much into this. There basically isn't a foundation to begin with, especially see your opening conversation with her was about your divorce. What exactly do you two have in common besides this?

 

I am sorry you are lonely. Let that motivate you even more to branch out to new people. People who are not tied to your past.

Hang in there.

Well, when they first moved to NY from Texas about 6 years ago, we had them and their young children over for dinner 2-4 times a week since their house deal fell through. They reciprocated once they had a house and we all got to be good friends. We'd have dinners, BBQs, etc regularly. We each had a number of other couples join us at our respective houses as well. When her kids began school, she became friends with moms with kids the same age as hers. The dinners, etc, became less and less though. There were a lot a issues for a number of years at their place of employment. That's when the dinners stopped. People were doing locum tenens jobs during their vacations and a couple of people left the practice. That meant being on-call considerably more often and longer hours, which were long to begin with. That left little free time and people were unable to coordinate their schedules to host dinners, cocktail parties, etc. The STBX and his colleagues are anesthesiologists and we all know how busy physicians are. They owned their own practice and things got so bad that the practice was dissolved last year.

Anyway, we would met for dinner occasionally during the year (and at Christmas parties) but not often. I simply thought we could rekindle our friendship. I will make new friends but not for a while. I'm not exactly in a happy state of mind. I still have to process the divorce and all that goes with it.

That makes sense. I understand your disappointment.

As someone said earlier, people sometimes dont know what say when others are suffering so they find it easier to just avoid it.

I know that probably doesn't make you feel any better but that's just how life is sometimes.

My mother has been in the hospital for almost 3 weeks and it doesn't look good. I understand why my friends and coworkers are distant. They just dont know what to say. It's just the way it is and I dont take it personally

It seems as if you value the relationship. She might not know how to handle the situation right now. You can give her some time. If she is interested in maintaining the friendship, let her approach you or reach out to you. But, accept that some mutual friendships will come to an end. I am sorry for what you are dealing with. Sending hugs your way.

That makes sense. I understand your disappointment.

As someone said earlier, people sometimes dont know what say when others are suffering so they find it easier to just avoid it.

I know that probably doesn't make you feel any better but that's just how life is sometimes.

My mother has been in the hospital for almost 3 weeks and it doesn't look good. I understand why my friends and coworkers are distant. They just dont know what to say. It's just the way it is and I dont take it personally

I am so very sorry to hear about your mom. I truly understand the anguish that you are going through. The mistake I always seem to make is that I am under the impression that people think like me. If I lived close to you, I would be there for you, physically and mentally, as you go through this difficult time with your mom. When someone I know is going through a hard time, I don't avoid them. I do my best to support them and give them a shoulder to lean on. I guess some people think differently.

I won't take this personally. You are right, and I thank you for giving me another perspective. Please stay strong and take good care of yourself. xx

It seems as if you value the relationship. She might not know how to handle the situation right now. You can give her some time. If she is interested in maintaining the friendship, let her approach you or reach out to you. But, accept that some mutual friendships will come to an end. I am sorry for what you are dealing with. Sending hugs your way.

I guess you are right. I'll wait and see what happens. Yes, I do value her friendship which is why it bothers me that she seems to be ignoring me. If she reaches out: great. If not, such is life. Hugs to you too. xx

No, its her turn to reach out. she is probably uncomfortable . Time to make new friends

You’re reading too far into it. I’m only on Facebook for small snippets of time. So it would always look like I just logged off. I guarantee you don’t matter to her enough to track your activity and respond accordingly.

She’s busy. Her response is common.

No, its her turn to reach out. she is probably uncomfortable . Time to make new friends

In time I will make new friends. And, yes, I will wait for her to reach out. If she doesn't, then so be it.

You’re reading too far into it. I’m only on Facebook for small snippets of time. So it would always look like I just logged off. I guarantee you don’t matter to her enough to track your activity and respond accordingly.

 

She’s busy. Her response is common.

You really know how to make someone feel good. Thanks for the uplifting comments.

I will add, I've probably said `let's do lunch' and before you know it life gets in the way and you don't get around to doing it.

It doesn't mean anything about them. . more so about my time management. But my intentions were good. Assume hers are as well.

School started the day after Labor Day. She has made no effort to contact me. In fact, if she's on Facebook and I go on, she leaves after 2-4 minutes (literally). If I happen to be on Facebook, and she comes on, she leaves within minutes. At first I thought it was a coincidence but now I keep track. I am so disappointed in her reaction. I just didn't expect that from her. So, my question is: Should I reach out to her again at some point? Or, not bother? IMO, I believe I should not bother but I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face. What do you think?

If I were in your position, I'd reach out before closing the door on this. Yes, she may be squirmish about the divorce, and/or uninterested in actually going to lunch. However, I personally wouldn't be comfortable jumping to that conclusion soley based on the observation that she logs off a couple minutes after you log on. If you reach out and she doesn't answer, at least you have something concrete to go by. I don't think it would be cutting your nose off to spite your face. It's just an email/text.