Any chance? What should I do?

Me (24) and my ex (26) first met during my study abroad. She didn’t want a relationship at first because she was worried about the stress of trying to come together but in the end we were so in love she decide it was worth it.

I left in December, she came in March for three weeks and I visited her for over a month on a Europe trip in June/July. I was the first person she ever introduced to her parents and I attended her brothers wedding. We had some problems through out but always came out stronger. We new that long distance was hard and that we both wanted to give it a shot in person when I moved to Europe which is my dream with or without her.

2 months ago she called me saying she had to break up because she just couldn’t do this right now. Her parents are getting divorced, she just got a new job, and she is very far behind on her masters thesis that is due in December which she has already had to ask an extension for. I calmed her down and got her to keep trying with us and she just broke down saying how hard life is right now.

I was supposed to go visit her for a month starting today things became better than they ever were. We both agreed that we had gotten over the hump and she constantly referenced marriage which she got upset over speaking about before because she didn’t want pressure for the future.

Three weeks ago my mother went into the emergency room and now has to go get checked for cancer. I freaked out and stress messaged her that I needed more commitment from her and more focus on me. She said that she couldn’t leave her country right now and wouldn’t be willing to meet in another area like we had always planned but I wanted her to be more willing to make things work. I also wanted her to be more willing to focus on me when I needed her because she said I put to much pressure on her and should contact more friends the last time I really opened up to her.

She called and said she couldn’t do this anymore that day. The next day we talked again and she said that she did feel that I deserved to come in person to see how we feel but that she couldn’t risk it. She said that she just couldn’t ignore her doubts that we were not fits in the long term and that I’m amazing but she just can’t give me what I need right now.

A week later I got a job in her city and she called to help me prepare for the interview before I had it. After I texted that I got it she called me and was super excited about the news and called me babe while I flirted with her. She even referenced an inside joke we have about marriage and me buying her something. Over the next week we texted a few times but she only responded once anytime we talked. She was busy moving in to a new place and dealing with her parents new situation.

This week we texted every day at first about a family problem I had then about me helping her with her thesis and my visa problems. We talked yesterday on the phone and agreed to a date when I got there and she said she was excited for it. Today I came across another issue in for the visa and asked if I could come again because it would be easier for my process, this being after she said that I couldn’t come visit her because she couldn’t risk things. I also told her in the morning that I was super sad about not coming but I realize it was my fault and I’m working on it (I’ve started counseling and have done multiple dumb things out of stress, though never anything Too bad).

After asking her I realized how dumb the question was and tried to delete the message. She was still able to read it and said no because she won’t be at her place for awhile and as she said before she needs to figure out her life and can’t do this now. I told her I just had to ask to see all my options and that I hoped I didn’t annoy her too bad.

She then texted that she feels like I have false hope and that she thinks it’s better that we stop having contact and she hopes I respect that.

The relationship was a year long and both of us were against any relationship again before dating each other and we’re both madly in love for the past year.

Sorry for the long story, but my question is is there any chance of getting her back? She’s admitted that she feels insane and crazy right now. We had a date set up yesterday before I annoyed her today and she said she didn’t want contact, do I just go no contact forever and if she comes back then she comes back? I’ll be moving to her city in 2-3 months. Should I text her to try to meet up when I’m there? Should I wait until a little longer after being there to give her more space first?

She is the love of my life and I know there will be others without her but I know I’ll always regret not being better to her. Thank you so much for any help, I can’t explain how much it means to me. Any and all advice would be appreciated.

You need to give her some space. You push, and push, and push. You do not seem to have a lot of respect for her stresses and commitments, it seems to be so much about YOU.

I would give her a few months, and at least let her finish her thesis. if you continue with all of the pressure, you will lose her for good. Time to respect her, and her space.

Boy, I understand you were both under pressure, but then you decided to put even more pressure on her and make it all about yourself. And now you're getting a job in her city which will put even more pressure on her as I assume you're going to be calling her and trying to date her.

This is getting to be a nightmare for her. You're hinting about marriage after she's seen her own parent's marriage dissolve. You show up when she needs time to work on her thesis. You're like the Terminator, you just don't stop!

I agree with Holly. You need to back the way the hell off! You've turned her totally off. She's been trying to tell you, but you keep going and going.

She might be willing to try again once her life is under control, but she might friendzone you too. But right now, you need to do what she asked and stop contracting her. Go No Contact for at least three months and think about what you're doing and try to get some perspective. Get control of your own problems and calm down.

I'm sorry OP, but she has tried a couple times to end it. She only goes back because you keep pushing her, but her heart isn't in this anymore.

It hurts but you need to listen to what she is saying, which is that she doesn't want to be together. Perhaps she will rethink things and feel differently by the time you are actually in her city but I would not hedge bets on that right now. All you can do is respect her wishes to stay apart and give her the space she very clearly wants.

Stop reaching out to her. She knows where to find you if she wants to patch things up.

How long have you been dating? Don't use her to fulfill your "dream of living in Europe with Or Without her". Deal with your problems in your country on your own. Stop demanding she revolve her life around you, your issues, needs, and whims. Stop demanding "commitment". Is this for you to create a sham marriage for your easy entry into Europe?

Leave her alone and attend to your family situations in an adult fashion.. If you want to live in Europe get a work or study visa on your own.

We new that long distance was hard and that we both wanted to give it a shot in person when I moved to Europe which is my dream with or without her.

2 months ago she called me saying she had to break up because she just couldn’t do this right now. I freaked out and stress messaged her that I needed more commitment from her and more focus on me.

Seems like you have a lot going on at work right now.

Trust me a Master's thesis is stressful. I went days with food in my hair and not washing it. It is hard to think clearly when your writing someone you've spend well over a year doing. So give her space.

Take this time to focus on you!

I am not feeding you false hope by a colleague of mine met her now bf while traveling. They remaied friends. Then started flying out to see eachother. They had a break in between that before officially being together. Guess what they have been together four years and live together and really happy.

Sometimes some time apart is not the end of the world.

Good luck

Boy, I understand you were both under pressure, but then you decided to put even more pressure on her and make it all about yourself. And now you're getting a job in her city which will put even more pressure on her as I assume you're going to be calling her and trying to date her.

 

This is getting to be a nightmare for her. You're hinting about marriage after she's seen her own parent's marriage dissolve. You show up when she needs time to work on her thesis. You're like the Terminator, you just don't stop!

 

I agree with Holly. You need to back the way the hell off! You've turned her totally off. She's been trying to tell you, but you keep going and going.

 

She might be willing to try again once her life is under control, but she might friendzone you too. But right now, you need to do what she asked and stop contracting her. Go No Contact for at least three months and think about what you're doing and try to get some perspective. Get control of your own problems and calm down.

She made the multiple references to marriage after the first call saying that she couldn’t do this and she made the reference to marriage on the call after we broke up again and she found out that I was coming. Getting this job offer is the product of months of work and something that I want even if I never speak again it’s not easy enough that I could just decide to pop up in her country because she broke up with me especially since I have no work experience.

I will not be there for a few months, and it will be after she is finished with her thesis and her parents new living situations will be resolved by then.

I have no plans on contacting her anytime soon but my question is more should I just not talk to her again unless she comes to me or should I try when I get there or after I’ve been there for awhile.

She broke up so no contact is best. Ultimatums won't work. She probably will find a man locally who she has more in common with and who matches her level of maturity more.

should I just not talk to her again unless she comes to me.

I have no plans on contacting her anytime soon but my question is more should I just not talk to her again unless she comes to me or should I try when I get there or after I’ve been there for awhile.

She knows you're moving there, correct?

If so, there is no need to reach out to her after you've been there a while, if you haven't heard from her. Assuming she knows you're around and knows you didn't want to break up, no further contact from her would mean (to me) that she isn't interested in trying again.

She knows you're moving there, correct?

 

If so, there is no need to reach out to her after you've been there a while, if you haven't heard from her. Assuming she knows you're around and knows you didn't want to break up, no further contact from her would mean (to me) that she isn't interested in trying again.

She knows I’m attempting to. But she also knows that I’ve told her it looks like it might not be possible right now. She doesn’t know for sure if I’ll be there or not she just knows I have the job offer and am trying.

She knows I’m attempting to. But she also knows that I’ve told her it looks like it might not be possible right now. She doesn’t know for sure if I’ll be there or not she just knows I have the job offer and am trying.

Can you clarify, is this move for sure? I realize you have a job offer, and I relocated to Europe myself a few years ago so I know it's not so simple logistically, but I am not clear if you've also already secured the necessary visa and paperwork to permit you to live and work in your destination country.

Can you clarify, is this move for sure? I realize you have a job offer, and I relocated to Europe myself a few years ago so I know it's not so simple logistically, but I am not clear if you've also already secured the necessary visa and paperwork to permit you to live and work in your destination country.

I am in the process of applying for the visa. That is why I broke down and asked to come again because I was told that the process would be much easier if I was in the country rather than applying from the states. Due to the need for strong English proficiency and the lack of strong English the company has come across/ the amount of people that they need to bring since they are just starting there operation there the visa shouldn’t have a problem going through.

But I just emptied most of my savings on the tickets to come visit her and the money and timeframe I have makes it hard for me to make it work. As long as everything goes to plan I should be there in January at some point but even one thing going wrong or the visa not going through could stop this.

I am in the process of applying for the visa. That is why I broke down and asked to come again because I was told that the process would be much easier if I was in the country rather than applying from the states. Due to the need for strong English proficiency and the lack of strong English the company has come across/ the amount of people that they need to bring since they are just starting there operation there the visa shouldn’t have a problem going through.

 

But I just emptied most of my savings on the tickets to come visit her and the money and timeframe I have makes it hard for me to make it work. As long as everything goes to plan I should be there in January at some point but even one thing going wrong or the visa not going through could stop this.

It sucks, but I think you should stay in your country and try to move on. It is sooo much easier getting over someone who is far away. I dated someone I work with, and that is a hilariously bad mistake on my part. So you're lucky to have the person who broke your heart live so far away. It gets easier with time. You're heartbroken, that's normal, but each day gets easier. It's cheesy, but so true. Just keep pluggin away and then a few months from now, you'll realize this wasn't that big of a deal.