I feel anxious about my boyfriend visiting a female friend across country

I have only been seeing "Drew" since the beginning of August. We had actually met once over the summer and I ran into him again in August and we hit it off.

I tend to take things slow in a relationship, but I knew that he had this trip planned to see a female friend of his since before we had even started talking. It prompted me to have a discussion with him about a month ago about whether or not we were exclusive. He said we were, and he wanted to take things slow, too, so I was happy.

But now he left to see this friend and I can tell he is very close to her. I asked him again last night whether he would be sleeping around on the trip and he said "Of course not."

Maybe it's just my insecurity, but I am not 100 percent comfortable with the idea that he will be traveling with this good friend of his around her state for a week. At the same time, I feel like the relationship is so new, that me asking the details of their relationship or implying that he will cheat on me with her is too soon.

Advice?

I think you're correct. Where your relationship is still relatively new, and this is an old friend, you have to give him a pass on the trip and practice the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Don't push him for details. Don't let your jealous imagination loose on what may have happened.

This may be the turning point in your relationship where, after seeing his old girlfriend, your boyfriend comes back and decides to get really serious with you. But, yeah, bite your tongue and go with the flow. It's too early to declare ownership. And you don't want to make the mistake of thinking this is more than a friendship.

Why bother dating him? It's too new, you already don't trust him and it's not worth sleeping with him when you are both better off being single or being friends or fwb. It's gotten off to a bad start already. He's not going to tell you, "yes we hooked up" if he expects to have sex with you when he gets back.

I ran into him again in August and we hit it off. he left to see this friend and I can tell he is very close to her. I asked him again last night whether he would be sleeping around on the trip and he said "Of course not."

Unfortunately it is far too new to not only ask, but to know for sure if he will sleep with her or not.

All you can do is sit back, be cool and hope for the best. It sounds lame, but honestly, that's all you can do.

If on the other hand you don't want to be vulnerable, then end things with him before he leaves.

Were you invited to go? Has he dated this woman in the past? I don't suggest having just a sexual arrangement with him since you have feelings for him. What are the sleeping arrangements on the trip?

discussion with him about a month ago about whether or not we were exclusive. He said we were

Exclusivity, by definition, means not sleeping with anyone else.

You brought up exclusivity. He said you were.

That's all you need to know for now.

You either trust your exclusive boyfriend, or you don't.

My advice? Trust him. Listen to his stories about his trip with enthusiasm. Return his calls & texts while he's away.

Once he returns, if you have any inklings or feelings that he wasn't exclusive, then you should break up with him. But until that time, he's your exclusive boyfriend. Trust him.

If they are old friends, I do not understand your concern.

I am visiting my friend of 20+ years, next weekend. Nothing has ever happened between us, and nothing ever will, because we are friends. People are capable of having platonic relationships.

If they are old friends, I do not understand your concern.

 

I am visiting my friend of 20+ years, next weekend. Nothing has ever happened between us, and nothing ever will, because we are friends. People are capable of having platonic relationships.

So true! I have guy friends who are friends, nothing more. I dont know why so many people fear the worst almost immediately when they learn of a friend of the opposite sex! Just because you are friends doesnt mean you are going to have sex with them!

So true! I have guy friends who are friends, nothing more. I dont know why so many people fear the worst almost immediately when they learn of a friend of the opposite sex! Just because you are friends doesnt mean you are going to have sex with them!

I see the issue as traveling together and sleeping arrangements. And I’d want to know if they dated in the past. That they’re friends is fine. I wouldn’t be ok with my husband sharing a hotel room with a female friend. Not because I don’t trust him because it could send the wrong message. In an emergency sure.

OP, would you be feeling this way if "she" were a "he"? A male friend?

I'd be uncomfortable with it to be honest.

But I've never really trusted male/female friendships, the men have always wanted more with me. So that's my own issue.

That said, it's so early in your relationship, I would not be "grilling" him about it, sleeping arrangements etc.

My thinking is in line with what LHGirl posted.

You will just have to live with a bit of anxiety and uncertainty about this unfortunately.

Are they staying under the same roof? My POV is that hanging out with / visiting old friends from the opposite sex is totally okay but out of respect to your current partner you wouldn't sleep at your friends' place overnight (unlike when you are single). Exception perhaps if they were married or were living with a long-term partner.

As others have said you are exclusive. Thus, you either trust him or you don't.

This is a new relationship, so you're still learning about him. This woman is part of his history, but rather than offhandedly asking him if he'd sleep around, which doesn't buy you any real answers, I'd have asked him whether he and she have any sexual history together. THAT would have told me all I'd need to know about whether I'm sticking around to discover how he behaves after his trip, or not.

Since you don't seem to have that information, I'd give him the benefit of doubt and see how things go on his return. If he behaves normally, you can learn whether you'll hold the same concerns about this woman over time. If he behaves distant or conflicted, I'd dump him.

Head high, and I hope you'll let us know how things turn out.