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Thread: Hate it for letting down my guard

  1. #1
    Platinum Member renaissancewoman101's Avatar
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    Hate it for letting down my guard

    I used to post on here a lot but haven't been in a long while. I haven't dated in years (don't want to deal with the emotional hassle that comes with it when things always end up blowing up in my face). Mostly just work, travel by myself, do things by myself, etc. Tim and I are still very close. We recently bought a house together (long story about that) because I'm to this point that, as I grow older, maybe having a close friend in my life (even though there will never be anything between us), is a good thing, especially since my health is not good. Had a few health scares recently. I don't really want to grow old alone.

    Other than that, I hang on a railfanning site to watch trains, chat with people, etc. I recently went out to a railfan event on the East Coast. One of the guys on the site who is also from my area was coming along. Got to hang with him on the trip. He took me around the city the event was at, we chatted, went out to lunch etc.. I'm mad at myself because just hanging out with him for a few days, got me attached to him. I guess I am really lonely. He's not interested in dating (that I do know). I did ask him if we could go out for a coffee when we are back in town. He seemed ok with that. We do have each other's numbers.

    I guess I am kicking myself for letting myself get attached to someone. I was actually scared to go out to the rail event mainly because I was going to be going to a very small town that was very conservative and white (and I am not white). He helped me to feel comfortable there. The people there were friendly to me so I had nothing to worry about, but with the political climate being what it is now, it is a valid worry. (PS: this is NOT a political post).

    Somtimes it is just better to close your heart and keep your guard up.

    I guess my question is how do I squash those stupid emotions of mine?

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    You don't because attempting to squash gives them too much head space. Acknowledge the feelings and take actions that either distract or push them to the edges of the radar. I like things like cardio exercise, angry cleaning, 4-7-8 breathing, being other-centered (whether talking to a friend or doing volunteer work, or small kindnesses to acquaintances or strangers) -- hanging out with him didn't "get you attached" -you chose to be open with him, you chose to be attached. It's ok to feel a connection to someone. You keep the nice memory in mind and as I wrote above if the feelings start being overwhelming or out of proportion to what it was you permit those feelings to exist and take the actions I suggested or similar ones that work for you.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Lovely post by Batya. I won't bother to paraphrase it, because it's so lovely.

    You sound like you're living a great life, following your truth, finding things that bring you joy. That said, you're also acknowledging loneliness and a desire for connection—that, after all, is how we don't grow old alone.

    To these ears and eyes, it sounds like the lesson here is that your heart is maybe more open, and a bit hungrier, than you're acknowledging. I think there's real power in that, real strength, if you lean into that truth.

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    I think spending your life with a Significant Other is preferable to leading a lonely single life. As they say, better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I would change that to it's better to look for love than to close yourself off. Maybe you can find another rail fan to hang out with.

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    Platinum Member renaissancewoman101's Avatar
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    I do have a close friend in my life right now (but there is NOTHING romantic between us), so even though we have that kind of close connection, I am lonely at times. Most times I let it be and deal with it. This time I was stupid and allowed myself to get attached to someone who paid attention to me and treated me well.

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    Originally Posted by renaissancewoman101
    I do have a close friend in my life right now (but there is NOTHING romantic between us), so even though we have that kind of close connection, I am lonely at times. Most times I let it be and deal with it. This time I was stupid and allowed myself to get attached to someone who paid attention to me and treated me well.
    But the thing is you interacted with him for a very short time. So it's great that during that short time he paid attention to you and treated you well. And he might for years to come, who knows - but the thing is you don't know. Most people especially in a vacation setting are cool to hang out with and get to know -and it tells you nothing relevant about whether there is potential for a long term friendship or romantic relationship. I think it's fine to connect with someone on vacation and it's your responsibility to have perspective on the boundaries. Part of having that perspective means understanding that if you don't have a lot going on in your life you're more likely to choose to see that kind of short term interaction as more than it is. That's ok and then it's on you to separate acknowledging feelings from acting on those feelings by letting them overtake you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by renaissancewoman101

    Somtimes it is just better to close your heart and keep your guard up.

    I guess my question is how do I squash those stupid emotions of mine?
    I don't agree with that at all (bolded). You may as well be dead as far as I'm concerned, because feelings/emotions are how we know we are ALIVE.

    What's best is to learn how to manage your emotions in a healthy way so they don't overwhelm you which is what I think is happening.

    You don't even need to do anything to squelch them, just accept them, embrace them; I do (and have) even when they're not reciprocated all the way.

    I dunno maybe it's just me but I would much rather feel a deep attachment to someone and have it not be reciprocated, than feel NOTHING at all. And I've experienced both.

    That lack of emotion, that apathy; hell I would seriously rather be dead than experience that again.

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    Who is Tim? Why did you buy a house together if your not together and are you planning on moving in together?

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    Platinum Member renaissancewoman101's Avatar
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    Btya33, I like the way you explain it. This sums up this whole situation in a neat and tidy way. I'm ok with it now. I stewed about it for a day and I'm letting it go. Normally, when I travel by myself, I keep to myself and I don't try to make friends on trips.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by renaissancewoman101
    Btya33, I like the way you explain it. This sums up this whole situation in a neat and tidy way. I'm ok with it now. I stewed about it for a day and I'm letting it go. Normally, when I travel by myself, I keep to myself and I don't try to make friends on trips.
    Why keep to yourself? I think one of the most awesome parts of traveling is meeting people.


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