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Stalking to get closure??


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Hi. I have a question about social media stalking. So a quick intro of my situation, first. Dated 5yrs engaded and been apart for 2months now. I have a gut feeling that she is interested on someone fromher work. Though she did not state that during our break up. I have unfriended.unfollowed her on all of my social media and this has helped me tremendously. Lately, I have been stalking that “coworker”. Their are signs of interest from both peoply (my ex and him) but nothing certain for now. I am checking his social media daily in the hopes of actually seeing them together. I am doing this because I want to actually acknowledge that my gut feeling is right and that it will help me move on because she is with somebody else (the one I asked her about).

 

Is this a valid reason for stalking? Is this how I’ll get a closure? I am asking because I am confused. I honestly do not know what to do.

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Closure will come when you decide to acknowledge what is your reality right now, regardless of what's going on with a coworker. That reality? A once open door is closed. Your relationship is over. Which sucks, I know. I'm sorry for that, for the pain. We've all been there.

 

What you're doing now, with the stalking? Totally normal, totally human. But also? Totally unhealthy.

 

Take a real moment, right now, to acknowledge that. No judgement, just observe. Because I think you already know that, or wouldn't be posting here. Take all the self-help guides on the planet, talk to all the therapists, and I assure you none of them will suggest social media "stalking" as solid road to closure.

 

Really, it's the opposite. It's picking a scab. Maybe she rides off to heaven with the coworker, maybe it's a fling, maybe it's absolutely nothing. What remains the same in all of those scenarios? That she is not with you, that that door is closed. Again, I'm sorry.

 

Once upon a time (I was around then) people broke up and you had no window into what they were doing. Did they go through a promiscuous phase? Did they join a monastery? You didn't know, it didn't matter, and it was great! Because IF you ended up reconnecting, you didn't have a little screen feeding you images that you turned into stories that kept you frozen when you should be moving forward.

 

All that said, I get it. I've done what you're doing, as have many. I've also literally picked at scabs over and over, because there's something weirdly fun about the hit of pain, the sight of blood. For, like, a minute. Then that gets boring, and you decide to heal. So, from that angle, this might be a small, if not the most ideal, road to getting to where you need to get, which is acceptance.

 

But if I were you, I'd choose another. You'll feel better, more true to the person you are and want to be.

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Really, what difference does it make if she's interested in a coworker? It's been two months now. If she dumped you to be with him, well, they're doing a great job of hiding it.

 

You have to face up to the facts. The relationship is over. I'm sure she gave you a reason. You just have to accept it. You're not going to heal until you give up your stalking and move on.

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Thanks for the hard truth. Will work on this now. Been NC for a month except for the daily checking if instagram stories. Will definitely avoid this action. I knew deep inside what I was doing was unhealthy. Maybe a part of me was denying it but yeah the truth will always remain the same.. she is not with me and the door is closed. Thanks guys!

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there is never a valid reason for stalking - period.

Curiosity is natural human instinct and maybe a quick curious glance to confirm your suspicions is okay and not bad - but not obssessive stalking. PLUS - suspicions doens't mean you're suspcisions are right. LASTLY - even if they get together eventually and end up together - so what? What did that do for you to confirm? Why does it matter if they get together or not if you are apart?

 

The best thing any of us can learn in life is to "let go" - and how to "let go". This is a prime example of that and to just move on and not dwell on the past.

 

Good luck.

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We've all been there! Cyberstalking exes or their new partners happens to the best of us. You just have to train your brain to do something else to keep you from obsessing. Even if they are together, good riddens. It's a time to refocus on yourself, getting your groove back. Go to the gym, hang with friends, family. Book a trip to someplace awesome. Retrain your brain. Volunteer. Change up how you go home from work. Change up routines.

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When I catch myself considering doing something like this, I ask myself a couple simple questions :

 

~will it change the outcome? - in your case, no

~and, will this risk hurting myself in any way? - in this case, yes

 

That's enough for me to not do it.

I hope it helps you in some way.

 

Sorry for the break up. Hang in there

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I consider "online stalking/checking" another form of contact, so I consider no contact the days I don't communicate with them nor check their social media. Online stalking is an excuse your brain creates to continue attached to the relationship. It wants to keep the connection going and so the excuse it gets is to continue checking their social media. This delays your healing and prevents you from actually letting go. You need to fully detach from her as hard as it is, and it includes her social media.

 

Besides, closure is about yourself and yourself only and not about the other person. They can't give you closure. Closure is about you accepting the relationship is over, not about you knowing if they're dating someone else or not.

 

Regardless of she having him lined up or not, this doesn't change the outcome and reality of her not wanting to be in the relationship. That's all that matters.

 

Most people won't tell you the actual reasons they're breaking up with you. Not because they're evil but most times it's either because they don't want to hurt you even more or because themselves don't know the specific reasons, just feel that it's over for them. You have to take whatever explanation they give you and extract the important message there "they don't want to be with you for whatever reason". Once you extract that message and forget the noise around it, it'll keep your focus on healing and moving on.

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Nice replies and all are noted!

 

I guess I had this idea that seeing her with someone else will help me move on. (Because she is finally with someone else and it also shows me that she is changing into someone different with traits not attractive to me). But reading your comments reminded me that all the reason I needed to move on was given to me during the break up. And it is not worth it since it is just damaging, messes up with my mind, and prolonging my healing. I’ll do my best to resist the urge and stop doing it. This is my final challenge to go NC. I wish I can do it.

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Hey Nachocheese,

Wish you the best with your struggle. I am in a similar situation trying to maintain NC with an old ex after recent interaction. I am trying to take it one day at a time too. Will just say to hang in there and value yourself for who you are. You deserve so much better and dont let anyone make you feel otherwise. Best wishes.

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I have unfriended.unfollowed her on all of my social media and this has helped me tremendously.

 

Good. So why wouldn't you help yourself tremendously the rest of the way by putting your eyes on your own paper?

 

Stalking isn't healing, it's obsessing--over a situation you can do nothing about. So what's in that for you?

 

I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this by cultivating a fabulous future for myself. The more focused you become on doing that, the less relevant the ex will become.

 

THAT is how to prepare for the day when you hear of her and some schmoe taking up air together. Maybe you'll get to be 'right,' and maybe it will sting for a day or a week, but you won't have wasted endless hours of your life that you can never get back to live over again trying to nail ex for something that really isn't even any of your business anymore.

 

Head high, and skip the sickness rather than stoke it. You will thank yourself later.

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I believe in doing whatever you need to do to move on as long as you are not lying, deceiving or hurting anyone.

 

Social media -- people post things on their social media knowing others will read. It's public.

 

Therefore I don't consider checking social media "stalking" -- if someone wanted something to be private, they would not have plastered it on social media.

 

Certainly nothing like my ex sitting in his car watching who I brought home every night, or following me in his car to see where I was going, who I was hanging out with. That's stalking.

 

I get how you feel. Sometimes we need that last "punch in the gut" that our ex has hooked with someone else, happy with someone else, or just into someone else, to finally accept its over.

 

They're not gonna tell us so we have no choice but to find out through their social media, which again is public and if they did not want it to be public, they would not have posted it.

 

That is why I stay away from social media, I don't want anyone but good friends knowing or seeing my business, I am too private a person for that.

 

Just my $.02, you do whatever you need to do and take care of you.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Why not? Just like you quit smoking, you chew some type of gum to help quitting, and that type of gum has certain nicotine in it. Social media stalking is like that gum to help you quit.

 

My personal story, long time ago, I was dumped by a guy because I was clingy, and because of GIGS from his side. He changed his phone number, moved out suddenly, only left an email account that I could communicate. I stalked his facebook account, I stalked his friends' facebook accounts, I stalked his linkedin account etc. I know his workplace, but I never went there. I don't do physical type of stalking, that is too confronting to me. Staking make me feel a bit better. I sent him many emails, telling him how much I miss him, and promised change, and want him back, etc. He occasionally replied, very cold and short, no substance. About two years later, I still miss him a lot and could not get over him. One night I stalked his sister's facebook account, I was very shocked that he just got married a few months ago. His sister put a picture of her attending her brother's wedding, and she only has one brother, that is him. And I saw him in the picture with his sister, dressed as a groom. At that time, I got off my computer, walked in my room in circles for a long time, my heart was really shattered. I couldn't even think too much. But miraculously, from that night on, I can finally gave up and let it go, and get over him. I never really think about him or initiated any contact with him after that night.

 

Weird, a few months later he sent me an email out of blue, wishing me happy new year. I was a bit surprised, shouldn't him be celebrating new year with his newly wed wife, instead of thinking about me? Anyway, I replied due to politeness. Then once a while, he will send me an email, asking how I was doing. I got a feeling that he was testing the waters, and there is some chance he might want to be back with me. So I purposely asked him if he met any new girl, and got married, and he never answered my question. That pissed me off. So in one email I told him I was married with kids, though it was not true and I was single at that time, I just want him to get the hint, and don't want to hear from him any more. After some time, he still sent me emails trying to test the waters. I got irriated and deleted his email and did not reply, and considering blocking him if he sent more emails. He was smart and did not send me any more emails afterwards.

 

In this case, online stalking did help me move on. To this day, I very rarely think about him, if I think about him, it is mostly for reflections on past relationships so I can learn and improve myself. When I do think about him, all passions are gone, the only thing left is indifference and resentment. I do not like people treat me that way, so I resented him, and wish bad things happen to him. Do I want to see him again, or want to have anything to do with him, absolutely NO! I have well passed the point of no return. I do not care about him even a bit, and will no more waste one minute of life on him.

 

So for OP, I think some type of social media stalking is fine. Anyway, they post it for the public to see, and you can see it too, and help you move on, so why not?

 

The online stalking ensured you were still missing him two years later; obsessing about someone and indulging that obsession just makes sure you're still bound to them without any genuine connection. If you had really gone NC you could have got over him much more quickly, otherwise it's just like pulling the scabs off your healing. It took seeing him married for you finally to move on.

 

To the OP: stalking someone because you think they might be connected to your ex will keep you as stuck as if you were actively stalking your ex, and it will keep your wounds open for as long as you continue to do so.

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Hi guys. I stopped the stalking. It’s a mind over matter thing. I told myself “when life finally introduces a (better) partner, I should have moved on and not stalking my ex” and so, I decided to just stop and heal. I just want to move on and it does not matter if I was wrong or right. All I know is that moving on is the right thing. Time has given me the opportunity ti see the relationship for what it truly was. I now know what I want from a relationship and what are not acceptable to me.

 

Thanks for the replies. I think I’m in the right path now. As time passes by, I feel more at peace. :)

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Nacho* ~ Good to hear buddy. It's awful and painful stuff no doubt.

 

I unfollowed my exwife fairly immediately but then got caught looking at events to see if she was attending and saw comments from her on others posts....

 

Difficult stuff....

 

I've now removed all notifications from FB and haven't logged in there for 5 days.

 

S'funny, if you actually log out and stay out, you become more and more disinterested as days go by.

 

Social media in itself is an addiction.

 

Bit different I guess for those who run business, groups or events etc through those platforms.

 

Anyway, I also just wanna say, don't beat yourself up too much if you do sneak a peek somewhere along the journey. Most people who give up cigarettes or alcohol or whatever don't just give up on the spot and never indulge again. Some do but most struggle and yes our exes are one of the heaviest addictions out there. The withdrawals can be extreme!

 

So what's the first step to getting off an addiction? Actually wanting to....

 

And you my friend have now taken that first step.....

 

It will be hard and some days will be harder than others, but post here, reach out for support and we'll do what we can too see you through....

 

Sending You Strength

 

Carus*

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Thanks for the reply, Carus.

 

Yup it sure is hard. And I wont be too hard on myself. NO CONTACT really helps us forget but maintaining it can be hard. As days goes by, the memory of her slowly fades away. I still think of her everyday (but the details of her face voice etc. starts to get blurry) but i’m getting used to it (sometimes i get sick of it too). She sure made it painful for me but she gave me more reasons to move on which made it a little bit easier for me to accept that she is not the one for me. One day, she will just be a memory. I did not want this but this is life.

 

Here are quotes that helped me ACCEPT and LET GO because I think the real problem for me was the sadness with the thought that one day I will actually forget her. Anyway here are the quotes/saying:

 

1. “Obsessive thinking often comes from your brain's whack notion that if you don't obsess, you'll forget. I've found that your brain actually knows that writing it all down means it can relax with all the memorization nonsense. It's like burying your bone in a familiar place--you can stop carrying it around for a while, and concentrate on something else.” -John Carlton

 

-helps to write down stuff and let your mind relax and let go of information.

 

2. “Losing a romantic relationship can lead to intense feelings of sadness. Sadness allows us to connect with ourselves. As bad as it feels, we connect. We connect with our emotions, we connect with our memories and we connect with our thoughts. This is why it is comfortable to stay in sadness and difficult to transcend — we are meeting our need for connection.” -Tony Robbins

 

We say we do not want to be sad but most of the time we are unaware that sadness is actually comfortable. We are afraid to face the unknown future and so we hold on to the past.

 

Hope this helps us all :)

 

-Nachocheese

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I have to agree that stalking can lead to closure, at least for me and only cyber stalking. In fact, I think that stalking is too harsh a word for it. You don’t “stalk” someone’s grave after they’ve died. You visit it to help you move on.

 

Visiting my ex’s Facebook page has always led to sadness. But not visiting her page has led to obsession. I resisted and it persisted. Last night I went to her page and was immensely saddened. This morning I woke up and cried for a while. Crying ultimately helped me feel somewhat better and helped me connect with some emotions that needed to be released. There are still plenty of emotions that need to be released and not trapped inside me, frozen until someone else unknowingly taps into them. Seeing pictures of her helped me to remember her, not in an angry way but in a softer way.

 

I think that for some people, strict no contact is the perfect solution. For others it is the opposite. “Stalking” is a good middle of the road.

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I have to agree with Teddy* 'Stalking' is the wrong term.

 

And yes, immediate cut off or 'Strict NC' can cause extreme separation anxiety, withdrawals and other psychological complications.

 

You'll look at your exes social media....until you don't. Or until it doesn't bother you anymore.

 

This is based in one modality which I believe to be quite effective called 'Exposure Therapy' (ET)....although ET is best served by a trained counselor and with the right support.

 

It is a popular therapy to treat PTSD and Complicated Grief, which sadly a lot of us fall into when a breakup occurs.

 

I'm certainly not advocating constantly checking their social media or your phone to see if they've called etc... The less the better.

 

And obviously physical stalking is a no no and will get you into ten types of trouble!

 

But the consequences of just 'cutting it all off' can be dire and dangerous. This is also why it's so damn hard to do....

 

But this is also where strength is born....

 

Carus*

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