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Thread: Stalking to get closure??

  1. #11
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    great post!

  2. #12
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    You are not doing yourself any favors.

    Whether they are together or not. Won't change the situation.

    Sometimes it's better to just not know these things! Delete this guy and focus on you

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I consider "online stalking/checking" another form of contact, so I consider no contact the days I don't communicate with them nor check their social media. Online stalking is an excuse your brain creates to continue attached to the relationship. It wants to keep the connection going and so the excuse it gets is to continue checking their social media. This delays your healing and prevents you from actually letting go. You need to fully detach from her as hard as it is, and it includes her social media.

    Besides, closure is about yourself and yourself only and not about the other person. They can't give you closure. Closure is about you accepting the relationship is over, not about you knowing if they're dating someone else or not.

    Regardless of she having him lined up or not, this doesn't change the outcome and reality of her not wanting to be in the relationship. That's all that matters.

    Most people won't tell you the actual reasons they're breaking up with you. Not because they're evil but most times it's either because they don't want to hurt you even more or because themselves don't know the specific reasons, just feel that it's over for them. You have to take whatever explanation they give you and extract the important message there "they don't want to be with you for whatever reason". Once you extract that message and forget the noise around it, it'll keep your focus on healing and moving on.

  4. #14
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    Nice replies and all are noted!

    I guess I had this idea that seeing her with someone else will help me move on. (Because she is finally with someone else and it also shows me that she is changing into someone different with traits not attractive to me). But reading your comments reminded me that all the reason I needed to move on was given to me during the break up. And it is not worth it since it is just damaging, messes up with my mind, and prolonging my healing. I’ll do my best to resist the urge and stop doing it. This is my final challenge to go NC. I wish I can do it.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Treat this like an addiction `one day at a time'

    Challenge yourself to abstain in manageable increments.

    Promise yourself you won't give in to temptation for the rest of today and reward yourself for doing so. . and so on.
    You got this!

  7. #16
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    Hey Nachocheese,
    Wish you the best with your struggle. I am in a similar situation trying to maintain NC with an old ex after recent interaction. I am trying to take it one day at a time too. Will just say to hang in there and value yourself for who you are. You deserve so much better and dont let anyone make you feel otherwise. Best wishes.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nachocheese
    I have unfriended.unfollowed her on all of my social media and this has helped me tremendously.
    Good. So why wouldn't you help yourself tremendously the rest of the way by putting your eyes on your own paper?

    Stalking isn't healing, it's obsessing--over a situation you can do nothing about. So what's in that for you?

    I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this by cultivating a fabulous future for myself. The more focused you become on doing that, the less relevant the ex will become.

    THAT is how to prepare for the day when you hear of her and some schmoe taking up air together. Maybe you'll get to be 'right,' and maybe it will sting for a day or a week, but you won't have wasted endless hours of your life that you can never get back to live over again trying to nail ex for something that really isn't even any of your business anymore.

    Head high, and skip the sickness rather than stoke it. You will thank yourself later.

  9. #18
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    I believe in doing whatever you need to do to move on as long as you are not lying, deceiving or hurting anyone.

    Social media -- people post things on their social media knowing others will read. It's public.

    Therefore I don't consider checking social media "stalking" -- if someone wanted something to be private, they would not have plastered it on social media.

    Certainly nothing like my ex sitting in his car watching who I brought home every night, or following me in his car to see where I was going, who I was hanging out with. That's stalking.

    I get how you feel. Sometimes we need that last "punch in the gut" that our ex has hooked with someone else, happy with someone else, or just into someone else, to finally accept its over.

    They're not gonna tell us so we have no choice but to find out through their social media, which again is public and if they did not want it to be public, they would not have posted it.

    That is why I stay away from social media, I don't want anyone but good friends knowing or seeing my business, I am too private a person for that.

    Just my $.02, you do whatever you need to do and take care of you.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 10-27-2018 at 03:49 PM.

  10. #19
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    If you are still looking at her social media, you are not doing no contact.

    Been NC for a month except for the daily checking if instagram stories.
    So don't be so arrogant as to complain NC doesn't work - if you are not doing it.

  11. 11-18-2018, 02:50 PM

  12. #20
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    Originally Posted by emilylin123
    Why not? Just like you quit smoking, you chew some type of gum to help quitting, and that type of gum has certain nicotine in it. Social media stalking is like that gum to help you quit.

    My personal story, long time ago, I was dumped by a guy because I was clingy, and because of GIGS from his side. He changed his phone number, moved out suddenly, only left an email account that I could communicate. I stalked his facebook account, I stalked his friends' facebook accounts, I stalked his linkedin account etc. I know his workplace, but I never went there. I don't do physical type of stalking, that is too confronting to me. Staking make me feel a bit better. I sent him many emails, telling him how much I miss him, and promised change, and want him back, etc. He occasionally replied, very cold and short, no substance. About two years later, I still miss him a lot and could not get over him. One night I stalked his sister's facebook account, I was very shocked that he just got married a few months ago. His sister put a picture of her attending her brother's wedding, and she only has one brother, that is him. And I saw him in the picture with his sister, dressed as a groom. At that time, I got off my computer, walked in my room in circles for a long time, my heart was really shattered. I couldn't even think too much. But miraculously, from that night on, I can finally gave up and let it go, and get over him. I never really think about him or initiated any contact with him after that night.

    Weird, a few months later he sent me an email out of blue, wishing me happy new year. I was a bit surprised, shouldn't him be celebrating new year with his newly wed wife, instead of thinking about me? Anyway, I replied due to politeness. Then once a while, he will send me an email, asking how I was doing. I got a feeling that he was testing the waters, and there is some chance he might want to be back with me. So I purposely asked him if he met any new girl, and got married, and he never answered my question. That pissed me off. So in one email I told him I was married with kids, though it was not true and I was single at that time, I just want him to get the hint, and don't want to hear from him any more. After some time, he still sent me emails trying to test the waters. I got irriated and deleted his email and did not reply, and considering blocking him if he sent more emails. He was smart and did not send me any more emails afterwards.

    In this case, online stalking did help me move on. To this day, I very rarely think about him, if I think about him, it is mostly for reflections on past relationships so I can learn and improve myself. When I do think about him, all passions are gone, the only thing left is indifference and resentment. I do not like people treat me that way, so I resented him, and wish bad things happen to him. Do I want to see him again, or want to have anything to do with him, absolutely NO! I have well passed the point of no return. I do not care about him even a bit, and will no more waste one minute of life on him.

    So for OP, I think some type of social media stalking is fine. Anyway, they post it for the public to see, and you can see it too, and help you move on, so why not?
    The online stalking ensured you were still missing him two years later; obsessing about someone and indulging that obsession just makes sure you're still bound to them without any genuine connection. If you had really gone NC you could have got over him much more quickly, otherwise it's just like pulling the scabs off your healing. It took seeing him married for you finally to move on.

    To the OP: stalking someone because you think they might be connected to your ex will keep you as stuck as if you were actively stalking your ex, and it will keep your wounds open for as long as you continue to do so.

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