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Thread: Ladies, what went wrong?

  1. #1
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    Ladies, what went wrong?

    On 8-Oct, a girl and I started talking. We were set up through a mutual friend. We never actually met, but we know of each other. We haven't met because she's on a work trip now, and will be back February, but our mutual friend thought it'd be a good idea to get the ball rolling. None of us was opposed to the idea. I'm 31, she's 24 years old in April.

    Bear in mind there's a 10 hour time difference. First week, things were going good getting to know one another. We messaged and spoke on the phone every other day. Our second-last phone call was on Tuesday (16 Oct), and lasted 2 hours, and agreed we should FaceTime video soon. Wednesday onwards I started to feel a bit of dryness from her end. I would message, and she would read the message but take a few hours to respond, and her response would be somewhat dry. Her parents are in town so I know she's busy with them, when she's not at work. I told her I may be attending a conference end of November which is a 2-hour flight from where she is, and if I do, I'll pass by after it.

    Long story short, I spoke to her on the phone yesterday for a solid 30 minutes on her way to work. Asked her where she's been, she said busy with work and family, and apparently that she messaged few days ago but I never responded. Told her never got anything. We didn't make a big deal of it, and kept talking normal.

    Few hours later she texts and says that I'm a great guy but she believes our personalities don't work well with one another and she wishes me all the best. Told her that I respect her decision and caught me off guard, but can't jump to conclusions let alone we haven't even met properly. Also asked to talk on the phone later to clarify things as this topic isn't for texting. She reiterated that it's not me, and it's just our personalities don't match, and wished me the best. I told her that she has limited life experience and the fact she rushed into a decision proves it. She said she may be young, but knows what she wants. Went a little back and forth, and ended on a good note both wishing the best to each other.

    But what went wrong? Any ideas?

  2. #2
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    Well, the 7-years age difference might be a problem. How much do you have in common with her? Technically, you're a Millennial and she may identify with Gen Z, so your ideas and philosophies might not match. Also, you may have been communicating too much with her. After all, she couldn't see you until February and you were coming on pretty strong for a stranger and bothering her when she had family in town. And then the little argument you had at the end of the last phone call may have cinched things since you got testy with her.

    I think it's a case of too much too soon. She didn't want to date over the Internet.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by lmasterz
    Few hours later she texts and says that I'm a great guy but she believes our personalities don't work well with one another and she wishes me all the best. Told her that I respect her decision and caught me off guard, but can't jump to conclusions let alone we haven't even met properly. Also asked to talk on the phone later to clarify things as this topic isn't for texting. She reiterated that it's not me, and it's just our personalities don't match, and wished me the best. I told her that she has limited life experience and the fact she rushed into a decision proves it. She said she may be young, but knows what she wants. Went a little back and forth, and ended on a good note both wishing the best to each other.
    That's quite arrogant of you, OP. You don't know this girl's mind better than she does, simply because you are older. How presumptuous of you to assume that you somehow know better than she does. If you've made other insinuations similar to that, then that was probably what did it. If she had any doubts before, that comment probably confirmed for her that you two are not a match.

    My guess is that she went along with her friend's request to make contact with you, but just didn't feel enough of a connection to keep this up. Especially when you haven't met and evidently live very far apart, it's not a very viable prospect to begin with. She likely is more intrigued by life offline and would prefer to date a local guy.

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    You seriously told her she doesn't have enough life experience to know better?? Wow. Just because you think it, doesn't mean you have to say it out loud, but that right there is a quite a judgmental and disparaging opinion of her...why bother with someone so immature and ill-equipped to build her own life? Is your goal to meet someone young and pliable that you can mold into your version of a perfect woman to do your bidding?? I'm absolutely appalled by your statement. She did what a lot of people do and gave it a try, and at some point realized it's just not going to work and called it a day. It took her awhile to finally say it, but this shows maturity. A lot of men and women your age and older ghost, or they break up or break off the relationship...are they also too ill-equipped and immature to make these choices? She is certainly old enough to choose what type of man she wishes to maintain a relationship with. It doesn't mean you have to like the answer, and the fact that you are unhappy with the answer is in no way a reflection of her maturity or intelligence. Four months from now, if you had the opportunity to meet in person, maybe a party or social gathering, you had the potential to maybe grow something that can only be grown if you had the ability to be together in person, but after telling her she's emotionally stunted and too young to make decisions...I'm afraid you may have burned a bridge.

    I don't know what prompted her to determine you are not the one, but she did. Different life views? Different goals? Different opinions? Are you this judgmental all the time about everyone? Are you the smartest and most well-rounded individual everywhere in your life and say so? Something didn't click for her. End of story. This on top of the fact that you seem to be expecting some sort of dating relationship with someone you haven't met, who won't be back for four months. It was probably premature of your friend to try to do this "blind date" situation four months early, but at the end of the day, you both got excited about it, you both tried, and one person decided it's not what they want. I'm sorry your hopes got dashed. It hurts. I can't offer any reasons as to why other than your apparent attitude expressed in this post.

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    Guess she really invested time in getting to know you but felt like it just didn't match up to what she is looking for.

    It hasn't nothing to do with you. Sometimes things don't match up.

    She obviously made up her mind and saw you more as a friend. She probably didn't want to lead you on by having you come over to visit so she thought she should let you know before.

    Guess it was a blessing and you've saved money having to visit. Also saved getting more hurt from meeting up together too.

    Like you said it was left on a beautiful note. Wishing each other well.

    Sadly sometimes these things just don't work out.

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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    Well, the 7-years age difference might be a problem. How much do you have in common with her? Technically, you're a Millennial and she may identify with Gen Z, so your ideas and philosophies might not match. Also, you may have been communicating too much with her. After all, she couldn't see you until February and you were coming on pretty strong for a stranger and bothering her when she had family in town. And then the little argument you had at the end of the last phone call may have cinched things since you got testy with her.

    I think it's a case of too much too soon. She didn't want to date over the Internet.
    Agreed with the age different. I don't usually do this much of a gap but I tend to believe women are more mature than men. Your 23 year old would think like 25/26. I beleive we we had quite a bit in common. We enjoyed each other on the phone, especially the 2+ hour phone call. We poked fun at each other and we were just genuine. It's the next day or 2 after that call which I felt something changed.
    With regards to communicating to much, I actually paced myself very well. I made sure I don't over do it, and I don't ignore much.
    If she didn't want to date over the internet, she could've said so from the get-go, would've been easier.

    -

    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    That's quite arrogant of you, OP. You don't know this girl's mind better than she does, simply because you are older. How presumptuous of you to assume that you somehow know better than she does. If you've made other insinuations similar to that, then that was probably what did it. If she had any doubts before, that comment probably confirmed for her that you two are not a match.

    My guess is that she went along with her friend's request to make contact with you, but just didn't feel enough of a connection to keep this up. Especially when you haven't met and evidently live very far apart, it's not a very viable prospect to begin with. She likely is more intrigued by life offline and would prefer to date a local guy.
    As mentioned, I did not say it in a arrogant or condescending manner. Besides, I said that after she made up her mind. And no other presumptuous insinuations were made, as I'm not that guy. If anything, our long phone calls were pretty engaging and chatty. Enjoyed one another genuinely. She might've not felt a connection as you stated, but that's not the image she painted.

    -

    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    You seriously told her she doesn't have enough life experience to know better?? Wow. Just because you think it, doesn't mean you have to say it out loud, but that right there is a quite a judgmental and disparaging opinion of her...why bother with someone so immature and ill-equipped to build her own life? Is your goal to meet someone young and pliable that you can mold into your version of a perfect woman to do your bidding?? I'm absolutely appalled by your statement. She did what a lot of people do and gave it a try, and at some point realized it's just not going to work and called it a day.
    I didn't say/mean it an arrogant or condescending manner, which is why I hate texts and wanted a clean phone call to clarify things. But making a decision based on a phone and texts without meeting someone, what do you call that?
    My goal isn't to meet someone young. I'm actually against that age gap. But our mutual friend condoned it and I tend to believe women are more mature than men, so I said why not.

    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    It took her awhile to finally say it, but this shows maturity.
    If she really is mature, she should know a phone call in these topics accomplishes much more than text does, so we can talk this out maturely. Texts can be easily misconstrued.


    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    She is certainly old enough to choose what type of man she wishes to maintain a relationship with. It doesn't mean you have to like the answer, and the fact that you are unhappy with the answer is in no way a reflection of her maturity or intelligence. Four months from now, if you had the opportunity to meet in person, maybe a party or social gathering, you had the potential to maybe grow something that can only be grown if you had the ability to be together in person, but after telling her she's emotionally stunted and too young to make decisions...I'm afraid you may have burned a bridge.
    Again, I did not mean that she is young to make decisions. If anything I respect her decision. However, the way she arrived to that decision doesn't add up, especially after our numerous long phone calls that were fruitful, chatty and engaging. We enjoyed one another. How can someone make a decision without even meeting the person at least once? How were you able to know personalities don't match just by text and phone call

    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    I don't know what prompted her to determine you are not the one, but she did. Different life views? Different goals? Different opinions? Are you this judgmental all the time about everyone? Are you the smartest and most well-rounded individual everywhere in your life and say so? Something didn't click for her. End of story. This on top of the fact that you seem to be expecting some sort of dating relationship with someone you haven't met, who won't be back for four months. It was probably premature of your friend to try to do this "blind date" situation four months early, but at the end of the day, you both got excited about it, you both tried, and one person decided it's not what they want. I'm sorry your hopes got dashed. It hurts. I can't offer any reasons as to why other than your apparent attitude expressed in this post.
    I wasn't expecting a dating relationship. Was more of a get to know one another. Plus was going to see her end of November after my conference. And initially everything was sailing in the right direction, or at least that's the picture that she painted, given our calls, messages. We have extremely similar life views, if not a replica and very similar opinions. If she clearly told me how our personalities "don't match" I'd be perfectly fine, but to vaguely express let alone via text, it without backing it up, sorry but that's not mature. Communication is key.
    But, it is what it is.

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    Nothing went wrong. She told you she doesn't feel your compatible. That's not wrong.

    This is how it's supposed to work. You meet someone, assess the situation, make a decision. Most often the decision will be not to proceed. It is rare and uncommon to proceed.

    I told her that she has limited life experience and the fact she rushed into a decision proves it.
    I think this comment shows how limited your life experience is. When a woman dumps you, you take it gracefully like a man. You don't insult her judgement because you're a little stung. Sorry, but grow up.

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    Originally Posted by Sportster2005
    Nothing went wrong. She told you she doesn't feel your compatible. That's not wrong.

    This is how it's supposed to work. You meet someone, assess the situation, make a decision. Most often the decision will be not to proceed. It is rare and uncommon to proceed.


    I think this comment shows how limited your life experience is. When a woman dumps you, you take it gracefully like a man. You don't insult her judgement because you're a little stung. Sorry, but grow up.
    Exactly, you meet someone, we haven't even met. You can't make a decision without enough foundation.

    I respect her decision. I did not insult her judgment. But not having grounds or clarifying your decision indicates something about you as an individual. "Limited life experience" is not an insult unless you want it to be.

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    Unfortunately whoever set you up has meddling and not thinking straight. LDRs are very difficult. LDRs when you've never met are unrealistic. You can't "get the ball rolling" or build rapport through cyber-chatting. You build rapport and relationships In Person.

    So what went wrong was the friends' nutty idea to set this up. It was nothing personal and nothing you did. She was smart and very kind to be honest enough to pull the plug, realizing the whole made no sense.
    Originally Posted by lmasterz
    We haven't met because she's on a work trip now, and will be back February, but our mutual friend thought it'd be a good idea to get the ball rolling.
    Few hours later she texts and says that I'm a great guy but she believes our personalities don't work well with one another and she wishes me all the best.

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    Originally Posted by lmasterz
    With regards to communicating to much, I actually paced myself very well. I made sure I don't over do it, and I don't ignore much. .
    Well, you said you were messaging and speaking to her every other day. If I had a girl doing the same to me under the same circumstances where I wasn't going to meet her for several months and I didn't know her, I would think she's crazy or desperate or both. I would suggest that's the way she felt.

    Originally Posted by lmasterz
    If she didn't want to date over the internet, she could've said so from the get-go, would've been easier. .
    I don't think she knew she was dating over the Internet. Your friend was just suggesting that you could suggest meeting up with her next February when she was back home. I don't think he meant that you should do this full-court press over the Internet on her. And when she realized what you were doing, she did say no.

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