Two of my roommates are having sex and I don't know how to react

I am a female college student who is living co-ed this year in an apartment with me, one other girl, and two other boys. So, before we moved in, I told my female roommate, who I’ll refer to as “A” for easier reading, that I liked one of the boys we were living with, who I’ll refer to as “E.” I told her that I wasn’t going to pursue him for obvious reasons; instead, I said I just wanted to get to know him and become his friend throughout the year. A and I both agreed that hooking up with either of our male roommates was off limits.

Well, fast forward a few months and it turns out that A and E got drunk one night while alone at the apartment together and had sex. I knew something was strange when I came back to them acting weird so I asked if anything had happened between them, to which A denied. The very next night, I walked out in the living room to find them making out on the sofa. I quickly retreated to my room, feeling extremely awkward. A came in later and I asked her what was going on between the two of them. She finally confessed that they had had sex the other night but that it meant nothing. I was obviously extremely hurt, considering that she both lied to me and pursued E, even after I told her how I felt about him. She violated a boundary that we had both put in place before the start of the year, and that really upset me. Our other male roommate, who I’ll call “C,” also found out about what happened between E and A. He was upset about it too, considering that it made our living situation awkward in the aftermath of their hookup.

We decided to all talk about it as a group the next day. In this discussion, the two of them swore that it was just a drunken mistake and that it would never happen again. We also discussed how we would alleviate the awkwardness between all four of us, and the two of them claimed that it wouldn’t be awkward and that we could just go back to normal as if it didn’t happen. I talked with A privately, telling her that I wasn’t mad at her, but that I was just hurt, considering my feelings for E. She apologized profusely, claiming that it was just a mistake. I forgave her and just asked her to please not do it with him again, out of respect for me and my friendship with her. She agreed. I still distanced myself from the group for a few days, mainly to process the hurt I was feeling. But yesterday, we all hung out as a group again for the first time and started to feel like we were going back to normal. That is, until E and A started drinking again and getting visibly very touchy with each other, right in front of me. I don’t think they ended up having sex last night but I am almost certain that they will continue to do it in secret.

I’m feeling so helpless and lost right now. I don’t know what else I can do. I feel like A is completely disrespecting me by continuing to act like this towards E and I don’t even know how to react anymore. I’m so upset and I want to save our friendship but I’m just so hurt that I don’t know if I can continue to act normal. I would really appreciate some advice. What should I do? Thank you!

Firstly, you don't own "E". You were clear that you were not going to pursue him romantically, so she is free to do so.

That being said - i think its extremely tacky to be making out with a roommate in one's apartment with roommates present.

I agree with "C".

If it were me, i wouldn't do a co-ed apartment to begin with because if i want to be in my pajama pants and not wear a bra, i should do it free of worrying about men being present.

But since you are -- maybe you should make some ground rules -- or maybe move in with female roommates and get out of that mess.

This is an awkward situation. Unfortunately, they hit it off and have sexual chemistry. It would be best to make friends outside of your roommates and date guys who are not roommates. Join some groups, clubs, activities, sports and events on and around campus. It's best not to limit yourself to just these friends and certainly smart not to hookup with roommates.

Treat her more as a roommate/acquaintance than a best friend. Also you can't make a pact with someone about who has dibs on anyone nor dictate who they can date. All you can do is decide to expand your friendship circle and select a better dating pool than roommates. She is the one who will make her own mess. Just think of yourself as too smart to get sexual with roommates.

I talked with A privately, telling her that I wasn’t mad at her, but that I was just hurt, considering my feelings for E. I don’t think they ended up having sex last night but I am almost certain that they will continue to do it in secret.

Too much drama over nothing. Imo, you have blown this out of proportion. Sure, she broke the girl code but at the end of the day you and this guy were never together. This is just a lesson to go after whom you want in the future instead of making silly pacts. I do realise that it stings and that your ego is hurt but this guy was never yours to begin with. He chose her. That's a sign that he is not the one for you. You could stop focusing on them and focus on more interesting people. Go out. Make new friends. Have fun that does not involve them.

You can't be mad at A. E obviously had a thing for A. Maybe he came on to her very often. Who really knows.

They like each other now. I think the best thing is for A & E to move on. Hooking up isn't going to stop.

It's upsetting, I understand. But truth be told, E was never yours and even though you confessed your feelings for him to A, it still wasn't something she had to abide by.

THAT being said...

A is a jerk and is not your friend. Regardless if you had no dibs on him, she knew how you felt and should have respected that, she did not.

What I would do if I were you? Treat them strictly as roommates now, not as friends and if it get's to be too uncomfortable, move out.

I would be feeling awkward and hurt too if I were you.

With any luck the two of them will move in together in their own place and you'll not have to suffer through your jealousy, hurt, anger or feelings of betrayal any longer.

In the meantime, why not get yourself out there and meet a nice guy who doesn't live there with whom you can be intimate on the couch with and not worry anymore what ABCDE or Z are up to.

You're gonna be fine. Let it go.

Yeah, you can only control your own actions, you can't control other people's actions, so stop trying. But I agree it's tacky for roommates to be having sex with each other. You're kind of stuck until you can get out of the lease. Just keep your head down and try to stay out of it. This is a relationship of convenience. They might get tired of each other or find real boyfriends/girlfriends. But you'll just have to grin and bear it for now.

Sending hugs, girl.

They suck.

Sending hugs, girl.

 

They suck.

Agreed.

And for those who he wasn't hers to begin with. . agreed as well, but ~

I, for one would not hook up with a guy who my friend had a crush on. Not if I valued our friendship.

An exception might be that E and I were madly in love and I would talk to my friend first out of respect for our friendship.

But senseless, drunk hook ups for no apparent reason seems like a reckless thing to do to a friendship and anyone else under the same roof for that matter.

JMO

E and A don't need your guys' permission to hook up with one another. Awkward, yes, but you don't control either one of them and there is no guarantee that if A hadn't been with E that he would have had mutual chemistry with you and liked you regardless. I don't mean for that to sound hurtful because I understand that it feels like a betrayal. You never know, maybe A and/or E don't like other people that often so when they're presented with a situation where they do they choose to act on it. Not the smartest thing to do in a roommate situation but ultimately something you'll either have to live with or move out in order to avoid the discomfort. Getting in the way of their romance is just going to breed resentment on both sides and have them sneaking around, it's not going to make either of them have a come to Jesus moment. And if you really like him it may just be best for your mental health and peace of mind in your living situation to request a transfer out.

it's not going to make either of them have a come to Jesus moment

What's a Jesus moment?

I think the two that hooked up should be furious with you for having a roommate meeting regarding their private sex life. This is college, people have sex all the time. You can’t take it personally. And you sure as he|| don’t get to have a meeting to discuss whether it’s okay with everyone else or not. I’m shocked they tolerated that at all, actually.

You liked him, so that stings...but you’ve got to get over it and find someone else. Since you can’t trust A, I’d find some new girlfriends as well.

It's a very uncomfortable and embarrassing situation for you, but you either need to come to terms with the fact that they're in some sense together - or leave behind your friend and find somewhere else to live. What they do together is nobody's business but their own, and the fact that they were prepared to talk about it as a group suggests that actually in their own way they are respecting you. Some people would have told you to get lost and mind your own business.

It's tacky that it's taking place right in front of you - as it would be regardless of who they were - but sadly, although you thought you had an agreement with your friend, it's not something you can enforce in any way. And you have no say whatsoever over the guy involved. It hurts when we like someone and our feelings aren't returned, but learning to cope with that and shrugging it off is just part of life.

While you decide how to handle this, make sure you take care of yourself. Get out and about with people who make you feel good about yourself, do things which mean you can put all this firmly on the back burner.

(((HUGS)))

We decided to all talk about it as a group the next day. In this discussion, the two of them swore that it was just a drunken mistake and that it would never happen again. We also discussed how we would alleviate the awkwardness between all four of us,

Are you serious? You literally had a GROUP meeting about what two consenting adults did with their genitals behind closed doors?

Wow. Who does that? That’s mental.

If you are interested in someone then you have to make an initiative.

I'm in the camp "A&E can make their own decisions". You made it clear from the get go that you weren't going to initiate anything with E, so it's not like you two were getting close and A swooped in for the kill. She's free to make her own choices with whomever she wants. You are not her mother and you guys aren't a cult to be having meetings about everyone's sex life. That too me is crossing major boundaries.

You are being smart for not trying anything with a roommate, but it's not your place to make that decision for anyone else.

I agree with others when they say, it'd be best to treat everyone strictly as roommates and find friends outside of them. It's well within your rights to be bothered by full on make out sessions in your common living space, but what goes on behind closed doors is none of your business.

Are you serious? You literally had a GROUP meeting about what two consenting adults did with their genitals behind closed doors?

 

Wow. Who does that? That’s mental.

 

If you are interested in someone then you have to make an initiative.

The level of entitlement, intrusiveness, for for however much of it you may feel they displayed, disrespect that comes with shining such a spotlight on anyone's completely private and consensual sex life is dumbfounding.

You like someone. That's it. I understand bro-code or however you'd term the female equivalent, but this isn't a guy you're dating. It's not even a guy you've dated and broken up with. It would be one thing if you were to tell her you liked him and then she proceeded to slink into her room to draw up an elaborate scheme to bone him just in spite of you. But I don't at all think it's some betrayal or she's a bad person if the opportunity more or less fell on her lap. Chances are you "like" him for some number of reasons, any of which she could have liked him for just as long if not longer than you.

What's a Jesus moment?

A "come to Jesus moment" is an epiphany, a realization of a great magnitude, such as one might have if they came to accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior.

A "come to Jesus moment" is an epiphany, a realization of a great magnitude, such as one might have if they came to accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior.

Okay, thank you for clarifying.

I just want to say as well, no, A didn't have to abide by anything. And yes, they were consenting adults. But does anyone care to be decent human beings anymore?

First of all, A knew she liked him. That alone should be enough for her to stay away. Not because she had to, not because there were rules. But because she actually gives a damn and respects her friends feelings.

There are how many other men in this world, you're telling me she can't have self control and go and find one that won't cause hurt feelings towards her friend?

There are far too many selfish a$$holes in this world, there doesn't need to be more, or more people condoning jerks like this.

You know your friend likes someone, hands off so you don't hurt them or cause unnecessary drama...how hard it is??? Seriously?

Did she have to? No, but it's also not difficult to be a decent human being either.

And it DOES matter if they are all roommates and there were spoken rules about no one sleeping together. It makes logical sense.

Roommates sleeping together can get messy, awkward, weird, uncomfortable, etc.

You mean to tell me, they as grown adults cannot abide by those rules either?

I've been to college, I've had roommates males and females living together, honestly, it's not hard to keep your hands off each other and date others.

Come on people, you are looking the other way instead of seeing that it's the right thing to do for people to not only be responsible but to actually give a damn about their friend and not do crap that will cause hurt.

A is a college girl who drinks...how many others guys could she have had sex with?? I am guessing with her age and alcohol....loads.

She didn't need to venture where her friend respectfully asked her not to.

It's called friendship.

I think both of them are jerks. Backstabbing and being irresponsible is becoming far too common these days and even more with others saying it's fine.

It's not fine and it's not okay.

Agree. This is an interesting point.

I think the two that hooked up should be furious with you for having a roommate meeting regarding their private sex life.

You liked him, so that stings...but you’ve got to get over it and find someone else. Since you can’t trust A, I’d find some new girlfriends as well.

You had a crush on someone and verbally stated you weren't going to pursue, and be friends. And never once made a move.

It's only girl code if you plan to pursue or had dated or are dating.

The fact that A was willing to stay away, and trying, she's a good friend.

But you being a crappy friend because if E and A are happy, then give them your blessing.

Go find another dude you would deem appropriate to date.

I think the issue for me would not be that they were hooking up, but they were doing so loudly and blatantly and in the common areas of the apartment and they need the proverbially pounding of the broom handle to the ceiling to let them know that others can hear them. If that were the issue and not "dibs" i totally get that.

When you move into a co-ed, it makes no sense to believe that you can control the sex lives of any of its members. You confided in the GF, but that's not the same as staking a claim, which would have been of no value anyway, since the guy controls his own preferences.

Either roll with the flow and keep your eyes on your own paper, or move to another situation. Involving yourself in any way, shape or form won't buy you anything but a rep for being a control freak and unhappiness all the way around.

Head high, we all live and learn.