My first ever relationship is a LDR. Stressed and overthinking. Feel lost

Hey so I would like to hear people's opinion on this.

This is a long story so buckle up

I (20F) got my first boyfriend (20M) 3 months ago during the summer break from uni. Prior to our firat date we were talking every day, all day for 3 months.

We were first introduced through 2 of my closest guy friends (whom I regard as big brothers). They had been friends with him for years. It wasn't as if they were trying to set us up. They just invited me to an outing with some of their other friends.

I was interested in him when I saw him. He was handsome. He was not the type that I was usually into but I liked him. But I felt out of his league (low self esteem) and that there was no way he would be interested on me. Also I was worried what if something were to happen between us and then we broke up, what happens to my friendship with our mutual friends.

Forward a few months later he sends a text and I answer then he sends another and then we just didn't stop.

When summer holidays came and went back home from abroad (he studies at our home country) we planned to meet up for coffee.

I certainly didn't plan to sit there for almost 6 hours. It went well. We clicked. The conversation flowed nicely and we never seemed to run out of topics. I was happy.

So we planned our first date (where he confessed that he liked me and I told him that I liked him back) and then our second and third...

I was certain that I liked him and cared for him. I was happy with him. I knew I wanted to try for something more. While talking in one of our coffee dates he referred to me as his girlfriend. We had no previous talk of that other than that we both wanted to try for something more and not just a fling. I didn't mind. I expected that the label would come sooner or later.

One month later and I'm on cloud nine. I am in a relationship with a great guy. I would hope that everyone has a partner like him for their first relationship. He is attentive, he is kind, funny and respects me and doesn't push me to do anything (since while I am inexpirienced.. he is not)

Our last day together before flying back to uni he told me that he loved me. I couldn't. I told him that I cared for him and liked him a great lot and that he means a lot to me. But I cannot say that yet. He was understanding.

He insisted that the months that we spent together where a great foundation for our relationship... not being experience in such stuff I agreed

Now... I'm filled with worry and guilt.

I made it clear from the very begining taht mybstudies are my top priority in life right now. I am in a difficult year at uni. Basically I failed some of my 2nd year exams and I am taking an intermediate year in order to pass them. Which means the pressure and stress are enormous.

In the first months we called and video called almost every day. But then exam dates started approaching and I couldn't find the time. I would always tell him I have only 10 or 20 minutes to spare but our converaations would span from 1 to even 2 hours. We still text throughout the day extensively.

Before long I told him that I couldn't do calls for now. The final time we talked through video call was when I told him that I had 20 minutes. I don't go to uni or go out of the house a lot aside from grocery shopping and the like so my routine is the same. So I never have a lot to say anymore. But he told me about his day and I liked hearing about it. Until I saw the clock and saw the minutes ticking by.. it already hit the 45 minute mark. He would finish up a topic and I would get ready to excuse myself to go back to studying but he would always start expanding and adding and rambling and I would start getting annoyed. And I hated that I got annoyed. And guilty....

That call was the first disagreement we had. Cause a few days before I was in a bad mood. And when I am like that I prefer to close up in my safety bubble and let the storm pass. I keep conversations to a minimum cause I know I can be snappy. I let him know in advance that these things sometimes happen. So when I told him that I would excuse myself for the night and turn off my phone he called me and I ignored it. He texted to call him back and tell him what was wrong. I told him nothing was wrong. I just wasnt in a talking mood and would prefer to call him tomorrow. Three times I told him i didnt want to talk and three times he told me to call him. The third time was by guilt tripping him and told me "not to do that to him"... so I yielded and called him. And before that, i texted him that this is the first and last time I will yield in this.

When we discussed this incident he told me that he was worried and thats why he was insistent. That he wouldnt force me to call him. I told him i was pissed off and sad cause i felt he did not respect my request to be left alone and although i would try to see his point of view he had to see mine as well. We ended the discussion by me telling him that next time i wont answer and that he had to promise not to force me to, and he told me that he wouldnt promise such a thing.

Now my exams are a breath away. And stress is killing me( a week ago i had tachicardias and my chest hurt and it hurt to breathe)

I have hardly the time to think of anything else. We still text daily. Sometimes his texts though will start to annoy me when they go on for too long. They usually come at times when I am concentrating or taking a break. And I feel bad for being annoyed.

Getting focused on studying the past few week has been a pain cause my mind keeps overthinking what if I am getting off the high of the relationship? He told me many times that he misses me. And frankly I never felt that terrible gushing feeling of emptiness of being alone without him. Frankly I am a person that enjoys my solitute and as an introvert I can get my social fix from texts.

And I cant recall having such strong emotions about missing someone, aside from my parents that Im very close to, usually whenever I am stressed and overwhelmed.

And I felt guilty that I didnt miss him.

And then I started thinking. What do I want from this relationship? I know i care for him and am happy with him. I know that I want this relationship to last as much as possible.... but I cant see myself in 10 years and still be with him. I cant picture the distant future with him. I dont think right now that he is the one to end all etc.

I started worring. Why am I feeling like this? He is a great guy. Is it because of stress from my exams? Is it because I am losing interest? Is it because i am young and inexpirienced? Do I have commitment issues? Will my feelings get clearer when I go back home and see him again?

And if and when we break up.... what happens to our mutual friends.

Right now I feel more scared of losing them than losing him. (One of them was not very excited when we rold him we were dating. Cause he worried of what happens if something goes wrong... he just told us that so long as we both respect each other and one doea not hurt puprosefully the other person eg cheat, he will be okay with it. But I still worry.) And I feel bad for feeling like this...

I realised that maybe barely 2 months of dating was not enough a foundation as he claimed it was.

I decided for myself that so long as I am happy in this relationship there is no reason to end it. But when I start being unhappy then it will be unfair for the both of us to keep it going.

Any thoughts for me? Relationships are harder that I thought they would be. And I never though LDRs would be so complicated. I am lost and scared, and anxious. I feel so many things at once and I am confused.

Hey so I would like to hear people's opinion on this.

This is a long story so buckle up

 

 

I (20F) got my first boyfriend (20M) 3 months ago during the summer break from uni. Prior to our firat date we were talking every day, all day for 3 months.

 

We were first introduced through 2 of my closest guy friends (whom I regard as big brothers). They had been friends with him for years. It wasn't as if they were trying to set us up. They just invited me to an outing with some of their other friends.

 

I was interested in him when I saw him. He was handsome. He was not the type that I was usually into but I liked him. But I felt out of his league (low self esteem) and that there was no way he would be interested on me. Also I was worried what if something were to happen between us and then we broke up, what happens to my friendship with our mutual friends.

 

Forward a few months later he sends a text and I answer then he sends another and then we just didn't stop.

 

When summer holidays came and went back home from abroad (he studies at our home country) we planned to meet up for coffee.

I certainly didn't plan to sit there for almost 6 hours. It went well. We clicked. The conversation flowed nicely and we never seemed to run out of topics. I was happy.

 

So we planned our first date (where he confessed that he liked me and I told him that I liked him back) and then our second and third...

 

I was certain that I liked him and cared for him. I was happy with him. I knew I wanted to try for something more. While talking in one of our coffee dates he referred to me as his girlfriend. We had no previous talk of that other than that we both wanted to try for something more and not just a fling. I didn't mind. I expected that the label would come sooner or later.

 

One month later and I'm on cloud nine. I am in a relationship with a great guy. I would hope that everyone has a partner like him for their first relationship. He is attentive, he is kind, funny and respects me and doesn't push me to do anything (since while I am inexpirienced.. he is not)

 

Our last day together before flying back to uni he told me that he loved me. I couldn't. I told him that I cared for him and liked him a great lot and that he means a lot to me. But I cannot say that yet. He was understanding.

 

He insisted that the months that we spent together where a great foundation for our relationship... not being experience in such stuff I agreed

 

Now... I'm filled with worry and guilt.

I made it clear from the very begining taht mybstudies are my top priority in life right now. I am in a difficult year at uni. Basically I failed some of my 2nd year exams and I am taking an intermediate year in order to pass them. Which means the pressure and stress are enormous.

In the first months we called and video called almost every day. But then exam dates started approaching and I couldn't find the time. I would always tell him I have only 10 or 20 minutes to spare but our converaations would span from 1 to even 2 hours. We still text throughout the day extensively.

 

Before long I told him that I couldn't do calls for now. The final time we talked through video call was when I told him that I had 20 minutes. I don't go to uni or go out of the house a lot aside from grocery shopping and the like so my routine is the same. So I never have a lot to say anymore. But he told me about his day and I liked hearing about it. Until I saw the clock and saw the minutes ticking by.. it already hit the 45 minute mark. He would finish up a topic and I would get ready to excuse myself to go back to studying but he would always start expanding and adding and rambling and I would start getting annoyed. And I hated that I got annoyed. And guilty....

 

That call was the first disagreement we had. Cause a few days before I was in a bad mood. And when I am like that I prefer to close up in my safety bubble and let the storm pass. I keep conversations to a minimum cause I know I can be snappy. I let him know in advance that these things sometimes happen. So when I told him that I would excuse myself for the night and turn off my phone he called me and I ignored it. He texted to call him back and tell him what was wrong. I told him nothing was wrong. I just wasnt in a talking mood and would prefer to call him tomorrow. Three times I told him i didnt want to talk and three times he told me to call him. The third time was by guilt tripping him and told me "not to do that to him"... so I yielded and called him. And before that, i texted him that this is the first and last time I will yield in this.

 

When we discussed this incident he told me that he was worried and thats why he was insistent. That he wouldnt force me to call him. I told him i was pissed off and sad cause i felt he did not respect my request to be left alone and although i would try to see his point of view he had to see mine as well. We ended the discussion by me telling him that next time i wont answer and that he had to promise not to force me to, and he told me that he wouldnt promise such a thing.

 

 

Now my exams are a breath away. And stress is killing me( a week ago i had tachicardias and my chest hurt and it hurt to breathe)

 

I have hardly the time to think of anything else. We still text daily. Sometimes his texts though will start to annoy me when they go on for too long. They usually come at times when I am concentrating or taking a break. And I feel bad for being annoyed.

 

Getting focused on studying the past few week has been a pain cause my mind keeps overthinking what if I am getting off the high of the relationship? He told me many times that he misses me. And frankly I never felt that terrible gushing feeling of emptiness of being alone without him. Frankly I am a person that enjoys my solitute and as an introvert I can get my social fix from texts.

 

And I cant recall having such strong emotions about missing someone, aside from my parents that Im very close to, usually whenever I am stressed and overwhelmed.

 

And I felt guilty that I didnt miss him.

And then I started thinking. What do I want from this relationship? I know i care for him and am happy with him. I know that I want this relationship to last as much as possible.... but I cant see myself in 10 years and still be with him. I cant picture the distant future with him. I dont think right now that he is the one to end all etc.

I started worring. Why am I feeling like this? He is a great guy. Is it because of stress from my exams? Is it because I am losing interest? Is it because i am young and inexpirienced? Do I have commitment issues? Will my feelings get clearer when I go back home and see him again?

 

And if and when we break up.... what happens to our mutual friends.

Right now I feel more scared of losing them than losing him. (One of them was not very excited when we rold him we were dating. Cause he worried of what happens if something goes wrong... he just told us that so long as we both respect each other and one doea not hurt puprosefully the other person eg cheat, he will be okay with it. But I still worry.) And I feel bad for feeling like this...

 

 

I realised that maybe barely 2 months of dating was not enough a foundation as he claimed it was.

 

I decided for myself that so long as I am happy in this relationship there is no reason to end it. But when I start being unhappy then it will be unfair for the both of us to keep it going.

 

 

 

Any thoughts for me? Relationships are harder that I thought they would be. And I never though LDRs would be so complicated. I am lost and scared, and anxious. I feel so many things at once and I am confused.

He doesn't respect your boundaries about minimal texting, and doesn't care that it's totally thwarting your goals. A partner should make your life easier, not harder. Never make a relationship decision based on what others will think. If your friendship is strong, it will withstand you breaking up with a guy you dated a mere 3 months. If he ends your friendship, he's not a friend.

You don't see this guy as someone longterm, so it's best to end it now. He's clingy and needy and only cares about his own needs, not yours. Good luck on your coursework. Block his number after you breakup so you can focus on what's important, and tell your friends you don't want to hear any news of him or what he's saying about you.

Yeah, he's smothering you! That's why you're having all these conflicting feelings. The guy is literally smothering you. And when that happens, it's usually accompanied by jealousy and attempting to control you by using guilt and conflict. Again, this is why you're experiencing anxiety attacks. And he's squeezing you and causing you stress at the exact same time you need his support and understanding.

I think the original feeling you had about him being a nice guy has cracked, and now you're being emotionally abused. Abusers usually start off very charming, and they go overboard, telling people they love them very quickly to rope them in. And then they start turning the screw to manipulate you into doing things you don't want to do and to isolate you from your friends by monopolizing all your time with the endless texting and Face-timing. And part of the syndrome is making you feel like you're hurting him instead of the other way around.

Anyway, don't worry about your mutual friends. You just say things didn't work out. You can tell people he went a little crazy, and that will explain any behavior on his part like saying anything against you.

So the bottom line is you're not going to get anything accomplished if you don't get rid of this guy. You've got to go No Contact. Tell him you'll see him at Christmas and then block him, delete him and erase him for the rest of the semester. You haven't been boyfriend/girlfriend for very long. You don't owe him anything. It's time to concentrate on your courses.