Initiation + Disagreements in LTR

Hey eNA,

I’ve been dating an amazing girl for just over a year now and I can honestly say it’s incredible. We’re honest with each other, communicate well, our families get along and we have physical chemistry. We can be lovey-dovey but also firm to get our voices heard. There are just a couple issues (that I’m not even sure if they are issues or if I’m overreacting) that are starting to arise:

1. Initiation: She typically only initiates sex when she’s drunk or the morning after drinking. Also, she’s stopped sending sultry pics despite requesting them from me. I know she’s hesitant about “revenge porn” and feels uncomfortable taking them, buuuut she sent them (on her own accord!) when we first starting dating—so what gives now?! It’s delicate because I don’t want to ask/demand she initiate or send more, but I want her to know how I feel. The last thing I want is for reluctant initiation or resentful sexy photos. I think her love language is “physical touch” but in the form of cuddling/tickling/hand holding while I’m more of a “words of affirmation” type hence why I like initiation and pics as an affirmation she’s (still) into me. She’s admitted to being selfish in bed and recently asked if I’d leave her because she “does nothing to me” and I “do all the work” so she’s aware of it.

2. Disagreements: Whenever we disagree I tend to overreact – to myself, not to her – and think she’s losing interest. I have a history of skepticism (see my other threads) and because this is going so well I’m cynical and expect it to falter. Four days ago I was searching these forums and googling “I think my gf loves me too much” because she was borderline smothering. Then, a simple disagreement about a phone call timing and now I’m concerned she’s losing interest, I’m over-analyzing our interactions and having anxious/negative thoughts.

So, is any of this alarming? Should we expect a diminishment in desire a year+ into the relationship and I’m just overreacting? Anyone ever been with an admitted selfish lover? Should I keep reminding myself she says “I love you” every night so a simple disagreement won’t change that?

Have at it, eNA!

Are you okay with the fact that she's a self proclaimed "selfish lover?" I'd be concerned that she admits it but does nothing to remedy. That is alarming. Having the odd argument isn't anything to be alarmed about (IMO) though.

I’m fine with it…for now. I’m just perplexed by how readily she gave out pics and how high her sex drive was a year ago. To be clear, I’ve never made an issue out of any of this, it just dawned on me recently when she declined a FaceTime sesh while working in a remote northern town.

As for the disagreements, I should’ve clarified that it’s my (over) reaction to the disagreements that’s bothersome.

So are you talking about having sex over the Internet or for real? You said your girlfriend is away on a contract job. Just trying to figure out what the situation is here. How long has she been away? How long have you actually dated her in person? She just may be tired of trying to date over the Internet. You know, how many nude pictures can you send over the Internet until it becomes boring? LDRs only work when people have set a foundation for that relationship in the real world, and the LDR is a placeholder to sort of keep everything in place until the partners reunite. If you've only known her for a few months and then she went away on a job, LDRs start deteriorating quickly. You can't really build a relationship over the Internet. And after about a year, people long for physical company that the Internet just can't provide. So what's the real details here?

Haha okay I should’ve been a lot clearer—my bad.

We’re dating in person but she does outpost nursing in remote areas. A week here. 10 days there. So I’m referring to both in person and the odd FaceTime sesh when she’s away.

 

1. Initiation: She typically only initiates sex when she’s drunk or the morning after drinking. Also, she’s stopped sending sultry pics despite requesting them from me. I know she’s hesitant about “revenge porn” and feels uncomfortable taking them, buuuut she sent them (on her own accord!) when we first starting dating—so what gives now?!

 

So, is any of this alarming? Should we expect a diminishment in desire a year+ into the relationship and I’m just overreacting?

Hey Goodfellas, I am wondering when she started pulling back on sending the sultry pics and the cyber sex. Was it prior to her being molested or after?

If it was after, could it be possible that her being molested has something to do with it? A sort of discomfort with exposing herself sexually, especially over the internet, and also in person since she can only initiate when drunk?

As I said in your other thread, the molestation may have affected her in ways that she may not even realize, but shows itself in situations like this, when you request the sultry photos and sex.

I think a slight shift at one year is pretty predictable and you should anticipate it so you're not overanalyzing it like you are now.

It does sound as if you need to reign in the 'what ifs' and appreciate what you have.

As far as the being selfish sexually. You say you're ok with it now. Will you still be ok with it a year from now?

It's not uncommon for a man to enjoy doing alot of accomadating in bed, but be honest with yourself if you're hoping things will change

Well, about initiating sex, one of the big complaints men have is that their girls don't initiate sex. The guys will initiate it 50 times for every once or twice their girl initiates it. She may be falling into that routine of waiting for you. Also birth control pills can decrease a women's libido. My wife is actually angry the doctor never told her about that side effect, and she got her second wind when she got off them. As for the sexy pictures, she may feel that sending nudes doesn't interest her that much.

With the disagreements, that's a little more worrisome. You might be too clingy or she might be too demanding. You were worried that she might have gotten drunk and cheated on you a few months ago during her mountain climbing trip. Are you getting jealous and possessive? That can trigger negativity and anger in both of you. You might need to just unconditionally trust her and ignore any impulse to think otherwise. Most women are pretty loyal to their boyfriends.

It sounds like you are feeling vulnerable and a bit insecure right now about the stability of the relationship.

It would be totally understandable if some of that is being stoked by her lack of initiation when it comes to sex and her expressing an understanding that she's a selfish lover but with no follow up message or action that it is something she sees of her own accord as something worth putting more effort into. The initiating sex only when drunk would concern me as well.

Everyone wants to feel desired by their partner. And I think it's rather normal to feel a bit rattled when a partner decreases or doesn't initiate sex. That goes for either gender!

Perhaps you tell her what you told us here. You are crazy about her, are fully in and see this relationship going the distance. And at the the same time, you miss and it's important to you to feel desired by her. Tell her in concrete terms what you need. Let her know you aren't expecting anything overnight and you want to understand where she is coming from, what is going on with her.

It could be a convo that brings you even closer. I know if my partner came to me with something like this, my ears would perk up. I value him and our relationship, and it'd make me sad if he were feeling this way, I'd want to make adjustments so we both felt our needs were getting met.

It's better not to let these things fester and be bottled up as then it can come out in unpredictable ways and new problems can compound onto the original.

Hey Goodfellas, I am wondering when she started pulling back on sending the sultry pics and the cyber sex. Was it prior to her being molested or after?

 

If it was after, could it be possible that her being molested has something to do with it? A sort of discomfort with exposing herself sexually, especially over the internet, and also in person since she can only initiate when drunk?

 

As I said in your other thread, the molestation may have affected her in ways that she may not even realize, but shows itself in situations like this, when you request the sultry photos and sex.

The groping incident happened before I met her so I've never known her as a non-victim. Good theory, though she was still forthright with pics when we first started dating.

I think a slight shift at one year is pretty predictable and you should anticipate it so you're not overanalyzing it like you are now.

 

It does sound as if you need to reign in the 'what ifs' and appreciate what you have.

I agree with everything here, I'm just an alarmist and the first time she declined because "she didn't want to use data" I started over-analyzing. She's incredible and I don't want to f$*@ this up due to my skewed perceptions.

It sounds like you are feeling vulnerable and a bit insecure right now about the stability of the relationship.

It would be totally understandable if some of that is being stoked by her lack of initiation when it comes to sex and her expressing an understanding that she's a selfish lover but with no follow up message or action that it is something she sees of her own accord as something worth putting more effort into. The initiating sex only when drunk would concern me as well.

 

Everyone wants to feel desired by their partner. And I think it's rather normal to feel a bit rattled when a partner decreases or doesn't initiate sex. That goes for either gender!

 

Perhaps you tell her what you told us here. You are crazy about her, are fully in and see this relationship going the distance. And at the the same time, you miss and it's important to you to feel desired by her. Tell her in concrete terms what you need. Let her know you aren't expecting anything overnight and you want to understand where she is coming from, what is going on with her.

 

It could be a convo that brings you even closer. I know if my partner came to me with something like this, my ears would perk up. I value him and our relationship, and it'd make me sad if he were feeling this way, I'd want to make adjustments so we both felt our needs were getting met.

 

It's better not to let these things fester and be bottled up as then it can come out in unpredictable ways and new problems can compound onto the original.

Solid advice, itsallgrand! It's a touchy subject because I'd hate to come off as needy or force her into something she's uncomfortable with, but I also want her to know how I feel. I'll likely go with that bold part above. We have a hiking/camping weekend planned this weekend and I'll gauge it afterwards. To be clear, she's affectionate with me as she's very cuddly and touchy, but the desire has waned a bit.

EDIT: She's not selfish in an "as long as I get off who cares about you!" way, it's more about loving to receive more than give but she still cares that I'm...satisfied, y'know?

The groping incident happened before I met her so I've never known her as a non-victim. Good theory, though she was still forthright with pics when we first started dating.

 

 

 

I agree with everything here, I'm just an alarmist and the first time she declined because "she didn't want to use data" I started over-analyzing. She's incredible and I don't want to f$*@ this up due to my skewed perceptions.

 

 

 

Solid advice, itsallgrand! It's a touchy subject because I'd hate to come off as needy or force her into something she's uncomfortable with, but I also want her to know how I feel. I'll likely go with that bold part above. We have a hiking/camping weekend planned this weekend and I'll gauge it afterwards. To be clear, she's affectionate with me as she's very cuddly and touchy, but the desire has waned a bit.

 

EDIT: She's not selfish in an "as long as I get off who cares about you!" way, it's more about loving to receive more than give but she still cares that I'm...satisfied, y'know?

It's actually normal and you should anticipate some changes and a sort of leveling off in a relationship. I do think you need to work on not only the over thinking, but also reacting to any change as negative or even catastrophic. Most of the time change is just change and a normal part of life.

As for your feelings, honestly, I think you need to tame them in regards to asking her for pics or connecting that with love and attention in your mind. You'll find that many if not most women will categorically refuse to participate and even if they do at first, there comes a point of enough is enough. Sounds to me like she is reaching that.

If you don't want to mess this up, then you need get a better hold on your emotions and anxieties. Dealing with a partner who will react to every little thing, every change is not only exhausting, but downright punishing to the partner and destroys relationships. Basically, this is your issue to get a grip on, not only for the sake of this relationship, but for your own well being.

She may have been invested in the sexy pics at the start because she may have believed that they were necessary in order to 'get' you. However, you're aware of her history of having been violated and can likely consider how hindsight may have her feeling insecure about her privacy.

Most of us have made the mistake of indulging first, then questioning later.

DancingFeel: you've hit me right in the feels with logic and accurate assessment of me. My problem has been when I sense a diminishment I make a mountain out of a molehill and start to believe a loss of interest is happening. I catastrophize things, which I get from my momma. What's worse is when I start acting on these perceptions and become this unrecognizable, unconfident person my partner didn't fall in love with. I need to nip this in the bud yesterday before I lose a fantastic girl and I'm back here posting about "what went wrong?!"

catfeeder: I get that, it definitely makes sense. She likely did it to court and keep my attention. Now that she has my full attention (and heart) they've all but stopped and I'm making something out of nothing, really.

DancingFeel: you've hit me right in the feels with logic and accurate assessment of me. My problem has been when I sense a diminishment I make a mountain out of a molehill and start to believe a loss of interest is happening. I catastrophize things, which I get from my momma. What's worse is when I start acting on these perceptions and become this unrecognizable, unconfident person my partner didn't fall in love with. I need to nip this in the bud yesterday before I lose a fantastic girl and I'm back here posting about "what went wrong?!"

 

catfeeder: I get that, it definitely makes sense. She likely did it to court and keep my attention. Now that she has my full attention (and heart) they've all but stopped and I'm making something out of nothing, really.

Nobody really has the stamina to keep up courtship behavior. It's not a slight for someone to love you enough to feel comfortable with you.

I understand the angle DancingFool and Catfeeder are coming from, and it's worth considering. Things do mellow out some and change. Can't be going into worry mode over every little thing.

But I can honestly say for me a lack of initiation unless drunk would be worth talking about.

I understand the angle DancingFool and Catfeeder are coming from, and it's worth considering. Things do mellow out some and change. Can't be going into worry mode over every little thing.

 

But I can honestly say for me a lack of initiation unless drunk would be worth talking about.

Yes, the lack of initiation isn't about settling into comfort, it's either settling into apathy OR an overall discomfort with sex that's only relieved whenever alcohol removes her inhibitions.