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Thread: Getting over the physical side of a relationship

  1. #1
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    Getting over the physical side of a relationship

    For those of you who don't know, I dated a guy really briefly for a month. We never officially put a label on anything but we were never seeing anyone else at the time. Anyways, that's over now, if you want the full story you can see my other posts. We're on good terms which is nice. We split almost 2 weeks ago now and I really miss him, but I'm learning to cope. But to the point of this post, while we moved really slow in the label department of our relationship, we moved pretty fast in the physical part. I have been in two serious long term relationships before, and never, ever, have I felt such emotion and passion being intimate with someone. And I'm really missing that physical intimacy and the emotion that came with it right now. How do you move on from that? It's honestly such a heavy and sad feeling and I think it's part of why I'm having such a hard time moving on.

    *note: I am not a rebound kind of girl, it always makes me feel worse. I'm usually not a hookup kind of person, which is why it surprised me I was so willing and eager to move at such a fast pace with him but to me there was something about him.... I don't know how to describe it.

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    Hope, I strongly suggest that you speak to a counselor about your attachment issues.

    I do not recommend that you continue contact with this guy, as it prevents you from moving on. I also suggest keeping very busy with friends and new activities.

    Stop fixating on this guy. You dated him for a minute.

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    Yeah, the guy is just looking for girls to sleep with. Even the awkward, nerdy guys who are Christian do it. The problem is that you're much too sensitive to move that quickly. A lot of girls equate sex with love, but guys separate the two. He liked you enough to sleep with you, but for him it wasn't love, it was just sex. He might have split when he felt you were getting too needy or too serious. You've got to try to get over it and make sure you take your time in the future to get to know a guy before getting physically involved. Otherwise, you've just got to tough it out. Break-ups hurt. We've all been hurt.

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    Hi Hope,

    I think this image you had of him made you feel more emotionally connected, which made your more intimate moments with him that much more enjoyable.

    As time went on, you began to see his true colours; hence why you're no longer together.

    Sure, maybe those moments of intimacy that you two shared were enjoyable and passionate, but that's before you got to know the REAL guy.

    You're idealizing the moments you shared with this guy because you barely knew him and before you got to really know him and his flaws, you filled-in any unknowns of who you thought he was with your own image of him, not the person he actually is.

    You will feel this way again with someone else, but you have to accept that he isn't who you thought he was and let go.

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    So I wouldn't think of it as the "physical side" -it's not just physical, emotions are involved. You chose to move faster than typical sexually - and I would be careful about "something about him" because now you know you get very attached by having sex and you might be tempted to use that excuse or something like it "it just happened" "we just clicked" etc. I don't think that most men look for someone just to have sex with - and think men who have religious values likely wouldn't just have sex to have sex (and I mean religious values of a certain type and not just because they label themselves as a particular religion or claim to be religious -I mean they live their life in accordance with those values on a daily basis). Certain men and women enjoy having sex to have sex. That doesn't mean they are using anyone. Using someone involves deception or forcing the other person to have sex. Adults who enjoy casual sex or one night stands or flings should do it as long as both people are consenting.

    I don't think you're too sensitive to move that quickly. I simply think you get emotionally attached through sex. Just be careful about the excuses you may make in the future. I'm sorry things didn't work out. I think you made assumptions about him based on his social skills/awkwardness and assumed you'd kind of have the upper hand.

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    Try not to label yourself with "I'm not the type to...". Accept you are human. Life is dynamic, not static. There will be many firsts. You had great chemistry. That can happen. And will happen again. Dating again is not "rebound", it's moving on when a brief dating situation didn't pan out.
    Originally Posted by hope19
    I am not a rebound kind of girl.

    I'm usually not a hookup kind of person,

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Try not to label yourself with "I'm not the type to...". Accept you are human. Life is dynamic, not static. There will be many firsts. You had great chemistry. That can happen. And will happen again. Dating again is not "rebound", it's moving on when a brief dating situation didn't pan out.
    I have to disagree with this. I think if she is a person who almost never has sex that early on then she is not the "type" or "sort of person" at that point to behave in that way. It's her way of knowing herself. It gives her a starting point from which to analyze her actions and make choices. People can change of course but it's rarer to change a value of not having sex right away and to become a person who instead values having sex when the person feels like it without any or as much regard to who her partner is and their relationship, future, etc. Both values are fine. The former is not her value system right now.

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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Hope, I strongly suggest that you speak to a counselor about your attachment issues.

    I do not recommend that you continue contact with this guy, as it prevents you from moving on. I also suggest keeping very busy with friends and new activities.

    Stop fixating on this guy. You dated him for a minute.
    I am talking to a counselor and have been, I know a lot of this is more me than him. I've been keeping really busy with clubs, friends and classes but as soon as I'm alone my thoughts drift to him.

    He and I are not in contact or talking, we just decided to end things on a good/mature note. The only time we speak is in passing. For example just now walking back from class he walked by and gave me a big smile and said what's up, I did not initiate that but wasn't going to ignore him so I smiled back and said hey.

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    Thank you everyone for the responses, I absolutely do attach sex with emotions so my mistake was getting intimate with him before I really knew him and therefore assuming he felt just as strongly about me. Guess I was wrong, or he got scared, honestly I have no clue and there's no way to find out so I just need to stop looking for answers and move on, something I'm working on.

  11. #10
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    Here is a non-romantic, logical reason why you are having this longing and missing the sexual intimacy that you found so intense with this particular guy: I think why you are missing the sexual intimacy so much and feel that it was the most intense with your ex is because you broke up in the "new relationship energy" phase when the chemistry between the two of you is it's most strong. This kind of rush always wanes with consistent time together. Now that you're no longer seeing him, you are going through the withdrawl from the oxytocin (amongst other feel good chemicals/hormones) release which is what bonds us to our sexual partner. Pheromones also play a role in how we connect to the other.

    Rest assured that this longing will pass in time. Do your best to change the subject of all things him to something else when he pops into your head.

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