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Getting over the physical side of a relationship


hope19

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For those of you who don't know, I dated a guy really briefly for a month. We never officially put a label on anything but we were never seeing anyone else at the time. Anyways, that's over now, if you want the full story you can see my other posts. We're on good terms which is nice. We split almost 2 weeks ago now and I really miss him, but I'm learning to cope. But to the point of this post, while we moved really slow in the label department of our relationship, we moved pretty fast in the physical part. I have been in two serious long term relationships before, and never, ever, have I felt such emotion and passion being intimate with someone. And I'm really missing that physical intimacy and the emotion that came with it right now. How do you move on from that? It's honestly such a heavy and sad feeling and I think it's part of why I'm having such a hard time moving on.

 

*note: I am not a rebound kind of girl, it always makes me feel worse. I'm usually not a hookup kind of person, which is why it surprised me I was so willing and eager to move at such a fast pace with him but to me there was something about him.... I don't know how to describe it.

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Hope, I strongly suggest that you speak to a counselor about your attachment issues.

 

I do not recommend that you continue contact with this guy, as it prevents you from moving on. I also suggest keeping very busy with friends and new activities.

 

Stop fixating on this guy. You dated him for a minute.

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Yeah, the guy is just looking for girls to sleep with. Even the awkward, nerdy guys who are Christian do it. The problem is that you're much too sensitive to move that quickly. A lot of girls equate sex with love, but guys separate the two. He liked you enough to sleep with you, but for him it wasn't love, it was just sex. He might have split when he felt you were getting too needy or too serious. You've got to try to get over it and make sure you take your time in the future to get to know a guy before getting physically involved. Otherwise, you've just got to tough it out. Break-ups hurt. We've all been hurt.

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Hi Hope,

 

I think this image you had of him made you feel more emotionally connected, which made your more intimate moments with him that much more enjoyable.

 

As time went on, you began to see his true colours; hence why you're no longer together.

 

Sure, maybe those moments of intimacy that you two shared were enjoyable and passionate, but that's before you got to know the REAL guy.

 

You're idealizing the moments you shared with this guy because you barely knew him and before you got to really know him and his flaws, you filled-in any unknowns of who you thought he was with your own image of him, not the person he actually is.

 

You will feel this way again with someone else, but you have to accept that he isn't who you thought he was and let go.

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So I wouldn't think of it as the "physical side" -it's not just physical, emotions are involved. You chose to move faster than typical sexually - and I would be careful about "something about him" because now you know you get very attached by having sex and you might be tempted to use that excuse or something like it "it just happened" "we just clicked" etc. I don't think that most men look for someone just to have sex with - and think men who have religious values likely wouldn't just have sex to have sex (and I mean religious values of a certain type and not just because they label themselves as a particular religion or claim to be religious -I mean they live their life in accordance with those values on a daily basis). Certain men and women enjoy having sex to have sex. That doesn't mean they are using anyone. Using someone involves deception or forcing the other person to have sex. Adults who enjoy casual sex or one night stands or flings should do it as long as both people are consenting.

 

I don't think you're too sensitive to move that quickly. I simply think you get emotionally attached through sex. Just be careful about the excuses you may make in the future. I'm sorry things didn't work out. I think you made assumptions about him based on his social skills/awkwardness and assumed you'd kind of have the upper hand.

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Try not to label yourself with "I'm not the type to...". Accept you are human. Life is dynamic, not static. There will be many firsts. You had great chemistry. That can happen. And will happen again. Dating again is not "rebound", it's moving on when a brief dating situation didn't pan out.

I am not a rebound kind of girl.

 

I'm usually not a hookup kind of person,

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Try not to label yourself with "I'm not the type to...". Accept you are human. Life is dynamic, not static. There will be many firsts. You had great chemistry. That can happen. And will happen again. Dating again is not "rebound", it's moving on when a brief dating situation didn't pan out.

 

I have to disagree with this. I think if she is a person who almost never has sex that early on then she is not the "type" or "sort of person" at that point to behave in that way. It's her way of knowing herself. It gives her a starting point from which to analyze her actions and make choices. People can change of course but it's rarer to change a value of not having sex right away and to become a person who instead values having sex when the person feels like it without any or as much regard to who her partner is and their relationship, future, etc. Both values are fine. The former is not her value system right now.

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Hope, I strongly suggest that you speak to a counselor about your attachment issues.

 

I do not recommend that you continue contact with this guy, as it prevents you from moving on. I also suggest keeping very busy with friends and new activities.

 

Stop fixating on this guy. You dated him for a minute.

 

I am talking to a counselor and have been, I know a lot of this is more me than him. I've been keeping really busy with clubs, friends and classes but as soon as I'm alone my thoughts drift to him.

 

He and I are not in contact or talking, we just decided to end things on a good/mature note. The only time we speak is in passing. For example just now walking back from class he walked by and gave me a big smile and said what's up, I did not initiate that but wasn't going to ignore him so I smiled back and said hey.

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Thank you everyone for the responses, I absolutely do attach sex with emotions so my mistake was getting intimate with him before I really knew him and therefore assuming he felt just as strongly about me. Guess I was wrong, or he got scared, honestly I have no clue and there's no way to find out so I just need to stop looking for answers and move on, something I'm working on.

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Here is a non-romantic, logical reason why you are having this longing and missing the sexual intimacy that you found so intense with this particular guy: I think why you are missing the sexual intimacy so much and feel that it was the most intense with your ex is because you broke up in the "new relationship energy" phase when the chemistry between the two of you is it's most strong. This kind of rush always wanes with consistent time together. Now that you're no longer seeing him, you are going through the withdrawl from the oxytocin (amongst other feel good chemicals/hormones) release which is what bonds us to our sexual partner. Pheromones also play a role in how we connect to the other.

 

Rest assured that this longing will pass in time. Do your best to change the subject of all things him to something else when he pops into your head.

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I am talking to a counselor and have been, I know a lot of this is more me than him. I've been keeping really busy with clubs, friends and classes but as soon as I'm alone my thoughts drift to him.

 

He and I are not in contact or talking, we just decided to end things on a good/mature note. The only time we speak is in passing. For example just now walking back from class he walked by and gave me a big smile and said what's up, I did not initiate that but wasn't going to ignore him so I smiled back and said hey.

 

Good for you! You're doing everything right! Time is a healer.

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Here is a non-romantic, logical reason why you are having this longing and missing the sexual intimacy that you found so intense with this particular guy: I think why you are missing the sexual intimacy so much and feel that it was the most intense with your ex is because you broke up in the "new relationship energy" phase when the chemistry between the two of you is it's most strong. This kind of rush always wanes with consistent time together. Now that you're no longer seeing him, you are going through the withdrawl from the oxytocin (amongst other feel good chemicals/hormones) release which is what bonds us to our sexual partner. Pheromones also play a role in how we connect to the other.

 

Rest assured that this longing will pass in time. Do your best to change the subject of all things him to something else when he pops into your head.

 

This definitely makes sense... Being physical with someone always means so much to me and I was definitely on a high after having been single for over a year. Lately I try to distract myself as much as possible it's just so hard when I'm finally thinking about him less but then I see him walking to class or in the dining hall and he smiles at me and then BOOM he's back on my mind... I know he's just being friendly (most likely) but I still overthink and over analyze it.

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This definitely makes sense... Being physical with someone always means so much to me and I was definitely on a high after having been single for over a year. Lately I try to distract myself as much as possible it's just so hard when I'm finally thinking about him less but then I see him walking to class or in the dining hall and he smiles at me and then BOOM he's back on my mind... I know he's just being friendly (most likely) but I still overthink and over analyze it.

 

Its okay... it's part of the process of withdrawl. Seeing him triggers those oxytocin release memories. In time, one day at a time, you'll be clean and sober of him and the chemicals he ignited... You'll be able to say Hi to him with indifference. Until then, expect your heart beat to rev up a bit when you run into him... it's all normal and knowing that it is and what is causing it will get you through it more quickly.

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I think you're assigning a lot of emotional meaning to it because you really liked him, of course, but also because this was so new and didn't run its course (for you) before it ended. As another poster rightly pointed out, this ended when you were smack dab in the honeymoon phase. Had this gone on longer and had your emotions and excitement mellowed a bit, you likely wouldn't be associating the same strong passion with physical intimacy.

 

But you have learned something important about yourself, which is that sex develops a strong sense of attachment in you. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but it isn't very conducive to casual dating or early intimacy. The next time around, you will probably have an easier time waiting to have sex until you know the relationship has a more solid basis.

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Hi Hope,

I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from. But, it's a part of life that we all have to overcome. Continuing to think about him and talk to him makes the process of moving on even harder than before. Get yourself busy: make plans with friends and focus on yourself instead of him. At the end of the day, no matter how passionate your physical relationship was, that's not who he really is and you have to think about who he was as a person. You guys only dated for a hot minute and while it may have seemed like a longer relationship because of all of the passion, in reality it wasn't.

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Its okay... it's part of the process of withdrawl. Seeing him triggers those oxytocin release memories. In time, one day at a time, you'll be clean and sober of him and the chemicals he ignited... You'll be able to say Hi to him with indifference. Until then, expect your heart beat to rev up a bit when you run into him... it's all normal and knowing that it is and what is causing it will get you through it more quickly.

 

Makes sense... ugh I can't wait to be over him. It's horrible, every time I see him I get this instant craving to just be around him and keep talking to him like he's a magnet.

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I think you're assigning a lot of emotional meaning to it because you really liked him, of course, but also because this was so new and didn't run its course (for you) before it ended. As another poster rightly pointed out, this ended when you were smack dab in the honeymoon phase. Had this gone on longer and had your emotions and excitement mellowed a bit, you likely wouldn't be associating the same strong passion with physical intimacy.

 

But you have learned something important about yourself, which is that sex develops a strong sense of attachment in you. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but it isn't very conducive to casual dating or early intimacy. The next time around, you will probably have an easier time waiting to have sex until you know the relationship has a more solid basis.

 

I agree, I keep trying to remind myself that I'm looking at him through those rose-tinted glasses because I really only saw the honeymoon side of him where he was even still already showing problems... trying to focus on that

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Hi Hope,

I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from. But, it's a part of life that we all have to overcome. Continuing to think about him and talk to him makes the process of moving on even harder than before. Get yourself busy: make plans with friends and focus on yourself instead of him. At the end of the day, no matter how passionate your physical relationship was, that's not who he really is and you have to think about who he was as a person. You guys only dated for a hot minute and while it may have seemed like a longer relationship because of all of the passion, in reality it wasn't.

 

yeah I've been keeping myself extremely busy with classes, 5 clubs, friends, and fitness classes so it's been helping. We dated for such a short time but a month of dating in college is like 6 months of dating in the "real" world, you get used to hanging out with them all of the time, getting to know their friends, their passions, you basically live together just separate buildings. Next time I know to take things slower, but I fell for this guy the second I saw him... literally. Idk what it was about him but I had never experienced that with anyone else in my entire life and I think that's why it's so hard to let go of. And I know to a bunch of strangers over the internet that just makes me look like a crazy girl who gets attached too quickly, but I hardly ever, ever fall for guys. I'll develop little crushes but then they fade. So for me to experience the "love at first sight" feeling was scary and completely new and so unlike me. I had such a strong feeling about him, like something clicked. We had amazing chemistry, but he's just not mature enough for a relationship right now.

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All that is just a story you're telling yourself.

 

If you keep telling yourself you can't get over him you never will.

 

I kept myself stuck to someone who was patently wrong for me for months (years) because I told myself and anyone who would listen that he was "the love of my life who I'll love FOREVER!!!111" When I stopped enjoying the false fairy tale (because I WAS enjoying the idea of some man out there somewhere who I was tied to for eternity) I was able to let go and move forward.

 

Stop telling yourself you two were "love" at first sight and tell yourself he was and is wrong for you, and now you are free to encounter anyone who might be right for you. Stop telling yourself he's a unicorn and start seeing him for who he really is...someone you spent some time with but ultimately discovered he is not right for you. That way you can fall out of love with the false fairy tale and start really enjoying your life. College is fun!

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No, it's not like 6 months. Nothing -nothing at all - replaces getting to know someone over a period of time - a month is nothing. You have no idea in a month what he is like when he is sick, when he gets great news, on holidays, his birthday, your birthday, how he is over time with your families and friends, etc. It doesn't matter if you're together 24/7 for a month -it's "over a period of time" that counts.

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All that is just a story you're telling yourself.

 

If you keep telling yourself you can't get over him you never will.

 

It's not a story when it's genuinely how I felt. I know my own emotions and if I felt something that strong then I did. Believe me, I feel crazy saying it myself, I have never believed in "love at first sight". But that feeling was not something I had any control over.

 

 

Stop telling yourself you two were "love" at first sight and tell yourself he was and is wrong for you, and now you are free to encounter anyone who might be right for you. Stop telling yourself he's a unicorn and start seeing him for who he really is...someone you spent some time with but ultimately discovered he is not right for you. That way you can fall out of love with the false fairy tale and start really enjoying your life. College is fun!

 

Again, I felt how I felt. I'm not sitting here trying to convince myself that it was love at first sight. It's legitimately what I clearly felt. You can have strong feelings for someone you know isn't right for you. I'm not in denial that he's wrong for me and I am most certainly not saying he was a unicorn and there are no other guys for me out there or anything like that. I'm 100% aware. But the fact is that being aware of those things does not change how I feel about him. Believe me, if I could have the choice to feel nothing I absolutely would. I know I deserve better and I know I will get over him, I'm working on that. But the fact is we can't control how we feel about someone and just make the split decision to "unlove" them.

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Of course you can have strong feelings -you can love a person, a flower, a cat - what matters is what those feelings are based on. "First sight" means that you had emotions for someone you saw for the first time. Those emotions might end up being based on who the person is -anything is possible - or they might not. Often love at first sight is based on a need within the person who is feeling the feeling and not based on the object of the person's love. You chose to act on those feelings by having sex very early on and by choosing to see him all the time and get attached. Even if you live next door you have control over how much time you spend with a person and how much you invest in that person. He lived in the dorms too and yet chose video games over you when he invited you to his room, right?

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He lived in the dorms too and yet chose video games over you when he invited you to his room, right?

 

No, that was a night he was with a group of friends and was watching them play. When he would invite me over to his own room we would always talk, do homework together, watch a movie, take a nap etc. among other things.

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No, that was a night he was with a group of friends and was watching them play. When he would invite me over to his own room we would always talk, do homework together, watch a movie, take a nap etc. among other things.

 

Right. He chose to ignore you that night even though you were right there. Proximity doesn't have to mean connection. I also would accept that he might be mature enough for a relationship just not with you. So, if you see him with another woman you won't freak out -accept that after a short while he realized he wasn't that into being with you. No need to question his maturity or anything else especially since you are likely to see him with other women or hear about him pursuing other women.

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What I meant by the story you're telling yourself is saying you can't get over him or that you two had an irreplaceable connection. Even if it's true it's not helpful to keep telling yourself that.

 

Try to channel those thoughts into positives. You CAN and WILL get past this and you WILL meet others who you connect with.

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