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Thread: Getting over the physical side of a relationship

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    All that is just a story you're telling yourself.

    If you keep telling yourself you can't get over him you never will.
    It's not a story when it's genuinely how I felt. I know my own emotions and if I felt something that strong then I did. Believe me, I feel crazy saying it myself, I have never believed in "love at first sight". But that feeling was not something I had any control over.


    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Stop telling yourself you two were "love" at first sight and tell yourself he was and is wrong for you, and now you are free to encounter anyone who might be right for you. Stop telling yourself he's a unicorn and start seeing him for who he really is...someone you spent some time with but ultimately discovered he is not right for you. That way you can fall out of love with the false fairy tale and start really enjoying your life. College is fun!
    Again, I felt how I felt. I'm not sitting here trying to convince myself that it was love at first sight. It's legitimately what I clearly felt. You can have strong feelings for someone you know isn't right for you. I'm not in denial that he's wrong for me and I am most certainly not saying he was a unicorn and there are no other guys for me out there or anything like that. I'm 100% aware. But the fact is that being aware of those things does not change how I feel about him. Believe me, if I could have the choice to feel nothing I absolutely would. I know I deserve better and I know I will get over him, I'm working on that. But the fact is we can't control how we feel about someone and just make the split decision to "unlove" them.

  2. #22
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    Of course you can have strong feelings -you can love a person, a flower, a cat - what matters is what those feelings are based on. "First sight" means that you had emotions for someone you saw for the first time. Those emotions might end up being based on who the person is -anything is possible - or they might not. Often love at first sight is based on a need within the person who is feeling the feeling and not based on the object of the person's love. You chose to act on those feelings by having sex very early on and by choosing to see him all the time and get attached. Even if you live next door you have control over how much time you spend with a person and how much you invest in that person. He lived in the dorms too and yet chose video games over you when he invited you to his room, right?

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    He lived in the dorms too and yet chose video games over you when he invited you to his room, right?
    No, that was a night he was with a group of friends and was watching them play. When he would invite me over to his own room we would always talk, do homework together, watch a movie, take a nap etc. among other things.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by hope19
    No, that was a night he was with a group of friends and was watching them play. When he would invite me over to his own room we would always talk, do homework together, watch a movie, take a nap etc. among other things.
    Right. He chose to ignore you that night even though you were right there. Proximity doesn't have to mean connection. I also would accept that he might be mature enough for a relationship just not with you. So, if you see him with another woman you won't freak out -accept that after a short while he realized he wasn't that into being with you. No need to question his maturity or anything else especially since you are likely to see him with other women or hear about him pursuing other women.

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  6. #25
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    What I meant by the story you're telling yourself is saying you can't get over him or that you two had an irreplaceable connection. Even if it's true it's not helpful to keep telling yourself that.

    Try to channel those thoughts into positives. You CAN and WILL get past this and you WILL meet others who you connect with.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    What I meant by the story you're telling yourself is saying you can't get over him or that you two had an irreplaceable connection. Even if it's true it's not helpful to keep telling yourself that.

    Try to channel those thoughts into positives. You CAN and WILL get past this and you WILL meet others who you connect with.
    Thank you, I know I will get over it and eventually be thankful I let go, I've gotten over much worse. It's just a matter of coping in the mean time while the feelings are still there.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by hope19
    Makes sense... ugh I can't wait to be over him. It's horrible, every time I see him I get this instant craving to just be around him and keep talking to him like he's a magnet.
    Hope, please google "love addiction," it's a real thing. I think that's what happening now, you are sexually addicted to him.

    Having experienced this type of addiction myself, there is nothing logically you can do to break it, it's emotional and the only way to kick it is to go 100% cold turkey. Which in your case will be difficult since you still see him.

    Is there any way you can avoid him? Cold turkey also means stop communicating with him. No texting, NOTHING. 100% cold turkey.

    It's the only way, and in time, you will feel that sexual pull starting to lift.

    Please be patient with yourself, breaking a sexual addiction to a person is not easy! It's just like any other addition, it takes perseverance, determination and strong will power.

    Best of luck and please continue to post here for support!

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Hope, please google "love addiction," it's a real thing. I think that's what happening now, you are sexually addicted to him.

    Having experienced this type of addiction myself, there is nothing logically you can do to break it, it's emotional and the only way to kick it is to go 100% cold turkey. Which in your case will be difficult since you still see him.

    Is there any way you can avoid him? Cold turkey also means stop communicating with him. No texting, NOTHING. 100% cold turkey.

    It's the only way, and in time, you will feel that sexual pull starting to lift.

    Please be patient with yourself, breaking a sexual addiction to a person is not easy! It's just like any other addition, it takes perseverance, determination and strong will power.

    Best of luck and please continue to post here for support!
    Thanks so much, I try to avoid him as much as possible but unfortunately it's a small campus and we have similar schedules -ugh. I'm going to keep my distance as much as I possibly can and hopefully it gets better in time.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    So I wouldn't think of it as the "physical side" -it's not just physical, emotions are involved. You chose to move faster than typical sexually - and I would be careful about "something about him" because now you know you get very attached by having sex and you might be tempted to use that excuse or something like it "it just happened" "we just clicked" etc. I don't think that most men look for someone just to have sex with - and think men who have religious values likely wouldn't just have sex to have sex (and I mean religious values of a certain type and not just because they label themselves as a particular religion or claim to be religious -I mean they live their life in accordance with those values on a daily basis). Certain men and women enjoy having sex to have sex. That doesn't mean they are using anyone. Using someone involves deception or forcing the other person to have sex. Adults who enjoy casual sex or one night stands or flings should do it as long as both people are consenting.

    I don't think you're too sensitive to move that quickly. I simply think you get emotionally attached through sex. Just be careful about the excuses you may make in the future. I'm sorry things didn't work out. I think you made assumptions about him based on his social skills/awkwardness and assumed you'd kind of have the upper hand.
    As someone who now knows myself enough to know that sex makes me get (more) emotionally attached, I now prefer to wait until the emotional connection is mutually formed through other means (conversation, dates, quality time together).

    But just like you had situations where I got sexually involved too quickly and it lead to emotional attachment that wasn't corresponded by the other person. A bit similar to you. And no, these men didn't use me.

    Another thing I recommend is never using sex as a backdoor to a relationship. It rarely works. I'm not saying it was what you've done, but I'd be careful with sleeping with guys who give the "no labels speech" because rarely continuing to sleep with them and getting more and more attached leads to a relationship.

    I know it hurts but now it's time to detach from him through no contact and see it as a short term fling.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    As someone who now knows myself enough to know that sex makes me get (more) emotionally attached, I now prefer to wait until the emotional connection is mutually formed through other means (conversation, dates, quality time together).

    But just like you had situations where I got sexually involved too quickly and it lead to emotional attachment that wasn't corresponded by the other person. A bit similar to you. And no, these men didn't use me.

    Another thing I recommend is never using sex as a backdoor to a relationship. It rarely works. I'm not saying it was what you've done, but I'd be careful with sleeping with guys who give the "no labels speech" because rarely continuing to sleep with them and getting more and more attached leads to a relationship.

    I know it hurts but now it's time to detach from him through no contact and see it as a short term fling.
    It's refreshing to hear I'm not the only one! Thank you for this. I am about to post an update on the situation as a reply to this thread.

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