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Thread: Just Done

  1. #1

    Just Done

    This is so hard to write, I know my feelings are not forever but I just canít get past how horrible everything feels. I donít want to do anything to myself, but I also donít care to be trapped in my crappy life anymore. If youíre inclined to read this, Iím happy to hear any suggestions other than hating every minute of every day.

    I donít even know where to start with this...my mom was diagnosed with cancer theee and a half years ago. After getting the ďall clearĒ it came back two years ago. We have recently heard that it has grown significantly and she is out of treatment options, so itís just time at this point. They have decided that as a result of this, they need to move to clean up all of their debt and give my dad the money he will need to keep on keeping on. For whatever reason, they have decided to move 30 minutes away, my sister and I both live nearby. We have found them a house closeby, so we can be there with them while my mom is going through this and for my dad thereafter so he isnít alone and away from all of his family and friends. I just feel like they donít care what happens to us and that we arenít valued. They went from ďneeding to downsizeĒ and needing a bungalow because of my Momís health, to a 3-storey, monster home in the country half an hour away.

    While dealing with all of this, my marriage is falling apart. Heís angry with me all of the time, yells at me for ďbeing dramaticĒ when Iím upset about losing my mom, and just being an a-hole in general. I donít feel like I can leave because we are buying my parentsí house, in his name because my credit is crap, and I feel like Iíll never hear the end of it and how he bailed my parents out.

    With all of this going on, I feel like the clock is ticking for us to have a baby so that my mom can be around. But he keeps putting it off (for 5+ years) for various reasons. Now we ďhave toĒ put it off some more because we ďhave a lot going onĒ.

    My job sucks, but because we are buying this friggin house, I canít take any stress leave or anything to try to deal with everything going on. But Iím doing the job of two people after doing my bossí job, my job and someone elseís over the summer. Iím burnt out and just sick of it, but canít live because Iím the one with the stable income.

    I was hoping that he would want to have a baby sooner so I could take the time off work to find something else while Iím off, not have me feel so unloved and crazy for wanting my own after raising his two that donít respect either of us, and my parents would want to be nearby.

    I donít know that I can deal with everything anymore. I feel inadequate, unloved, unwanted and unheard. I donít feel like anyone cares about how I feel. Iím not sure anyone has even noticed to be completely honest. I just donít want to do this anymore. I would love to run away and start over. And thatís where Iím at. As you can imagine, I donít really have anyone I can talk to. I sought counseling, but she decided I was fine after two sessions. Iím not fine. I just want to give up and not deal with any of this anymore.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I'm really sorry for what you are going thru. Please find another therapist and start seeing that person, you really need to unload on a professional who can hopefully help you and guide you thru things.

  3. #3
    Gold Member cristal's Avatar
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    Putting your parent's home in your husband's name is a bad idea. If your marriage breaks up, he can then claim the house because it's in his name.

  4. #4
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    Yeah, everything you've mentioned is a bad idea. You need to step up and take control of your life. You and your husband should not buy your parent's house. You don't need that house, and your father and mother might want to move to an apartment or a small condo for now. That way, if your mom passes, he will be free to do whatever he wants, and he may have some spending money to use if the house has any equity. Cleaning up debt may not be a good idea either. For example, non-collateralized debt in your mother's name (like credit cards) will not be collectible after her death. You can't collect money from someone who's passed, so you need to know what debt is being paid off and whether it should be paid off. As for you and your husband, it sounds like you're being emotionally abused if he insults you and you feel unloved, unwanted, etc. Google "emotional abuse" and see if those articles describe you. You probably should leave him. And while you're having marital problems, you should not be trying for a baby. It makes breaking up harder.

    Suicide is not a way out, but I see a clear path on how you can escape from most of the stress in your life and just concentrate on spending as much time as you can with your mom. As for you mom, at this point, she should eat as much turmeric as possible. It's a spice, so you can buy it anywhere. Here's some info. You can Google more information.

    [Register to see the link]

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your mother is the one suffering from cancer, not you. And you are "annoyed" at the inconvenience that it's 30 min drive for you? You are not the victim here.

    Stop hating everyone and everything. Stop resenting your husband. Divorce him or figure something out. Explain how as a married couple your credit is bad but his is good? Why buy your parents home?

    Pregnancy is not to stop working because you hate your job. It's to start a family. Get to a therapist to help you deal better with all the hating and twisted resentments.

  7. #6
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    1) You can be on the deed, and do not need to be on the mortgage (do not have just his name on it)
    2) I know you want kids, but if you can actually picture your husband rubbing in your face how he's saving your parents butt, but has no steady income, DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH GUY. Having kids with him will fix nothing, and it will not help anyone, including you. And it will not make your parents want to move closer. You will only trap yourself deeper into a crap situation.
    3) Apply to other jobs. If they cannot compensate you properly based on your work-load (I hope you've asked), get a friend or someone to review your resume, cover letter, and apply to jobs, then practice interview questions. Having a kid does not give you time to look for work. Like you will have zero time at that point.
    4) Stop thinking of yourself as a victim. There are fixes you can do for yourself, and you are capable!

    I'm sorry about your mom. Just breath. Make the most you can with her. But it doesn't mean getting pregnant will cure her. Your love for her is more than parents can ever dream of.

  8. #7
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    The WRONG thing to do is to rush to have a baby or get married or any other major decision just so a dying relative can see it happen. the baby will have no memory of a grandparent and based on your mother's condition, she may pass away before the baby is born or its even safe to announce the pregnancy. She may not pass for awhile, but do not have a child under duress. My sister had a baby hoping the baby would meet great grandparents and great grandpa died before the baby came (7th month of pregnancy). I was disappointed that my grandmother on my one side would not see me walk down the aisle, but sometimes that's what happens. It has to be in YOUR time.


    I think you are your sister should get together and talk and put a stop to this monster 3 story home unless THEY pay for it.
    Afterall, your dad will need somewhere to live. If they sold their house, they should be able to afford something. Maybe they are fulfilling your mom's wish for a home in the country.

    I just feel like they donít care what happens to us and that we arenít valued.

    The most important thing to them is getting mom through the rest of her days. besides that, the money should go to her final expenses (funeral, etc.) and then to make sure dad is okay. what you inherit, if anything is way down the line after dad passes.

    I think i would meet my sister and have a heart to heart that this big house needs to be stopped. They should stay in their current home because it might be traumatic for dad to live in a new home with no memories except his wife dying. He then could move when he was ready and still have good memories where he lived. Or if they do move, you put your foot down on the big house that they do not need. Unless this will be your family home that you will move into once mom passes and its a home of your choosing.

    if you buy this house -- with your husband's credit - you have 30 years of payments. mom will be long gone then.

    Why not have them rent a nice furnished or upscale condo if she is not going to be around much longer?? And will dad need to move into a retirement community after she goes?

  9. 10-25-2018, 01:13 PM


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