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Thread: My foreign story

  1. #1
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    My foreign story

    Earlier tonight I posted in a thread, about my dating / relationship experiences, since being divorced 4 years ago. At the end I stated I found a bizarre, almost twilight zone like dating site when compared with local sites. It had an unbelievable amount of very attractive, highly educated women in their 30's & 40's. Without intentionally setting out to form a relationship, I met a wonderful woman 2 years ago on the site and would tell the story later, but the tread was deleted.

    DanZee I haven't left you hanging and reading your advice here you are generally on the ball...... Philippines no, Russia yes...... Mail order bride, I'll let you be the judge.

    I think i'll post in installments as this will probably be a ridiculously long post for one reason..... I've already found with family and friends, I've had to go to great depths to get them to re-think their beliefs and I'm sure many of you are the same. Hopefully it will be an eye opening and interesting story for you.

    PART - 1

    As soon as you mention Russia and dating people roll their eyes and the typical stereotype springs to mind..... Poor women who are desperate to escape their country. Green card gold diggers, who will divorce you as soon as they are citizens of your country etc.... I used to think the same also, until several years ago.

    I was at the point where, although I'd been reasonably successful dating, It started becoming frustrating and I was a little disillusioned. I decided to have a break and reassess where I was going in life, so I planned a holiday to visit friends in Germany.

    I decided I needed to learn a few basic phrases and online language sites were not having results I wanted. I needed to talk to some native speakers, but I didn't want to bother my busy friends.

    I joined a language based pen pal site, that seemed to have more scammers than genuine people. I chatted to a Canadian guy who recommended an international dating site, where he met his wife. Many women use it to practice their English as well as find a partner.

    It was the same as any of the usual sites we use locally, but completely free to chat with members. Not an agency site, pay per letter scam site etc... which most men fall foul of, when travelling down this path.

    I put a basic description of why I was on the site and sent a message to a young German woman looking for the same. Unfortunately it was a hopeless situation. I knew no German and she only had very basic English skills. Skype video chats were a lot of confused looks and uncomfortable silences. We gave up after a week.

    During this time a bisexual Russian woman from Kaliningrad, Russia messaged me.... Well it was actually a sext asking if I'd like to try her pancakes and cream, but a bit more graphic. Always up for a new experience I returned with a suitable humorous sext and we continued back and forth for a while.

    Eventually we chatted in a normal fashion and she made it clear she like women more than men, but was interested in my country. We shared our life experiences and chatted about the social, cultural, economical and political subtleties of our counties.

    Eventually she found a girl she liked and we said goodbye. Our conversations left me with a fascination for Russia and I wanted to learn more. I changed my profile to "seeking a pen pal and maybe more" thinking I would get more replies, but having no intention to seek a relationship.

    My early experience with online dating locally was the same as many men.... send 50 messages, maybe receive 5 replies and hopefully one date. With this in mind, I decided to message 20 women, who were in their early 40's, had children, knew English and were divorced like me. This was a big mistake.

    I surprisingly received 17 replies and even more amazing my opening message was a safe "hello how are you?" Which rarely worked for me locally.

    The mistake was messaging so many...... It's hard juggling multiple conversations and remembering who was who and what we had previously discussed. One thing that surprised me was they weren't poor women struggling through life. They were doctors, teachers, business owners etc... All had great credentials, very intelligent and lived lives very similar to us in Western countries.

    When asked why they couldn't find a man locally they basically all said the good men are taken and if they divorce, they usually chose younger women. None particularly wanted to date an alcoholic, which many older single men are. There were other social and cultural reasons that make it hard for a divorced woman, especially with children to attract a man (I'll explain later).

    Despite the common stereotype, many stated they didn't want to leave their family, friends and jobs in Russia. They had a good life, but when faced with being alone forever, they felt they had no choice but to look for a partner overseas or in Western Europe.

    It all got too much so I cut contact with all but five. After some time a woman who I messaged in the original 20, but didn't reply, eventually messaged me back. She she was the only one who knew German as well as English.

    It was time get back on track and learn some German, with the added bonus of her being Russian and continuing to learn about their culture. I said goodbye to the other 5 women and concentrated on the one woman, my new found German / Russian culture teacher.

    She wasn't on the site often, so it made it hard. She suggested chatting on skype face to face which was a far better way to pick up the language. Due to the time difference I didn't want to inconvenience her, so I offered to wake at 4:30am so we could chat.

    When I woke, our internet was down so I frantically went out into our back yard and logged onto my neighbors Internet. I sat and waited for her call, at a quarter to five in the morning, being bitten by mosquitoes and thinking this is f@$king crazy!!

    To be continued......
    Last edited by Matt0050; 10-23-2018 at 08:52 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Watch 90 Day Fiance on the TLC channel. It's a great peek at what numerous pitfalls you're facing dating a foreigner.

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    PART - 2

    She called via video chat (I'll call her "V"), but unfortunately my connection was bad, so we decided to talk via voice call. V was concerned that her English wasn't very good and I wouldn't understand her, but in fact it was at a good level and only occasionally we had a misunderstanding, many due to my lazy English and slang words.

    We decided to get to know each other and gave a brief rundown of our life stories which she gave first. She started with her marriage. 30 seconds in, I was speechless. This must be a prank, she must know my friends or family or is a mind reader.

    We both survived abusive marriages and they were literally identical. Our partners having bad upbringings, their mental heath issues, serial cheating, alcoholism, leaving us home to watch our kids every weekend while they drank and partied. Trying desperately to keep our families together and eventually leaving us for other people, while we had to deal with our children's emotional breakdowns. It was so similar that we were both trying to reconnect our eldest teenagers who were estranged from our ex's. This point especially we bonded over.

    The next night we video chatted and that's were I realised the stoic, cold expression that most Russians have in public, is not what they're like in private. She was warm and friendly, constantly, joking, smiling and laughing. She had an infectious personality that was magnetic and would have to be one of the most naturally attractive women I've ever met.

    We chatted and messaged every few days during the first few weeks. The German lessons went out the window as we just enjoyed chatting as friends. Eventually we contacted each other daily, hourly and then would chat for 8 hours + everyday. She worked in an office and her role enabled her to message me without interrupting her tasks or her routine. I on the other hand was a sleep deprived zombie.

    I worked out during the first 4-5 months we had sent 70,000 messages and skyped for 100's of hours. I think I talked to her more than I did with my ex in 25 years. We sent each other pictures daily and short videos.

    She loved to cook, so I received as many pictures of her wonderful dishes as I did of her and we would share recipes. She would take me on tours of her city during lunch breaks, via video chat and show me the many interesting attractions.

    I had never met a woman who I could have such deep conversations with. We would shift seamlessly from one topic to another and could range widely from philosophy to our favourite Metallica song.

    At the 5 month mark a accidentally sent a kissing emoji instead of a smile and she sent one back. There was a bit of flirty chat and then we were honest with each other. We were both attracted to each other, but neither had mentioned it as we didn't want to ruin our friendship.

    To be continued....

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    I bet it didn't end up well.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Watch 90 Day Fiance on the TLC channel. It's a great peek at what numerous pitfalls you're facing dating a foreigner.
    I checked it out a while ago, she's definitely no Anfisa. Poor George.... that's want happens when you hook up with a web cam girl. V's the opposite. I owe her money ATM and she refuses to take it.

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    Originally Posted by dias
    I bet it didn't end up well.
    You'll have to wait an see lol ....

    But I will give you a fact that makes you second guess the stereotype we all believe. The divorce rate in America is far lower for international marriages, than local marriages, in fact they represent the most successful group in the US.

    The United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) reports that “…marriages arranged through [mail order bride] services would appear to have a lower divorce rate than the nation as a whole, fully 80 percent of these marriages having lasted over the years for which reports are available.”

    I would never recommend meeting someone through those services, for reason I'll put in my story later, but on a whole far more people are staying married than are getting divorced.

    For the average person you would struggle to find 5 of first hand accounts of horror stories regarding Russian women online.

    I've read more far more horror stories than most people, because I know where to look ( and there are some shocking incidents) but for every horror story there are many successful ones, which you never hear about, again unless you know where to look.

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    Originally Posted by Matt0050
    You'll have to wait an see lol ....

    But I will give you a fact that makes you second guess the stereotype we all believe. The divorce rate in America is far lower for international marriages, than local marriages, in fact they represent the most successful group in the US.

    The United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) reports that “…marriages arranged through [mail order bride] services would appear to have a lower divorce rate than the nation as a whole, fully 80 percent of these marriages having lasted over the years for which reports are available.”

    I would never recommend meeting someone through those services, for reason I'll put in my story later, but on a whole far more people are staying married than are getting divorced.

    For the average person you would struggle to find 5 of first hand accounts of horror stories regarding Russian women online.

    I've read more far more horror stories than most people, because I know where to look ( and there are some shocking incidents) but for every horror story there are many successful ones, which you never hear about, again unless you know where to look.
    I didn't draw this inference because she was from Russia. I know the quality of life in Russia. I said it based on the fact that you have soooooooooooooooooooooo many things in common(background) that it doesn't seem plausible. Maybe she was mirroring you, dunno.

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    PART - 3

    During our time taking a few things stood out to me and changed my opinion regarding the "disadvantage woman, trying to escape her situation" stereotype.

    Firstly for a her quality of life seemed to be equal or even better than mine and I live in a country that ranks higher than the US.

    She lives in a small city with a good mixture of modern and historic buildings. The public facilities are better than most in my country. I'm actually going to be embarrassed when she visits my city.

    Her apartment (which she owns out right) was modern and wouldn't look out of place in any inner city luxury apartment complex anywhere in the world.

    She dressed stylishly, often in brand name clothes. She has coffee in the morning at McDonald's and occasionally eats at KFC. She eats out several times a week in fine dining restaurants.

    She likes bowling, ice skating, horse riding, going to the cinema and sporting events on the weekends. Occasionally she went out to a nightclub to dance with friends.

    Every month she would go on a short weekend break and stay at the Hilton in other cities. She vacationed in Europe and pretty much did everything we like to do in western culture.

    She's definitely not living a life of hardship and poverty. Financially she's probably better off than me and I'm earning well above my national average wage.

    To be continued.....

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by dias
    I didn't draw this inference because she was from Russia. I know the quality of life in Russia. I said it based on the fact that you have soooooooooooooooooooooo many things in common(background) that it doesn't seem plausible. Maybe she was mirroring you, dunno.
    Oh Sorry, I misunderstood.....It's me being defensive again as I get the Russian thing thrown at me all the time.

    I would have had the same concerns as you, if it was me that told my side first, but it was her that unloaded it on me initially. I pretty much said "hello, tell me a little about your life and yourself. How long have you been divorced? "

    Now I've spent time with her family and know a lot more about relationships in Russia, her story is not so unique.

    It even got more ridiculous when I talked to her father. I had covered up my ex's behavior from my parents and so did she. We both kept quiet to protect our children and families.

  11. #10
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    As soon as you mention Russia and dating people roll their eyes and the typical stereotype springs to mind..... Poor women who are desperate to escape their country. Green card gold diggers, who will divorce you as soon as they are citizens of your country etc.... I used to think the same also, until several years ago.
    You have a cultural bias about Russia. It's pretty obvious in every post you have written so far. Instead of trying to convince everyone else, ask yourself why you have this bias (or any other bias for that matter) and what you can to do move past it.

    I think even if it doesn't work out with this woman... it's good that you are taking a minute to open your eyes to a different view point.

    On anther note, you seem to be having an online relationship fantasy with this woman... have you met her in person yet?

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