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Found another woman’s clothes


BCC123

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Wow it’s been so long since I’ve been on here but I’m going crazy! Need some advice maybe some calming methods

 

So last night I found another girls shirt in my boyfriends room. It was inside out and by his dirty clothes pile which is close to his bed. I do his laundry this shirt hasn’t always been there so not left by ex.

 

He swears up and down he doesn’t know where it came from, that I can trust him, that he never cheated

 

I just hate when things don’t make sense. What makes sense is we’ve spent a lot of weekends apart as I thought I could trust him. He’s had plenty of opportunities. He always wants to know when I’m on my way over and doesn’t like it when I just pop in. He goes out of town for work and a few weeks ago when he was gone he kept asking if I was having anyone over which is weird he usually never asks that I think it’s cause he felt guilty.

 

Idk I’m driving myself crazy. He promised on everything he has never cheated. But still no explanation for this shirt.

 

He asked his roommate if anyone was staying in his room while he’s out of town he said no.

 

Any words of wisdom or encouragement are appreciated. Sorry if this post sounds crazy I’m still in awe of what happened I’ve never been cheated on so not sure how to handle this.

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You have to make a decision to either trust him or not trust him, there really isn't anything else you can do right now.

 

I know blind trust is hard but when it comes to relationships, sometimes that's the only choice you have.

 

If you do decide to trust him, keep your eyes open and watch for any other signs of something amiss.

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He always wants to know when I’m on my way over and doesn’t like it when I just pop in.

 

Could this be for appearance reasons? It's nice to look our best when we see someone we care about.

 

If it were me, I would take a break. Give yourself some breathing space. Take careful time to evaluate your feelings, and proceed from there. Reflect on what you know about his past, his character, his motivations, and his levels of commitment to you.

 

If he wants you, he might come forward and spill some information that you're not aware of. It's just too much to ask that there should be no explanation for the shirt whatsoever - it is his room, isn't it?

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Sorry I can't be more comforting, but this is concerning to me.

 

The fact that he has stated, apparently multiple times, that you need to call when you're on your way over, and that he doesn't like pop-ins, would be all well & good, except that now it seems you may have found the reason he's said this.

 

If it were me, I'd be on alert, I'm sorry to say.

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For what it’s worth, I also don’t like it when people just pop over. It feels controlling and/or untrusting to me? Like I am being checked up on? Maybe it made sense 20 years ago... but in this day of instant texts where we are all attached to our phones, how hard is it to send a 10-second text to say you are on your way over? It’s about respect. Then maybe I can pick up that dirty dish that’s lying around or give the bathroom a quick wipe down or get dressed or something. Or even not get too into the movie I’m watching or whatever. I don’t like feeling “on call” for people. But... that’s just me. It’s completely innocent.

 

That would go double if I had a roommate.

 

... but I also don’t understand why he was asking if you were having others over? Would you ever still go to his place even if he wasn’t there? Also strange.

 

I agree that you either trust him or you don’t. The mystery shirt is weird and it’s extra weird that he doesn’t have any explanation for why it’s there.

 

Either way you decide, you could be wrong. You just need to make a decision and feel comfortable with it. I would also base it on his past behavior, General trustworthiness, etc.

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I think guardian angels make sure you see things you're supposed to see, so you can do what's best for yourself. How long have you been dating? Why do you do his laundry? To me, if you're not living together, doing things like his laundry makes you seem like his mother. I've also read never to buy a man underwear or socks, as you're not his mom.

 

Read some articles on Signs your Partner is Cheating and see if any more bells ring. Guarding ones phone is one of the ultimate signs. Is the relationship regressing, stagnant, or progressing? And yes, assuming you're cheating is one of the signs. Does he meet all of your major needs? Only you can decide if you want to break up or stick around and see if there is a lack of future signs or not.

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The whole I just don’t know explanation is not sitting well with me - I’ve tried rationalizing - was it maybe in his laundry and he just threw it to the side ? It was inside out and close by the bed. Could it actually be a super old shirt that was dug up recently? Maybe he forgot he cheated on me when he was drunk? He never hides his phone we don’t do that we don’t lock our phones and share them frequently not to look through but for when he’s trying to keep up with multiple sports games. I don’t see as a liar which is why I’ve trusted him so far and why we can have Saturday nights separately without accusations and questions. But now I’m just like idk...

 

He goes out of town until Thursday so for 2 days I will have to myself to process.

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Ok. Definitely do not "just pop in", call or text and wait to be invited over. Does he "pop over" your place unannounced and start rifling through your stuff and cleaning your stuff? Of course not...because it demonstrates a lack of respect, a lack of boundaries and a lack of trust..

 

Stop mommying him and doing his laundry. Anytime you begin a parent-child situation or start policing someone you are dating, it's time to back off and reflect. Never use cleaning his place or stuff as an excuse to snoop and hunt for "evidence".

 

If this is happening after only 8 mos of dating, perhaps you need to stop and reconsider what's really going on here and if this is the right guy or situation for you.

We’ve been together 8 months now. I help with his laundry. We don’t live together.
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i dont just pop in .. like when he calls me after work and says hey im headed home call me when ur on ur way id like to know when to expect you .. stuff like that. i dont rummage through his things but he works out of town alot so i help with laundry when he gets back i guess its no big deal in my eyes as he helps with dishes as my place. Hes always welcome at my place and does sometimes stop in after a night out with his buddies, sometimes rather late.

 

i will admit i am the WORST at setting boundaries

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Ok start by developing boundaries. That means say no to late night drive-bys and drop ins. Get some standards. Go OUT on dates. Do date like things. Also doing his laundry is beyond creepy. Stop that immediately.

 

You are not his mother and you are not auditioning for the "little housewife" role. Stop policing his laundry that is also beyond creepy.

 

As a long as you accept this nonsense of late night booty call after he's been out with his friends and think doing his laundry is a date, you will have poor results with dating and attract a lower quality of men.

he works out of town alot so i help with laundry when he gets back. Hes always welcome at my place and does sometimes stop in after a night out with his buddies, sometimes rather late.

 

i will admit i am the WORST at setting boundaries

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No, he hasn't. Like at all. That's why i'm trying my hardest to believe him and move on, this was all just recent though as it happened late last night. hes been very loyal and honest and straight forward and from what i can tell hasn't cheated on previous partners (obviously not 100% sure on this)

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we do date - we spend a lot of time together normally. any boys nights he has is initiated by me as hes very needy with me - always wants to hang out and what not. im a little older than he so sometimes im just sleepy while he wants to go out with his friends.

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i get where everyone is coming from with the laundry - still just dont think its a big deal to help him out LOL - im not policing it just stating that if that shirt had been there for a while it would have been noticed, was my main point. I help fold if he takes it out or switch it every once in a while i do not put things in drawers and stuff like that. i understand though.

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Maybe he forgot he cheated on me when he was drunk? He never hides his phone we don’t do that we don’t lock our phones and share them frequently not to look through but for when he’s trying to keep up with multiple sports games. I don’t see as a liar which is why I’ve trusted him so far and why we can have Saturday nights separately without accusations and questions. But now I’m just like idk...

 

He goes out of town until Thursday so for 2 days I will have to myself to process.

 

He FORGOT he cheated on you while he was drunk? Hmm. What does “we can have Saturday nights separately wutbitr accusations and questions” mean?

 

Who is he going out of town with?!

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I think she's asking if it's possible he cheated drunk and forgot, not that he admitted it. It's a very awkward hypothetical to pose. Between the roommate possibly having women around, any trips to visit family, perhaps an ex's shirt long left in a drawer or under the bed, there are plenty of feasible even if not certain possibilities that would be innocuous. Honestly, it would be a couple extra levels of sloppy if a woman was bringing spare clothes for a hookup on the side and then leaving clothes behind. If I trusted someone, I'd assume a better case scenario.

 

And yeah, stop doing his laundry. It's strange that you'd come to his home and do this. Between all the patting yourself on the back for trusting your partner on a basic level any partner should and your suspicious mind, I have a very hard time believing it's not in actuality just an excuse to go through his pockets.

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How much younger is he? He seems immature. And I don't buy the fact that he doesn't know where the shirt came from. I mean, it's a shirt off someone's back. You got to make him come clean and come up with a reasonable story and maybe have a talk about trust.

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OK, I have another take on this. Early in my first marriage I had a pickup truck and we lived in a trailer court. I parked the truck right next to the door of the laundry area.

 

One day my then wife came at me all furious because she found a pair of jeans in the back of my pick up truck. She was convinced i was screwing some "fat chick" who left her effing pants in my truck.

 

I made the mistake of bursting out laughing at her. It was not true and easily explained by how someone must have dropped them in the back of my truck as they left the laundry room.

 

She was having none of it, remained convinced for years.

 

I was not and never have cheated.

 

But I sure have cleaned out junk people leave in my truck more than I used to do.

 

While your situation is not mine, he may be telling you the truth. What you found is not damning evidence.

 

Think of it. Would you leave your shirt somewhere if you were fooling around? Wouldn't you want to be dressed when you left?

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ok - really getting off track with the laundry lol i said i help, i will fold when he takes them out OR switch them from washer to dryer. i do not pick his pockets or rummage lol. again was just trying to reiterate that the found shirt was on top of a pile of dirty clothes and that this shirt had to have been newly placed in his room.

 

also - yes its his room he should be responsible for whats in it - i was thinking maybe she grabbed a hoodie or jacket of his on the way out and left behind her t shirt. it was a small black tee shirt.

 

again i was just trying to think of other scenarios as to how a shirt got in there, since he claims he does not know. i do trust him. but since no explanation for this shirt i have been thinking maybe i should not have been so trusting. I have never questioned him on what hes been doing when he goes out drinking with his buddies - until i found said shirt last night, its making me question a lot.

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I do not come to his home when he is not there to do laundry either haha im sorry i feel like the laundry thing has gotten way out of hand. i am never at his house when hes not there. i dont ALWAYS do his laundry every time for him-

 

he goes out of town for work

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I think all you can do is wait this out. You don't have enough to go on to make a harsh decision, but just enough to go on that you need to be alert to anything else amiss.

 

Trust that truth comes out eventually, without you even having to try. Now that you have your eyes wide open you will be more aware.

In the meantime you'll need to find a way to settle yourself and trust him.

 

I remember a guy I was dating came home from a vacation. I picked him up at the airport and since we got in late he stayed at my home and left for work the following morning. He had washed some clothes the night before and the next day I found an unused condom in my washing machine. Mind you, we weren't using condoms. His reasonable explanation was that it fell out of his shaving kit and it had been there for years. I dug it out of the trash and the expiration date didn't support that, but what do I know about condoms and their expiration dates? So I chose to let it go.

 

Make a long story short, my eyes were now wide open and one odd thing after another continued to happen, so I ended it.

He had met someone on while on vacation. Had I not been paying attention I might have missed some of the subtle clues.

 

Just trust that if something is going on, the truth will present itself eventually.

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Who's did he say it was? Did you wash and fold it for him? Why do you suspect he's cheating under your nose when he goes out without you constantly and goes out of town a lot?

i was thinking maybe she grabbed a hoodie or jacket of his on the way out and left behind her t shirt. it was a small black tee shirt.
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