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Bf cheated while travelling


Lindy3

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My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years, since we were 19 and 23. We've lived together almost as long. In that time we've both finished university degrees in creative fields and have both faced the challenge of turning them into career paths. Neither of us has successfully done so so far, but we're both active in our respective creative communities. In fact he recently won a scholarship to make a documentary about a festival in Italy.

 

Two days ago I was using his phone to look something up and I went into the clipboard and I found something that looked like messages to someone. They said something about feeling guilty and "I'm sorry for sending you so many intense messages". The tone struck me and I immediately asked him about it.

 

This is what he told me: when he was in Italy a few weeks ago he went out drinking with some other travellers. He got talking to a Canadian woman and they clicked. The others left and him and her talked alone for hours, flirting and touching. They exchanged numbers and made plans to meet up the next day. But at the end of the night he broke it off, told her he had a girlfriend and couldn't meet her again. He said it ended really awkwardly and supposedly they didn't kiss or sleep together.

 

The conversation that followed touched on some issues we've been having. He said he feels restless and a bit "trapped" he wants to travel and have adventure, but his life with me is full of domesticity and repetition. He told me how exciting the attention was and that he doesn't feel it anymore with me. But he assured me he loves me and does want to stay together.

 

Intellectually I understand these things. We have gone through a lot of stressful times together and share a lot of boring responsibilities. I understand how this could have happened and I feel glad he broke it off and remained faithful.

 

But I feel completely devastated. I feel insecure and full of doubt. I feel unattractive and worthless, even though I know I'm not and that it's not my fault.

 

How do I move on? What should I do? How can I accept this and stop feeling so overwhelmingly sad? And how can we repair our relationship?

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He messaged her immediately after apologising then deleted the messages and the contact. They haven't spoken since.

 

He messaged her after apologizing to you, do you mean? Did you see the content of the other "intense" messages?

 

I'm just trying to understand if he was still in contact with her after the night they met. If he was, it's not a good sign at all.

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No, he messaged her immediately after spending time with her apologising for the awkward ending and saying he couldn't see her the next day. He didn't contact her again. So no, he hasn't had any contact with her since that night. But I haven't seen the messages. I'm confident they haven't had contact since.

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I would be curious to know what the intense messages were about, but I suppose he deleted those before you could see them.

 

Unfortunately, cheaters often only confess to what they cannot plausibly deny. There is likely more to this than he’s telling you, but only you can decide if what you do know is a dealbreaker or not.

 

It sounds like he’s been unhappy with some aspects in your relationship. Has he ever discussed that with you? My concern would be that he’s checking out and the risk is there that he will continue keeping an eye open for other options.

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It's one of those where he may or may not have cheated. More might have happened than he is telling or he really did stop before things went too far. No real way to know for sure either way.

 

Even giving him the benefit of the doubt that he did stop, you really need to pay attention to what he is telling you - he is feeling trapped, he wants excitement and to play around, he wants to be free and flirt, etc. The day to day domestic grind with you isn't working for him or perhaps he just isn't ready for that and wants to spread his wings and run around. You two got together very very young and now he is feeling like he has missed out on life and dating and fun.

 

Unfortunately, I think your relationship has run its course, at least on his end. This is now staying together out of habit and convenience. One of two things will happen - either he will start cheating on you for real or meet yet someone else and work up the guts to finally dump you. Either way, it will be a bad outcome for you.

 

Btw, it's not on you to do all the work on fixing the relationship. It's on him and if you want to know how he honestly feels, then take a step back and see what he does to bring in some excitement. Right now, he basically blamed you because you know....living together and paying bills isn't all that hot on a day to day basis. Neither is doing dishes. Boohoo poor man. Unfortunately that is how most cheaters think. Life with the SO is just sooo boring, so domestic, but they do serve a purpose of keeping the home and the affair is so exciting when you don't have to worry about all that real life stuff, just all sparkles and sunshine.

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Yeah, I think you're hearing the monologue of someone who wants to break up. I mean, how do you say what he said to a Significant Other? You're boring, he's trapped, and he doesn't feel it anymore?

 

Don't let this relationship linger on until he goes off and has an affair for real. Don't let him have his cake and eat it too. Call it quits and either move out or move him out. A relationship is all or nothing.

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Sorry to hear this. It's not your fault he is bored with "domestic routine and responsibility". What he mentioned is more disconcerting than the messages. All you can do is stop being his roommate while he seeks excitement and attention elsewhere. His remarks are quite insulting and disrespectful.

 

Ask him to move out or move out yourself. If he wants "excitement" and is bored by domestic life, let him experience that.... by himself. If you stick around you will feel awful and know that he is itching to have affairs. Don't be the live-in housekeeper while he has fun prowling around.

some issues we've been having. He said he feels restless and a bit "trapped" he wants to travel and have adventure, but his life with me is full of domesticity and repetition. He told me how exciting the attention was and that he doesn't feel it anymore with me.
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Listen: The whole reason that long term, successful relationships survive stuff like what you're going through right now, Lindy is because there is communication and honesty in that communication. Sometimes what needs to be said isn't always done graciously but at least its done. He's given you both a chance to remedy this now that you are aware of how he is feeling. If you trust him that nothing further happened then what he's saying, then let that part go and concentrate on what he's told you about your relationship now.

It's not all your fault that there is apathy in your union now but you do have to listen to what he is saying and together, come up with a strategy that will get the excitement and connection back into the relationship.

Surely there are some things about him that you would like to see changed as well? No one is perfect so a good discussion about what you both would like to see changed is warranted. Talking about it while discussing your strategy to get things more interesting and less "trappy" perhaps. (?)

 

You've been together for five years so the new relationship energy that your b/f was experiencing with the Canadian girl isn't going to be there in your long term relationship (new relationship energy always wanes so I hope your boyfriend realizes that fact or he's going to feel trapped and bored in every relationship that lasts past the honeymoon stage if you and he should end things.

 

Come up with a strategy together that will get you both out of the apathy and mundane routine you've found yourselves in and more likely then not, this too shall pass.

 

So: Ask yourself what the two of you did when you were first courting that brought about that passion, lust and infatuation and get back to doing that with one another again.

 

I mean, how do you say what he said to a Significant Other? You're boring, he's trapped, and he doesn't feel it anymore?
He didn't say that, Danzee... he said he still loves her and wants to stay with her in spite of the issues. That is reason enough to work on the negatives to hopefully get past them and continue on together in happiness.

 

I'm the first to drink the koolaid in a thread mostly telling someone to leave another when there is abuse, dysfunction, devaluing, apathy etc but none of that seems to be happening in this relationship that is going through a blip.

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He didn't say that, Danzee... he said he still loves her and wants to stay with her in spite of the issues.

 

I still think it's a preface to breaking up. He has itchy feet and he's getting ready to walk.

 

We have gone through a lot of stressful times together...

 

I would like to hear about the other stressful times you two have gone through. What else is going on in the relationship?

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He may have stated this, but it doesn't mean he'll be less "bored" with you or stop chasing skirts or "work on repairing things".

 

If he wanted to "repair things" he would be not dating other women and slap you in the face with "you're boring and not exciting". It means 'you can continue to to be my doormat while I go out and prowl'. Once you condone and overlook infidelity you set yourself up for more not less of it.

 

Stop playing house. Stop sleeping with him. Ask him to sleep in another room until he moves out. Stop being the 'little woman at home". Stop all "domestic activity". Treat him as a roommate. He does all his own chores, errands, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. You can not fix this alone and he doesn't want to.

 

You, on the other hand, must start going out more with your friends, start getting in shape, start updating your look, start investing in yourself and enjoying your life more.

he assured me he loves me and does want to stay together. How can I accept this and stop feeling so overwhelmingly sad? And how can we repair our relationship?
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OP The sadness is logical because you are mourning the relationship you thought you had. The goal is not to avoid sadness. The goal is to get what you want out of this life, including the pleasure of investing in others who in turn invest in you.

 

You have one life. This is not the relationship you chose for yourself. Change is necessary.

 

When you're ready you will move forward.

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It could also be that he doesn't actually feel that way, but used it as a line on the woman. The sad sack "i am not going to lie about my relationship, but i am going to say something to get this lady to keep talking to me" - painting the relationship as negative/foot out the door is a classic way to do it. How many women have "bought" the story of "we are only living as roommates/we have bee talking about breaking up" when the marriage is alive and well. He may not have even thought about what he was saying - it just came out. to me, trust would be broken. If he had been out with colleagues and was just having a conversation with someone, i would not think its a big deal, but the fact that they exchanged numbers would have been the big straw for me.

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I think what he said is entirely honest this far into a relationship. The honeymoon is over and people's feelings change, and not necessarily for the worst. He has expressed genuine remorse and a genuine desire to move past this. My question was not whether I should dump him, because I believe this was a small incident not worth giving up a five year relationship for. My question was how to move past it.

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I think what he said is entirely honest this far into a relationship. The honeymoon is over and people's feelings change, and not necessarily for the worst. He has expressed genuine remorse and a genuine desire to move past this. My question was not whether I should dump him, because I believe this was a small incident not worth giving up a five year relationship for. My question was how to move past it.

I think I gave you some pointers on that in post #10

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I think what he said is entirely honest this far into a relationship. The honeymoon is over and people's feelings change, and not necessarily for the worst. He has expressed genuine remorse and a genuine desire to move past this. My question was not whether I should dump him, because I believe this was a small incident not worth giving up a five year relationship for. My question was how to move past it.

 

There is no short cut. You move past it in time.

I don't think you need to push yourself. You honor how you feel and he helps you through it.

You two start working together to build your relationship and make it stronger and the rest will come.

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