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Thread: Bf cheated while travelling

  1. #1
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    Bf cheated while travelling

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years, since we were 19 and 23. We've lived together almost as long. In that time we've both finished university degrees in creative fields and have both faced the challenge of turning them into career paths. Neither of us has successfully done so so far, but we're both active in our respective creative communities. In fact he recently won a scholarship to make a documentary about a festival in Italy.

    Two days ago I was using his phone to look something up and I went into the clipboard and I found something that looked like messages to someone. They said something about feeling guilty and "I'm sorry for sending you so many intense messages". The tone struck me and I immediately asked him about it.

    This is what he told me: when he was in Italy a few weeks ago he went out drinking with some other travellers. He got talking to a Canadian woman and they clicked. The others left and him and her talked alone for hours, flirting and touching. They exchanged numbers and made plans to meet up the next day. But at the end of the night he broke it off, told her he had a girlfriend and couldn't meet her again. He said it ended really awkwardly and supposedly they didn't kiss or sleep together.

    The conversation that followed touched on some issues we've been having. He said he feels restless and a bit "trapped" he wants to travel and have adventure, but his life with me is full of domesticity and repetition. He told me how exciting the attention was and that he doesn't feel it anymore with me. But he assured me he loves me and does want to stay together.

    Intellectually I understand these things. We have gone through a lot of stressful times together and share a lot of boring responsibilities. I understand how this could have happened and I feel glad he broke it off and remained faithful.

    But I feel completely devastated. I feel insecure and full of doubt. I feel unattractive and worthless, even though I know I'm not and that it's not my fault.

    How do I move on? What should I do? How can I accept this and stop feeling so overwhelmingly sad? And how can we repair our relationship?

  2. #2
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    You are right that this is not your fault. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, as I know it's hurtful.

    Before giving further thoughts: Was he still messaging this girl after his return home? I gather the messages you found were to her, or?

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    He messaged her immediately after apologising then deleted the messages and the contact. They haven't spoken since.

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    Originally Posted by Lindy3
    He messaged her immediately after apologising then deleted the messages and the contact. They haven't spoken since.
    He messaged her after apologizing to you, do you mean? Did you see the content of the other "intense" messages?

    I'm just trying to understand if he was still in contact with her after the night they met. If he was, it's not a good sign at all.

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    No, he messaged her immediately after spending time with her apologising for the awkward ending and saying he couldn't see her the next day. He didn't contact her again. So no, he hasn't had any contact with her since that night. But I haven't seen the messages. I'm confident they haven't had contact since.

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    I would be curious to know what the intense messages were about, but I suppose he deleted those before you could see them.

    Unfortunately, cheaters often only confess to what they cannot plausibly deny. There is likely more to this than hes telling you, but only you can decide if what you do know is a dealbreaker or not.

    It sounds like hes been unhappy with some aspects in your relationship. Has he ever discussed that with you? My concern would be that hes checking out and the risk is there that he will continue keeping an eye open for other options.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It's one of those where he may or may not have cheated. More might have happened than he is telling or he really did stop before things went too far. No real way to know for sure either way.

    Even giving him the benefit of the doubt that he did stop, you really need to pay attention to what he is telling you - he is feeling trapped, he wants excitement and to play around, he wants to be free and flirt, etc. The day to day domestic grind with you isn't working for him or perhaps he just isn't ready for that and wants to spread his wings and run around. You two got together very very young and now he is feeling like he has missed out on life and dating and fun.

    Unfortunately, I think your relationship has run its course, at least on his end. This is now staying together out of habit and convenience. One of two things will happen - either he will start cheating on you for real or meet yet someone else and work up the guts to finally dump you. Either way, it will be a bad outcome for you.

    Btw, it's not on you to do all the work on fixing the relationship. It's on him and if you want to know how he honestly feels, then take a step back and see what he does to bring in some excitement. Right now, he basically blamed you because you know....living together and paying bills isn't all that hot on a day to day basis. Neither is doing dishes. Boohoo poor man. Unfortunately that is how most cheaters think. Life with the SO is just sooo boring, so domestic, but they do serve a purpose of keeping the home and the affair is so exciting when you don't have to worry about all that real life stuff, just all sparkles and sunshine.

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    Yeah, I think you're hearing the monologue of someone who wants to break up. I mean, how do you say what he said to a Significant Other? You're boring, he's trapped, and he doesn't feel it anymore?

    Don't let this relationship linger on until he goes off and has an affair for real. Don't let him have his cake and eat it too. Call it quits and either move out or move him out. A relationship is all or nothing.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It's not your fault he is bored with "domestic routine and responsibility". What he mentioned is more disconcerting than the messages. All you can do is stop being his roommate while he seeks excitement and attention elsewhere. His remarks are quite insulting and disrespectful.

    Ask him to move out or move out yourself. If he wants "excitement" and is bored by domestic life, let him experience that.... by himself. If you stick around you will feel awful and know that he is itching to have affairs. Don't be the live-in housekeeper while he has fun prowling around.
    Originally Posted by Lindy3
    some issues we've been having. He said he feels restless and a bit "trapped" he wants to travel and have adventure, but his life with me is full of domesticity and repetition. He told me how exciting the attention was and that he doesn't feel it anymore with me.

  11. #10
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    Listen: The whole reason that long term, successful relationships survive stuff like what you're going through right now, Lindy is because there is communication and honesty in that communication. Sometimes what needs to be said isn't always done graciously but at least its done. He's given you both a chance to remedy this now that you are aware of how he is feeling. If you trust him that nothing further happened then what he's saying, then let that part go and concentrate on what he's told you about your relationship now.
    It's not all your fault that there is apathy in your union now but you do have to listen to what he is saying and together, come up with a strategy that will get the excitement and connection back into the relationship.
    Surely there are some things about him that you would like to see changed as well? No one is perfect so a good discussion about what you both would like to see changed is warranted. Talking about it while discussing your strategy to get things more interesting and less "trappy" perhaps. (?)

    You've been together for five years so the new relationship energy that your b/f was experiencing with the Canadian girl isn't going to be there in your long term relationship (new relationship energy always wanes so I hope your boyfriend realizes that fact or he's going to feel trapped and bored in every relationship that lasts past the honeymoon stage if you and he should end things.

    Come up with a strategy together that will get you both out of the apathy and mundane routine you've found yourselves in and more likely then not, this too shall pass.

    So: Ask yourself what the two of you did when you were first courting that brought about that passion, lust and infatuation and get back to doing that with one another again.

    I mean, how do you say what he said to a Significant Other? You're boring, he's trapped, and he doesn't feel it anymore?
    He didn't say that, Danzee... he said he still loves her and wants to stay with her in spite of the issues. That is reason enough to work on the negatives to hopefully get past them and continue on together in happiness.

    I'm the first to drink the koolaid in a thread mostly telling someone to leave another when there is abuse, dysfunction, devaluing, apathy etc but none of that seems to be happening in this relationship that is going through a blip.

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