Anyone raised by non-biological parent?

Hi everyone, hope you all are well!!

I’m looking for stories of personal experience, if anyone has some insight to share!

My daughter is five years old, and a very curious little kitten. She’s definitely in the phase of constantly questioning and wanting to understand. Her bio-Father has asked to see her for the first time in over a year, and I plan to meet him tonight. She doesn’t recognize him, and as far as she knows, my husband is her Daddy. I’m nervous that it will spark questions, as it’s very unusual for us to meet anyone she doesn’t know. I don’t think she’s quite ready to grasp the concept of biological vs non-biological parents, but in a year or two I think she’ll be there.

So in preparation, how did your parents tell you? How did you tell your children? What was the reaction? Anything you wish would’ve been done differently? Any insight at all would be very helpful. I just want to give my sweetheart the most security I can while still being honest with her.

I sure appreciate your help!

Yes, my mom divorced when I was 5. I always remembered my dad though. Even when my dad did not visit for a few years my mom would show us pictures of us with our dad and bring him up at important times. It is very important to know where you came from . Even though I had wonderful stepfathers I still needed to know where I came from .

Thank you for sharing, Seraphim.

I don’t think she’s quite ready to grasp the concept of biological vs non-biological parents, but in a year or two I think she’ll be there.

 

So in preparation, how did your parents tell you? How did you tell your children? What was the reaction? Anything you wish would’ve been done differently?

My mom told me that I was adopted when I was 5. I came in from playing, she sat me down on the arm of the couch, and then she explained what adoption was--basically that I was not related to them, but to people I had never met. It was really simple and easy. Other people (non-adopted classmates, etc.) had more trouble dealing with it than I did!

My mom told me that I was adopted when I was 5. I came in from playing, she sat me down on the arm of the couch, and then she explained what adoption was--basically that I was not related to them, but to people I had never met. It was really simple and easy. Other people (non-adopted classmates, etc.) had more trouble dealing with it than I did!

My bio parents raised me so I can’t relate, but I would speculate you handled it better at 5 than you would’ve later, right? I think I would. No (or less) feeling of deception?

My bio parents raised me so I can’t relate, but I would speculate you handled it better at 5 than you would’ve later, right? I think I would. No (or less) feeling of deception?

My best friend in high school found out she was adopted when she was 14 she has held a grudge against her adoptive parents ever since and hasn’t talk to them in 20 years .

I remember hearing about books designed for little kids that explain in simple age appropriate language what adoption is and how the child was chosen by who he/she considers to be her mom and dad. Perhaps google for such a book or check the local book store.

I'd incorporate the telling into an age appropriate story that makes her feel proud and special. The earlier you familiarize her with her story, the more comfort she is likely to adopt with it. This removes unnecessary secretiveness that can prompt resentment and mistrust later.

My bio parents raised me so I can’t relate, but I would speculate you handled it better at 5 than you would’ve later, right? I think I would. No (or less) feeling of deception?

I would speculate the same.

I believe the earlier the better. I think it's more important that her non-biological father considers her like his own daughter. It's better having good non-biological parents than having bad biological parents. Look Jeff Bezos for example or jibs for that matter :)

Does he have regular visitation rights? Does he pay child support? Has your husband legally adopted her? Does her biological father want an ongoing relationship and regular visitation with her? Have you tried the age-appropriate books that deal with a multitude of family compositions? They may help start the conversation in the form of a kindergarten reading book.

Her bio-Father has asked to see her for the first time in over a year. my husband is her Daddy.

I LOVE the book/story idea, thank you guys for that suggestion!!

Wiseman, he has no rights or visitation established and as far as I’m aware, he has no interest. He seems happy with his yearly check-in via text, which is okay with me as he’s not exactly a good role model and really has no clue how to be a parent. He does not pay child support, and we both prefer it that way. He couldn’t afford it, I don’t need it, and I’d rather he not go to jail for nonpayment. We have discussed adoption with our local court, just didn’t receive much direction so we are still gathering info. Bio-father has happily agreed to sign his rights away so there will be no issues there (he knows and likes my husband, and is grateful for his role in my daughters life).

It’s really the best situation it could be, we’re just coming up on the time to explain reality to my daughter and it’s a difficult situation to navigate. My parents are still happily married, as are most of the couples in my family, so this is pretty foreign to me.

Does he have regular visitation rights? Does he pay child support? Has your husband legally adopted her? Does her biological father want an ongoing relationship and regular visitation with her? Have you tried the age-appropriate books that deal with a multitude of family compositions? They may help start the conversation in the form of a kindergarten reading book.

I LOVE the book/story idea, thank you guys for that suggestion!!

 

Wiseman, he has no rights or visitation established and as far as I’m aware, he has no interest. He seems happy with his yearly check-in via text, which is okay with me as he’s not exactly a good role model and really has no clue how to be a parent. He does not pay child support, and we both prefer it that way. He couldn’t afford it, I don’t need it, and I’d rather he not go to jail for nonpayment. We have discussed adoption with our local court, just didn’t receive much direction so we are still gathering info. Bio-father has happily agreed to sign his rights away so there will be no issues there (he knows and likes my husband, and is grateful for his role in my daughters life).

 

It’s really the best situation it could be, we’re just coming up on the time to explain reality to my daughter and it’s a difficult situation to navigate. My parents are still happily married, as are most of the couples in my family, so this is pretty foreign to me.

If he has no interest in her, do you think its in her best interest for him to visit her? I mean, could you talk with her about it and gradually introduce the idea and when you feel SHE is ready, you let them meet? vs on his timeline. Whether its when SHE verbally asked to meet him (that could be a few years) or when you felt she understood enough and it wouldn't be a shock. I think quickly bringing her to speed and then BAM introducing him would be tough.

I would speak to an adoption agency that handles family/step-parent adoptions. They will guide you completely. Its not an expensive process.

I really think that just like a completely adopted kid, she should have been told from the word go about the fact that her daddy was daddy but when she was born, she had a different father. So instead of it being a deep and heavy thing - it was just a lot of small comments over time and she never "didn't know".

If he is signing his rights away, why does he want to see her? Is he going to ask to see her after he does that? You say she thinks of your husband as “dad”—The last time he saw her, did she know he was her dad?

If he is signing his rights away, why does he want to see her? Is he going to ask to see her after he does that? You say she thinks of your husband as “dad”—The last time he saw her, did she know he was her dad?

It may not be a bad idea to allow him to see her as often as he's willing to participate. This way he'll be viewed by your daughter as some friendly and beneficent person in the background of her life rather than someone you kept away from her. She's less likely to resent you later if you've never deprived her of knowing her bio father.

Treating this whole thing as some big secret is the thing that can get you into trouble with daughter later. I'd skip that, especially while she's young enough to be taught that it's all 'okay' instead of trying to pull off some big coverup she'll feel betrayed by later in life.