Browneyegirl Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 I will try to make this short. I’m 31 female dating 34 male for 4 months. Everything was going great until about a month ago. I have some issues. I have high expectations and believe I deserve the best. My boyfriend smokes a pack of cigarettes a day smokes weed all day for pain, has a 2 year old that never listens. I go above and beyond for my boyfriend. He has a seasonal job and We live in Canada so once it snows he won’t have a job. These things all concern me. He is living in his friends house renting a room. Forgot to pay his vehicle registration and has been using my vehicle up until a week ago when I said that can’t happen anymore when I broke up with him the first time. He’s also unhealthy he throws up almost every morning. But I love him a lot and can’t picture not being with him. All these things are fixable issues he can get a better job registration he can quit smoking and doing weed and he can go to the doctor. So do I get back together or do I leave it as ended? As I was very happy up until he didn’t have his car. I just need a second opinion that isn’t from my friends and family everyone says I deserve better because he doesn’t show appreciation in the sense he can’t buy me anything cause money is tight. He is extremely affectionate tho. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 Dating 16 weeks is precisely to find out all these read flags and deal breakers, so you can end things before getting too involved. With all due respect, these characteristics you mention don't sound like "I have high expectations and believe I deserve the best." End it and stop enabling guys like this. smokes a pack of cigarettes a day smokes weed all day. once it snows he won’t have a job. Forgot to pay his vehicle registration and has been using my vehicle up until a week ago He’s also unhealthy he throws up almost every morning. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 I will try to make this short. I’m 31 female dating 34 male for 4 months. Everything was going great until about a month ago. I have some issues. I have high expectations and believe I deserve the best. My boyfriend smokes a pack of cigarettes a day smokes weed all day for pain, has a 2 year old that never listens. I go above and beyond for my boyfriend. He has a seasonal job and We live in Canada so once it snows he won’t have a job. These things all concern me. He is living in his friends house renting a room. Forgot to pay his vehicle registration and has been using my vehicle up until a week ago when I said that can’t happen anymore when I broke up with him the first time. He’s also unhealthy he throws up almost every morning. But I love him a lot and can’t picture not being with him. All these things are fixable issues he can get a better job registration he can quit smoking and doing weed and he can go to the doctor. So do I get back together or do I leave it as ended? As I was very happy up until he didn’t have his car. I just need a second opinion that isn’t from my friends and family everyone says I deserve better because he doesn’t show appreciation in the sense he can’t buy me anything cause money is tight. He is extremely affectionate tho. 2 year old doesn't listen? Welcome to the world of 2 year olds where the main vocabulary word is "NOOO" - and the second common word is nononononono. its called the terrible twos. You can't date a man KNOWING he is a pot smoker with no car then say 'Hmpph...I deserve the BEST. Because i do sooo much for him, he should be the best" Sorry, its not like throwing money into building a boat. I would not care if a guy was renting somewhere but "forgettting" to pay insurance? You don't need a man who showers you with gifts, but you do need someone who is a responsible adult who has his basic needs covered. I would move on -- its just common sense. BTW, people who have seasonal jobs in the summer make a mint plowing snow, working at a school or selling christmas trees or work seasonally in retail during the winter. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 I'd leave it "as ended." That said, he's a 34 y/o adult who knows right from wrong, yet refuses to accept responsibilities for his own actions. In any event it's time to set your standards at a higher level, and at the same time admit that it's not your job to raise him. Link to comment
Matt0050 Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 You deserve a "normal" relationship and what you have is far from normal. Despite all the hype about pot helping with pain, as a long term smoker in my 20's with back and knee pain, I can tell you it's BS. If you use it everyday, it's just an excuse to get high. The only way it helped my pain was if I didn't smoke for several weeks and then the first hit would help slightly, once you get your tolerance up again, it does nothing for pain, in my experience. Your boyfriend is addicted (yes pot is addictive) and that leads to laziness, procrastination and disorganisation...... I've been there. I might be a hypocrite, but I would never date someone who smokes pot regularly, especially on a daily basis. Walk away and find a man who's motivated in life and doesn't need pot as a crutch..... You will be so much happier. Link to comment
Browneyegirl Posted October 21, 2018 Author Share Posted October 21, 2018 So the fact that everything can be changed on his part shouldn’t matter? I was extremely happy with him a month ago. All these things are fixable Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 But you can't fix them and he doesn't want to or he would have already done so.All these things are fixable Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 So the fact that everything can be changed on his part shouldn’t matter? I was extremely happy with him a month ago. All these things are fixable So has he told you he wants to quit smoking, quit pot and start being more responsible with bills? Or are those things YOU want him to do? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 You have only been dating this guy a few months. The guy sounds like a complete loser. Do you want to support/mother him for the rest of your life? Do you usually date men with nothing going for them? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 So the fact that everything can be changed on his part shouldn’t matter? I was extremely happy with him a month ago. All these things are fixable How could you be happy with that scenario? You need to raise your standards. If you believed that you "deserved the best" you would never have gotten involved with this guy. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 So the fact that everything can be changed on his part shouldn’t matter? I was extremely happy with him a month ago. All these things are fixable Yes they are fixable but he has to want to fix them and then actually do the work to fix them. He sounds lazy to me and a drug addict on top of it. Daily weed smoking is not conducive to a productive life. He cant manage to pay his car ins., so he bums your car til you get fed up. Tell me why you love this guy so much and cant bear to be without him. He doesnt sound like much of a prize in his current state. Unless and until he gets his act together you should stay broken up. Look for a guy who is useful and productive and conducts his life in a sensible way. Expect more for yourself. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 I feel sorry for the kid. The father will not seek full-time employment and smokes weed 24/7. I'm surprised he has custody. Link to comment
Matt0050 Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 So the fact that everything can be changed on his part shouldn’t matter? I was extremely happy with him a month ago. All these things are fixable If this guy truly loved and wanted to be with you, he would have gone into panic mode the first time you left him. He would have had a critical look at his life and habits and realised he wasn't being the best man he could be for you. If you weren't special enough for him change the first two times, he's never going to change for you. He's living the life of a wayward teenager who's having fun. Most mature and start knuckling down in their mid 20's. Your boyfriend is well way to 40 and still hasn't matured. As I said, I smoked pot everyday in my mid 20's. I used it as a crutch to deal with my wife's infidelity. Eventually, I decided It wasn't healthy for my mental well being, my children, my marriage or anything going on in my life. I lacked the motivation to function like a productive human being. By the time I was your boyfriends age, I'd turned my life around (apart from my now ex's cheating). I owned my house, I had a successful business, I was comfortable enough to pursue expensive hobbies like Motorsport and horse riding and I was able to give my children anything they needed to be happy in life. None of this would be possible if I kept smoking pot!!.... That is your biggest issue with this guy, and to be honest if he smokes daily, you have never met the real person he is as his personality is clouded by a drug induced haze. Link to comment
Browneyegirl Posted October 21, 2018 Author Share Posted October 21, 2018 Ok yes I understand everyone’s point of view lol and I agree. You can still fall in love with a person even tho they have flaws. He is and has been working on quitting smoking and quitting weed and is looking for a better more permanent job. And I think the lazy comes from the weed. Without those things he would be a good guy. And it’s understandable not realizing your registration expired because in Alberta they now don’t send out reminders anymore and several people have gotten tickets because of it. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 Ok yes I understand everyone’s point of view lol and I agree. You can still fall in love with a person even tho they have flaws. He is and has been working on quitting smoking and quitting weed and is looking for a better more permanent job. And I think the lazy comes from the weed. Without those things he would be a good guy. And it’s understandable not realizing your registration expired because in Alberta they now don’t send out reminders anymore and several people have gotten tickets because of it. You can fall in love with a cat, a married person, a convicted felon. What does that have to do with finding a healthy relationship? Of course humans have flaws. What are your particular standards and values and does this guy meet those standards and values? The lazy doesn't come from the weed. He chooses to smoke weed and chooses all the downsides of that choice. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 Stop looking for projects. This guy is a man child who has no ambition in his life. Honestly, I do not understand why you would date someone like this from the start. You should not be with someone who has to change. He would have to do a personality and lifestyle makeover to be a suitable partner and parent. Your judgement is really poor. Have you friends and family been telling you the same? Are we all wrong? Stop making excuses. Either accept him for the way he is, or move on. Damn! You have already broken up twice in 4 months. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 If he was a completely different person he'd be a great partner for you! Except...he is who he is. Exactly how is he "working on" quitting cigarettes and pot? A treatment plan through a medical professional? Counseling? The patch or prescription medication? And how is he supposed to get a better job when he's a pot smoker? Most companies drug test. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 So the fact that everything can be changed on his part shouldn’t matter? I was extremely happy with him a month ago. All these things are fixable Yeah...no. Skip the fixer upper and tell him he can contact you if he ever gets his act together. People are not projects. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 The guy sounds like a complete loser. Do you want to support/mother him for the rest of your life? Do you usually date men with nothing going for them? You need to raise your standards. If you believed that you "deserved the best" you would never have gotten involved with this guy. I feel sorry for the kid. The father will not seek full-time employment and smokes weed 24/7. I'm surprised he has custody. I totally agree with ALL of the above. This guy doesn't sound like a winner at all - certainly no prize. Only dating 4 months and all I see is dysfunction. Feel so bad for the little kid, one can't help but wonder what the future holds for the little one. Really sad. If he really wanted to change his bad habits he would have done so. YOU can't change him. Ever. This is who he is. You are seeing the real deal with him and if you find that attractive, well then, I am not sure exactly how you can call that "high standards". Link to comment
saluk Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 I think you should stick to your guns and trust yourself. You've already walked away twice. You need to be with someone who is harder to walk away from. Link to comment
No1 Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 I will try to make this short. I’m 31 female dating 34 male for 4 months. Everything was going great until about a month ago. I have some issues. I have high expectations and believe I deserve the best. My boyfriend smokes a pack of cigarettes a day smokes weed all day for pain, has a 2 year old that never listens. I go above and beyond for my boyfriend. He has a seasonal job and We live in Canada so once it snows he won’t have a job. These things all concern me. He is living in his friends house renting a room. Forgot to pay his vehicle registration and has been using my vehicle up until a week ago when I said that can’t happen anymore when I broke up with him the first time. He’s also unhealthy he throws up almost every morning. But I love him a lot and can’t picture not being with him. All these things are fixable issues he can get a better job registration he can quit smoking and doing weed and he can go to the doctor. So do I get back together or do I leave it as ended? As I was very happy up until he didn’t have his car. I just need a second opinion that isn’t from my friends and family everyone says I deserve better because he doesn’t show appreciation in the sense he can’t buy me anything cause money is tight. He is extremely affectionate tho. If you love him and want to stay with him, then accept that this is his life and don't try to change him. And accept that what you are complaining about is not going to change. This is who he is. Or you can not accept it and let him go. The situation is not complicated. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 It sounds like you are going to jump into this with both feet. Hopefully you have a lot of cash and energy to keep him, because of course all these "flaws" are not his fault. Can you pay for his registration, court fees, tickets and maybe a new car? You can still fall in love with a person even tho they have flaws. it’s understandable not realizing your registration expired. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 So the fact that everything can be changed on his part shouldn’t matter? I was extremely happy with him a month ago. All these things are fixable He should have ALREADY wanted to quit smoking and pot because having a child was a wake up call for him. He did not. He is not going to do it to keep a girlfriend. Things that can be changed: Man decides to grow a beard because his girlfriend, who loves him the way he is even if he doesn't have a beard, really digs beards. Or stops cooking with dairy because his girlfriend is allergic. Or decides to take up biking because his girlfriend likes to do it and he wants to spend more time with her. None of this changes his personality...and the key word "because he WANT to" things that do NOT change: Guy has an addictive personality. Go find yourself a guy who is not a burned out loser, who has no kids, or if he does, busts his rear to provide them the safest and most loving environment possible. He has nothing to offer you. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 You say you have high standards, yet you willingly signed up for a relationship with a man who has lower standards than yours? This is who he is, but you are wanting him to change? That's really unfair to him, isn't? That makes as much sense as him wanting you to start smoking, mismanaging your finances and adopting bad parenting skills. This is what dating is for. 4 months in and you accept who the man is standing in front of you, or you decide you are not a match. It's ok to love someone and at the same time recognize you aren't compatible. Leave on a high note, instead of staying to try to change him and getting frustrated with what you end up with. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 Month 4 is still the honeymoon period. Imagine this relationship at the year mark when he REALLY lets his hair down. If putting his best foot forward is being a pothead chain smoker (that his young child inhales!) who forgets to pay his bills, i cannot imagine what he is like when his worst foot is forward. Link to comment
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