Is it worth apologizing/mending the friendship?

I (24 year old female) met a guy (27 year old male) in June 2017 at EDC Vegas (a rave). We hit it off immediately and had a lot in common. We lived across the country, but became really good friends and shared a lot with each other, and coincidentally even had some mutual friends. If there's a such thing as soulmates in terms of friendship, we were it. There were moments we could finish each other's sentences and it actually felt like we were reading each other's minds at point. We met up at a few other raves throughout 2017. Just to be clear, this was a totally platonic friendship.

Early in 2018, I flew out to LA for vacation (where he lives) and after my stay at a hotel was up, he offered for me to stay in the guest room of his house. I guess the room was empty for quite some time (he lived with 2 other people I also really liked). For about 3 months, I stayed out there, threw their landlord some money and I can honestly say I had some of the most fun of my life. He talked to the landlord and it was agreed I could move in permanently, but first I had to go back home to North Carolina and get my stuff. I gathered all my things and drove my stuff across the country, spending lots of money and taking about 2 weeks total.

For some reason once I got back it was like a switch went off and the whole vibe of the house was different. My friend had eaten all of my food I left for when I made it back (stuff like expensive protein powder, nothing that would rot) and when I commented on it he didn't apologize and was literally like "yeah, what did you expect?"He was also watching a friend's dog at the time who was super aggressive and made me feel very uncomfortable in the house, to the point that I stayed in an Airbnb my first few days back when I was supposed to be settling into my new room. Once again, I tried to talk to him about this and he didn't apologize, though he did insist the friend take it back. Then, one of the other roommates went into my room without asking to borrow something. He also lent my pillow out to a friend of his without asking while I was in the Airbnb which is gross and rude. I felt really unwelcome and sad, and basically packed all my stuff and left after a week of events like this happening. Fortunately the landlord was cool and let me out of the lease. I took these events as a sign not to stay there.

While I still think these events were grounds to be upset, I was being influenced by multiple other people's opinions at the time. The opinions were of the following people: 1. my controlling ex boyfriend, who I called crying when this all happened and didn't know who else to talk to. He basically told me I should pack my stuff, leave w/o explanation, and never look back. 2. A friend of his who told me that the guy had lied and made it out like I was sleeping with him (which I never did.) He did show me texts of him referring to me as "his girl" which pissed me off, though I do think his friend may have been trying to sleep with me and might not have been fully trustworthy.

I calmly texted him asking if he had been lying to people about sleeping together, and he responded in a really trashy way. He literally said "No, I've been smashing another chick named Eve, why would I lie about that?" I found the response really rude and gross, and didn't feel he was genuinely interested in talking things out. So, I told him that his response proved he was trash and not to contact me again.

Sorry if this post is confusing. I eventually moved back to North Carolina because I couldn't find an equally good deal on a room. I do miss the good times we had together and will be moving back to LA this winter (not with the same guy obviously) and was considering apologizing for calling him trash. I know he sounds horrible based on this post but he did a lot for me when I was out there, drove me everywhere I needed to go, and we had a lot of fun together. Its just hard for me to tell if I genuinely had a right to lash out or if I was heavily influenced by what others were saying. Any advice is appreciated.

Well, I've noticed that LA people act nice most of the time, but they hide their true feelings, they may not mean what they say, and deep down they also have a nasty streak. There's a funny theory that the country's nuts kept being kicked out of their towns until they went as far West as they could go and wound up in LA. It's a weird place. I think you just ran into a pretty typical LA person. Don't worry about apologizing. He might not even remember any slight on your part, or may not care. If you do run into him, just act casual and you can still go to raves with him, but don't get close enough that he can hurt you.

I think you need to just let him go. I can't see why you would apologize to him after this whole idea crashed and burned so badly, largely at his hands, from the sounds of it. He has taken no ownership in this, it appears.

No wonder your ex told you to leave. How would you have reacted if he - or any other friend - had called you up, crying about how badly it was going? Of course he told you to call it a day. I don't think he was trying to influence you as much as just give you the most logical advice to get out of there. But I am curious why you didn't know who else to turn to - where are your friends?

Look, you discovered this guy's real character only after you moved in. It's unfortunate, but he didn't appear to have much respect for you, your belongings or your space. He also sounds immature if he brags about "smashing" some other "chick" - seriously, Jersey Shore-wannabe. I would consider this as a friendship that only worked from afar, and thus is not one worth saving.

I would not reach out. The bad outweighs the good, and he clearly does not value you as a friend.

I would lose his number,

Hey, I'm from Australia so can't really comment on the character of "L.A. people", but I guess I can try to give advice just from what you've written here. I'm sorry if I'm out of line to ask this, since you didn't mention it yourself, but were drugs and alcohol involved in these interactions you had with this guy at the raves?

I don't ask with any judgement because I've done ecstasy and a bit of acid myself and do drink alcohol. I only ask because I know it's fairly common to take drugs at raves and I also know from my own experience that drugs can often alter our perception of other people and our relationship to them. I know that for example MDMA/ecstacy can make us feel really close to someone and like we have all these great feelings about them, which might be only drug induced.

The reason why I'm saying this is just to ask, do you know this guy really well or did you maybe have the wrong perception of him? I mean, if you mostly only saw him at raves and the rest of the time I presume you only interacted virtually (social media, etc.), are you sure you really had that "soulmate bond" with him? Also just asking out of curiosity, do you find this guy attractive or have any feelings for him at all?

I have to say that regarding what happened with you and this guy when you moved in may not be 100% his fault. I totally agree that him eating all your food even including protein powder while you were gone and then not even apologising is NOT OK. You definitely can't do that just because your housemate is away and even if you want to eat their food, you have to ask their permission first. He should have replaced/reimbursed you for the food and apologised.

Regarding the aggressive dog, I guess he was watching it while you were away and maybe didn't realise the dog would be aggressive to you. Maybe he didn't exactly have to aplogise about the dog coz it wasn't his dog, but he did tell his friend to take it away. So in that sense he did the right thing and fixed the situation.

In terms of whether he lied to people that he was sleeping with you, he denied it so I guess it may or may not be true. I don't understand why you got so mad and called him trash just because he said something like: "Why would I lie about sleeping with you, I'm smashing another chick". I mean why is that gross? Sure, the language he used was crude but all he was saying is that he was sleeping with someone else and he didn't lie (which may be true). Unless you were jealous I don't see why it made you so annoyed.

In terms of the pillow, it wasn't your guy friend that lent it to someone, it was another housemate. So that's nothing to do with him. So in my opinion the only thing that was his fault really was eating the food. I think he didn't really do anything wrong in other ways so perhaps you did over react a little. But if you were getting bad vibes from your guy friend and the other housemates and uncomfortable with everything that happened then that's understandable.

You did the right thing and got good advice to pack up and leave. This club dude is not responsible for you, your moving costs and hassle or your stuff when you're not there. Nor is he responsible for your discomfort once you got there. Unfortunately you simply make a rash and bad decision.

This is a house full of club-going partying strangers akin to a frat house so you should never have kept your stuff there unattended/unlocked.

It sounds like a lot of club drugs influenced these feeling, the decision to hang out for months and worse just move in with these people then subsequently the "rude and gross" behaviors you encountered.

Why are you moving to LA? Is this work, college? Unless you are desperate for friends when you get there and need someone to drive, help you out etc., why not make some decent civilized friends?

packed all my stuff and left after a week of events like this happening.

 

told me I should pack my stuff, leave w/o explanation, and never look back.

 

I eventually moved back to North Carolina because I couldn't find an equally good deal on a room.

 

will be moving back to LA this winter.

Time and time again I've seen friends who are roommates turn into enemies. Two people have to be on the exact same page for the roommate thing to work, I imagine it's rare. I'd rather live in a tiny studio and meet up with my friends when I want to than worry about my food being eaten by him/her, and all the other infractions.

Why would you be moving back to a place with such a high cost of living, and you couldn't even find an affordable place when you were there? You got along fine with him when he wasn't a roommate, so I don't see why you can't go back to being friends if that's your choice.

I agree that you should leave it alone. It reminds me of my younger days. This was one of those situational friendships where the person is good for fun temporary things like a vacation or a party but your personalities don't mesh well for the long term. It doesn't mean that either of you are bad people but that its easy to be accommodating for a couple of days or months. From the outset you identified the lines that you didn't want crossed and he ignored them.

As to the soulmate aspect, finishing each others sentences etc, its fun to have lots in common but it isn't enough to sustain a friendship by itself. You also need someone who cares about your feelings and respects your boundaries.

Its just hard for me to tell if I genuinely had a right to lash out or if I was heavily influenced by what others were saying. Any advice is appreciated.

I think you were right to move out. No matter what your friend did for you before you moved in, your roommates had no respect for you and your stuff while you lived there.

As for lashing out: It probably wasn't the best thing to do, but only because you feel bad about saying it. If you apologize to him, you'll just open communication with someone who treated you badly.

I felt really unwelcome and sad, and basically packed all my stuff and left after a week of events like this happening. ... I took these events as a sign not to stay there.

Good, very smart of you. I'd take it one step further. I'd take the guy's mistreatment as a sign that vacation friendships don't necessarily translate all that well into real life. When we vacation we're in a protective party bubble that colors everything with fun and pseudo intimacy. Real life tends to pop that bubble and show us exactly who we're dealing with.

I'd skip mending this. What's in that for you beyond setting yourself up for more mistreatment? The guy has shown you who he is, and it's not someone you can trust to ever look out for you.

I'd avoid badmouthing and burning bridges with anyone from this experience with whom you may cross paths with in the future, but I wouldn't encourage this guy (or anyone like him) to enter your scope again. Pretend that a good friend told you this story, then follow the good advice you would give to her or him from an objective and wise perspective.

Head high, and stay focused on placing good judgment over sentimentality. You will thank yourself later.