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Thread: Seperated but living together

  1. #11
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    Hi its been a while so thought id update. We are still separated and ex is moving out in 2 weeks. Although we have not been together for 7 months we still stayed in same bed (wierd i know). Q is. Is it normal for us both to be upset about it . We talk and are still friends but when the subject of her moving comes up we both say "i dont want to talk about it".
    Do you think it will get easier once she has officially moved out.
    Has anyone else had these strange feelings, some times i think it would be easier if we hated each other

    Thanks in advance

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. Make sure you sever all financial ties, get her mail forwarded, get All her stuff out so there is no need for her to return. Reset All your passwords on all accounts and devises. Make moving day as quick, logistical and unemotional as possible. Deal with any residual emotions by getting some short term therapy to sort all this out, deal with the breakup and reflect on your role in enabling alcoholics. It won't be easy at first living alone and adjusting but in the long run and with therapy you will realize life with an alcoholic is a waste of time. Start engaging in healthy productive activities to make up for all the time you wasted on this.
    Originally Posted by Darcus30
    ex is moving out in 2 weeks.
    Do you think it will get easier once she has officially moved out.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Darcus30
    Hi its been a while so thought id update. We are still separated and ex is moving out in 2 weeks. Although we have not been together for 7 months we still stayed in same bed (wierd i know). Q is. Is it normal for us both to be upset about it . We talk and are still friends but when the subject of her moving comes up we both say "i dont want to talk about it".
    Do you think it will get easier once she has officially moved out.
    Has anyone else had these strange feelings, some times i think it would be easier if we hated each other

    Thanks in advance
    Yes, this is logical. What is difficult is letting go of the future. Not the actual future, but the ideas and visions in your mind's eye of how it was going to be.

    You were wrong about that. Each of you was mistaken: together, you do not make that future a reality. Its okay.

    Faced with the reality of being together, you had two options. Accept the experience as it was, and make whatever life together unfolded from that, or choose a new path. You've each chosen to start fresh.

    Change is scary. That's okay.

    Focus on creating a NOW that you value, including resources that give you choices in the future such as skills, savings, and relationships. The future will solve itself.

  4. #14
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    Thanks for your replys. Its just hard, just feel quite depressed at the moment. Hopefully will get better.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Darcus30
    Thanks for your replys. Its just hard, just feel quite depressed at the moment. Hopefully will get better.
    It will get better! Use the down feeling to gain understanding. When we feel deep pain, we often also find the will and the path to update some part of ourselves - a part that has been resistent to change.

    In this way, the pain is a sort of gift. A reminder that the hard work of self awareness is worthwhile.

  7. #16
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    Thank you for all your advice. She went on monday. We both cried our eyes out. Both told each other we love each other and always will.its just so hard staying in our family home that we were meant to grow old in together.
    I miss her so much. We have said we will still see each other and both agreed to stay over at each others houses (no sexual) just because we miss sitting and watching films and trashy tv together.
    Wishing you all well. I pray for my sanity and sometimes it worries me how i feel.
    Work seems to take my mind off it for a while. Its coming home thats the problem.
    Jas anyone else ever come out the other side?

  8. #17
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    You may find that very soon these agreements will go out the window as you both move on.

  9. #18
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    As always thank you for your responses. Its now Saturday morning and i have woke feeling really down and upset. Why are weekends worse than in the week? I feel really low.
    Keep looking around the house (im keeping the home we shared)
    Seeing things with memories. How long does this take to start healing? Im reluctant to go to doctor as he will prob put me on tablets.
    Please help

  10. #19
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    Anybody out there with advice please 😌😔

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Darcus30
    As always thank you for your responses. Its now Saturday morning and i have woke feeling really down and upset. Why are weekends worse than in the week? I feel really low.
    Keep looking around the house (im keeping the home we shared)
    Seeing things with memories. How long does this take to start healing? Im reluctant to go to doctor as he will prob put me on tablets.
    Please help
    I've always found it helpful to focus on building stronger bonds with the people in my life who matter to me. Committing to help them with projects, chores, errands or treating them to a meal or event had me making our time together about them-not-me. This prevented people from worrying about me while I was able to create great memories for them during the time that I was incapable of enjoying much myself.

    Over time I recognized that this was the greatest gift I could have given to myself. It grounded me and helped me to 'normalize' in ways that moved my focus beyond ruminating and back into living. I began to feel valued, and this helped me to start valuing my Self.

    Emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around. If you wait until you 'feel like' immersing yourself in the lives of others, you won't get there. You'll only stagnate and drill yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of. So skip that. Rebuild your bonds, form new ones, and after you've served other people, you won't feel squirmy about asking one or two of the most fun ones to come to your home and help you to rearrange furniture and decor into an inspiring place to make new memories.

    None of this means that you can't indulge your grief with an occasional bout of the boo-hoos with a tissue box. It only means that your time for that will be limited as you move your focus onto your next commitment for the day. You'll be more inclined to reduce wallowing and switch it over into build-up mode where you talk yourself into the psychology of service and showing UP for people. This will raise your bar, because keeping your commitments is an accomplishment. The act of listening to others when you don't feel 'on' to being an entertainer will move your ego out of your own way, and you'll discover how to bond with people in ways that can only be experienced rather than imagined.

    Head high.

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