Communication breakdown

I love my husband dearly, but we do not communicate very well. We are both passionate people and both have busy jobs. If we argue, I remain quiet whilst he tells me everything that I do to upset him, and he stops me mid-flow to say 'stop right there!' and will not listen to some of things that I tell him that upset me. Recently we have been going through a bad patch - I am self-employed and shattered, and he has a new higher position, which means that he is emotionally drained too. Last week we went to a concert, and in my mind I had planned an amazing night. We met some friends in a bar and he pushed me aside as he started to compliment the woman (his reasoning was that, this was not intentional, but as a way of complimenting someone slightly older who looked good). I'm not offended by the sentiment, just the body language. Then when at the concert, he started chatting to the couple next t him, turned his back on me, and didn't interact with me for a good 15-20 minutes, at which point he excitedly pointed out to me their amazing journey to the concert. At this point I had disengaged. I had given him several squeezes to the knee, but no response back. In the pub afterwards, I tried to speak to him, but he turned away. At the hotel afterwards, he proceeded to tell me everything that was so rubbish about me, and I did the same back. In between, there was an incident with the friends that we were with - the woman was so drunk that I was the only thing keeping her up, she stumbled and fell down 3 steps, taking me with her - I have a torn muscle at the back of my knee, in pain and on pain meds/crutches as a result, so my anger was way up high. Me and my husband eventually talked, and the agreement that we came to was that I would tell my friend that she had spoilt my evening. We have spent a week apart and wanted to spend this weekend just living and spending some quality time together. Friday night - my husband said, my back started to tense (as soon as he spent time with me). I am apathetic (which is a dangerous place to be). I cook, I shop, I clean, I work, I am tired. I could do with a balanced view of what to do and where to go with this.

Hi there RedNovice,

I think it is great that you had the courage to post on this forum. I am sorry that things are not going so well with you and your husband. My opinion is that you could really benefit from therapy. It is simply amazing how therapy can transform lives, and from what I am reading in your post, there are some issues that may be best be worked through with a trained professional.

I just want to ask about a couple of things in your post that jumped out at me:

- the fact that you had imagined an amazing night with your husband - expectations can cause so many problems because it sets you up for disappointment. In my therapy, I have learnt a lot about mindfulness and living in the HERE AND NOW - it can help to avoid a lot of that kind of pain of regret or expectation, with other benefits besides

-will it make you feel better to 'tell your friend that she spoilt your evening'? I don't see how engaging in negativity with your friends is heading your life in the direction you want it to go in?

The biggest factor with all of this, is that you can't change your husband. People do not change, unless they are on a path to changing themselves. Acceptance is observing without judgment, but it sounds to me as though your husband does not value you, and the best course of action in this case is to build your confidence by engaging in hobbies, interests and friendships outside of the relationship.

Once you feel confident in yourself, you may be able to build and maintain some boundaries with your husband and find your 'no line' or ways you will not tolerate being treated.

My first step would be therapy. Your relationship sounds damaging and stressful.

I am sorry you are going through this. Take care and stay in touch!

Chai :-)

Hi Chai. Thank you for your response. I totally agree that we could do with some therapy, as sometimes, when you are in the very centre of things, it is hard to find a clear path in your thoughts as to what you can do to help the situation.

You are so right in terms of expectations setting you up for disappointment, and I guess that I have spent most of my life trying to make things great for other people, that I sometimes forget that 1. It is about living in the here and now and 2. I always forget me in these scenarios - It is always about trying to please other people. It won't make me feel better telling my friend what pain she has caused me, this is at my husbands insistence as he thinks that she drinks too much (and she does) and now it has physically hurt someone.

My husband is a very intelligent man, but he is also very black and white in his judgements. He is moody, not interested in others feelings, only tangible things that you can fix, and can be quite rude to me, and people around him. He says that he 'values me' but saying it and meaning it are two totally different things. I do like you suggestion if building my confidence up. This relationship is currently not a very good one.

I may try some counselling on my own too.

Thank you for replying - you have been more than helpful.

:)

It sound like emotional abuse to me. You have an angry husband. He's rude to you. Argumentative. You're emotionally drained. He's controlling and domineering. Those are certainly some of the symptoms. You might benefit by talking to someone. In the meantime, you can Google "emotional abuse" and "emotional dependency" and see if any of these terms fit your marriage.

Try not to engage your husband in his arguments. Don't lower yourself to his level. That's what he's looking for. A good fight. My grandmother would tell people "don't be foolish" whenever someone tried to argue with her, and it defused the situation. Or you could remind your husband to "Be nice," or "You'll raise your blood pressure." Just something that would settle him down. And then you would be feeling that you have a little more control in your life. If you Google how to deal with an abusive spouse, there are some additional tips you can try.

could do with a balanced view of what to do and where to go with this.

Is there anything good about him and your relationship with him... sure doesn't sound it I'm sorry to say.

Me and my husband eventually talked, and the agreement that we came to was that I would tell my friend that she had spoilt my evening.

What do you hope to accomplish by doing this?