Having a difficult time with a recent move.

We moved states recently (6weeks ago). This move was not something I wanted, and I voiced my opinion and concerns about it frequently. They all went unnoticed, nor did my husband really care. He accepted a job, and put in his two weeks. I was stuck.

We have been here for 6 weeks, I’m having a really hard time coping with his decision, and may throw it in his face more than I should. I’ve tried to tone it down, and TRY to watch what I say. It’s just SO HARD! I hate this place so much. We had lived her before (it’s where MY family is, which is filled with drama) I never wanted to live here in the first place, nor wanted to raise a family here in a big city.

I’m trying to just suck it up and deal with it. I’m just having a very hard time with it. He doesn’t understand the stress I endure with my family. Nor does he understand this move hasn’t been easy on anyone. We were here barely a week before I had emergency surgery, than a week later our daughter went in for emergency surgery as well.

Our current situation is he is giving me the silent treatment. We got in a little tiff last night, he started complaining about his new job, and here in general. I responded with “ you’re the one who moved us all here! No one likes it, not even our 3 kids”.

Tonight’s issues- We went to dinner and a car cut me off, he ended up getting really upset (he has bad road rage) and flipped them off while screaming profanity at them. Which of course, ended with me getting the full blunt as the driver and they started screaming and trying to hit my car. Which, of course, ended up with us arguing and me throwing moving here back in his face eventually.

I’m at my breaking point and unaware of how to handle the situation, and my way of thinking of this place.

I guess I just have to suck it up. Watch what I say. Try not to get pissy living here. Wishful thinking he gets transferred elsewhere. Hope he understands and looks for a new job elsewhere. I don’t know. I’m just miserable

It sounds like it's more than just a move for you. It's a double whammy. You don't like being so close to your family, and your husband is emotionally abusive. Since you're stuck in this situation, there's not much you can do.

My only advice is that you move from denial to acceptance. Think about it, being abrasive and picking fights with your husband, who's just going to escalate things because of his anger, is not going to get you what you want. You're stuck there. He's stuck there. Neither of you like it. But you have to accept the situation. It's a done deal. Maybe you can commiserate together. You can stop being nasty. Maybe agree with him. Maybe tell him that you both have to make the best of a bad situation. You have the kids to think about. Them seeing you fighting leaves a bad impression on them and they may repeat what they see when they get into relationships.

Try finding some positive things about the place you've moved to. Maybe there's a Starbucks you can hang out in to get away from all the pressure. Maybe there's a lookout that you can drive to and just look at the city. Try finding some friends, or maybe find the one cousin you get on with and seek her out. Take the kids out to a park or to McDonalds. You've got to find things to do that will help you relieve the pressure you're feeling. And when you calm down, your husband may calm down. Or just ignore him, or just tell him he's right about whatever he says. He won't have anything to fight about.

It's within your power to make things better if you try. And remember, every day is a new day and you can start fresh even if you didn't succeed the day before.

No you don’t have to suck it up. Him accepting a new job AND moving should of been a joint family decision - especially if you are married and have three kids. Not only is it stressful on you, but you’re looking at getting your children acclimated to a new school and social environment. I would of firmly dug my heels on that.

I’m having a difficult time understanding how he was applying for other work without you knowing. Did you know about it beforehand? If so, why wasn’t moving discussed then and there (or was it)? Also why did he quit his last job?

I also would not put up with passenger behavior putting my life at risk. Some people who engage in road rage can carry. His behavior in my area will result in potentially having a gun pulled on him. You had every reason to be pissed off at him because he put yours and your kids lives in danger. My husband tried doing that same aggressive driving s** while I was pregnant twice, so I ended up refusing to ever ride with him. I even drove in a separate car to a place following him to get my message across that I wasn’t going to put up with any road rage while I was a passenger because I physically could not handled the stress while carrying our unborn child (and it made him stop quick). “I’m sorry you can’t seem to avoid road conflict, but my painful contractions of being overly anxious and fearful aren’t worth the drama.” It’s even better that he is forced to drive cautiously and defensively with a baby in the car 😁

But in all honesty, you best bet is marriage counseling since he is refusing to listen to you and be a team player. His selfishness IS costing your marriage. You guys can benefit having a third party person weighing in on the situation. And if he’s refusing to go to marriage counseling... are you able to move back without him?

I did know he was applying for different positions in the area we WERE living at. (TX)So we didn’t have to relocate. It’s never been a secret that I never wanted to move back here(NV) I even told him it’s a very hard NO. They didn’t have the medical team for our daughter. Nor did I want to be back around my family. Plus it’s way too hot.

He started looking elsewhere, which i knew about. He never told me he applied for anything here until after his 7th telephone interview/Skype interview. Only because, we came here to visit and help out in an Estate sale my mom had to do because her parents passed away. That’s when he mentioned everything to all my family members and myself that he had an in person interview with them.

At that point everyone in my family knew, and were so excited and I was put on the spot. If you know what I mean.

No you don’t have to suck it up. Him accepting a new job AND moving should of been a joint family decision - especially if you are married and have three kids. Not only is it stressful on you, but you’re looking at getting your children acclimated to a new school and social environment. I would of firmly dug my heels on that.

 

I’m having a difficult time understanding how he was applying for other work without you knowing. Did you know about it beforehand? If so, why wasn’t moving discussed then and there (or was it)? Also why did he quit his last job?

 

I also would not put up with passenger behavior putting my life at risk. Some people who engage in road rage can carry. His behavior in my area will result in potentially having a gun pulled on him. You had every reason to be pissed off at him because he put yours and your kids lives in danger. My husband tried doing that same aggressive driving s** while I was pregnant twice, so I ended up refusing to ever ride with him. I even drove in a separate car to a place following him to get my message across that I wasn’t going to put up with any road rage while I was a passenger because I physically could not handled the stress while carrying our unborn child (and it made him stop quick). “I’m sorry you can’t seem to avoid road conflict, but my painful contractions of being overly anxious and fearful aren’t worth the drama.” It’s even better that he is forced to drive cautiously and defensively with a baby in the car 😁

 

But in all honesty, you best bet is marriage counseling since he is refusing to listen to you and be a team player. His selfishness IS costing your marriage. You guys can benefit having a third party person weighing in on the situation. And if he’s refusing to go to marriage counseling... are you able to move back without him?

I’m really thinking I need to try to accept it. As hard as it will be. My main focus is finish my degree. Which I have a year left once I get accepted to the program here.

I just wish I had more of a say, and my thoughts and feeling are valid. I think he was extremely selfish in this move. I’m trying very hard no to resent him. Cause I don’t think there is going back from that.

I’m tired of bickering. Which all find anything to bicker to be honest. He took the job, promised 5a-1p hours, no weekends, or holidays . Perfect hours. I haven’t seen a 5-1 yet. It’s like 3a-5pm. He has works every weekend and will continue for the remainder of the year.

I just feel lied to about it all.

It sounds like it's more than just a move for you. It's a double whammy. You don't like being so close to your family, and your husband is emotionally abusive. Since you're stuck in this situation, there's not much you can do.

 

My only advice is that you move from denial to acceptance. Think about it, being abrasive and picking fights with your husband, who's just going to escalate things because of his anger, is not going to get you what you want. You're stuck there. He's stuck there. Neither of you like it. But you have to accept the situation. It's a done deal. Maybe you can commiserate together. You can stop being nasty. Maybe agree with him. Maybe tell him that you both have to make the best of a bad situation. You have the kids to think about. Them seeing you fighting leaves a bad impression on them and they may repeat what they see when they get into relationships.

 

Try finding some positive things about the place you've moved to. Maybe there's a Starbucks you can hang out in to get away from all the pressure. Maybe there's a lookout that you can drive to and just look at the city. Try finding some friends, or maybe find the one cousin you get on with and seek her out. Take the kids out to a park or to McDonalds. You've got to find things to do that will help you relieve the pressure you're feeling. And when you calm down, your husband may calm down. Or just ignore him, or just tell him he's right about whatever he says. He won't have anything to fight about.

 

It's within your power to make things better if you try. And remember, every day is a new day and you can start fresh even if you didn't succeed the day before.

Is he the sole provider for all of you and also you are in school?

Might his decision to move and to be working so much be about trying to make sure ends are met?

It’s never been a secret that I never wanted to move back here(NV) I even told him it’s a very hard NO. They didn’t have the medical team for our daughter. Nor did I want to be back around my family. Plus it’s way too hot.

In addition, Nevada has been rated the WORST education system in the entire country. I used to be a school teacher and was looking for a teaching job years ago when I finished school. NV and NM were desperate for teachers that they were coming over to the east coast to recruit. They were offering me a contract on the spot and would pay for my relocation expenses. Sounded too good to be true, so I held off, did the research by looking at testing scores and asked a couple teachers from online who were living and teaching in those states. It turned out that those states were underperforming standardize testing, there was high teacher turnover, the teachers who weren’t let go were extremely unhappy because they felt unsupported, they got fed up with their education system and were leaving to teach in other states. Essentially, both the students and teachers were set up for failure in a corrupted educational system.

I would of stayed in TX for your kids.

He never told me he applied for anything here until after his 7th telephone interview/Skype interview. Only because, we came here to visit and help out in an Estate sale my mom had to do because her parents passed away. That’s when he mentioned everything to all my family members and myself that he had an in person interview with them.

At that point everyone in my family knew, and were so excited and I was put on the spot.

Being put on spot is an understatement. He deliberately threw you under the bus. He knew what he was doing by getting your family involved. He KNEW you would disagree. And by informing your family before talking to you, he purposely did it so that you would go along with it or make you look like the bad guy if you dissented his idea.

Absolute manipulative d*k move. I would of dug my heels firmly and not agree with the move. He’s not acting like a team player in this marriage and is thinking about himself here than what is best for his family.

But like the above poster said, is he the sole provider? You still did not answer my question as to if you can move back to TX.

My main focus is finish my degree. Which I have a year left once I get accepted to the program here.

Is there a way for you to take the courses online? Can your original school do that or recommend any schools that can offer them online?

If you haven’t yet, I would start looking for a part-time job. In a worse case scenerio, start saving up in preparation to leave the marriage if he’s refusing marriage counseling. Your husband isn’t cooperating with you and your family.

Is this the first time he has pulled a move, where you disagreed with him he still carries out his plan? Does he ever comprise with you on anything? I’m starting to sense that this is not the first time.

Is this a marriage you want to stay a lifetime in? He didn't take your feelings into consideration for a major family move, and I believe you said your daughter wouldn't receive premium health care in the new location. That's egregious. If you don't plan on sticking around for more of the same, keep your focus on getting your degree so you can begin a career that will enable you to be independent and live where you want to live. Gradually separate your finances. Get your own bank account instead of a joint one. Don't have credit cards with his name on them. In many states, if you're married at least 10 years, you are entitle to half of his retirement funds at the point of the divorce, and entitled to half his pension if he has one.

Don't bring up the past in arguments, rehashing the same stuff over and over. Keep yourself busy with your education, establishing your children in their new location, and maybe making friends with other parents in the area. Limit time with toxic relatives and establish boundaries. Take care.

He is the sole provider for our family. I was working in TX for the school district. But with the move I haven’t found anything yet.

Currently we have our house on the market in TX. We could move back into. But with no job or anything I would have a hard time with making ends meet.

 

But like the above poster said, is he the sole provider? You still did not answer my question as to if you can move back to TX.

Currently we have our house on the market in TX. We could move back into. But with no job or anything I would have a hard time with making ends meet.

That’s not what I meant. The house maybe gone, but you could look into apartment living to save costs. It’s not ideal, but neither is your marriage.

There is no way I’m able to complete any of the remaining courses online. All of them have clinical that need to be completed.

I have been applying for many jobs, waiting to hear back on anything.

I do think this is his first time doing something I didn’t agree with, that was so BIG. He has done minor ones while out of town. Going to a casino when I asked him not too. Purchasing things on his credit card, when I told him we didn’t have the money for that (this one is rarely)

Is there a way for you to take the courses online? Can your original school do that or recommend any schools that can offer them online?

 

If you haven’t yet, I would start looking for a part-time job. In a worse case scenerio, start saving up in preparation to leave the marriage if he’s refusing marriage counseling. Your husband isn’t cooperating with you and your family.

 

Is this the first time he has pulled a move, where you disagreed with him he still carries out his plan? Does he ever comprise with you on anything? I’m starting to sense that this is not the first time.

He is the sole provider for our family. I was working in TX for the school district. But with the move I haven’t found anything yet.

Currently we have our house on the market in TX. We could move back into. But with no job or anything I would have a hard time with making ends meet.

I was wondering if finances was part of the reason he wanted to move the family? I imagine it could be quite expensive raising three kids and also one spouse is in school, plus extra expenses for medical costs etc.

I guess I am asking if it was more affordable to be where you are and sell your other house? Was it to stay above water for him?

I'm trying to figure out his reasons for wanting it when the rest of the family didn't and medical care was an issue too. Could he just not afford it all ?

Has he done this before, made unilateral decisions that are just "accepted" by you?

No, I wouldn't be ok with this. Not at all.

BTW, I'm from TX, and I lived in NV for a short time. A very short time. I came back as quickly as I could, so I get it.

Neither of you are on best behavior here - you are both contributing to the animosity.

please answer this:

We don't know if this is a pattern or not.

Has he done this before, made unilateral decisions that are just "accepted" by you?

 

 

 

No, I wouldn't be ok with this. Not at all.

 

BTW, I'm from TX, and I lived in NV for a short time. A very short time. I came back as quickly as I could, so I get it.

Were you aware he interviewed for out of state?

As far as your part "throwing it back at him" is NOT productive in ANY way shape or form!

Did you at any time to him say "honey, what about if we packed up all of our extra stuff and got ready to move it - in the meantime, you go out for a few weeks to make sure you like the job and in the meantime, i will put my resume in and try to get some interviews. We will move the kids at the end of the semester. That way, we are moving the kids when its the easiest transition for them.

you may not feel you have a pony in the race, but you did.

As far as now, you accepted the move - i think you are very resentful because you are not working and with your family. I suggest that you practice the art of good boundaries and don't hang out with them. You make new friends -- surely there are ways you can volunteer at school to meet other moms or join a meetup group. It might give you an advantage - when school staff get to know you they may alert you to job openings.

I would do my best and when you stop being combative towards your husband perhaps you can talk about things differently.

I was wondering if finances was part of the reason he wanted to move the family? I imagine it could be quite expensive raising three kids and also one spouse is in school, plus extra expenses for medical costs etc.

 

I guess I am asking if it was more affordable to be where you are and sell your other house? Was it to stay above water for him?

 

I'm trying to figure out his reasons for wanting it when the rest of the family didn't and medical care was an issue too. Could he just not afford it all ?

Yeah, I'm with you. He had a bunch of interviews in NV. But by the 7th interview with no bites, he took the first job that was offered, which was in TX. TX on the whole has a lot more opportunities than NV and overall, better educational and healthcare systems. And how long could he be unemployed for before he was out of money? You know, I sympathize with you, Halowithspikes, and he should have talked to you before he made the decision, but it might have been the only decision that makes sense. Hopefully you can get back to NV eventually.

It doesn't matter what his reasons are, financial or otherwise.

He made a decision that affects an entire family, without so much as discussing anything with anyone.

This isn't about which state is better, or which job is better.

This is about one person who controls major decisions alone, and another who simply goes along with it.

OP, why did you go along with this move, if you were so against it?

OP, why did you go along with this move, if you were so against it?

What is she suppose to do? She doesn't have a job. Her family is in TX. Is she suppose to move into a homeless shelter?

What is she suppose to do? She doesn't have a job. Her family is in TX. Is she suppose to move into a homeless shelter?

She could have not moved the kids until the semester was over and used that time to look for a job in NV. It would have given she and her husband time apart as well - maybe he would have hated the job and moved back. Who knows. But i think we don't have the full story. She doesn't have to go to a shelter - she has a house in TX that has not sold yet.

It doesn't matter what his reasons are, financial or otherwise.

 

He made a decision that affects an entire family, without so much as discussing anything with anyone.

 

This isn't about which state is better, or which job is better.

 

This is about one person who controls major decisions alone, and another who simply goes along with it.

 

OP, why did you go along with this move, if you were so against it?

Yup. And unfortunately I don’t think people realize how common financial abuse is.

I make the money, I make he rules.

OPer you keep saying. I should just suck it up, I should just suck it up. Why? Because you don’t feel you have anywhere else to go?

I’ve been where you are, also had to move where I didn’t want to because I had no other choice.

Be smart, let him play checkers, you make chess moves. Complete your degree, get a job that will get you financial independence, then decide what you want to do with your life, if it’s stay with him, ok but if it’s not, get out.

You don’t have to live a life without a voice.

Because your options are so limited with 3 children, unless there’s abuse, your most feasible choice is to accept it and gain your independence.

It doesn't matter what his reasons are, financial or otherwise.

 

He made a decision that affects an entire family, without so much as discussing anything with anyone.

 

This isn't about which state is better, or which job is better.

 

This is about one person who controls major decisions alone, and another who simply goes along with it.

 

OP, why did you go along with this move, if you were so against it?

Yes and no. It matters. It doesn't make it any less a problem that they can't work as a team, but it does matter and it would be unfair to paint him an abusive villain if she is demanding something unreasonable of him.

The reason I asked about it was to get more of the full story. If the family was having trouble making ends meet, it changes it somewhat. If she was adamant they keep a lifestyle he can't afford , it changes things. He may not necessarily be a monster.

She said her main focus is her schooling. Ok, that's a lot of pressure on him already supporting the family and a partners schooling . Then there's all the medical she mentioned.

Maybe she's just going along because she wants that money so her schooling is paid and maybe she's just pissed off he's not providing for her in the way she wants. She could have said no, opted to stay and work - she didn't want to.

Consider how much sense it makes to complain just to make a partner feel lousy without offering any options for what he or YOU can do to improve the situation. Telling anyone "I told you so" only pits you as an adversary rather than as a teamate who's on the same side. And it doesn't solve a thing.

Consider using your intelligence to work FOR you instead of against yourself. Decide how you'll want to internalize your OWN options for making your life happier and easier or harder on yourself and everyone around you. You can opt to stoke misery just for the sake of staying miserable, or you can question your motives for inflicting pain as retaliation, and identify what, exactly, it buys you.

You husband is not in charge of how well you manage your own family relations, and he's not in charge of your disposition. He's not in charge what you choose to pursue in terms of a social life, education, skill building, community service, career development or anything else that cultivates happiness, security and healthy involvement that grows healthy children and with optimistic outlook.

If you were single or divorced you'd need to ramp up your own life skills and make yourself happy--or not. A marriage license doesn't preclude you from these very same responsibilities for managing your Self. So decide what kind of person you want to be, and then aspire to it.

From that vantage point you can review the health of your marriage without participating in it's sabotage. You can consider your options for investing in your marriage to repair it or otherwise seek legal advice to learn your other options. Meanwhile, acting like a vindictive toddler sets the tone for your whole family and models the lens through which you will teach your children to adopt about their own capabilities for happiness.

Head high, and choose wisely.