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mzhyde

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So long story short, I've known this guy since I was legit an infant, theres 9 years age difference between us, our families have been close since before either of us were even born. This past May, a group of friends and us were all out camping and one thing led to another and we hooked up. The next morning he said "why didnt we do this so long ago" (well long ago i was married so that would have been a no anyways, Ill have been separated-not divorced- for a year in November). Ever since that weekend in May, we hook up anywhere from once a week to 3x a week and still continue to hook up. We also work together. Outside of work, since May, hes taken me to a Movie, weve done day trips to the city to just hang out, weve gone camping for the weekend together, he's come over and just watched movies, no sex, he calls me anywhere from 4-8 times per day every day, texts me, but he also has a really bad vice of no showing me, alot. So for instance, we'll make plans to hang out, like last night, at about 4p.m. yesterday as we were leaving work he tells me to call him after 6:30 and he'll come over, he cancelled on hanging out with me two days prior said something came up with his daughter he had to deal with and Im always super understanding to that, I have two kids myself, no big deal. Tells me yesterday that he FOR SURE is going to come over just call him when Im ready to hang out. So i made arrangements for the kids to stay at grandmas and at 7:15pm I call him. no answer, he doesnt call back or send a text back, nothing. This isnt unusual again, he does this ALL. THE. TIME. I was hurt yesterday about it though. We had talked about him always no showing me and that it kind of hurt my feelings and he said dont worry I have nothing planned Im coming over so I went through the trouble of getting the kids out, not making plans with any friends and basically sitting there waiting for him. So this morning he texts me before work, says hey ill call you in a bit, didnt have a good night and didnt want to bring you down, hope you are having a great morning. I didnt even respond back to it. Then he called me around coffee time (10a.m.) and fills me in on a drama story of why he didnt call. I said you could have called or texted me still and he said no, i dont want you to stress over my issues. Fine then. up until about a month ago I was always on the pretense of this being a friends with benefits type of deal, but for the past month, when he leaves for work and Im at work he will take me aside away from everyone, give me a kiss and tell me to have a good day, like I mentioned, he calls me during the day, we have regular conversations, we vent to each other, he actually listens to the things I say because he'll bring up things from months ago that I honestly thought he wasnt even paying attention, just things that I feel like show he actually cares. BUT WHAT THE HECK IS WITH THE NO SHOWING!?!?! Im getting so confused. Ive tried to open up the conversation about "what is this" without out right saying what is this and he always changes the subject. Legit will fly into another totally unrelated topic. So whats the deal? Am I just a friend with benefits to him? or does he want more? how do I ask!?! do i literally have to corner him and ask him what the deal is? or is there someone thats read this and can tell me no honey, he aint into you like that? so that I can save myself the embarrassment.

 

Thanks!

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Unfortunately he's consistently unreliable and flaky. It doesn't matter if you are fwb, hooking up, dating, friends, whatever, it's a bad habit. Do not sit around waiting for him or making arrangements for your kids, forgoing your friends, etc.

 

Also stop the affection at work. And stop texting and talking this much. He doesn't have to bother making plans or keeping them for 2 reasons. You allow it and you spend way too much time together, way too much time texting and way too much time romancing at work.

 

There is no incentive for him to make concrete plans with you. You are just there. Waiting. Hoping. Wishing. Forgiving obnoxious behavior.

 

He's no friend and chronically being blown off is no benefit.

Ill have been separated-not divorced- for a year in November. We had talked about him always no showing me and that it kind of hurt my feelings. at work he will take me aside away from everyone, give me a kiss and tell me to have a good day.
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So long story short, I've known this guy since I was legit an infant, theres 9 years age difference between us, our families have been close since before either of us were even born. This past May, a group of friends and us were all out camping and one thing led to another and we hooked up.

 

The next morning he said "why didnt we do this so long ago" (well long ago i was married so that would have been a no anyways, Ill have been separated-not divorced- for a year in November). Ever since that weekend in May, we hook up anywhere from once a week to 3x a week and still continue to hook up. We also work together.

 

Outside of work, since May, hes taken me to a Movie, weve done day trips to the city to just hang out, weve gone camping for the weekend together, he's come over and just watched movies, no sex, he calls me anywhere from 4-8 times per day every day, texts me, but he also has a really bad vice of no showing me, alot. So for instance, we'll make plans to hang out, like last night, at about 4p.m. yesterday as we were leaving work he tells me to call him after 6:30 and he'll come over, he cancelled on hanging out with me two days prior said something came up with his daughter he had to deal with and Im always super understanding to that, I have two kids myself, no big deal. Tells me yesterday that he FOR SURE is going to come over just call him when Im ready to hang out. So i made arrangements for the kids to stay at grandmas and at 7:15pm I call him. no answer, he doesnt call back or send a text back, nothing. This isnt unusual again, he does this ALL. THE. TIME. I was hurt yesterday about it though.

 

We had talked about him always no showing me and that it kind of hurt my feelings and he said dont worry I have nothing planned Im coming over so I went through the trouble of getting the kids out, not making plans with any friends and basically sitting there waiting for him. So this morning he texts me before work, says hey ill call you in a bit, didnt have a good night and didnt want to bring you down, hope you are having a great morning. I didnt even respond back to it.

 

Then he called me around coffee time (10a.m.) and fills me in on a drama story of why he didnt call. I said you could have called or texted me still and he said no, i dont want you to stress over my issues. Fine then. up until about a month ago I was always on the pretense of this being a friends with benefits type of deal, but for the past month, when he leaves for work and Im at work he will take me aside away from everyone, give me a kiss and tell me to have a good day, like I mentioned, he calls me during the day, we have regular conversations, we vent to each other, he actually listens to the things I say because he'll bring up things from months ago that I honestly thought he wasnt even paying attention, just things that I feel like show he actually cares.

 

BUT WHAT THE HECK IS WITH THE NO SHOWING!?!?! Im getting so confused. Ive tried to open up the conversation about "what is this" without out right saying what is this and he always changes the subject. Legit will fly into another totally unrelated topic. So whats the deal? Am I just a friend with benefits to him? or does he want more? how do I ask!?! do i literally have to corner him and ask him what the deal is? or is there someone thats read this and can tell me no honey, he aint into you like that? so that I can save myself the embarrassment.

 

Thanks!

 

Broke that wall of text down for you as I was reading.

 

Why are you always so available to him? Have you ever told him. "No we can't hang out tonite, I have other plans?" I think you should have a talk with him about if you're even exclusive.

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Thatwasthen- im kind of just always available I guess? That and I do truly want to hang out with him, I have a few times really not been able to hang out and and he’s cool about it, I’ve asked him straight up am I the only one you’re intimate with (I don’t like even doing the whole fwb if the person sleeps around) and he straight up says “absolutely, there’s no one else” the guy has given me the passwords to all his ! I’ve known him my whole life small town I’d have heard if he was seeing others by now But yet flakes out often as mentioned above, it boggles my mind. He just called me again about half an hour ago, I was pretty short answered on the phone, yes, no, cool, I gotta go have a great day I’ll talk to you Monday (to kind of give my mind some space from him I guess?)and he sounded pretty shocked and disappointed with that. If he was straight up this is just a sex thing I’d be cool but I feel like he pushes the envelope on that and then is back peddling? But now I’m starting to get emotionally invested and I just got my heart torn out I don’t need it again, I think I’m the whole problem here not him

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You want more out of this clearly. He is happy how it is. You are ready to evolve the relationship where he has no clue to. I think you've come to the end of the road. He hasn't, but you have.

 

I doubt it would get much better moving forward. You will always feel like your nagging him to catch up to how you feel about things. He's not there and does not want to be. He's happy having conversations, working with you, and having sex with you. He's not in the mind-frame for a relationship. It is what it is to him.

 

You have moved on and he has not. There is your answer.

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Well, you need to ask him straight out, what is going on! Is it his ex pulling his chain? Is there a problem with his kid? Is he seeing another woman? You've got to get the answer out of him. I also didn't understand the "showing me" part. Is this as in showing you he loves you or is it showing you off to his friends? (You are still married, after all.) I think it's something he's embarrassed about and doesn't want to tell you, but you've got to get a straight answer out of him or you should break up. He's too old to simply be irresponsible.

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Danzee, his ex is definitely always riding his case has for years I’ve witnessed it first hand, anytime he’s happy she’ll throw a wrench into it and do and say super hurtful to the point where he’s been in tears, with the showing part, he’ll just go out of his way to do little like bring me a tea late at night or calling me just saying hey I miss you and wanted to hear ur voice, with the friends thing we have about 3 friends who are aware of the situation and we’ve both asked them to keep it on the DL solely for my ex starts drama and so does his and maybe you’re right maybe he’s embarrassed of the fact I’m not divorced yet? Afraid to go forward because It’s not finalized? I agree 100% he’s too old part of me wondered because of the age gap maybe guys his age (39) just operate this way?

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Well, I think you have your answer. He's trying to meet up with you and the ex calls him and he has to do something for her. I don't even know how the two of you can find time to go out on dates with kids and all. But maybe you have to give up "dating" or not do anything until the two of you are standing in front of each other. He seems pretty attentive and texts you a lot more than a lot of boyfriends we hear about on ENA. And if you're hooking up 1x-3x a week, that's pretty good considering you have kids and jobs. So then take the cause of your irritation away. Just don't make any dates that he's going to bail out on.

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I guess it comes down to the fact I’m afraid to lose him altogether? Afraid to hear something I don’t want to hear? I also havnt really done this whole thing before...I met my ex husband at 16 and we were together for 12 years and it was always just so straight forward about what was going on. What do I say?! “Hey so what’s our deal?” I don’t want to sound like a complete moron

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I guess it comes down to the fact I’m afraid to lose him altogether? Afraid to hear something I don’t want to hear? I also havnt really done this whole thing before...I met my ex husband at 16 and we were together for 12 years and it was always just so straight forward about what was going on. What do I say?! “Hey so what’s our deal?” I don’t want to sound like a complete moron

 

Didn’t you say he avoided the question every time you ask though?

 

His refusal to answer is your answer.

 

Seems like you don’t really want to know, that you’re looking for hope. It’s blantantly clear he doesn’t respect your time or quite frankly your desire to clarify things. He doesn’t want to clarify because telling you it’s a booty call risks you ending things.

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He is treating you like a bad FWB.

 

The first time someone blew me off, would be the last. You are demonstrating that you have zero boundaries , not being "understanding" as you believe. Unless there is a death or hospitalization, there is no excuse to blow you off.

 

I would bet money there is a gf.

 

Bottom line: he does not treat you well. At all. Dump him!

 

Don't allow people to treat you like this.!

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Yes. At this point you are in the throes of divorce and clinging to any warm body who'll commiserate about exes with you. It's very common at any age. You are both using each other as band aids for your broken marriages and rancor with your respective exes. That's why it's flaky, hot/cold, etc. Sex and complaining about exes is what most of these type of hookup situations are about. Hookups are usually a last minute, off the cuff type of thing, not a planned, fixed dating situation.

my ex starts drama and so does his and maybe you’re right maybe he’s embarrassed of the fact I’m not divorced yet?
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