Girlfriend was Groped by a Friend

Hey eNA,

My girlfriend (of one year) recently shared something disturbing with me. We were at a party and she blurts out how she hates and can’t stand a guy. Naturally, I thought he broke her heart as they were travel buddies in Australia for a year. This is unlike her so the next morning I asked for details and she says he groped her while she was passed out at a Christmas party two years ago.

I was stunned.

She woke up, drunk, he had his hands on her vagina. She pushed him off, he shrugged his shoulders and she left in an Uber. She told her brother (the groper’s good friend) and her best friend. That’s it.

What I’m uneasy about is they’re still civil with each other. They don’t text or hang out solo (anymore) but they still Instagram like each other’s posts and have small talk when in person. She said she “tolerates him” because he’s close with her brothers and family.

Someone help me out here: is this odd? I’ve never been molested or done it to someone so I’m naïve here. Should she not want to rip his head off every time she sees him?!

I know these are hard to answer with minimal detail, but… Can someone shed some light on what it’s like to be molested by a ‘friend’? Is her behaviour normal? Is there something more here? Is she repressing details/memories? Also, what’s my role here—how can I be a supportive boyfriend knowing this? Should I confront him if I ever see him again?

Any insight would be appreciated. Thank you.

OP,

I havent the time available but will check in later. For now let me assure you:

Many of us can help you understand, from personal experience.

All we want (many of us) is for it to have never happened. Sometimes, we resume normalcy because - what else are you going to do? Make a case about I? Really? Any idea how well that goes? Yeah. So. We may have anger and it creeps out as it did the other night. For the most part, we have to move forward, and the lucky among us do.

We don't tell people. We have tons of reasons. They all seem insufficient until you think about it. "Did that REALLY happen?" "You shouldn't have been passed out." "Well, so what. He left, didn't he?" Grrrr. So. Yeah, its maddeningly, infuriating normal. And so. Very. Wrong.

I think you should ask your girlfriend what, if anything, she expects you to do now that you know about this. Let her guide you in that department.

I'm surprised she and her family/brother "tolerate" him after knowing how he sexually assaulted her and I wonder how many other women he's done this to since he suffered zero negative consequences to his actions.

When my hubby's friend did something similar, we dropped him as a friend.

I understand both points of view from Iam and Thatwasthen.

I side more with the opinion that I am surprised she 'puts up with him'. I couldn't do it. I am putting myself in her position and I'd do everything possible to avoid him.

If he was at a party, I wouldn't go to the party, etc. I would also have to let my brother know what kind of creep his friend was.

As her boyfriend, all you can do is support her. Hopefully neither of you ever needs to be around this guy. And try to do your best to not overthink it or question her feeling s towards him.

I know it can be tough, but rest assured if he really did that, he makes her skin crawl.

Going back to passive civility instead of making it a big deal may be a coping mechanism. If she avoided him, it may draw unwanted attention/questions

What I’m uneasy about is they’re still civil with each other. They don’t text or hang out solo (anymore) but they still Instagram like each other’s posts and have small talk when in person. She said she “tolerates him” because he’s close with her brothers and family.

 

Someone help me out here: is this odd? I’ve never been molested or done it to someone so I’m naïve here. Should she not want to rip his head off every time she sees him?!

 

I know these are hard to answer with minimal detail, but… Can someone shed some light on what it’s like to be molested by a ‘friend’? Is her behaviour normal? Is there something more here? Is she repressing details/memories?.

Nope. Happens all the time as 'gropees' try to return to normal. There's not much recourse for things like this, which are pretty much unprovable. If you watch the rape/molestation threads on this board, you'll see how vehemently people defend the guy and believe the girl is making it up for attention. Or that the girl was at fault for being so drunk. This site is just a microcosm for the world at large. It's easier to get along than to create a scene and 'prove' people right that you just want attention. Why subject yourself to that on top of being violated? And why relive a hopeless, terrible situation? Onward and upward.

Well, it's hard to explain the thought process but I once had my backside grabbed by my (ex) boyfriends friend. While my boyfriend was right there. I didn't say anything. There were other people around, I didn't want to 'make a scene'. I could have said something, but I didn't beause even though it was not as bad as what your girlfriend went through, it's still awkward when you get between people and their friends I guess? I didn't want to make it weird.

And even though I felt uncomfortable around the guy, he was a part of the group longer than I was and I didn't want to cause a rift. But it caused a rift between me and 'them' because I was uncomfortable around all his friends afterwards. And my (ex)boyfriend didn't seem to mind as much as I thought he should.

I tried to act normal in the hopes everything would be normal. Kind of like if you pretend it didn't happen, it didn't happen, is the best I can describe.

I also didn't want the attention or the general view of blowing things up between friends.

Like I said your girlfriend had it worse than me, so I can't speak to her view on this, but I felt horrible about it. I felt guilty about it.

Just, if you can, try and make sure they aren't in the same place at the same time. Try and understand, listen to her.

Yeah, unfortunately, this is how a lot of women deal with molestation. What are you going to do about it? She put it behind her. But, I agree, I don't think I could be civil with the guy if I was in her place.

I have never told any of my boyfriends about the things I experienced. I didn't want them taking it upon themselves to 'make things right.' It would just be an embarrassment, and a waste of time, since nothing can be undone. Even now, years later, I have no desire to tell. I get he'd want to be helpful and protective, but no thanks.

So, I'd follow her lead on this.

so as you see, you have your answer. it is NOT weird what your gf is doing.

I also think there is a male vs female component to this. As males, we are more likely to want to right the thing or bring it up or resolve it. Females not so because of all the reasons so many are putting on this thread - embarrassment, nto wanting people to look at them differently, not wanting to be looked upon certain ways, just wanting to move on and forget it (although sometimes we do the wrong things to move on and thus don't move on).

People ask why victims "don't speak up earlier" - and here are ALL your answers. Females are seen differently from a societal perspective (which is tragic) which lends them to act like this more than a male would (who have completely different societal pressures when it comes to this).

In addition to the good bits of advice from those above, it's also worth noting that some people quite simply internalize and cope with that kind of trauma efficiently as ****. In other words, there's a decent chance you regard them as a victim or survivor far more than they care to identify themselves as such. And it doesn't necessarily mean they're in some degree of denial. They're just "okay" with it, or as okay as they need to be to tolerate the assailant existing in their periphery. And, yes, that may include small talk rather than her running out of the room with her hands stiff at her sides whenever he enters. It's of course no testament to any kind of weakness if someone does still suffer from the trauma. It's just not everyone. Try to avoid making judgments on how you think she should be handling it and her relationship with him.

That said, while I'd be the last guy to get upset with a woman for not taking on the effort and potential drama of erasing such a guy from her life, it wouldn't sit right with me that she were going out of her way to like or comment on the dude's social media activity, or to otherwise positively interact with them. If she were saying how much she hated him and that sexually assaulted her (or even completely discounting the latter), it'd be internal eye-roll worthy. I could see myself losing some respect for her, and I'm not saying whether that's fair or not. Would I be on her to delete him or stop liking his stuff? Even making it a topic of conversation? Nope. Not my place. Not that I could ever see myself paying that much attention to her Instagram to notice. It'd just be a consideration on top of anything else not necessarily related to it but that's off between us. Might be a big deal, might not. I would suspect that if your relationship was otherwise amazing, it wouldn't be.

I think you should ask your girlfriend what, if anything, she expects you to do now that you know about this. Let her guide you in that department.

 

I'm surprised she and her family/brother "tolerate" him after knowing how he sexually assaulted her and I wonder how many other women he's done this to since he suffered zero negative consequences to his actions.

 

When my hubby's friend did something similar, we dropped him as a friend.

In my family, one of us witnessed one person trespass upon another. The witnessed all the friends carry on as if nothing had happened.

My bf made a great point: we don't teach boys especially young men etc how to deal with this.

A deep layer inside may grow a boundary- but outside everything looks unchanged.

She told her brother (the groper’s good friend) and her best friend. That’s it..

I'm curious to know what her brother said to his groper friend and if he's still friends with him.

 

My bf made a great point: we don't teach boys especially young men etc how to deal with this.

It is up to mothers and fathers to teach their sons to not have an expectation that a girls private parts are there for the touching or taking when they deem it. It's odd that women (in most part) don't seem to have the same expectation about a man's genitals. When is the last time we heard a woman groping a drunken, past out man?

Once again I am overwhelmed with the support in this community so thank you all!

I'd like to give an especially large thank you to the women who shared – or hinted at – personal instances. I found parallels in your stories and coping with my girlfriend and it definitely helped me better understand her perspective. While it does irk me they're still civil and liking each others' posts, it's not a battle worth fighting. Her brother, to me, is the real issue here as he's done nothing but shrug his shoulders and remain friends with the molester. Although they see each other infrequently (twice per year, maybe) it's still bothersome as I'd prefer it to be zero.

Some key takeaways are to ask her what she'd like me to do with this info (if anything) and that victims sometimes like to go back to normalcy and act as if it never happened. This includes behaving the same way whenever you see each other so as to not re-live it or draw attention to the "why are you acting so weird around so and so?"

 

That said, while I'd be the last guy to get upset with a woman for not taking on the effort and potential drama of erasing such a guy from her life, it wouldn't sit right with me that she were going out of her way to like or comment on the dude's social media activity, or to otherwise positively interact with them. If she were saying how much she hated him and that sexually assaulted her (or even completely discounting the latter), it'd be internal eye-roll worthy. I could see myself losing some respect for her, and I'm not saying whether that's fair or not. Would I be on her to delete him or stop liking his stuff? Even making it a topic of conversation? Nope. Not my place. Not that I could ever see myself paying that much attention to her Instagram to notice. It'd just be a consideration on top of anything else not necessarily related to it but that's off between us. Might be a big deal, might not. I would suspect that if your relationship was otherwise amazing, it wouldn't be.

AGREE> that is her making an effort to "show" him its all cool. Its like a kicked dog coming back to the same person to be petted again.

Its totally different from simply not saying anything in front of her brothers or acting like nothing is wrong if you guys happened to run into him at her brother's wedding. I could respect that - and understand if she didn't want to make a fuss.

If it were me, if i told my brother, he would want to beat the guy up, or at least have a talking to to him to determine if he wanted to beat him up, but he would also tell me i was stupid for passing out drunk and be upset that i put myself in a position where my brother wanted to clobber someone. But that's just my family.

To be clear, she's not commenting on his posts—just liking the odd one. He commented on one of hers and she bantered back but that's it. The event we were at was a surprise 30th birthday party for her brother so they both had an 'obligation' to be there. Yes, she 'positively interacts with him' but she's not going out of her way to do so and it may play into the whole 'wants things to be normal' mentality.

I'm upset he's gotten away with it especially as there may be other victims. I really don't know if it's my place to confront her brother or the groper, but, like someone suggested I should ask what my gf wants me to do with this info. It's possible me re-opening the wound is exactly what she doesn't want.

I have a different take on it. As a woman, if that makes any difference to how my input is considered.

To me, if someone acts as though nothing has happened and carry on with voluntary contact with the person, they are also part of the problem. And it makes me feel upset, to the point where I considered not responding to this post.

People here mentioned boys not being taught to do the right thing, but what if the women who are suggesting and modelling behaviours to others that it is ok to look the other way when sexual assault happens? If I had a nickel for every woman who gave me poor advise on 'not causing a scene, you have to think of the family, nothing will be done anyways'.

I'm glad I didn't listen and did what I knew was right, which was not to enable further abuse .

Now that she shared this it's on you to decide if you will be one who goes along with looking away, or if you'll at least say something about what she's doing.

I'm all for understanding. You have a pretty good idea of why she's doing it this way- it's easier, it sucks to take a stand, and people will judge you.

That's my two cents.

To me, if someone acts as though nothing has happened and carry on with voluntary contact with the person, they are also part of the problem.

I agree.

I know that I am also part of the problem.

But what can be done?

How am I supposed to act?

The bottom line is if men were taught not to proceed doing things like this, to quit with the mistaken mindset that they are entitled to sexual touch/assault WITHOUT consent, then woman wouldn't have to feel guilt if they don't have the emotional or psychological strength to 'do something' about that sexual assault.

The bottom line is if men were taught not to proceed doing things like this, to quit with the mistaken mindset that they are entitled to sexual touch/assault WITHOUT consent, then woman wouldn't have to feel guilt if they don't have the emotional or psychological strength to 'do something' about that sexual assault.

Seems like "you are not entitled" should be good enough.

That extends to those men who desperately try to judge the validity of women's feelings on the matter.

It is up to mothers and fathers to teach their sons to not have an expectation that a girls private parts are there for the touching or taking when they deem it. It's odd that women (in most part) don't seem to have the same expectation about a man's genitals. When is the last time we heard a woman groping a drunken, past out man?

I don't know anyone who has been groped while drunk, man or woman. It must not happen then by your brilliant logic.

You are no better than anyone else who ignores sexual assault.

I'd thank GF for trusting me enough to confide in me. I'd ask her to take some time to think about this question before answering: would she be willing to consider dropping all feeds and interactions with the guy on social media as an emotional statement of reclaiming her privacy from him?

None of us can speak for the coping skills of anyone who's ever been harmed by another sexually, just as we can't speak for any man, woman or child who's ever been punched or kicked or otherwise beaten up. However, we CAN refrain from lobbing our opinions as projectiles toward a victim or any other person, because that just makes us reactionaries who compound one problem of mistreatment with another.

There is no benefit to behaving hurtfully in the name of 'fighting' harm.

Alright, this turned into a societal debate that I didn't intend but that's okay as it's generated important conversation.

When I see her next I'll ask bring the subject back up as it's still bothering me. I've already thanked her for sharing (as she was visibly distraught rehashing it) and avoided pointing the finger at her, but I will probe a bit further. (1) What would you like to me do with this info?; and (2) would you consider cutting all avoidable contact with him?

Cheers

Alright, this turned into a societal debate that I didn't intend but that's okay as it's generated important conversation.

 

When I see her next I'll ask bring the subject back up as it's still bothering me. I've already thanked her for sharing (as she was visibly distraught rehashing it) and avoided pointing the finger at her, but I will probe a bit further. (1) What would you like to me do with this info?; and (2) would you consider cutting all avoidable contact with him?

This happens so often on these boards. Someone posts one question, or asks for advice on one thing, and pages later, people are debating all sorts of things that the OP never intended.

I think you've already described the best course of action, which is to bring it up with her.

As for acting normal once someone has groped you, yes, that's very common.

However, in this day & age, it's.....uncomfortable? for your girlfriend to be liking this guy's posts, etc. And if I were you, I'd want to discuss it with her.

I cannot count the number of times in my life that I've been groped, etc., many times by men in the workplace. And yes, to keep the peace, you continue "normally".

A few years ago, a male co-worker (married with kids) came on to me, asking me if I'd go "make out" with him. I brushed him off. A few months later, my boss paired us all in teams for a project, and unknowingly, he paired me up with this guy. I went to my boss and told him what had happened. My boss sighed, acted like I was a diva, and reluctantly changed the pairings. To this day, I don't think my boss has ever gotten over my "diva"-ness about this. It's for these types of reasons we act "normal". Today, I could probably get my boss fired over this.