End of my rope but it's ok.

Been a long time since I've been here, I know. Life has been going well for me - I work in a job that finally nets me a lot of money, I get plenty of OT, and I'm in an environment that I finally feel like I belong in. Stressful, yes, but nothing I can't handle. I've evolved a bit over the past year, thanks a lot to my therapist. I've come to accept that I am a deeply flawed person with control issues (and those control issues help me a lot at my job, not being sarcastic, it's true!) inability to open up/deal with feelings in relationships, and I'm probably an irreversible cynic at this point, who knows. But I feel more free and overall, more content. I've reached new levels of "DGAF" in my life, as I am one tick away from being 30. As far as I'm concerned, life has gotten better with age for me.

I'm feeling that the albatross around my neck is my relationship, sad to say. Been with K for 3 years now. He is doing well (about to be a student, etc.) but I am tired of his self-imposed health issues and lack of drive to make any changes. I have done my best to be supportive over the years but he's gotten worse, not better. Its gotten to the point where I can't really be intimate with him due to health issues and yeah, it affects my attraction to him. Yes, he's aware - he cried about it, but no real changes. To me, that is the real tragedy. Plus, he is still dying to get married and I am still unsure, bordering on "no thanks". Again, he is aware.

I've been mulling this over a long time, and I don't think either of us are in a position to do anything drastic right now right this second, but I'm thinking the end is near.

I suppose what really holds me back is that unlike past relationships where I could envision myself trying again, I just don't this time. Not for inability "to find love again", as far as I'm concerned, I can find whatever I want. I notice that I have an ability to connect well with people but my aloofness makes me seem more desirable than I really am. I just don't really care anymore. My therapist is concerned because she knows in my life, the only people I open to are some members of my family and my SO - that's it. I have friends but don't open up to them and don't really want to. I guess that's a bridge I'll cross when I come to it. But that's my main concern. I tell her frequently, if I could take a pill and be totally mentally healthy being alone in life, I wouldn't hesitate.

I had a realization lately...i sat and asked myself, what do I really want from this life? When I look back, what will be the things I regret? I can see myself regretting staying in one relationship out of fear of losing control. The past "highs" in my life have been when I have taken the road less traveled, when I've focused on new experiences and learning. Why have I focused on finding and keeping love? Because those around me have done that? Because I've been told I'll regret it if I don't?

There is no "correct" way to live life and I just want to live mine as I see fit. That's all.

I'm not sure how much I'll stick around here.

Hmm. Well, it seems you have everything figured out. Are you really a deeply flawed individual? And what's a "self-imposed health issue?" Just wondering.

Absolutely I am.

Morbid obesity, uncontrolled diabetes. Last week, I watched him eat himself into acute hypoventilation syndrome, if that's even a thing. I didn't know that was even possible but after what I saw, I can say it is..

Wow. Well, the boyfriend has to go. What are you even doing with him? You're not controlling him very well.

Clearly not, lol.

When we got together, he was starting to reform his health on his own. Cool. But it's gotten worse, not better. Plus I think his own insecurities on this are making him more clingy, which is a turn off for me. Again, he knows about this, we talked.

Hey girl! Long time no see! Unfortunately, not all relationships last forever. If he can’t deal with his emptiness from his family of origin he will continue to eat feelings. It is sad, but we can’t fix people. Only ourselves.

Hey it's good to see you! Long time! And yes, it's largely emotional issues and he admits that...but nothing changes. I'm so frustrated. My insurance is awesome and I make enough to sock away hundreds (next year it will be thousands, I'm maxing it out!) into tax free health savings so it's not like I'm not encouraging him to get help. That money is for both of us but right now, it's just me using it and that irks me. Hell, I get FREE counseling resources at my work for both myself and any of my dependents (includes him cause he's on my plan). I just want him to get better.

This summer, we had several heart to hearts about it and I said that I'm giving it a year and if no effort is made in any way, no more. He broke down and said that I shouldn't set limits like that and that he'd change blah blah.

I am empathetic to this as heaven knows I have my own family issues. I am still close with my family but I have taken steps to form more appropriate, adult relationships with both parents and I have set HARD limits with them. He is still affected by the abuse he suffered as a young boy, I get that. But it's been 3 years...why must we both suffer? I'm in a sexless relationship, essentially, as a result and I'm feeling suffocated at times and stuck.

Also, I feel so guilty. He helped me through a year of schooling. If I hint that I'm not happy and thinking of leaving, he says "but I supported you through your school, we had a deal. I supported you, why cant you support me?"

I feel like trash.

Also, I feel so guilty. He helped me through a year of schooling. If I hint that I'm not happy and thinking of leaving, he says "but I supported you through your school, we had a deal. I supported you, why cant you support me?"

 

I feel like trash.

Hi Fudgie, it's good to see you.

As for your schooling, it had an end in sight, a clear goal, and signs you were making steady progress. This issue is not the same. I hear he doesn't want limits on your relationship, but people can definitely have boundaries, and it seems reasonable to me that you've voiced yours. You are giving yourself a year, and letting him know about why. If that isn't acceptable to him, maybe it makes sense to split sooner rather than later, save you both time, you can both start healing and moving on sooner? It isn't easy, either way.

It definitely hurts and either way, it won't be easy. I feel that I owe it to him to give him time but as time goes on, I feel that no change will be made, or at least maybe he'll do some crash diet in a bid to keep me and then go right back to what he's been doing.

Many other aspects of our relationship are great. He's so intelligent and we enjoy a lot of things together. Our lives are so intertwined.

Something that I've been thinking about is how many people stay in relationships for fear of being alone or that "this is the best I can get". I could easily go down that path. K is very much in love with me, very affectionate, attracted to me, and consistently does a lot for me (cooking, cleaning, etc.) My friends tell me all the time "marry that man. He wants to get married to you. What are you doing?"

But he's on track to die an early death and/or lose his feet or his eyes. He can't do many physical things with me. He has troubles with sex because of his issues. And he's not older than me, he's my age. I've dealt with health problems in a relationship with an older man and that was fine but this is different.

He talks about the decades we'll spend together. What decades? How can someone so smart have such a disconnect?

The grass may not be greener, in fact there may be no grass at all. But I'd rather move myself to barren pastures than stay and watch our once beautiful garden die.

I just broke up with a gal i've been attracted to and wanting to date for 15 yrs (and her also with me) - for the very same reasons. I want things in life. I want to achieve thigns in life. I have aspirations. She wants to sit home and do the same things every day with the same people. i adore her and love her and am still highly attracted to her as a person and her to me. But a relationship wasn't going to make either of us happy b/c of these differences in appraoch to life.

I don't blame you.

I understand why you want to give him more time and chance - but you already have your answer and more time is only going to make these differences MORE clear - not better.

Time to go.

Time to free yourself.

Time to give YOURSELF a chance at real happiness for you.

Yo don't owe him anything. He's an adult. he needs to account for himself.

Life is hard enough just getting it right for ourselves without trying to do for others too. don't make that your NEXT regret (that you spent too much time worrying about others, and never got around to worrying about yourself..)

Good luck. don't feel bad. YOu're actually doing what's best for him by letting him go.

I'm really sad but deep down, I think you may be right. I don't know when/what exactly is going to happen in the future but I can't stay if this is the status quo. And so far, he only makes an effort when I voice my unhappiness and even then, it's for only a short time.

But I do know this, no matter what, I'm going to be okay. I always weather the difficult times. In the end, all I have is myself and as long as I can keep that, I will be fine.

As long as you expect him to change and continue to try to change him, you'll be unhappy. He will either improve his health...or not. It's up to him. Continually threatening to leave if he doesn't lose weight, improve his health, etc. isn't working, so why keep doing it?

If you discontinue making his weight/health your problem, things will improve. When you redirect the focus on your own health, fitness, diet etc, you'll both feel better. You'll both regain control over what can be changed and let go of 'fixing' tendencies.

I feel that no change will be made, or at least maybe he'll do some crash diet in a bid to keep me and then go right back to what he's been doing.

This summer, we had several heart to hearts about it and I said that I'm giving it a year and if no effort is made in any way, no more. He broke down and said that I shouldn't set limits like that and that he'd change blah blah.

Sometimes you have to be the consequence. Meaning, the threat of leaving isn't enough to help someone change. Sometimes you have to leave and not come back. Then hope that helps your loved one make the change they need to make. Whether it does or doesn't, you won't be there to see. It's a big sacrifice, but it does remove the enabling.

Wiseman, it was only this summer that I gave him an "ultimatum". His health has bothered me but in the 3 years that we've been together, I've been supportive of his efforts, however short and infrequent they are.

As for me, I track everything I place in my mouth and I try to exercise regularly. He will not do either of these things with me or on his own. Since starting my job, my weight loss has been really apparent (I'm drinking a lot of water and usually only eat 2 meals on workdays) and while thars motivating for me, he doesn't seem to care.

I don't mean to sound crude but I am not going to yoke myself (move with him in the near future to support him through professional school for the next 5+ YEARS, crazy student debt for him, delaying my own plans for further education, distance from my family, etc.) to someone who honestly will probably not make it to 40. It's a tragic, bad investment and I can see how this will end and I don't want that.

Sometimes you have to be the consequence. Meaning, the threat of leaving isn't enough to help someone change. Sometimes you have to leave and not come back. Then hope that helps your loved one make the change they need to make. Whether it does or doesn't, you won't be there to see. It's a big sacrifice, but it does remove the enabling.

Ouch this hurts to hear. Ouch. But you're probably right.

I wish my threats were enough.

Great to hear from you, Fudgie, and congrats on all the progress you've made. I'm glad you're no longer in the job that made you unhappy. Life is tough enough without spending so much of it in a toxic way just to earn a living.

I can see myself regretting staying in one relationship out of fear of losing control.

Fear of losing control of what, exactly? You already don't have any control over the guy, and if you feel guilty for not sticking around for his schooling, then repay him whatever you believe you 'owe' him. Give him a chunk upon breakup, then send him whatever you can afford until you're satisfied that you've paid that debt. If he won't accept it, then that's on him, not you.

Otherwise, the only thing tying you to someone you want to leave is manipulation. You raised that he's smart but can't see a disconnect. Apply the same vision to your own circumstance when allowing yourself to be guilted into staying with someone who brings you down.

You can see BF's unhealthy behaviors, and changing those is outside your scope of control. However, you DO own control over how long you'll allow that dynamic in your own life. You may worry about suffering because you'll miss him, but you're already suffering now. So the bandage of staying is saturated and not promoting healing and healthy growth.

You've already seen the benefits of removing yourself from a unhealthy work environment. I'd allow that to inspire me to make the same change in my love life. That IS control, only it's not misplaced.

As for being deeply flawed, consider the irony of our imperfections being 'perfect' for each of us. We all have flaws, and I like to think of those as adding texture and character to an otherwise blank slate. Why do people pay more money for materials that are distressed?

Write more if it helps, and welcome back. You've helped me over the course of time with your insights and compassion, and you'll likely never be able to count all of the people who can say the same.

Ouch this hurts to hear. Ouch. But you're probably right.

 

I wish my threats were enough.

Unfortunately, yes this is true if he won't help himself at all. Threats are just that; a non-action, a maybe. According to you, he won't start making small changes towards leading a healthier life style, such as either improving diet, increasing exercise, or going to counseling/therapy for his overeating. He is eating himself into an early grave and, you probably don't know it, but you are helping him there. I am sorry, this is how food addiction is, despite you having the best of intentions. They get worse because they have an enabler who helps them with the smallest of tasks and condone such bad habits, despite their adversary towards it.

Staying is enabling. He is not going to magically get better one day. I bet if you dumped him tomorrow, his health would improve. Not because you didn't want what's best for him or tried to support a healthier lifestyle, but because he has to do everything on his own now without any help. It is hard to do daily tasks being morbidly obese, even the smallest of ones like getting the mail, so it will take more effort to complete them and he will eat less while exercising more (in the form of walking and not having time to overeat as much).

He is using emotional blackmail in order to bribe you to stay. He has no right to use putting you through school as something to hold over your head. This was his decision to support you as working towards a relationship goal. A relationship, any relationship, should not be treated as a transaction. You owe him nothing. Besides, if you leave him why should you care he helped you through school? You did it to better yourself in the context of a relationship, as you were going to do for him. Now the relationship is failing, it makes no sense for you to support him for 5 more years. You did your part. He is not doing his part and this is a consequence he is choosing. Keep your head held high; when you break up with someone, usually the dumpee tries to guilt you back into the relationship by making you feel bad, especially a behavioral addict.

cat feeder,

So good to hear from you. A lot of what you said resonates with me and I believe it's true, even though it's hard to admit that.

My comment about "losing control" in ending this relationship is more about how intertwined K and I are. We live together, we have some mixed finances, he's on my insurance, etc. I also worry about being isolated following a BU and the toll that it woild take on my mental health in a way that would be out of my control. Currently, in my city, I have friends but I don't feel comfortable confiding in these people and frankly, I know they like K more than me, which is fine, but in the event of a BU, it just means I'd be even more alone. I do have my

Going through a BU is messy and in doing so, involves a loss of control. How will things be divided? Will he flip out? How do I handle the money situation?

All of this scares me but I cannot let fear keep me in a place where I am not happy. That said, my lease ends in spring/summer, so it's likely I'll stay until then. But make no mistake, K knows I'm unhappy and i have voiced this and the reasons WHY. I don't carry on relationships under false pretenses.

I feel I'm coming to a real turning point in my life. I can see a life without K and I know I'll be fine no matter what.

Ok you can slowly begin to "regain control" by unyoking all the finances. Start by getting all your things in your name and your name alone. That means credit cards, bank accounts, etc.

Many people do the "family plan" thing when it comes to vehicle insurance, phones, etc. because it's cheaper, but understand..you lose control and independence this way. Unless you are legally "a family", which couples living together for financial advantages never are. They just get "stuck" in the mire of saving a few bucks rationalizing the relationship.

Don't let convenience or faux budgeting/economy drive you this much. It sounds like you depend on him a lot and are therefore are afraid of ending things, and that is why trying to fix/change him is so important.

My comment about "losing control" in ending this relationship is more about how intertwined K and I are. We live together, we have some mixed finances, he's on my insurance, etc.

On the contrary, Wiseman, almost everything is in my name, not his. Lease, utilities, car insurance, etc. We are registered domestic partners and he is on my insurance as my dependent. The one bill he has in his name is his phone bill, which is separate from mine. The reason why most everything is in my name is because I had this place to myself before I even met him and then he moved in. I did not add him to anything because he paid his share. We do have a joint account. I have a few credit cards but he is not on them, not even as an authorizing user.

That said, even with everything in my name, it's still a huge undertaking. And I'm not sure how to bring it up without seriously rocking the boat.

On the contrary, Wiseman, almost everything is in my name, not his. Lease, utilities, car insurance, etc. We are registered domestic partners and he is on my insurance as my dependent. The one bill he has in his name is his phone bill, which is separate from mine. The reason why most everything is in my name is because I had this place to myself before I even met him and then he moved in. I did not add him to anything because he paid his share. We do have a joint account. I have a few credit cards but he is not on them, not even as an authorizing user.

 

That said, even with everything in my name, it's still a huge undertaking. And I'm not sure how to bring it up without seriously rocking the boat.

I understand. You can stop contributing to the joint account and draw that money to pay shared expenses until it's down to the degree that you can close it.

That just leaves the insurance, which BF can obtain himself starting Nov 1 through (not sure of end date) through the Affordable Care Act. While it may be an awkward issue, you can use his reluctance to improve his health as your reason for opting to be singly insured.

This may also open a time to ask him to find another place to live so you can live solo for the rest of your time on the lease.

Exactly. It doesn't matter who's on what. What matters is starting to untangle the joint things.

The reason why most everything is in my name is because I had this place to myself before I even met him and then he moved in. I did not add him to anything because he paid his share. We do have a joint account.

Sounds like you're in the 'luke warm bath situation' - it's not very pleasant but the prospect of getting out seems worse. Are you actually still in love with him? You've expressed feelings of fondness, sentiment etc but not of love.

I split with my ex who ate too much and just got bigger and bigger and with it he smelt bad and got more lazy and he pretty much ended up in a downward spiral. I didn't find him unattractive because of his size (to be fair he was no slim Jim when we got together) because I am not superficial like that at all. It was his lack of motivation that did it for me, that he didn't want to do it for him, for me, for our kids etc. We were 29 at the time. He is 40 now and happily married but he is still very big and I can see that he has not changed any behaviour patterns whatsoever. His wife seems groovy with it all which is great, it just wasn't a situation I was willing to continue with, and that's fine to.

Luke warm bath... Heh, never heard that phrase before. But I do feel that way. Am I in love? I don't know. I do love him but I am not sure if I am in love. The attraction has been gone for a while for me and he knows cause I told him. Sometimes he has bad breath and goes to kiss me. I am repulsed and say "hey you have bad morning breath, maybe brush your teeth to get rid of it" and he gets angry. He won't do it; just gets angry. He always brushes his teeth and does his hair before we leave the apartment though, so it's not like he permits himself to go around looking like a slob.

I hear what you're all saying. I'm stuck in that awful place of knowing and agreeing in a rational and logical sense, but emotionally, I am not there. I need to work more in therapy on this.

I feel a combination of sadness and numbness. Normally when I've been in this position, I feel like I'm being ripped apart by my own conflicting thoughts. Now I am more numb. I'm not sure what that says about me but maybe I'm just tired of this crap.