Fiance isn't very open with his feelings.

Hi all,

I need some 3rd party input and I always appreciate everyone's insight here. Not sure if I'm overthinking this, but here goes:

My fiance and I have had a bit less sex for a few months, and while it didn't bother me too much in the beginning, I couldn't help but let it get to me eventually. We talked about it a little while ago and he assured me everything was fine.

Well, not much changed and I started to get more frustrated. We had another convo last night where I lightly brought this up again. I asked him if he's generally satisfied with our sex life, and he told me the truth finally. We had a bit of a traumatic event happen in May (I don't think it's important to disclose the nature of it), but he told me it's still weighing on him and affecting his libido. He had tried to be strong for me then, since it had affected me as well.

While I'm someone who values being able to talk about feelings/fears etc with my partner, and I try to create an environment where it's easy for him to share, he seems to be the opposite. I understand that some people need space and time to process their own feelings. I'd venture to guess that a lot of men prefer to sort things out on their own. I respect that and wouldn't push someone for a conversation, BUT when it gets to a point that it's affecting the relationship (sex life) I'd appreciate insight.

I'm just frustrated it took him months to approach me. In the meantime I was starting to doubt my own appeal to him. It's all stuff that could've been sorted sooner and much quicker. I'm afraid he's not as emotionally open as I am, but I'm not sure what to do about it. I love him, he loves me, overall we have a fantastic relationship, a beautiful daughter, but I'd love to feel like there aren't any secrets.

Any insight?

Well, I would just like to agree with you that men get embarrassed when they're having a problem and they do like to sort it out themselves. It's very frustrating when a guy can't be a manly man. And it's very difficult to admit it. Men put a lot of pressure on themselves to please women and they would rather not do it than do it poorly. I wish you would reveal something about this "traumatic event" that happened to understand how it's interfering with his libido. If it was truly traumatic, I can understand how it's still affecting him and could affect him for some time.

Otherwise, this is the standard question about why men can't talk about their feelings, and I would refer you to John Gray's book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." Men are taught early on to bottle up their feelings and to "be a man." They have to be in control at all times. I tell my wife, if I started talking about my feelings, I probably wouldn't be able to stop. This is why you don't see men crying after the boss yells at them. They bottle up those feelings.

Also, you're doing the typical female thing by thinking that you're the cause of his loss of libido. What happens is a guy is wrestling with his own problems and then his girl hits him with "you don't love me anymore." Oh, boy. It only makes things more difficult for the guy and a lot of guys get angry and storm off.

Anyways, you have to realize that men and women are emotionally different and they communicate differently. You're assuming men communicate the same way women do. They don't. Women want to talk about feelings, men just want to do things. I think if you approach this as a problem that needs a solution, then you and your guy can work on fixing things.

Thanks for the input Dan. I had an abortion in May. I'm on birth control, however, forgot to take it one time. That was the time it happened, and we can't afford another child as much as we'd want to. We thought about it for a long time, but decided that it's just extremely unwise right now. I beat myself up over it for a long time, felt guilty that I forgot to take that one pill. I have in the past and that's never happened. I went off it to conceive our daughter and it took a few tries then. Anyway, it affected him more than he let on and he's nervous about it happening again. I'm now considering the IUD until we're ready for a second. I don't want to be judged on this decision, that's why I felt it was irrelevant to disclose. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I understand your point about men solving problems on their own. I just wish he'd feel safe enough with me to disclose a worry like that especially when I asked him the first time. It's hard and a bit unfair to hear that everything's fine when in fact it isn't. I don't ever push him to share his feelings, I'm perfectly fine with him dealing with things on his own. I just feel like we need to be ok to address things that fester for months.

Maybe I'm overthinking it though. I just need to work through my feelings about this at the moment. I'm afraid that "everything's fine" means it really isn't and it's making me not trust him fully, even though I want to. Maybe that just takes a little time.

I can't say I agree with DanZee on this one. I'm a man, and I love nothing more than talking about my feelings and the feelings of another. I'm also very into talking about sex, sexuality, getting into the murk on that with a partner.

Part of that might be my own nature, but part of that has been confronting tricky moments in the past, not unlike your present situation, OP.

Some general words on that. I think one of the most unfortunate things about our modern, liberal, enlighten society is that there is still very little room for men to talk about sex, intimacy issues, whatever. The modern couple can have all sorts of fun, frisky, vulnerable conversations about playing with toys, lube, whatever, but men remained conditioned to think we should always be ready—and when we're not we can kind of buckle and turn inward.

I went through something like that when I was 25, where I closed off sexually, which was devastating to both me and my gf. As a result, I'm now really open about those moments, into sharing them and exploring them, because I know sex is ultimately very important to me. So I've learned to be more vulnerable sexually, using these moments as a way to go deeper and expand my sex life rather than have it contract. I had a wonderful girlfriend years ago where we just found awesome (and very hot) ways to confront this stuff.

The big thing is: it's not about you, not a verdict on your attractiveness, hard as that is to see and feel. There's just a clogged pathway between you guys at the moment, fantastic as everything else is, and there's a way to confront it together so it doesn't become adversarial.

Thanks Blue, very helpful to read this. You know, it makes complete sense to me why he's feeling this way. I'm nothing but understanding, and I've never pushed him before. I'm like you, I love talking about sexuality and I'm generally a pretty sexual person. It hurt a little to see him withdraw without knowing why, so I guess the typical female in me concluded that maybe I'm boring or whatnot. I wish he had just told me what's on his mind, but I might need to develop a thicker skin too?

I'm sorry to hear about all that, OP. No judgement here. You made the very hard choice that was right for you, and thankfully we live in a world where women have that choice.

You're right that "everything's fine" rarely means that everything is fine. It's what people, men especially, say in an aspirational sense—essentially: yes, I know everything is not quite fine, but I want it to be fine, so give me a little time to reconnect those "fine" wires.

And, yeah, some people genuinely do just need to kind off go into their own little mental hole, work out the wiring, so they can emerge shiny and intact (and study) again. But, of course, inside a relationship that can come at a cost. When one person is in that mental hole, the other feels a bit more alone, especially when sex, that great unifying force of romance, is taking a toll. So the risk is you emerge shiny and genuinely "fine," but now the other person isn't quite there, and you get on a bit of that see-saw.

Pregnancy, whether planned, unplanned, or terminated, is one of those places, I think, where a lot of men go into the mental hole. Like, it affects us too, it's something we're part of, but it's just impossible to relate to how it affects a woman. It's a bit of the irony of pregnancy, in that it's kind of the ultimate expression of what a man and woman can create through sex, but it also creates a bit of divide. Having gone through an abortion with someone I loved, I know I was pretty thrown, but really didn't know how to discuss that because it almost seemed like it was unfair to have been thrown since it was her body.

You guys sound great, very close, raising a family, etc. I'm curious: how much have been talking about this experience since? Like, have you been able to share your own emotional processing of it, or have you been worried about that being a weight on him? I ask because I know for me, when I went through that, it was really helpful to just hear what my gf was going through. The periods of mourning, the mourning lifting, feeling sex again, etc. I guess she kind of took the lead on being the more open one emotionally, I followed, and it became something we went through together. A very hard thing, yes, but ultimately not a divisive one.

Hi BecxyR, I agree with Dan, read John Gray. Not just the Mars/Venus series, but all his books, articles, videos.

He explains in detail this confusing phenomenon from both the male and female perspectives; I've personally learned a lot from him.

And he gives good advice too re how to handle it, when your man goes into his so-called "cave" (for example), doesn't wish to (or not comfortable) opening up.

I am very much like you, I love talking, expressing emotions, communicating both verbally and non-verbally. Not right away it takes a while for me to open up, but once I do, watch out! lol

I have often found in my relationships with men who don't feel as free and open to share sensitive emotions, that leaving them alone really helps. Let them find their way toward you (which includes opening up to you) in their own time.

It seems the more a woman wants to talk and emote, the deeper into his cave he goes. Yin and yang.

It's not easy, because as women we are so different, but once you understand men's natures, it does get easier and becomes almost like a dance.

You might ask, well why do I need to understand his nature, why can't he understand mine? And that I feel insecure and need to talk? You are 100% right and John Gray explains that to men as well.

Might I suggest you both read John Gray and watch his videos together? It might give you both some valuable insight that would help you moving forward.

Also important are your respective love languages. I just went through this with my boyfriend because after seven months of being in the "honeymoon stage," I began to realize that he wasn't fully listening to me, "seeing" me. And it bothered me.

We talked the other night and I actually brought up the love languages (which he was familiar with) and he was open to exploring them together. During which we had what may be the most open and honest communique (and most intimate sex) I have ever had with a man.

And as a result we've reached a new level of emotional and sexual intimacy which feels awesome!

Bottom line it's all about understanding each other and working with each other within that level of understanding.

A few suggestions:

1. Love him as an imperfect human

Accept that he is indeed not as open with his emotions as are you. My bf is much more aware and open than I am, and he teaches me by saying "We need to communicate. I know you can't stand that, but it makes it much better." He also says, "If I am going to ask you to tell me things, then I need to be prepared to receive whatever it is you say." I feel completely safe when I talk to him. About anything. It helps if you will work hard to say, "Thank you for telling me."

2. Assume good intentions

Frame your understanding of his silence as a way of him protecting you. If you want him to open up more, you may need to demonstrate through your speech patterns and your actions that his words won't damage you. That you can hear him without trying to fix him. Also, without taking it personally. If you make it about you, then he has to work hard to articulate what is going on within himself so that he can be certain to express it in a way that makes it clear it is only about him. That can be a challenge, until we have resolved the feeling. By then, why bring it up? (My bf is teaching me to say, when it is all over: "I want to tell you something; its all good now, but for a while there I was processing some ideas that were uncomfortable...")

You may benefit from getting help keeping emotional boundaries between you and your bf, so that your feelings can remain stable while his vary. It is a skill you can build on your own or with professional assistance.

3. Frame this in terms of YOU not in terms of him.

"I need your help. I like our usual ways of connecting. I like our physical connectedness. Without it, I am starting to feel a bit adrift. Can you help reel me back in a bit?"

It takes two, but you can control only yourself. The most you can do is make yourself strong and love yourself from the inside out; make him aware of where you stand and why; make room for him to open up without feeling the need to punish him for not doing so previously; keep yourself going forward.

4. Think of three "people"

You, him, the relationship. The two of you stand together. No matter what, stand beside him and not against him. Engage him in the solution of raising up the relationship, because you are a team.

Question:

It sounds like he retreated to process and to mourn. He eventually came out of his shell enough to explain this to you. Now that this mystery has been resolved, why do you remain insecure about his commitment to you?

Wow. You know, that was the one thing that would have shaken me too. On the one hand, you can't afford another child, but on the other hand, it's my child. And I wouldn't know how to discuss it either. On the surface, I would say the same thing. Everything's OK. We both decided it was the right thing to do. But deep down, it would bother me. Maybe he couldn't even verbalize it. Maybe he didn't even realize it was happening. And there's the fear that it could happen again.

Hopefully, you guys can push through this. Maybe you can use a second birth control measure like a spermicide jelly for a while just to give your boyfriend a little more reassurance. It might alleviate his fear of getting you pregnant again and hopefully he can get his groove back.

More later, but I want to say thank you every one of you for the answers so far. Such great advice!

I knew someone whose wife had a miscarriage when the baby was very much wanted. The wife recovered fairly well, but the husband was devastated. So devastated that he withdrew and went into a temporary depression. He was even leaving work in the middle of the day to go cry. I mean, this man took it HARD.

And he was like this for several months, so much so that his wife was concerned he was going to do something really drastic.

The only thing that seemed to help was when she got pregnant again.

So, yeah, these situations affect men very much (not all of them, but a larger number than we might think). Your fiance probably feels guilty that he "did" that to you (got you pregnant) and he probably feels guilty that you had to go through the termination. And that he couldn't do it for you.

I hope he's open to some counseling if more time goes by and he's not able to get past this.

I'm curious: how much have been talking about this experience since? Like, have you been able to share your own emotional processing of it, or have you been worried about that being a weight on him? I ask because I know for me, when I went through that, it was really helpful to just hear what my gf was going through. The periods of mourning, the mourning lifting, feeling sex again, etc. I guess she kind of took the lead on being the more open one emotionally, I followed, and it became something we went through together. A very hard thing, yes, but ultimately not a divisive one.

I second this question. Is it possible that you are both somewhat cut off, and/or that your emotional resonances are cancelling each other out (or amplifying each other)? Perhaps gently opening the subject to discussion would be helpful.

 

 

 

And, yeah, some people genuinely do just need to kind off go into their own little mental hole, work out the wiring, so they can emerge shiny and intact (and study) again. But, of course, inside a relationship that can come at a cost. When one person is in that mental hole, the other feels a bit more alone, especially when sex, that great unifying force of romance, is taking a toll. So the risk is you emerge shiny and genuinely "fine," but now the other person isn't quite there, and you get on a bit of that see-saw.

 

Pregnancy, whether planned, unplanned, or terminated, is one of those places, I think, where a lot of men go into the mental hole. Like, it affects us too, it's something we're part of, but it's just impossible to relate to how it affects a woman. It's a bit of the irony of pregnancy, in that it's kind of the ultimate expression of what a man and woman can create through sex, but it also creates a bit of divide. Having gone through an abortion with someone I loved, I know I was pretty thrown, but really didn't know how to discuss that because it almost seemed like it was unfair to have been thrown since it was her body.

 

You guys sound great, very close, raising a family, etc. I'm curious: how much have been talking about this experience since? Like, have you been able to share your own emotional processing of it, or have you been worried about that being a weight on him? I ask because I know for me, when I went through that, it was really helpful to just hear what my gf was going through. The periods of mourning, the mourning lifting, feeling sex again, etc. I guess she kind of took the lead on being the more open one emotionally, I followed, and it became something we went through together. A very hard thing, yes, but ultimately not a divisive one.

Thank you for this. It's really helped me understand him. I've been able to talk about it, yes, and he was there for me for it all. I'm someone who lets it out once and then sort of goes on with their life. He was a part of the discussion of course, and we shared our thoughts on the loss. That's I think why it threw me a bit to learn he was still silently coping, but I'm very glad to know this now.

I'm mostly ok. I get reminded sometimes and do wonder what if, but it being there for my daughter and having her makes it easier day by day. Again, thank you for your compassionate response.

Hi BecxyR, I agree with Dan, read John Gray. Not just the Mars/Venus series, but all his books, articles, videos.

 

He explains in detail this confusing phenomenon from both the male and female perspectives; I've personally learned a lot from him.

 

And he gives good advice too re how to handle it, when your man goes into his so-called "cave" (for example), doesn't wish to (or not comfortable) opening up.

 

I am very much like you, I love talking, expressing emotions, communicating both verbally and non-verbally. Not right away it takes a while for me to open up, but once I do, watch out! lol

 

I have often found in my relationships with men who don't feel as free and open to share sensitive emotions, that leaving them alone really helps. Let them find their way toward you (which includes opening up to you) in their own time.

 

It seems the more a woman wants to talk and emote, the deeper into his cave he goes. Yin and yang.

 

It's not easy, because as women we are so different, but once you understand men's natures, it does get easier and becomes almost like a dance.

 

You might ask, well why do I need to understand his nature, why can't he understand mine? And that I feel insecure and need to talk? You are 100% right and John Gray explains that to men as well.

 

Might I suggest you both read John Gray and watch his videos together? It might give you both some valuable insight that would help you moving forward.

 

Also important are your respective love languages. I just went through this with my boyfriend because after seven months of being in the "honeymoon stage," I began to realize that he wasn't fully listening to me, "seeing" me. And it bothered me.

 

We talked the other night and I actually brought up the love languages (which he was familiar with) and he was open to exploring them together. During which we had what may be the most open and honest communique (and most intimate sex) I have ever had with a man.

 

And as a result we've reached a new level of emotional and sexual intimacy which feels awesome!

 

Bottom line it's all about understanding each other and working with each other within that level of understanding.

Hi Kat, thank you for your response! It's so funny you mention John Gray. Where I live we have these little free libraries that look like big bird houses on the street filled with books. I just exchanged my crime novel for "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" which I found sitting there. So now I'm even more excited to read it ;)

A few suggestions:

 

1. Love him as an imperfect human

Accept that he is indeed not as open with his emotions as are you. My bf is much more aware and open than I am, and he teaches me by saying "We need to communicate. I know you can't stand that, but it makes it much better." He also says, "If I am going to ask you to tell me things, then I need to be prepared to receive whatever it is you say." I feel completely safe when I talk to him. About anything. It helps if you will work hard to say, "Thank you for telling me."

 

2. Assume good intentions

Frame your understanding of his silence as a way of him protecting you. If you want him to open up more, you may need to demonstrate through your speech patterns and your actions that his words won't damage you. That you can hear him without trying to fix him. Also, without taking it personally. If you make it about you, then he has to work hard to articulate what is going on within himself so that he can be certain to express it in a way that makes it clear it is only about him. That can be a challenge, until we have resolved the feeling. By then, why bring it up? (My bf is teaching me to say, when it is all over: "I want to tell you something; its all good now, but for a while there I was processing some ideas that were uncomfortable...")

 

You may benefit from getting help keeping emotional boundaries between you and your bf, so that your feelings can remain stable while his vary. It is a skill you can build on your own or with professional assistance.

 

3. Frame this in terms of YOU not in terms of him.

 

"I need your help. I like our usual ways of connecting. I like our physical connectedness. Without it, I am starting to feel a bit adrift. Can you help reel me back in a bit?"

 

It takes two, but you can control only yourself. The most you can do is make yourself strong and love yourself from the inside out; make him aware of where you stand and why; make room for him to open up without feeling the need to punish him for not doing so previously; keep yourself going forward.

 

4. Think of three "people"

You, him, the relationship. The two of you stand together. No matter what, stand beside him and not against him. Engage him in the solution of raising up the relationship, because you are a team.

 

Question:

It sounds like he retreated to process and to mourn. He eventually came out of his shell enough to explain this to you. Now that this mystery has been resolved, why do you remain insecure about his commitment to you?

Thank you thank you thank you! Taking all of this to heart and will read over and over to remind myself.

I'm very happy he opened up. I'm just afraid he won't tell me when there's something wrong the next time, which takes a bit of practice to let go. I need to learn to let this expectation go I suppose.

Wow. You know, that was the one thing that would have shaken me too. On the one hand, you can't afford another child, but on the other hand, it's my child. And I wouldn't know how to discuss it either. On the surface, I would say the same thing. Everything's OK. We both decided it was the right thing to do. But deep down, it would bother me. Maybe he couldn't even verbalize it. Maybe he didn't even realize it was happening. And there's the fear that it could happen again.

 

Hopefully, you guys can push through this. Maybe you can use a second birth control measure like a spermicide jelly for a while just to give your boyfriend a little more reassurance. It might alleviate his fear of getting you pregnant again and hopefully he can get his groove back.

I'm sure you're right and that he didn't even know it was affecting him so much. I'm glad we can move forward now.

I might introduce some gendered dynamics, but not in ways others are. My guess is that a big, big chunk of this in particular has to do with the fact the abortion was your decision. I'm not saying he didn't agree with it, but it's your body, and it's your decision. And that's completely absent any judgment for my part. A miscarriage is a loss I think would be much easier to come together to overcome. Unless the lady was throwing herself down the stairs, it's not as though she played a part. Going off ITIC's advice and offering the benefit of assuming good intent (probably where anyone should be if they've engaged to be married), I would first assume he was worried he couldn't broach the subject without coming off as adversarial toward you, simply by virtue of it having been your procedure.

And, for what it's worth, even if he verbally agreed, he may not have emotionally agreed. Personally, I'm very much legally pro-choice. Until we can establish a scientifically supported baseline for fetal sentience-- if ever-- I believe every woman should have the right to decide whether to carry. However, within the context of my own life and potential offspring that's / whose DNA is half mine, I honestly am a lot less onboard when it comes to termination, even if still believing in my partner's right to decide as she sees fit for her own body. Now I'm not excusing him for not speaking up if he was feeling similarly, but particularly if he is more liberally minded, balancing "I don't want an abortion" with "I don't want my fiancee to feel like I don't 100% support her right or decision to terminate" can very well be easier said than done, especially when keeping in mind how difficult the decision to do so can be on a woman without their partner opposing.

But I don't know the context of your entire relationship. If he's got a habit of letting your sex life tank because he can't speak up, by all means, make that the issue. However, I wouldn't cut corners, and I wouldn't be too keen to isolate the issue as simply him not being open. One partner essentially being more "okay" with an abortion than the other is big, big, big deal. It is very often a game-breaker. Again, I'm just putting it out there as an option and not necessarily a determination. But I would very strongly implore you to look into couples counseling to try and reconcile this.

I'm just afraid he won't tell me when there's something wrong the next time, which takes a bit of practice to let go. I need to learn to let this expectation go I suppose.

Great mindset. It goes to IAmFCA's point (in an excellent post I've cut and pasted to read and reread) of loving him as an imperfect human—that this (be it sex or something else) might be a place where he snags and you flow a bit. Once you kind of accept that, it loses its mystery and potency, and then you can flow together.

It sounds like you guys have been together for a while, so I'm going to assume this dip in the sex life is an outlier—if so, then you've pinpointed the source. If it's something you've noticed from time to time, during various emotionally fraught moments where he gets closed off, or something that even before May was sometimes on your mind—well, that can be a really fun place to explore with a lighter backdrop.

And I second j.man on the counseling thing. I think counseling is just so awesome, almost to the point where I only date people who are in therapy/have been in therapy, just so I know it can be something that's brought up without the major alarm bells going off. It's like going to the gym together to tighten some neglected muscles, you know?

j.man, excellent points. Worth exploring for sure, however I’m fairly sure he’s not holding it against me so much. When we talked he expressed how sad it made him to see me go through it and how much of a failure he himself feels for not being able to support all of us, including unborn baby. It seemed when I was pregnant the decision to terminate came even more strongly from him just because we would take such a colossal financial dip. He was actually the one talking with reason while I was holding on to this unborn baby and the thought that perhaps we could make it work afterall. This isn’t to say he pushed me to do it btw. But I’d be veeeery surprised if he now feels the way you describe, but hey it’s not impossible. I feel we can pull through this one for sure, but counseling is always a good option, even just for the fact we’re engaged to be married.

Blue, yes you’re awesome. This is all very enlightening and I feel 100% better. Counseling should be beneficial, I’ll talk to him about it. I think he’ll be open.

I can vouch the IUD is very nice, being a formal pill consumer for years. It's low maintenance and I don't feel a thing. No more embarrassing timer to take the pill every single day of your life (and the proceeding heart attack after finding out you missed). Also, nothing you personally do affects its potency (medications, alcohol, behavior etc). Let me know if you have any questions.

I do wonder: are you the only one responsible for birth control? It takes two to make a baby, does/did he regularly use condoms? There is no judgement from me, as I believe both sexual partners are responsible for birth control. I understand why you may feel like the unplanned baby is your fault, but it is not. People are human, they make mistakes, but both sexual partners should at least be trying their best on their own - both! Condoms/spermacide for the men, and the others utilized by women.

While I strongly advocate for the IUD, the form of BC may not be the issue here. It could range from the loss of the baby, the fact there was unintentional conception possible, his true decision on abortion, or he feels irresponsible on his end (life situation, level of sexual protection). It would be good to identify the root cause of his feelings. Perhaps he could go to a sex therapist if this doesn't resolve after obtaining a low maintenance birth control (rules this out). For both parties, taking human error out of the equation can solve it, but sometimes these feelings go deeper.

You might not believe it, but men grieve. They grieve miscarriages and abortions. They grieve their babies. You need to understand that this is the case. And that he may look at your and your body differently as well. They are conditioned to believe that its the woman's choice and how dare they ask her to keep the baby. Even if it logically made sense to you to have in your mind, even if he was not ready for a kid either, grief is funny and its not a grief he can talk about with you - because it was a choice made not a kid being hit by a bus by accident or something so men feel they have no right to feel anything or to voice those feelings so why would he talk to you about it?. Many, many couples split after an abortion. If you want to stay together, you need to give him space on this and not bug him about "why don't you want sex with me".

You might not believe it, but men grieve. They grieve miscarriages and abortions. They grieve their babies. You need to understand that this is the case. And that he may look at your and your body differently as well. They are conditioned to believe that its the woman's choice and how dare they ask her to keep the baby. Even if it logically made sense to you to have in your mind, even if he was not ready for a kid either, grief is funny and its not a grief he can talk about with you - because it was a choice made not a kid being hit by a bus by accident or something so men feel they have no right to feel anything or to voice those feelings so why would he talk to you about it?. Many, many couples split after an abortion. If you want to stay together, you need to give him space on this and not bug him about "why don't you want sex with me".

I do understand, just had no idea that was happening. Glad I do now, we can definitely work through it. I also don't bug him about it. I'm not even sure where you got that from. I asked him once, let a few months go by and then talked to him again a few nights ago. Most of this has been internalized.