Unable to communicate / relationship concerns

I have been in a long distance relationship with my bf for two years and have moved back permanently to test things out for 6 months. When I returned, sex was good and we were happy, although sex always on his terms. I am living in between his house (he lives with his parents) and mine. He has no intention of moving out as he doesn’t want to be tied to a mortgage and doesn’t want marriage or children. We don’t talk about this or the future and at the moment basically communication about any issues end up in massive fights with him swearing and shouting down the phone calling me thick and mad.

His close friends have always made jokes/ comments about him being gay / including family members. He has never had a gf, just long term casual sex with kinky or older women. He hasn’t had many sexual partners (fear of getting an STD).

When I met him 4 years ago, he intrigued me by the amount of messages he sent me and the detail of the messages. All very sex based and exciting (like a 50 shades of grey novel). This was always over text and mainly words not action! We would always hang out in groups (he is very loyal and has a big group of male friends). When I stared getting feelings for him he cut contact as he knew I was moving overseas. This was really hard for me and eventually I blocked him. 2 years later and still living abroad, he Started sending messages, trying to get back in touch.

He said he was visiting where I was now living with a friend and I agreed to meet him. The passion was still there and he told me he’d be doing work where I was living and we could have a long distance relationship and travel back and forth to see one another.

His friends have always been his priority and where he seems to open up and smile and look happy. Most have gfs now which means they are forming their own lives and busy with gfs.

He plays football twice a week with two different groups and they have showers together. On alternate nights he gyms down and showers there. He doesn’t seem interested in quality time and has stopped initiating sex/ physical contact. Recently we tried anal and it was painful. I asked him to cuddle after and he said he was too hot and went to sleep without coming never me in the morning. I also noticed that In his sleep he moves up and down as if he’s clenching his bum. For the past 3 weeks, he has hardly touched or kissed me and I really needed this as we had a family death. He always hardly even messages me. He always uses work (despite having his own business) as a reason why he can’t do something I invite him to, like my family home for a meal etc.

Last week he made a move on me but was more interested in licking my ass and wanking than sex. I am really confused. He says he loves me but my gut is telling me otherwise. I really love him but I feel completely alone and this occupies my mind all the time. It’s killing me.

I recently had to use his laptop and saw the top hit on there was porn hub and recent searches of a girl he had a 5 year on and off casual affair with. I decided to look deeper into his search history and can see he is watching porn daily searching for things like “big c**k guy f***s huge girl, rope bondage and lots of anal and milf”. What’s worse is right before or after watching these, he’s searching two lovers he had long term sex affairs with.

This has absolutely shattered my self esteem. I take pride in my appearance and compared to these two girls am much more desirable. I tried to confront him and he said I sound like a psycho and is pretending nothing has happened.

I have taken a holiday for nearly 2 weeks to clear my head and have no idea what to do next. I’m considering walking away. Can you please advise?

Do you really need strangers telling you this relationship, if it ever was a relationship, is over? All right, then. It's over. This guy is disturbed. You glossed over the argument part, so I'm assuming you're having constant arguments which leads me to believe that this guy has been abusing you emotionally and has brainwashed you into accepting this kind of weird, twisted behavior. (And I'm not even talking about the anal sex.) Certainly calling you stupid and other insults is part of the emotional abuse syndrome. His friends calling him gay should have been a warning that there was something wrong with him.

The barrage of texts at the beginning is typical of an abuser grooming you for abuse. People get overwhelmed by the attention the abuser gives them initially. As you said, the texts were very exciting and you were probably flattered, and intrigued. No other man has probably done this for you before. But things usually go badly quickly, and then you're caught, unable to extricate yourself by a confused mixture of feelings while the abuser tears down your self-esteem and self-confidence making it more and more difficult to walk away.

You need to Google "emotional abuse" and "emotional dependency" to read more about what's happening to you.

Fortunately, you're not living with him. You need to get away from him and stay away from him. This is a toxic relationship and it sounds like it's getting worse. He may be planning to escalate his sexual activities. This guy has told you he doesn't want to move out from his parents, and he's not interested in a family. You're not going to change him, but he has changed you. Cut off all contact with him. Block him, delete him, cut him from your life. He is like a drug. It was exciting at first, but now it's killing you.

If you need help in figuring all this out, you can call an abuse hotline in your area to talk to someone. Also rely on your friends and family for support. You need help in getting away from this guy.

Go back home. He's a nasty sick pup. It ranges from abusive to sadistic. Not to mention how socially and emotionally severely stunted he is. He operates at the level of a 15 y/o. Leave asap.

-he lives with his parents. He has no intention of moving out

-he doesn’t want to be tied to a mortgage

-doesn’t want marriage or children.

-him swearing and shouting down the phone calling me thick and mad.

-When I stared getting feelings for him he cut contact as he knew I was moving overseas.

-His friends have always been his priority

-He doesn’t seem interested in quality time and has stopped initiating sex/ physical contact.

-Recently we tried anal and it was painful. he has hardly touched or kissed me

Last week he made a move on me but was more interested in licking my ass and wanking than sex

I literally gagged.

This guy is all sorts of messed up. You need to get away and stay away for your own mental well being, seriously.

I am sorry, this guy seems to have absolutely no positive qualities and you are interested in him for what reason? Wouldn't you be happier alone than in this nightmare? Leave immediately and get yourself into some therapy to figure out why you would settle for this level of abuse and to prepare you for a healthier relationship in the future.

Is he your first boyfriend?

Thanks for the replies. He is my bf, yes. He did admit that when he is arguing with me that he feels like he is being abussive by the way he is talking to me. It is only when we argue and I infuriate him so much with what I am upset about. It’s got to the point that I don’t even know what I’ve been arguing about.

It started with wanting to talk more on the phone when I was away. (He would only call when he was driving back form the gym, and I’d be on my way home from work).

Then it stared with me wanting more quality time. We spent most of this summer time with his friends and their gfs. I don’t mind that I just don’t know how to develop a deep friendship when you don’t have exciting things planned or to look forward to.

My main concern now is the lack of intimacy, touch and connection. I believe all spiralling from the porn. Also, the googling of ex lovers before or after. I tried to confront it over text message and we need to have a discussion face to face when I am back from my trip tomorrow.

He is not a bad person deep down and has been brought up very well with a wonderful mom and dad. He is highly intelligent and handsome. He is an only child and an introvert. His friends say he has always been someone that doesn’t reveal his emotions or depth. He is however always there for someone when he needs them.

When I had the funeral last week, he moved his meetings to come with me and left before the ceremony after. That evening my parents had some food at my house which my sister and her friends (and their bfs) and my friend all attended. When I left his to go (he was sleeping on his bed) I messaged saying he’s more than welcome to join. He said he had work. I really needed him there and couldn’t complain because he came to the funeral. Are my expectations too much?

I just can’t put my finger on why I can’t just be happy. Something he asks me all the time? Why can’t you just be happy and naturally things will progress her better. Every week for the past 2 years I have just been moaning about him or to him.

I feel like I need to be happy alone before I can with someone else! I am very confused and struggle to communicate why I feel like this.

On a seperate note:

Has anyone here ever thrusted in their sleep and can you advise on what this could be?

You're unhappy because he wants you to be and induces it with sadistic and abusive behavior. All abusers are described by their friends and family as mr wonderful. Then they turn their sick behavior on the selected target...in this case you.

Stop communicating with him. Everything you tell him good or bad will give him tips on how to treat you even worse. When you tell him what upsets you he'll do it more. When you tell him what makes you happy, he'll withhold that. In fact, he's proud of being an abuser, he even stated as much. Abusing you gives him the power and control an overgrown spoiled brat living with his parents lacks.

Read up on abusive relationships and you'll finally understand why you're upset and unhappy. Or stay with this jerk and endure his abuse,cheating and weird and sadistic sexual proclivities. But then stop feeling like a victim, because you are choosing to be masochistic.

He did admit that when he is arguing with me that he feels like he is being abussive by the way he is talking to me.

It is only when we argue and I infuriate him so much with what I am upset about.

It’s got to the point that I don’t even know what I’ve been arguing about.

My main concern now is the lack of intimacy, touch and connection.

I just can’t put my finger on why I can’t just be happy.

I just can’t put my finger on why I can’t just be happy.

Come on girl, please. There are so many huge red flags and he is bordering on abusive in so many areas.

You can do better than him!!!

I hope you come to your senses and get away from him. He has nothing to offer you but more pain and worse self esteem.

You really do deserve so much more than this.

I have been in a long distance relationship with my bf for two years and have moved back permanently to test things out for 6 months. When I returned, sex was good and we were happy, although sex always on his terms. I am living in between his house (he lives with his parents) and mine. He has no intention of moving out as he doesn’t want to be tied to a mortgage and doesn’t want marriage or children. We don’t talk about this or the future

These things alone would have been deal breakers for me. Living at his parents - ack. Doesn't want to be tied down - nope. Does not want to discuss the future - a clue that he does not view a future for your relationship. Or, for that matter, a future for himself.

Even beside the above, there is a good chance that he is bi - given the joking from his buddies and family who know him very well. And yes, you could still have a committed and monogamous relationship with someone that is bi. But you are not satsfied with or happy with your current relationship, so it does not seem worth working hard on it to preserve it.

I suggest you go to counseling to explore why you are clinging to such a negative relationship that is so ill suited to you.

You deserve so much more.

Oh, and the fact that he didn't support you through the family death - he is not going to change. He is showing you who he is, and that is who he would be in the future.

Move on to find someone more supportive.