Extremely angry, sad, crazy at my girlfriend.

Hello. So I have been in a relationship for just over a year. My girlfriend even since the beginning has numerous times cancelled plans when we were to be together. Whether going out, hang out at home or whatever.

She is very I'll now. She was just diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago. But she is doing well now with treatment.

Anyhow, she always cancels.on me, long before the cancer. But now, I feel.like she has the perfect excuse. I know that sounds mean. But again, she did this before. She always say things like I have a headache, don't feel well, etc.

Sometimes she says it is because so.ething came up

To do with her daughter

So yesterday we spent the day together. Had a good time. After we went home, we text each other and made plans to meet up again today around 5pm after I got off work.

So in the morning we text good morning I go to work. At 3pm I text her to ask if we are still on. She replies YES.

So I get out of work at 5. I look at my phone. She text me at 4:30 with " baby I have a headache" and that she really wanted to see me, but she not feeling well.

Again..she has done this numerous times. I would say 7 out of 10 times we make plans, she cancels them on me.

So today when she cancelled, I was not mad at all, at first. I was kinda sad and dissapointed. But I told her it's Ok and I understand.

I drive towards my home. Then my car breaks down on the freeway. Radiootor blown. I'm still not mad. Just feel kinda bad..but i keep good spirits.

Well I get home..and it's about 11 almost midnight. I can't sleep. I Start thinking about how she canceled on me today..and with such short notice. I start to remmebrinf all the times she has done it.

Now I begin to get angry...and even more angry. I can't sleep. And now I am thinking of ways to "Get even"

Like ignore her calls for a day or 2. Or to send her some mean texts to try and make her feel bad.

I even feel.like I want to break up with her. AGAIN! ( we have one of those break up, to make up relationships)

But tonight right now. I can't even stand thinking about her. I feel so angry with her, I wish that I could never see or talk to her again.

It's happened many times before and I have been angry over it sometimes. But this time

.I feel REAALY angry. I feel.like I actually hate her.

Like really I hate her. But so can't do anything about it. And that makes me more angry. I just don't know what to do. Any advice? Thank you.

Wow. You need to end things. You resent her and are mad at her for not being entertaining enough for you while she has cancer. You are not mature enough to handle any relationship, no less one with someone who is ill and needs a decent bf to be supportive.

She is very I'll now. She was just diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago. But she is doing well now with treatment. she always cancels on me, long before the cancer. But now, I feel.like she has the perfect excuse..

Just break up. Truly. This woman has cancer. You can’t wonder why she doesn’t feel well? Cancer just didn’t appear the day she was diagnosed you know. It can be there for years before. Kids have things come up.

Seriously, if this life is not for you break up. She has enough issues.

No. I resent her because she always makes plans, and I get happy. Then she cancels them and I feel.like . Ok forget the part about the cancer. What about the other 9.months she did this before she knew about the cancer?

You don't think she is a little inconsiderate? Or lacks the empathy and understanding that she is hurting me when she does this?

Yes I get things happen and sometimes plans have to be canceled. But it is so often with her.

No. I resent her because she always makes plans, and I get happy. Then she cancels them and I feel.like . Ok forget the part about the cancer. What about the other 9.months she did this before she knew about the cancer?

 

You don't think she is a little inconsiderate? Or lacks the empathy and understanding that she is hurting me when she does this?

 

Yes I get things happen and sometimes plans have to be canceled. But it is so often with her.

Dude, she had CANCER the 9 months before now too. They just didn’t know it. You get that, right ??? Cancer doesn’t just spring up the day you’re diagnosed .

You need to break up with her so she can restore her health in peace and then find a real man.

Break up. Wait....she has cancer and you're accusing her of lack of empathy and hurting you because she cancels plans?

Ok forget the part about the cancer. Or lacks the empathy and understanding that she is hurting me when she does this?

Just tossing this out there, but do you think it's possible your extreme anger at her *now* is misplaced, and what you are actually feeling is fear and frustration that she has cancer and you can't help her?

It a real thing. Sometimes, people get angry at loved ones when they become very ill, when in reality they are *scared* -- of possibly losing them (among other things), and frustrated they can't help.

Same when a loved one dies, they feel angry at the person. I felt that way after my dad died. It's anger misplaced.

Something to consider.

I cannot believe I am reading this.

Coming from a medical background, someone can be sick for years, and go undiagnosed. Those 9 months, I am positive she was just sick. Probably extremely fatigued.

The times she was canceling, I am positive she was doing it out of sickness.

Take a good look at yourself as a person, and move on, so she can find someone who can stay by her side during these tremendously difficult times.

Just tossing this out there, but do you think it's possible your extreme anger at her *now* is misplaced, and what you are actually feeling is fear and frustration that she has cancer and you can't help her?

 

It a real thing. Sometimes, people get angry at loved ones when they become very ill, when in reality they are *scared* -- of possibly losing them (among other things), and frustrated they can't help.

 

Same when a loved one dies, they feel angry at the person. I felt that way after my dad died. It's anger misplaced.

 

Something to consider.

OP, please google "anger at loved one when ill." I cannot link right now but there is an excellent article by Dr. Laura A. Sills, Psy.D called "Are You Angry At Someone Who is Sick?" that may explain what you're feeling.

Not all that uncommon, our emotions can be pretty complex and confusing sometimes.

You need to end this.

Look, if there was no cancer, this would be something you could talk about—a not unusual dynamic where you need to express needing a bit more.

But that is SO not the case here. She is seriously ill, has been seriously ill since you met, and all you should be feeling right now is compassion for her. You now know why she was cancelling in the past—she was simply seriously sick—and yet you're still angry?

I wonder how katrina's comment sits with you, if maybe what you're now feeling is a lot of fear/being overwhelmed by things, that you've got some misplaced anger here. Still, if that's the case the answer is therapy, not projecting it onto a woman you ostensibly love who has been dealing with cancer since you met her.

O..M..G

This is easily the most horrible and selfish post I have ever read....SHE HAS CANCER.

I've got nothing else to say. It doesn't deserve words.

Break up with her, you will only add to her suffering.

I agree with everyone else, but I don't understand why you can't just go over to her place and help her with her daughter and other things around the house. That's what a real relationship means. You keep "making plans." How about just bringing some takeout food to her place and comforting her when she's sick? It seems more like you're angry that you can't go out and have fun. Well, she's not having much fun. You would probably be doing her a favor by letting her alone and finding someone else you can party with.

Check out the article that katrina mentions: http://www.drlsills.com/are-you-angry-at-someone-who-is-sick/

Without realizing it, we may show great intolerance to and irritation with a person’s limitations when they are sick. We expect to have our loved one back in full swing; normal again. When this does not happen, we lose a part of them. We don’t recognize that we are also losing something and we often blame the person who is ill.

You have certain hopes and expectations, and are not in an easy position. It might help to talk to a professional about what you are feeling, and what to do. Can you be the boyfriend she needs while she is going through this?

I think going on dates with you and making plans is the least of her worries. Considering she has cancer!

OP if you need someone more available then I suggest you break up.

With Cancer she needs someone who can be there through it all! That includes her feeling sick most of the time.

Lisa

It takes an incredible amount of understanding, compassion, patience and kindness.

Her priorities right now are to remain alive. Dating is far out of her mind (as it would be anyone's with cancer).

She needs a partner who will be there to help her through this in any way possible without you worrying about your needs.

She is going to go through the toughest battle of her life.

I don't think you have it in you, OP, to handle this by the way you write about it.

I was seriously ill a few years ago and I tried to keep up with all the things the guy I was dating at the time was doing and wanted me there for. I tried so hard I put myself in the hospital. Three times.

She is being smart by not pushing herself.

Also, she is probably terrified she won't be there for her child growing up, so of course she will prioritize time with her!

If you feel like doing the things you want to do with a partner is more important than her health, then please do her a favor and end the relationship. Explain that you need someone to do things with. Then find someone who has no health issues and has nothing else going on so she can be available any time you want her to be.

It takes an incredible amount of understanding, compassion, patience and kindness.

 

Her priorities right now are to remain alive. Dating is far out of her mind (as it would be anyone's with cancer).

 

She needs a partner who will be there to help her through this in any way possible without you worrying about your needs.

 

She is going to go through the toughest battle of her life.

 

I don't think you have it in you, OP, to handle this by the way you write about it.

I agree with Sherry, however and jmo, OP if you could understand why you are having these feelings (by reading the article I mentioned and journeynow linked and perhaps others discussing same), it might help you to be less angry at her, more understanding of what she's experiencing so you could be there for her versus feeling rejected, resentful and whatever other negative emotions you are feeling towards her.

I have dealt with both terminal illness (my mom) and death (both my mom and dad). And there were times I did feel as you are feeling, again it's not uncommon.

But when you learn where that anger stems from, and not just that you "hate" your girlfriend (it's actually the opposite), it really helps to put things in proper perspective so you can help her get through this incredibly difficult struggle.

Hi Eden305,

With this barrage of comments about your post, it is possible that you might not want to read any additional replies. I hope that you are reading this. It s important that you really know how a cancer can debilitate a person and literally snuff the life out of a person. There is pain, real searing pain, and weakness, on top of dizziness, nausea, etc. Any cancer patient’s love one requires a long, long, long rope of patience. You need to see it from her perspective. Consider watching videos or movies of people who have cancer.

But you also have to deal with your anger, this is why these reasonable people reacted to your post. Here is an excellent book called “Anger: Taming a Powerful Emotion” that might help you get a better handle of your emotions. I am not suggesting in any way that you have anger management, all I am saying is that this book might help you become a better person. I hope you will.