Can’t move on

Hello,

I’m new here. This is my first post. I’ve been scouring the Internet looking for a place that might be able to offer me some advice. I hope this is the right place. Please let me know if I’ve made any etiquette errors. I thought break up would be the most accurate place for this but I’m not sure.

I was in a relationship very young for about 2 years. The relationship ended 13 years ago. He was physically violent, controlling and possessive. My therapist and I decided it was time to work through these memories because I struggle with anxiety and sometimes these memories if triggered send me into a panic attack. The problem is I can’t stop obsessing over the situation now. I didn’t handle our break up very well but my memory is foggy since it was 13 years ago. I remember being very upset and crying when he suggested it was time to move on. I remember sending him an email a little while after the break up and asking to remain friends. I remember messaging him sometimes to chat to keep our friendship but that’s it from what I remember. When Facebook first came out I saw his profile pop up but I distinctly remember not adding him as a friend. The next day I wanted to check his profile out just out of curiosity since it had been 2 years since I’d even though about him. But when I went to check his profile was gone and I had been blocked. I had been blocked. I didn’t really think about it much after that and then I met my now husband (been together for 10 years now) and it all got shoved down.

I ended up somewhere that put the ex and I in close proximity. When I walked by him I never said hi or even acknowledged him. I had a severe panic attack afterwards and stopped going places I knew he could possibly be. Then I couldn’t even hear his name, if a movie had someone with his name I’d have to shut it off or else I’d start to panic. I assume this was because of the trauma from the violence I experienced.

Fast forward a few years I do something stupid and send him a message on two social media accounts, the message was really short, unfamiliar and a simple “thank-you” for something he had done for my family the previous year. I won’t go into detail but the message had nothing to do with us and was written as if I was thanking a neighbour for picking my garbage cans up. It’s been a few years since I sent the messages and I haven’t gotten a reply. I didn’t think about it again until a few months ago when his name was brought up to me. I completely lost it and went into a panic attack again. I realized something wasn’t right with how I’m reacting so during my regular therapy session I decided to ask my therapist if I should work on this. My therapist agreed. But now I think I’ve made a mistake. I can’t stop thinking about him, mainly about our past, why did he block me? Did I scare him? I replay everything over in my head and I really think I reacted normally for a girl my age at the time but maybe I didn’t and maybe I traumatized him. My brain keeps making suggestions to me like “write him a letter” but I know that’s absolurely ridiculous. Why am I still hanging onto this 13 years later? I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt in my stomach. I desperately want to apologize but I don’t even know for what. All these years I was thinking about me and physical violence I went through but maybe I was actually the bad person. I don’t know how to move on and stop letting this consume me. I can’t sleep. I want to talk to him but I know that’s impossible. After two messages on social media accounts I would look completely unstable if I tried to contact him again in any way. If I were him it would worry me if I started getting messages from someone I didn’t reply to and have actively blocked many many years ago. Am I reading too much into it? His social media hasn’t been updated since before I sent those messages so maybe they were never seen and I’m creating all these problems in my head when in reality he blocked me because we were young “exes” and that’s what people did back then.

I don’t think it’s him I’m obsessing over, I’m just obsessing over this situation. I have so many unanswered questions and I don’t know how to move on when I can’t get the answers. I wanted the sessions with my therapist to focus on moving past the violence so I don’t flinch when someone raises their hand near me or run away if a male starts to get loud.. but I seem to have opened a much larger can of worms.

I'm very sorry for what you're going through, but I'm afraid to say you're still suffering from PTSD from this relationship. You might want to look for another therapist because after 13 years, you should have made much more progress than you have.

You need to Google "emotional abuse" and "emotional dependency." You will see that victims blame themselves for their abuse. This is part of the syndrome, and it's the reason that the abused can't leave their abusers. They feel that if they can just communicate their needs properly, or if they can just do something differently, the abuse will stop. But the problem with this is the abuser will always find a reason to abuse even more. And for you, even though you were lucky enough that he broke up with you, he is basically still abusing you in your mind.

First of all, do not contact your abuser again! Absolutely No Contact." You're subconsciously trying to bring him back into your life. No more letters, emails, or searching for his Facebook page. He will not give you the answers you need.

Instead, you need to work on your self-esteem. Part of the abuse is the abuser beats down your self-confidence which allows you to accept the abuse. Someone with high self-esteem would walk out the door when the abuser started his abuse, but by beating you down little by little, you stayed for more.

Part of the abuse is isolating you from your friends and relatives. Have you told your husband about the abuse? You need support either from your family, friends or your husband. You have to talk about what happened. This is why you are having problems because you're still not understanding what happened to you. Talking about it can help you. Other people can tell you about the things that you're in denial about. Your boyfriend abused you. He took advantage of your gentle and caring nature. Some victims were abused or saw abuse when they were younger. Do you have that in your childhood? If so, it's possible you were primed for the abuse.

You need to fight back against this. You need to get back your spirit. People love you. You are important. You can recover. Try to concentrate on the good things in your life. And if anyone tries to hurt you again, you fight back. You can do it! You can get back the 13 years of torture you have suffered and live a fear-free life.

Also having suffered physical abuse is even worse and has scarred you. You need to understand none of this was your fault. You're a victim. You should hate your abuser for what he did to you. You should not be worried about him because he's not worried about you. Did he even recognize you? He doesn't care about anyone but himself.

Thank-you so much for replying. This is a fairly new therapist sorry I didn’t clarify that originally. The therapist asked what we should work on and I suggested this.

You’re right, I really do blame myself. It’s frustrating that I can’t remember a lot. I just keep thinking how I did something wrong. I know I have to stop trying to contact him you’re absolutely right. I don’t understand why I feel so compelled to do so. It’s like my emotions take over my brain and I’m consumed by needing to talk to him and ask him questions. But the few times I’ve actually seen him in public I run away and hide until he’s gone. I know deep down he’d never answer my questions like you said but I just hold onto this hope that some day we would sit down and talk about it but I have to let that go.

I have absolutely no self confidence. My husband is aware but I feel bad saying too much about the ex because we were young and I feel like he was just lashing out because of his own problems so I hate to drag him through the mud. So I haven’t really told anyone details just been vague about it. Yes. I was abused in my childhood.

Thank you for those reminders, I always feel scared I’m a bad person and that I deserved what has happened to me. Then I feel bad for saying I’m a victim because I think people will think I’m asking for sympathy. I just feel very broken right now

I think I walks by him so fast that he may not have realized it was me. But the family member I was with said hello to him because he had helped that family member not too long before the interaction. Which was what the messages I sent were about. I’m trying to keep it vague for privacy but I hope that made sense. He did see my husband in the hallway of a building once and said hello butnthen when a family member told ex that was my husband the next time they saw each other in the hallways ex turned quickly back into the room he had just left and shut the door.

I think it’s been hard because over the last 13 years incidences like that have happened and then I obsess over them. I feel like we’ve been indirectly connected. I always felt during our relationship that we had a special bond but I suppose everyone feels that way with the people they are dating.

I really appreciate your message.

Well, I would reiterate that you Google "emotional abuse" and read up about the subject. Many of these sites have people writing in sharing their stories, and you can get some closure by reading their stories. Also, there are abuse hotlines in your area where you can just talk to someone when you're feeling lonely or upset. It's terrible that you have to keep seeing your abuser and that he's even friends with your family. It makes recovery even more difficult. You can post on ENA any time you need advice on how to handle things.

Sorry to hear this. An excellent workup by a doctor MD to be evaluated for whatever anxiety, depression or OCD disorders you may have would be a good place to start. Clearly rehashing a past you can't change and barely remember is making matters much worse.

You "can't move on" because for some strange reason this "therapist" is forcing you to live in the past and keeps reopening your wounds and stopping you from healing. It this "therapist" licensed? There are a lot of quacks and charlatans who rehash and try to create and/or embellish "past memories" in order to traumatize you further to generate income.

With a proper workup, diagnosis and treatment you'll be able to manage much better. Get an expert evaluation by a licensed qualified doctor and a referral to a licensed qualified psychologist.

My therapist and I decided it was time to work through these memories because I struggle with anxiety. my memory is foggy since it was 13 years ago. I can’t stop thinking about him, mainly about our past, why did he block me? Why am I still hanging onto this 13 years later? I don’t know how to move on and stop letting this consume me. I don’t think it’s him I’m obsessing over, I’m just obsessing over this situation.

Most men who are controlling/abusive continue to bother and harass their victim years later. It doesn’t sound like he’s been bothering you since you’ve broken up— or has he?

You don’t want to be friends with him. Be thankful that he blocked you. You are better off. If you are still having nightmares years later, seeing a therapist would be the best bet. Remember that you deserve better. Things will get better with time. Have you had any other relationships?

She's been with her husband to 10 years.

I see a psychotherapist. He is licensed. I live in Canada and he is covered under our healthcare so it’s no cost to me. I believe he wants me to live in the past and open these old wounds because I never really dealt with them and with the constant panic attacks any time I was reminded of him or the situation it was overtaking my life. J need to work through it. I just don’t know what to work through, the violence or my worries and obsessions that I did something bad to him but can’t remember. He bothered me a bit at first but then started to act like he never even knew me. It just doesn’t feel like a situation that will heal in time, it’s been 13 years already.

It's odd he won't refer you to a doctor for appropriate treatment of anxiety, depression and OCD. All of which respond to medical management. It's sad that this therapist agreed to let you wallow and ruminate and obsess and refuses to help you and refer you for appropriate treatment.

Obviously someone you dated 13 yrs ago and have a "foggy" recollection of is not causing the underlying problems with ruminating, paralyzing anxiety, etc. It's also bizarre that this therapist doesn't address your current 10 yr. marriage and all of it's problems or your family or job stress.

I see a psychotherapist. He is licensed. I live in Canada and he is covered under our healthcare so it’s no cost to me.

I don’t have any problems in my marriage. It’s an amazing marriage. We have discussed my current life and family but most of the things that I struggle dealing with he sees as being related to past trauma I never worked through.

I have also seen a psychiatrist who prescribed me medication. It helped to ease some symptoms but after mild progress with trying countless different medications it was suggested I try CBT and exposure therapy to work passed and deal with my triggers from my abusive childhood and the things that went on with this ex.

I have very vivid memories of the relationship, just not everything. I’d like to remember more of the conversations we had or good times. But all I remember are the very bad incidences of violence. So it’s just certain moments that I remember that cause me to haven panic attacks. Things happen in my life and it takes me back to those moments.

I don’t really see how this therapist has refused to help me or how he’s not giving me proper treatment.. sorry. But thank-you for your response.

Did you discontinue medications?

I have also seen a psychiatrist who prescribed me medication. It helped to ease some symptoms but after mild progress with trying countless different medications it was suggested I try CBT.

Nope, I still take a medication that helped the most with symptoms.