Not sure if she said "no" to a date or not.

A couple days ago, I asked a girl who I've known for a while out on a date over the phone. Or rather, I asked her what her schedule is, because I was wondering if she wanted to go on a date (and yes, I flat-out used the word "date" when I talked to her to avoid any misconceptions). She said that she didn't know her schedule, because her job told her she has to be ready at a moment's notice for the next two weeks. I left it by saying (with a friendly chuckle and a casual/breezy/"no worries" kind of way), "Ahh darn it, well, if your schedule opens up...lemme know."

Here's where I'm stuck. It's quite possible that, in reality, she meant "no," but she didn't want to say the word "no" and hurt my feelings. I'm definitely not discounting that possibility. On the other hand, because of what her job is and how busy she is, her lack of certain availability for the next two weeks (weekends included) actually is a believable excuse in this particular case.

So, if two weeks pass, and I don't hear back...should I ask again, or should I just move on? I really like this girl, but at the same time, I don't want to be pushy...not to mention that I only want to go on a date with her if it's something she'd legitimately be interested in doing. What do you all think?

Have you met in person? How do you know her? Is there any place you can run into her? I think if you see her in person that might be the best time to ask her again.

Have you met in person? How do you know her? Is there any place you can run into her? I think if you see her in person that might be the best time to ask her again.

We've known each other for a few years and have a ton of mutual friends. It's not like we see each other every day, but we definitely see each other reasonably frequently (2-4 times a month). So the odds all but guarantee that I will run into her again.

But do you think I should ask her again, or just permanently leave it in her court?

You need to face that the fact you chickened out there. You never actually asked you out. You were basically telling her to call you to ask you out. You need to call her up and ask her if you can take her out on Friday night. If she says no, say, how about Saturday. Let her turn you down before jumping to assumptions. You basically turned yourself down by being fuzzy about what you were asking. If you are hoping for romance, preface your question by telling her you like her and want to take her out. Don't chicken out again!

You need to face that the fact you chickened out there. You never actually asked you out. You were basically telling her to call you to ask you out. You need to call her up and ask her if you can take her out on Friday night. If she says no, say, how about Saturday. Let her turn you down before jumping to assumptions. You basically turned yourself down by being fuzzy about what you were asking. If you are hoping for romance, preface your question by telling her you like her and want to take her out. Don't chicken out again!

Well, for whatever it's worth, my line of thinking was that I didn't want to seem pushy by boxing myself into a, "What about Friday? Not available. OK, what about Saturday? Not available. OK, how about Monday?"-type situation. Perhaps that may come across as chickening out, but it's not that I was afraid to do that, I just didn't think it would be polite. I wanted to give her some breathing room and not give off a, "GO ON A DATE WITH ME OR ELSE!"-vibe. Plus, her schedule really is that unpredictable, so I didn't want to make plans without knowing when I should make them.

With that in mind, I'm open to the idea that I was in the wrong in doing that. Perhaps I should have asked for a specific day. That said, what happened happened. So, what do you think I should do going forward--and about her, not just in general?

A couple days ago, I asked a girl who I've known for a while out on a date over the phone. Or rather, I asked her what her schedule is, because I was wondering if she wanted to go on a date (and yes, I flat-out used the word "date" when I talked to her to avoid any misconceptions). She said]that she didn't know her schedule, because her job told her she has to be ready at a moment's notice for the next two weeks. I left it by saying (with a friendly chuckle and a casual/breezy/"no worries" kind of way), "Ahh darn it, well, if your schedule opens up...lemme know."

 

First off I think it's fine you asked her schedule especially since you followed that up by saying you'd like to take her out on a date. I never minded that, and if I were interested, I'd give him the days I was available and we'd schedule a date.

Secondly, so she's not allowed any sort of social life because she's on call for two weeks? I have never heard of that. Before I started dating my current boyfriend, I dated a man who was constantly on call. We managed to spend quite a bit of time together. Sometimes he would get a call and need to cut the date short, which I understood.

I am curious, when you responded by saying "lemme know when your schedule opens up" did she respond to that? If so, what did she say?

An interested woman would have responded "absolutely"! Or something similar to that, indicating interest.

A non-interested woman would ignore it or been apathetic about it.

Agree with Katrina, if she is interested, she would respond enthusiastically.

Since you see her 2-4 times a month, you should wait til you see her and really ask her out.

First off I think it's fine you asked her schedule especially since you followed that up by saying you'd like to take her out on a date. I never minded that, and if I were interested, I'd give him the days I was available and we'd schedule a date.

 

Secondly, so she's not allowed any sort of social life because she's on call for two weeks? I have never heard of that. Before I started dating my current boyfriend, I dated a man who was constantly on call. We managed to spend quite a bit of time together. Sometimes he would get a call and need to cut the date short, which I understood.

 

I am curious, when you responded by saying "lemme know when your schedule opens up" did she respond to that? If so, what did she say?

 

An interested woman would have responded "absolutely"! Or something similar to that, indicating interest.

 

A non-interested woman would ignore it or been apathetic about it.

She works two jobs--one of which, I believe, is always on the weekends. So, combine a weekend job, plus a job that she's on call for, and top it off with the fact that she's a little over an hour's drive from where I live--in good traffic--and it didn't strike me as the most implausible of excuses. Implausible enough to make me wonder if she was just letting me down easy? Sure. But not implausible enough for me to automatically believe she was fibbing.

As for what she said and how she said it, I...don't fully recall. Because while I acted confident and breezy, I was in a blurry, partial state of, "Holy crap, I can't believe I'm doing this." That blurry state was increased by her answer. I mentally rehearsed for both a "yes" and "no" answer so that I wouldn't be caught off-guard, but I wasn't expecting the "I don't know" answer and was caught totally off-guard. I'm almost tempted not to share my vague recollection since I could be wrong, but I vaguely recall her saying something like, "Yeah, totally!" with what sounded like a happy, smiley tone.

So, it sounds like perhaps an in-person follow-up (if I don't hear back) is warranted. Should I ask for her schedule again, or should I just flat-out pick a day this time?

You did fine-- relatively so. In the future, ask for a day and time, or even just a day would work. Just because you should, not necessarily because you're ruining big opportunities otherwise.

She knows you're interested in a date. For all intents and purposes, you invited her out on one. She either gets back to you or she doesn't. I'd leave it be and keep your options open.

 

She knows you're interested in a date. For all intents and purposes, you invited her out on one. She either gets back to you or she doesn't. I'd leave it be and keep your options open.

Agreeing with j.man here OP.

Some good advice in previous posts.

Dating again after a twenty year marriage has been a huge leading curve for me and one thing I worked out quickly is to chose your words wisely when asking a women on a date.

Never ask her out as a question....

"I was wondering if you want to go on a date next week for dinner? Are you free Wednesday?

Always use "I" statements, but never leading to a question or an option to say no easily. After she has said yes, questions are ok and always add a nice compliment to to start. Mine is just an example, use something that you find attractive about her.....

I think you're amazing...... I would like to take you out on a date next Wednesday. I know a great restaurant and I know you'll love it"

Don't be scared to be very direct (pushy) also, with lots women it comes across as confidence and a bit cheeky......

"I think you're amazing..... I'm taking you out next Wednesday on a date, so we can get to know each other a little better. I know a great restaurant that you'll love"

Say it with a smile on your face and you'll be surprised his often you'll get a yes.

Also when a woman's attracted to you, she won't let the opportunity pass to go on a date, even if she is on call with work. I think she fobbed you off.

Even if she is that busy with her job, if she liked you, I think she would have said something like, "I'm really busy these days, but maybe Thursday evening could work?" Or whatever, or saying she could meet you in 3 weeks. Something that was more encouraging. I do hope she comes back and tells you a free day so you can go out with her.... but don't be waiting around for it either.

Part of me is thinking that she has low interest due to not suggesting a day or some type of alternative. It could also be that she was nervous and excited and her brain stopped or she didn't know what to say or how to manage the situation. She might be kicking herself for not suggesting something, but was also waiting for you to suggest something and take the lead. Instead of dropping the ball so fast, "Okay, lemme know," you could have said, "That's okay. What do you think about Friday, and if you get called in, that's okay." "Is there a day that is less busy and you're less likely to get called in?" On that, I'm with you in that it's hard to say whether she was letting you down gently or she simply hopes for more time or a more predictable schedule in the near future. With two jobs, one of which requires her to be on call 24/7, she sounds terribly busy and might not want to pursue a relationship. She may want to pursue a relationship, but feels she can't or shouldn't due to her lifestyle at this time.

The question is if you can manage around her busy life...is this something you wish to pursue, knowing that her time is sparse and limited?

If you see her in person often enough, you can ask her again in person, or watch how she behaves around you. Does she act avoidant? "Oh no, he asked me out...need to avoid him; don't want to lead him on." Does she greet you enthusiastically? Does she try to be in your orbit a lot...fishing line extended? "Ask me out." Good luck!

Excellent. You asked her out and left the ball in her court. However next time do not ask for some's schedule. It's unnecessary. Simply ask are you free x,y or z days or this weekend, whatever. Also, she works a lot and it's too far so perhaps she sees it as a long shot or simply inconvenient or nonviable.

I flat-out used the word "date" when I talked to her to avoid any misconceptions. I left it by saying, "Ahh darn it, well, if your schedule opens up...lemme know."

Here is some food for thought for you OP.

When you ask a generic question like what's their schedule looking like, you are liable to get a generic answer - busy busy busy. People are thinking and responding in broad terms.

However, when you ask a more specific question, like are you free for a date on Saturday, now you are narrowing things down. Sure, I might be busy on Saturday and on call for one job and have to go into work in the evening for the second job, but I have a couple of hours to meet up for lunch. When you are more specific, you are changing the perspective to something more constructive. Even if the response is that they are working all day, you can then lead to what day they are more free. So you open up a concrete conversation and can nail down a plan. If you ask specifics and keep getting the busy busy, now you know that they are probably not interested but afraid to be so blunt.

As for telling her to get back to you. Honestly, a lot of women out there never will. You are putting the burden on her to ask you out and it's not likely to happen. So to answer your question, yes, you should follow up and ask her again and when you do, do be more specific. Don't fish around with "how is your schedule now" because you'll just set yourself up to keep getting the same answer.

Personally I don't think she knows if she likes you or not. Let her think about things for awhile. Next time you see her, don't bring it up again and just see how she acts towards you.

Sometimes people need a bit of time to marinade the idea. I'd let some time pass and Gage her behaviour towards you. If she is different in your next run-ins, I'd just leave it. If she is very friendly towards you I'd ask her again. You need that happy medium.

I don't think you have to ask about her schedule. Propose an activity, on a certain date and time but leave her an out for an alternative.

But propose something more interesting than "wanna Starbucks?

Personally I don't think she knows if she likes you or not.

While she has never flat-out said that, her past behavior has been consistent with that. We've both sent conflicting signals to each other over the years. Based on our history, I think both of us wanted relationships with each other, but never at the same time (I'd be ready when she wasn't, then she'd be ready when I wasn't, and back and forth that went). Between the lack of clarity, the amount of time that has passed, and our high number of mutual friends, though, I resisted asking her out. I figured my feelings for her would just subside with time.

But they didn't. So, a few days ago, I reached the, "OK, screw it, I still really like her, let's just find out if there's something more there or not"-point. So I don't know if this is the case, but I think it's quite possible she may been taken aback that I suddenly went from on-and-off hinting...to being relatively blatant.

In any event, I think you all are right, I'll bring it up again the next time I see her if I feel that she's receptive, and I'll propose specific days. If she keeps shooting down the days I propose, I'll just let that speak for itself and let it be.

Thing is you didn't just generically ask, "Are you free any time over the next couple weeks?" You told her outright you wanted to take her out. You get some points. Still, my previous advice does stand that you should specify a day (and a time, if possible), but it's much more of a confidence thing than it is practical. I'd argue it's actually ideal to afford the woman the agency to flesh out times that would be best for her. But, again, a lot of women even in this day and age are going to want you playing that more decisive role, especially early on. It's pretty rare I go cheesy dating coach mode, but there you have it. Play to the odds if you're comfortable and you want to or don't if you aren't and don't.

But, again, you did invite her out on a date, even if not on a specific date. I think the bare minimum she could do is look at her work schedule and send you a list of days for you to go ahead and take that decisive role and choose from. But that's just what I'd expect. I don't necessarily think you'd be some big chump following up later and asking again.

All this is assuming she's interested, though. Many on these forums tend to underestimate the degree of leeway that is typically provided when someone is interested in going on a date with someone. Even if her ideal is guy asks with a day and time, no sane lady who would be otherwise interested is going, "Ugh, he asked when I'm free. Next." f you've known her awhile, asked her out, and she's giving you the whole "gonna be busy for the near future" routine, I'd hedge your bets.

Well, she called back and left a message (I couldn't pick up because I was at work at the time). Buuuut yeah....I got the "You're a great person, but I'm not interested"-speech. Interestingly enough, she said she apologized if she lead me on.

I called her back and got a voicemail, at which point I told her what I would have told her if I got her on the phone: that there was no problem with that at all, that she shouldn't feel bad about saying what she said at all, and that we're still good friends. I told her that part of the reason I was hesitant to ask her out to begin with is because I didn't want her to feel bad or awkward in case she wasn't interested, and that it's all good.

I'll be honest, I'm a little bummed, and the super-confident, casual, "Oh, pfft, no worries"-attitude that I replied back to her with belied how bummed I was. I really like her and think we would have been a good couple. But, that said, even if I'm bummed, I'm not devastated, because a big part of me saw this coming. Plus, I only wanted us to be a couple if it's something she was also interested in being. If I'm the only one who wanted something more than friendship, then it wouldn't have made for a good relationship anyway.

So, I'm really hoping she doesn't feel awkward around me, and I do feel pretty bummed, but...*shrug.* It is what it is. I don't hold anything against her, and life goes on. Thanks for the input, guys!

I someone asks me "what is your schedule?" or "what are you doing wednesday?" i get defensive (its always "oh good then you can help me move" "oh good i can dump my kids on you") well maybe not defensive but guarded. I respond better to "i heard about this great new restaurant, would you like to go?"

I someone asks me "what is your schedule?" or "what are you doing wednesday?" i get defensive (its always "oh good then you can help me move" "oh good i can dump my kids on you") well maybe not defensive but guarded. I respond better to "i heard about this great new restaurant, would you like to go?"

I totally agree, but in the instance of attraction, and I'm sure it was mutual, she probably could be safe in assuming he was asking if she was free for a date, and not to help paint the kitchen or move. There's a lot to be said about some good, solid plans, though, especially in the very first few dates. I've had too many men leave me hanging (maybe Friday), no-show, and last-minute cancel, that I've learned that those who are more interested want to get their foot in the door and secure a spot. I'm done revamping my life around wishy-washy. Go home and get a shower and ready "just in case" instead of stopping on the way home to get some errands out of the way...avoid a night out with friends because maybe you might have a date but you're not sure yet...no.

OP, this girl is flaky and on the immature side. She makes plans and then has other things to do with little regard to responsibility, other people's feelings and their time (which is equally as valuable as hers), and she seems very selfish and self-centered. You were more forthcoming and solid on a date this last time, and once again, she bailed for "other things to do." I can understand if the relatives came into town last minute, but her behavior is either non-interest or it's selfish, immature behavior.

Don't plan around her and the train. Plan the time that works for you, let her know what time, and if she decides to join you, great. Don't do this thing where you plan on a time that works better for her, and then she bails...meanwhile you turned down a meal with the folks or rushed to pack in order to meet her deadline, only to be left wishing you were taking the later train or earlier train. Don't work with her schedule, as "something" is likely to "come up, so sorry," as she dismisses her behavior. She's not reliable.

...but her behavior is either non-interest or it's selfish, immature behavior.

I think my last post might have gotten lost in the mix (it was the very last one on the second page), but long story short, it's non-interest. She left me a message saying that we're just friends. I feel foolish for misinterpreting the signs, and am a little worried about her acting awkward around me in the future, but, whatever. Life goes on.

That's too bad, but at least you know now instead of wasting anytime! Good luck!

A couple days ago, I asked a girl who I've known for a while out on a date over the phone. Or rather, I asked her what her schedule is, because I was wondering if she wanted to go on a date (and yes, I flat-out used the word "date" when I talked to her to avoid any misconceptions). She said that she didn't know her schedule, because her job told her she has to be ready at a moment's notice for the next two weeks. I left it by saying (with a friendly chuckle and a casual/breezy/"no worries" kind of way), "Ahh darn it, well, if your schedule opens up...lemme know."

 

Here's where I'm stuck. It's quite possible that, in reality, she meant "no," but she didn't want to say the word "no" and hurt my feelings. I'm definitely not discounting that possibility. On the other hand, because of what her job is and how busy she is, her lack of certain availability for the next two weeks (weekends included) actually is a believable excuse in this particular case.

 

So, if two weeks pass, and I don't hear back...should I ask again, or should I just move on? I really like this girl, but at the same time, I don't want to be pushy...not to mention that I only want to go on a date with her if it's something she'd legitimately be interested in doing. What do you all think?

Anything but yes, is a no. You can take that to the bank.