overthinking?

I met a girl at my gym, asked her number, then asked her out.

First date wasn't bad at all - no awkward silence, flowing conversation, a lot of eye contact and heartful laughs. Problem is, she's a bit evasive and flaky.

For instance, yesterday we planned to workout together, but she didn't show up nor sent an excuse text... she then texted me this morning saying her knee was still hurting (she had a brace on it during the first date because she was on a 200km pilgrimage last week, and still felt exhausted...)

Today at 2pm she told me she was going to hit the gym at 6pm and I suggested that we could see each other for a quick small talk before her training, as I live a block away from the gym.

Shortly after she asked me what I'm planning for the weekend. Told her we could meet up. From 2pm to 6pm I had work to do with my university, so I couldn't be on the phone at all times.

And yet again she disappeares. No responses! It wasn't a planned date, and I guess she's busy and all, but I feel like I'm putting more effort than her.

That's not overthinking, she's just plain out thoughtless and rude. It goes to show how much she respects you and your time.

You need to ask yourself if you want to waste your time with someone like that. It could be a symptom of more serious issues surrounding self centeredness, etc.

But yes, definitely a red flag you shouldn't ignore.

I agree.

She likes to have a day that feels fluid I get that.

If you want to test the waters, go a bit quiet for a while then maybe ask her out in earnest. Happenstance meet ups are informal and can slide off ones calendar in a way that a proper date does not.

Ask her out on real dates, not hang outs and work outs. She asked you out. Did you give her an answer and set up a date? It's confusing, because you are treating her like some dude you hang out with at the gym, not a girl you're interested in. Just text and set up a time/place for a real date, not vague workouts/hangouts.

we planned to workout together, but she didn't show up nor sent an excuse text. she asked me what I'm planning for the weekend. Told her we could meet up. It wasn't a planned date, and I guess she's busy and all, but I feel like I'm putting more effort than her.

Yes, ask her out on actual dates, however, take note of how she reacts and responds.

Her behavior so far is still something to take note of.

If she is still being flakey and blowing you off when it comes to texts..then I would say, move on.

Eh, they weren't really formal dates. Why not ask her out on a real date like this Friday or Saturday night and see what happens. You might be too casual about these meet up dates or she might have sensed you were just trying to get her to your apartment, especially if you told her you only live around the corner.

Add another vote for actually asking her out on a date with a set time, day and place.

It's confusing, because you are treating her like some dude you hang out with at the gym, not a girl you're interested in. Just text and set up a time/place for a real date, not vague workouts/hangouts.

I hadn't thought about that. I could be the one coming across as vague and casual. I'll ask her out more formally the upcoming weekend

I think if she were interested in you (even remotely) she would have jumped at the chance to hit the gym with you and not disappeared when you suggested meeting up.

It may not have been a "planned" date, but nevertheless, she blew off getting together with you, and again, had she been into you, even a little, she would not have done that, imo.

Given the rude blow off I don't think she even considers you a friend; if she does, then she needs to learn how to treat friends (people) cause it's rude and inconsiderate to just blow people off, even if the plans were of a casual nature (hang out).

She has treated you very poorly, and my vote is to forget about asking her out, on a proper date or anything else.

By asking her out, you would be sending her the message -- hey, sure you can blow me off, disappear, it will just amp up my interest! I'll ask you out on proper date, spend money on you, etc.

Is that the message you really want to send?

I wouldn't advise it, save your energy (and money) for women who don't behave so rudely and inconsiderately toward you and give you IOIs (indications of interest).

Edit: JMO but that's how guys end up with women who string them along, constantly break dates and basically behave like they don't give a *. By not paying attention to these early signals she's sending you.

Your call of course, best of luck whatever you choose to do

""Today at 2pm she told me she was going to hit the gym at 6pm and I suggested that we could see each other for a quick small talk before her training, as I live a block away from the gym

Shortly after she asked me what I'm planning for the weekend. Told her we could meet up. From 2pm to 6pm I had work to do with my university, so I couldn't be on the phone at all times.""

You placed some conditions on each of your interactions and when she called to ask you about your weekend, she was very likely hoping you'd ask her out on a legitimate date. Instead you gave a small window of time and ended on a negative - That you couldn't be on your phone at all times.

Honestly if were her, I would think you weren't interested.

 

For instance, yesterday we planned to workout together, but she didn't show up nor sent an excuse text...

This is a person who doesn't respect your time, even a friend would have sent a text, not just blown you off.

Today at 2pm she told me she was going to hit the gym at 6pm and I suggested that we could see each other for a quick small talk before her training, as I live a block away from the gym.

Did she respond agreeing to meet up with you before her training?

Shortly after she asked me what I'm planning for the weekend. Told her we could meet up. From 2pm to 6pm I had work to do with my university, so I couldn't be on the phone at all times.

And yet again she disappeares. No responses! It wasn't a planned date, and I guess she's busy and all, but I feel like I'm putting more effort than her.

Apparently I am seeing it differently from the others, cause again to me this doesn't sound like something a woman who was interested in you would do.

I could be wrong!

You could ask her out, the worst that could happen is she blows you off again, which makes you no better off than you are now, but on the other hand, she may accept and you could have a great time!

I'm with the others here OP. When you aren't setting up dates and instead these kinds of vague hang outs/meet ups, it's confusing and doesn't really create any obligations on her. Like let's chat before the work out? Really? I mean if she ends up going, sure, but if she doesn't, oh well. You really had nothing there to speak of.

Also agree that when she asked what you are doing this weekend, she was fishing for an actual date and probably some enthusiasm from you. Instead you kind of brushed her off with yeah, sure, whatever, I guess I can hang out with you. Set up a date, show some incentive. Now if you have an actual date planned, complete with set time/place/activity and then she flakes on that, you can walk away in peace. Right now, you are coming across flaky and not quite interested yourself. If I were her, I'd be confused or would just write you off as not interested and move on.

! UPDATE !

today she was walking the dog in the whereabouts of my apartment (we live 1.5km away) and asked to meet up before mine (and her) university lectures - say, a 10 minute meeting. So finally she has put some effort into seeing me.

We didn't agree on the next date, as we're both visiting our relatives in the same city during the weekend. I'm leaving today, she's leaving tomorrow.

When I said "Told her we could meet up" I had also suggested something to do (she has never been in a fancy part of my home town). However, I didn't say "on Saturday at 9pm", so she's probably thinking I'm coming on too vague.

Should I text her right away with a precise plan for the weekend?

I don't want to seem desperate or needy...

she was fishing for an actual date and probably some enthusiasm from you. Instead you kind of brushed her off with yeah, sure, whatever

wait. I need to explain. When I said "Told her we could meet up" I added "we could plan something. I'll bring you to the city centre of *****. And we (people from ****) are awesome!" smiley faces and all. Enthusiam was there!

What went missing was a day and an hour. I didn't brush her off by any means...

Did she respond agreeing to meet up with you before her training?

yep. Here in Italy we use to "greet" each other (5-10 mins) in between our daily tasks - nothing serious, nothing too binding. But when people agree on that, they are expected to respect it.

 

wait. I need to explain. When I said "Told her we could meet up" I added "we could plan something. I'll bring you to the city centre of *****. And we (people from ****) are awesome!" smiley faces and all. Enthusiam was there!

And she never responded to that? Ignored it?

I still think a woman who was attracted and into you would not have ignored that, despite the no exact date and time.

She'd be flexible and open to your suggestions, not just ignore cause you didn't give her a day and time, at that exact moment..

You expressed strong interest in seeing her, a woman who is attracted would have been all over that. Responded back and together you would have scheduled a day/time that worked for both of you. It doesn't always have to be so "formal" in fact personally I prefer it the way you did it.

That said, her walking her dog around where you live and suggesting a quick get together does indicate at least some interest, so yeah give it a shot with a day and time.

It's not needy or desperate to ask a woman out with a day and time, not sure where you got that it is.

How did you ask her out the first time?

I'm going to agree with the others - I wouldn't be too excited about these "fly-by" dates, when I have to revamp my schedule for a last-minute meet and greet before I have someplace to be? No. I do think it would be worth your time to arrange an actual date. I know this guy who has been flaky at best, and he'll throw out last-minute dates...um, no. Meet me before work this morning...no. Maybe Saturday, maybe...no. Maybe she wants to work out at the gym and not date at the gym, and she wants to go when she wants to go. I don't know, but I have low tolerance for last-minute fly-by dates. If you want to date her, plan something...in advance!

Does this mean she has to travel to your city so she can maybe see the town? You seem to not really want a date with her and keep treating her like a collage friend who you'll show around your town if they feel like meeting you there.

You can't even mention a specific place or restaurant you would like to take her? You refuse to visit her town?

"we could plan something"? "we are awesome"? Why not find someone local to date rather than treating her like an old pal? Sounds like you want her to do all the pursuing and all the work while you kick back texting that "you're awesome"

"we could plan something. I'll bring you to the city centre of *****. And we (people from ****) are awesome!"

And she never responded to that? Ignored it?

 

How did you ask her out the first time?

she kind of ignored that, even though she was the first one initiating contact and asking what I'm doing this weekend.

The first time was super simple: asked her out, she agreed without any problem

Does this mean she has to travel to your city so she can maybe see the town?

No, she's coming too. We both have relatives in the same town and we both study in the same town.

Btw, I don't know, I wanted to appear enthusiastic and eager to see her. I reckon I might have done something more date-like.

Nonetheless I feel like I'm the one more in pursuit, which is fine for a man at the beginning of dating

No, she's coming too. We both have relatives in the same town and we both study in the same town.

 

Btw, I don't know, I wanted to appear enthusiastic and eager to see her. I reckon I might have done something more date-like.

 

 

Nonetheless I feel like I'm the one more in pursuit, which is fine for a man at the beginning of dating

Yes but at the same time, the woman should be flexible and open too. Not just ignore, disappear when you enthusiastically express interest, suggest things you could do together, etc.

I know women are all different, but I cannot imagine a woman who is attracted and interested in you saying to herself "we had a great date, he's calling wanting to see me again, suggested things we could do over the weekend, but I'm gonna ignore him cause he didn't give me an exact day and time."

This makes no sense to me, but I may be more open and flexible about such things than most women. When I am into a guy, I work with him, not make him jump through hoops.

I have no idea what's going on with her, but again try it with a day and time and see how that goes.

Just out of curiosity, is her elusiveness causung you to become *more* interested? Intriguing you a bit?

It sounds like you're just not into her. A sort of "if she chases me, makes the plans, initiates contact, etc, then maybe I'll accommodate her". Is there someone else you would rather be dating?

I feel like I'm the one more in pursuit, which is fine for a man at the beginning of dating

she was the first one initiating contact and asking what I'm doing this weekend.

No, she's coming too. We both have relatives in the same town and we both study in the same town.

 

Btw, I don't know, I wanted to appear enthusiastic and eager to see her. I reckon I might have done something more date-like.

Nonetheless I feel like I'm the one more in pursuit, which is fine for a man at the beginning of dating

LOL....you call this weak flaky whatever stuff as being in pursuit?

Dude......she must really like you if she is still willing to give the time of day to you. I'd be long gone and going out with guys who can actually manage to schedule an actual date and not just some vague promises.

LOL....you call this weak flaky whatever stuff as being in pursuit?

I don't mean to be rude but..have you considered her previous behaviour? Was it so hard to tell me she couldn't be there at the gym for whatever reason?

You call it flaky whatever stuff.. I call it we're both busy.

Anyway, we've just scheduled for saturday night via text. I came up with a precise idea on where and what to do.

Just out of curiosity, is her elusiveness causung you to become *more* interested? Intriguing you a bit?

actually, no. I'm looking for someone who's reliable.

A bit of elusiveness from a woman is ok at first. I just don't want it to become a pattern.