Should he pay living expenses?

I've been in a relationship for 7 months with a really amazing guy. He came to the US in January on a one-year visa. We met in March and things could honestly not be better.

His job provided him with undesirable housing and after about July or so he pretty much started staying with me full-time (as in he's spent one night as his provided house in the last 3 months). We are both very happy cohabitating with each other. Any conflicts are minor and are easily approached. Frankly, we just want to be around each other.

He's been able to get a 2 year extension on his job and another visa. He'll continue to have provided housing but he'll continue to primarily live at my house.

We have split food expenses evenly, but he hasn't paid for utilities or anything else like that. And I haven't expected him to, especially as he has his own house if he needs it (no expenses associated with it).

As we move forward into the next 2 years, I don't know how to broach the money subject with him. My income is about 3-4x more than his. I have a lot of expenses, primarily my mortgage and a mountain of student debt that far exceeds my annual income.

I feel like the next 2 years are going to be a test to figure out if he is the one, which I think he is. We can discuss things very openly, but I was interested to see what others thought was fair. As I see it, his income is limited (for the next 2 years) and he does have a house to go back to if he needs it. On the other hand, he's primarily living at my house. Is it strange for him to not contribute?

All input is welcome!

No, it is not strange.

Are you afraid to ask him? If so, why?

No I am not afraid to ask him. I am looking for objective opinions on what seems fair. I love him, and I want to be good to him.

When you say it is not strange- do you mean it is not strange to not contribute or it is not strange for me to ask him?

You are providing no standards or boundaries. He should be staying at his paid for place whether he likes it or not. It's his responsibility to find and secure better housing, not yours.

Stop letting him live there. He is a house guest, even though he shouldn't be after dating 4 mos. Asking him to start paying you to stay there will be interesting.

I've been in a relationship for 7 months. he pretty much started staying with me full-time. He'll continue to have provided housing but he'll continue to primarily live at my house. We have split food expenses evenly, but he hasn't paid for utilities or anything else like that. I have a lot of expenses, primarily my mortgage and a mountain of student debt that far exceeds my annual income.

Since it's your house and you have a mortgage, you might want to be careful about having a live in bf and asking them for money or using the money toward your mortgage. In some states that can create some legal property rights in your home for the bf and if you break up that can become a serious problem for you. You might want to consult with a real estate lawyer where you live first.

As for asking for money toward utilities, depends how often he is there. If he is essentially 100% living with you, you can certainly ask him to split the costs 50/50 or 30/70 or whatever you feel is fair given your respective incomes.

It sounds a bit like you are actually struggling financially. It might make more sense for you to get an actual formal rent paying roommate to alleviate some of your issues. That way, bf or no bf, you'll have a more stable extra income. Assuming that you have a spare room/bath for that.

So I never officially lived with anyone. For the 15 years I rented my apartment when I had a serious boyfriend we took turns staying at each other's places. Sometimes for convenience etc we stayed far more at his place. There was one point during an emergency situation affecting many in our community that I stayed at his probably 2-3 weeks straight. Never ever did it occur to either of us to ask for rent or those kinds of expenses from the other person. I know he wasn't thinking along those lines. Certainly we took turns paying for food, etc. When my husband and I were dating long distance I'd spend days at a time at his rented place. Same thing or when he stayed at my place. When we got married and lived together, I was not working and I took it upon myself to pay approximately half of the rent/utilities/cable. He asked me for nothing (I was not working because I was working as the full time caregiver for our baby).

Certainly if you two officially live together fine, or if you get a bigger place to accommodate him. But if you weren't dating him you'd still have to pay your rent/utilities. Is he using a great deal more of water/electricity? And sure if you want your space it is your home and put some boundaries around how often he can stay.

Agree. This makes more sense than the excessive complications of letting your bf "practically live with you" after dating only 4 mos. You may believe it's a win-win situation because he wants to hang out there (but as a guest) and you need money, but it's fraught with complications legally for you and for a new dating situation. Why can't you just date and see where this goes?

It sounds a bit like you are actually struggling financially. It might make more sense for you to get an actual formal rent paying roommate to alleviate some of your issues. That way, bf or no bf, you'll have a more stable extra income.

Well, technically, when a boyfriend is maintaining his own apartment but staying mostly at yours, you would only ask for the difference that he's costing you. For example, if you own a house and intended to live alone without roommates, you wouldn't charge him rent because he's your boyfriend. Likewise, you would heat and air condition the house for your own comfort, so he's not costing you any extra by being there. You could charge him for his portion of the food he's eating (you're already doing that). Maybe you could consider charging him if you see an increase in your water and utility bill, but Judge Judy would tell you that you're not suppose to use your boyfriend for profit, that he's living with you and he is providing you "boyfriend benefits," such as love and companionship. So he's not a roommate and you don't charge him rent.

Now, since he's getting a free room as part of his job, you might think, well, it's not costing him anything so it seems fair to charge him, but it's not. And if you need help with the mortgage, perhaps you should not let your boyfriend stay with you but find a real roommate. And if you dump him, he still has someplace to go.

So you don't profit from a boyfriend. He's a boyfriend. He's not some stranger that you're renting a room to.

I actually agree with Danzee. You're income is far higher, if he wasn't living there, you'd still have the same bills.

He is helping with the costs associated directly with himself, such as food.

Asking for more (as in part of the rent) would seem petty.

If you don't want him there, ask him to start saying at his own home. But money wise, it doesn't sound as though he's putting you out at all.

you said that his company is paying for this apartment he never uses. I wonder if that is possible that the company can break the lease on the apartment and start paying you part of the "rent." Though that comes with a lot of problems, especially if you two break up and the company may be expecting him to come back home at some point? So maybe better not to get the company involved.

This is a bit of a sticky situation because he's basically living there now but you never let him move in with "ground rules" like you would if you got a roommate. So here you are now. Is his being there costing you extra, besides the extra electric use, water use and food? It sounds like it is, but probably not by a lot more. Should he pay half the mortgage? Probably not.

You are providing no standards or boundaries. He should be staying at his paid for place whether he likes it or not. It's his responsibility to find and secure better housing, not yours.

 

Stop letting him live there. He is a house guest, even though he shouldn't be after dating 4 mos. Asking him to start paying you to stay there will be interesting.

I am not struggling financially. The only reason I bring money into it is because our salaries are not equal; while I have a comfortable salary, my expenses are not inconsequential. Nothing about having him live with me has to do with a financial incentive.

I'm a 36-year-old successful professional. For whatever it's worth, we're both men, although that shouldn't make a difference. I'm not a fool and I'm not a pushover. I've recognized that I've found something good- no, great- and I'm thrilled about it. He's an absolute gentleman and was invited into my house. He would leave readily and with a heavy heart if I asked him to. I don't want him to and he doesn't want to. Life is short. I've spent long enough finding someone that's right for me. It's unfair to tell me I shouldn't have someone "basically" living with me after 4 months when you don't know me or any of the surrounding circumstances. It isn't even what I'm asking. Living with him is wonderful.

My question has nothing to do with whether it's right for him to spend his time at my house. The reason I didn't ask that question is because I have zero question that it's the right thing for me and the right thing for him. My question has to do with when does he stop being a guest. It doesn't cost me marginally any more for him to be there.

So.... my next question.... is a little more delicate..... and maybe time will tell.... do you think he is staying with you because he is into the relationship or because the relationship is "good enough for now" and you have a better home/location/setup than the apartment the company rented for him? That is, when his contract is up, what then? I guess at 7 months in, it's too early to tell.

So.... my next question.... is a little more delicate..... and maybe time will tell.... do you think he is staying with you because he is into the relationship or because the relationship is "good enough for now" and you have a better home/location/setup than the apartment the company rented for him? That is, when his contract is up, what then? I guess at 7 months in, it's too early to tell.

My instinct is the former, to be honest. I have little concern that he's just using me other than baseline sensible concern that this might not work out one day. My gut tells me it's the real deal, but time will tell with that.

Personally in my opinion, I think he should start paying rent, etc when and if you two become a permanent couple.

For now, it sounds as though it's up in the air. But once it's going to be a permanent thing and he is living there permanent, with a permanent job position, than it's time to have the talk about expenses other then food.

But that's just my 2 cents.

I am not struggling financially. The only reason I bring money into it is because our salaries are not equal; while I have a comfortable salary, my expenses are not inconsequential. Nothing about having him live with me has to do with a financial incentive.

 

I'm a 36-year-old successful professional. For whatever it's worth, we're both men, although that shouldn't make a difference. I'm not a fool and I'm not a pushover. I've recognized that I've found something good- no, great- and I'm thrilled about it. He's an absolute gentleman and was invited into my house. He would leave readily and with a heavy heart if I asked him to. I don't want him to and he doesn't want to. Life is short. I've spent long enough finding someone that's right for me. It's unfair to tell me I shouldn't have someone "basically" living with me after 4 months when you don't know me or any of the surrounding circumstances. It isn't even what I'm asking. Living with him is wonderful.

 

My question has nothing to do with whether it's right for him to spend his time at my house. The reason I didn't ask that question is because I have zero question that it's the right thing for me and the right thing for him. My question has to do with when does he stop being a guest. It doesn't cost me marginally any more for him to be there.

He's a guest. He is not living with you 100% of the time, he has his own place, and you're not willing to give him equity in your home at this point are you?

I think you should do the math and see how much money you have and can afford after all bills and payments are met, then see how that compares to how much he's paying or not paying you to make it equal. He should not be freeloading at your expense. He should be paying a fair share but you have to figure out what's fair.

He's not. She wants him there as a guest. He has his own place. He doesn't need her for a place to live, he has an all expense paid company place.

But she wants to cash in on having him there all the time because she resents that he has a free place and she is struggling.

He isn't holding a gun to her head to stay there. She wants this. He pays for food. What if he charged her for visiting him so he could cash in? It's kind of creepy to try to turn a bf into a tenant.

He should not be freeloading at your expense.

it is not strange to ask that co-habitants help contribute to co-habitating expenses. So that means consumables - utiltiies, food, etc. Of course, mortgage and student loans are out.

I would definitely speak to him about how expenses can be more equitable since you both essentially live and consume things by living there. It is AT A MINIMUM you can speak and come to an equitable solution if you truly feel "there is a potential future" together. right? If you can't co-habitate and split expenses as a couple living under the same roof now - then how will you be able to in the future when you OFFICIALLY do live under the same roof?

Yes.. talk. Propose. See if it gest done easily, and is followed thru easily or not. Terrific test for "future potential" here.

He's not. She wants him there as a guest. He has his own place. He doesn't need her for a place to live, he has an all expense paid company place.

 

But she wants to cash in on having him there all the time because she resents that he has a free place and she is struggling.

 

He isn't holding a gun to her head to stay there. She wants this. He pays for food. What if he charged her for visiting him so he could cash in? It's kind of creepy to try to turn a bf into a tenant.

I'm unclear as to why you're characterizing me as wanting to "cash in" because I'm "struggling" and that I "resent" him. And to then assert that I'm "creepy". Those are some pretty big and bold jumps in logic, not to mention that I'm not a female.

Why not just bring up money in general and see what’s fair, generally speaking? What his expectations are in a relationship?

No, I don’t think he should pay any expenses.

This is no different from any normal relationship in the same city. If you were dating a guy who lived in your hometown, and he spent tons of time at your place, you wouldn’t charge him, would you? Just because he’s not from here doesn’t make a difference.

Often in relationships, one person spends more time at the other person‘s house more often then at their own. Relationships seem to go this way. So, you wouldn’t charge somebody who hung out at your house a lot more than at their own would you?

You're not cohabiting. You each have your own habitation. He happens to be at yours often.

Paying for the extra food he's eating is fair. If you can dig through your power bill and see he's left a notable footprint, I suppose you'd be within your rights to ask if he'd chip in for the difference. I'd pick that battle carefully, though. I couldn't imagine making 3x - 4x more than my partner and getting on them for a $20 spike to the bill. I'm not getting the impression he's brought in a giant 4-panel TV display to dwarf your refrigerator's kWh, though.

However, there is absolutely, positively 0% reason anyone should pay rent for a place they have no legal right to. Draw up a lease, entitling him to a 30 - 60 day notice to evict should you two ever break up if you feel so strongly. Otherwise, if you feel the money you're paying is too much to enjoy your home with his frequent presence, you then need to limit his stays, not charge him rent.

For whatever extra few bucks you're spending on utilities due to him opening the fridge a few extra times or watching TV more often, you're being spared the trouble of commuting to him. Again, it's up to you what you value more.

OP, let's flip this around. Let's say you were the one staying at his a good majority of the time, and his income was 3-4 times what your income was.

And let's say he asked you to start contributing to the expenses, utilities, mortgage, how would YOU feel?

Would you feel his request was fair?

If you wouldn't feel put off by that, then go ahead and ask.

If you would feel put off by that, then don't ask and be happy with what he does contribute (food) and whatever else he does that reflects how much he cares.

Also, are your utility bills actually higher with him there? If so, does it present a hardship for you? Being that you earn 3-4 times what he does? I wouldn't imagine it would be, but just wondering.

 

My income is about 3-4x more than his. I have a lot of expenses, primarily my mortgage and a mountain of student debt that far exceeds my annual income.

Is this why you want to ask him to contribute? Because you over-extended yourself financially?

I am not accusing you, just asking because on its face it does seem like that might have something to do with it, otherwise why mention it?

Do you think it would cause him a financial hardship to start contributing to household expenses?