Does anyone else feel like they have love to give and nobody to give it to?

I’m just curious to see if this is common and how others deal with it, or if it’s something unhealthy that I should address with my therapist.

Honestly I feel really embarrassed to talk about it but it’s doing my head in and I’m finding it quite upsetting.

Ever since I was young I would project my feelings onto some person (a crush or a date or even a stranger I spoke to and maybe kissed in a nightclub for example). I have noticed recently I’m feeling like I have love to give and I know it will get to the point where it just pours out and I will treat the people around me, particularly one person who I am attracted to particularly nicely, probably better than can be justified by my limited knowledge of them.

It’s almost like I feel like I love someone, purely because I have love to give. I don’t get all weird about it and go OTT by confessing or buying them gifts etc. I just daydream about a relationship with that person a lot and generally make more of an effort with them than anyone else and they consume a lot of my thoughts.

I do have a very affectionate and caring side to me that shuts down after I’ve been hurt but then when I start to open up again, I don’t know what to do with these feelings.

Should I turn the focus back on myself and take very good care of and treat myself? I feel like I need someone to care for and give my best to. Maybe that should be me?

I don't think that means you are giving love to that person. That's about you -you are focusing on your need to let these feelings out and your choice to think about a specific person a lot and you choose to express those feelings by doing things for that person - but -whether or not that person will want to receive those things or that attention or at that time/in that context.

Example. My close friend had surgery a few weeks ago -major surgery. And since then although she's apparently recuperating nicely she's been in far less touch with me than normal. Here are my needs: "I need to talk to her more, like before because I feel I can make her laugh/be supportive; I need to know that she still wants to be in touch with me (we live far apart for many years now but have known each other for 40 years); I need to know that she's truly feeling ok." But, I put those needs to give to the side because my focus is on her. She seems to need/want space right now -maybe she's tired, maybe side effects from the medication, maybe awkwardness talking while the health care aide is there, whatever.

I think you are focusing on yourself plenty. Here is what I would do. Understand that feelings don't require you to act or react. Understand that what you are labeling as "need to give love" may really be at least in part 'need to know I am loved/need attention/need approval". If you truly want to give care, volunteer. I have made that suggestion many times to you and will take a stab at making it again. That is a way to give, to give care, to give skills. I am spending about 3.5 hours volunteering today including travel time (the volunteer shift is 2 hours). I also work part time and care for a young child. And exercise daily. And I'm in my 50s. If I can do it.......

Definitely discuss boundaries, loneliness, obsessive thoughts and need for approval with the therapist. Also have you considered trying to date for a stable relationship in addition to getting a pet and volunteering for good causes? Try to find healthier channels for compassion and caring than random crushes..

I just daydream about a relationship with that person a lot and generally make more of an effort with them than anyone else and they consume a lot of my thoughts. I feel like I need someone to care for and give my best to.

Hi Thornz,

This is such an interesting question.

I've actually thought about this quite a bit - having and feeling so much love and trying to figure out what to do with it all.

A friend and I have discussed this as well. My friend actually got a dog because she said she was full of so much love and needed someone to give it to. She's single and one of the sweetest people I know. And I love her dog! So much that I give my love to this dog too and squeeze him all of the time. Lol

I do feel like you in that I have always been affectionate and the huggy type, but as time goes on and for some reason, more recently, I've felt that I have so much to give and don't know what to do with it all! I express my affection mainly with family and I hug my friends when I see them, but that's about it. I'm able to control it with people (so far) that I'm dating. But then again, it's not often I meet anyone that I'm serious about and who I want to see more than once, or maybe twice.

If anything, I think I can come across as cold to some when I initially meet someone for dating purposes, so the fact that I'm feeling this way more recently I'm finding helpful because I feel like I can open up more emotionally, which has always been an issue for me.

I’m so affectionate with my fam (have always been) that my mom even teases me after I tell her how cute she is by saying that I need a baby or a pet! Lol. She's joking, kinda of. I would love to have a pet, tons of them actually, but I'm rarely home these days and don't have the time to dedicate to a fur baby right now.

Have you ever considered getting a pet? Or do you already have one? A pet would be great to have and an amazing way for you to express this affection and they clearly show affection back. It's unconditional love too! :)

I think I have my feelings and affection under control, and don't feel the need to project it onto people I'm dating. I'm also a romantic and would love to find someone to give these feelings to, but know enough not to give these feelings to just anyone or everyone. I believe I'm able to establish boundaries and I'm selective in terms of who I'm affectionate with.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to show someone you're in a relationship with that you care about them, and I can't tell if what you're describing is unhealthy, to be honest.

Some people are naturally more affectionate than others. It would only become an issue if you're constantly giving to someone who does not return these feelings, or if you're overwhelming the person you're with with these feelings of affection.

Also, if you're experiencing these feelings, and it sounds like you're a people pleaser (maybe?), do you feel like you're able to establish boundaries when you're dating or in a relationship? Has anyone ever told you that you overwhelm them? Do you give to people that aren't deserving?

Feeling this affection and love is one thing, but feeling as if you're unable to establish boundaries when in relationship or dating is another. If you feel that you're feelings may be out of control, it would be good to check in with a therapist and see if they can help you work this out.

Hope this makes sense. I kind of rambled a bit. Lol.

Love the idea of a pet or fostering one. I read what she wrote differently -not just wanting to be physically affectionate but being in her head focusing on her love object.

Understand that what you are labeling as "need to give love" may really be at least in part 'need to know I am loved/need attention/need approval".

Yes I think this is the case, hence why I asked if I ought to be loving myself. Everyone needs to feel love and approval but I question whether my seeking it externally means a deficit in my own self value.

I volunteer occasionally in an “official” capacity and also just offering to help people if they need it. I would like to volunteer at a dog shelter like but there is no vacancies when I have enquired.

Tbh, thinking about it, I’m not certain people would even realise that I’m focussed on them as I surpress my urges as much as possible for a number of reasons. Fear of rejection, worried I will make them feel uncomfortable, worried they will think I’m too familiar. I might do or say the occasional nice thing but I suppose I do and say that for others too when I’m feeling like this.

Definitely discuss boundaries, loneliness, obsessive thoughts and need for approval with the therapist. Also have you considered trying to date for a stable relationship in addition to getting a pet and volunteering for good causes? Try to find healthier channels for compassion and caring than random crushes..

I am quite lonely, I will bring these up with therapist. I would love to have a dog but it is not fair to have one if you are not home to take care of it. I also don’t have a place to keep a pet. I have volunteered at a shelter previously and have looked for a local one to do so again but have had no success.

So if you have love to give and are so focused on how to give it that doesn't really jibe with "well I asked if there were vacancies at a dog shelter and there weren't any". Did you put your name on a wait list? Ask about other nearby animal shelters? That's great that you offer to help people. My strong suggestion is step up your effort to start contributing as a volunteer given that you have so much love to give.

I'm glad you're acting appropriately with people. If you volunteer one consequence likely will be feeling positively about yourself.

One way I give myself love is by working my behind off at daily cardio. Even when I'm tired, busy, feeling ill, hungry, even when it's raining, snowing, freezing, hot. And I drink a lot of water at the same time. That shows me I love my well being, my health and love how my body can move and be flexible. There's another suggestion.

There are many places to turn your compassion to. Hospitals, hospices, schools, libraries, homeless shelters, nursing homes, soup kitchens, big sisters, etc. They need people like you who care and want interaction with others and to make a difference in the lives of those less fortunate than you or those who could use a helping hand or caring words..

I am quite lonely, I will bring these up with therapist. I would love to have a dog but it is not fair to have one if you are not home to take care of it. I also don’t have a place to keep a pet. I have volunteered at a shelter previously and have looked for a local one to do so again but have had no success.

Hi Thornz,

 

This is such an interesting question.

 

I've actually thought about this quite a bit - having and feeling so much love and trying to figure out what to do with it all.

 

A friend and I have discussed this as well. My friend actually got a dog because she said she was full of so much love and needed someone to give it to. She's single and one of the sweetest people I know. And I love her dog! So much that I give my love to this dog too and squeeze him all of the time. Lol

 

I do feel like you in that I have always been affectionate and the huggy type, but as time goes on and for some reason, more recently, I've felt that I have so much to give and don't know what to do with it all! I express my affection mainly with family and I hug my friends when I see them, but that's about it. I'm able to control it with people (so far) that I'm dating. But then again, it's not often I meet anyone that I'm serious about and who I want to see more than once, or maybe twice.

 

If anything, I think I can come across as cold to some when I initially meet someone for dating purposes, so the fact that I'm feeling this way more recently I'm finding helpful because I feel like I can open up more emotionally, which has always been an issue for me.

 

I’m so affectionate with my fam (have always been) that my mom even teases me after I tell her how cute she is by saying that I need a baby or a pet! Lol. She's joking, kinda of. I would love to have a pet, tons of them actually, but I'm rarely home these days and don't have the time to dedicate to a fur baby right now.

 

Have you ever considered getting a pet? Or do you already have one? A pet would be great to have and an amazing way for you to express this affection and they clearly show affection back. It's unconditional love too! :)

 

I think I have my feelings and affection under control, and don't feel the need to project it onto people I'm dating. I'm also a romantic and would love to find someone to give these feelings to, but know enough not to give these feelings to just anyone or everyone. I believe I'm able to establish boundaries and I'm selective in terms of who I'm affectionate with.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to show someone you're in a relationship with that you care about them, and I can't tell if what you're describing is unhealthy, to be honest.

 

Some people are naturally more affectionate than others. It would only become an issue if you're constantly giving to someone who does not return these feelings, or if you're overwhelming the person you're with with these feelings of affection.

 

Also, if you're experiencing these feelings, and it sounds like you're a people pleaser (maybe?), do you feel like you're able to establish boundaries when you're dating or in a relationship? Has anyone ever told you that you overwhelm them? Do you give to people that aren't deserving?

 

Feeling this affection and love is one thing, but feeling as if you're unable to establish boundaries when in relationship or dating is another. If you feel that you're feelings may be out of control, it would be good to check in with a therapist and see if they can help you work this out.

 

Hope this makes sense. I kind of rambled a bit. Lol.

I would love a dog but I don’t have the time or a place to keep one.

Like you I’m very naturally affectionate and tactile and recently I have surpressed this side of me. I think this is part of the problem. It’s making me miserable. I just don’t really have anyone it’s appropriate to be affectionate with.

I do fail to establish boundaries when dating, I do tend to give more to my partners than they deserve and these are part of the reason I am intentionally single, whilst I try and fix these issues. I am aware I have been overwhelming and also cold in relationships, I struggle to find a balance and have a tendency to swing from one extreme to the other.

Love the idea of a pet or fostering one. I read what she wrote differently -not just wanting to be physically affectionate but being in her head focusing on her love object.

I think it’s a case of I’m stuck in my head daydreaming about physical affection and emotional intimacy because I have no outlet for it. So it’s both.

There are many places to turn your compassion to. Hospitals, hospices, schools, libraries, homeless shelters, nursing homes, soup kitchens, big sisters, etc. They need people like you who care and want interaction with others and to make a difference in the lives of those less fortunate than you or those who could use a helping hand or caring words..

I have tried soup kitchens but again no need for a volunteer and also offered help to homeless people first hand (not in a way that is bad for myself or puts me at risk). What is big sisters? I run a meetup group which takes a lot of energy and I initially felt really good about that as I was meeting people who didn’t really have anyone and that made me feel good that I could create connections for people but nobody really turns up anymore. Maybe I should stop that and volunteer in a different capacity.

I would like to be a mentor for kids from a care background or to help the elderly who are lonely.

So if you have love to give and are so focused on how to give it that doesn't really jibe with "well I asked if there were vacancies at a dog shelter and there weren't any". Did you put your name on a wait list? Ask about other nearby animal shelters? That's great that you offer to help people. My strong suggestion is step up your effort to start contributing as a volunteer given that you have so much love to give.

 

I'm glad you're acting appropriately with people. If you volunteer one consequence likely will be feeling positively about yourself.

 

One way I give myself love is by working my behind off at daily cardio. Even when I'm tired, busy, feeling ill, hungry, even when it's raining, snowing, freezing, hot. And I drink a lot of water at the same time. That shows me I love my well being, my health and love how my body can move and be flexible. There's another suggestion.

I have been neglecting the exercise lately which is probably contributing to my low mood, lack of energy and “obsessive” thinking. I am going for a run with a friend tonight so hopefully will get back on track.

Yes I tried all those things. I will have a look again this weekend to see if anything has become available or if there are any different opportunities that might fit well with what I can offer. I’ve done lots of different types of volunteering in the past but a lot of it ended up making me feel worse rather than better. I already feel drained from work, study, therapy and socialising. Need to be certain it’s not something I have to commit a large amount of time to. My best friend volunteered for St Johns ambulance which she loved and she’s quite anti social so it can’t be terribly socially demanding.

You know, for someone who's lonely, you lead a very active social life. You'll find a girl. Maybe you're trying too hard. If you're too desperate, women can sense that. Maybe try to be the real you and let women see that than being too aggressive.

I think thornz is a woman.

I have been neglecting the exercise lately which is probably contributing to my low mood, lack of energy and “obsessive” thinking. I am going for a run with a friend tonight so hopefully will get back on track.

 

Yes I tried all those things. I will have a look again this weekend to see if anything has become available or if there are any different opportunities that might fit well with what I can offer. I’ve done lots of different types of volunteering in the past but a lot of it ended up making me feel worse rather than better. I already feel drained from work, study, therapy and socialising. Need to be certain it’s not something I have to commit a large amount of time to. My best friend volunteered for St Johns ambulance which she loved and she’s quite anti social so it can’t be terribly socially demanding.

OK so if you find volunteering draining then that is a clue that this is not really about wanting to give to others. Maybe wanting to give hugs or wanting physical or sexual contact but that's different from wanting to give to others (to me loving is far more about giving than a "feeling"). I don't commit a large amount of time to my volunteer work. I volunteer at this organization approximately 8-10 hours a year. They are very appreciative and don't pressure me for more. When I commit to a 2-3 hour shift I go just like I would go to work unless it were a true emergency.

So glad you're going for a run!

I would love a dog but I don’t have the time or a place to keep one.

 

Like you I’m very naturally affectionate and tactile and recently I have surpressed this side of me. I think this is part of the problem. It’s making me miserable. I just don’t really have anyone it’s appropriate to be affectionate with.

 

I do fail to establish boundaries when dating, I do tend to give more to my partners than they deserve and these are part of the reason I am intentionally single, whilst I try and fix these issues. I am aware I have been overwhelming and also cold in relationships, I struggle to find a balance and have a tendency to swing from one extreme to the other.

I think discussing all of this with your therapist is a must, as they might be able to help identify where these feelings are coming from, if they're normal, and potential ways to express these feelings and also set boundaries for yourself in relationships.

I don't know, it just sounds like you're a very giving, affectionate person. We need more people like you in this world!

But clearly you're experiencing feelings of frustration because you don't have an outlet, which hopefully a therapist can help you with.

At the same time, it's not healthy obviously for you to be constantly giving in relationships, and either you're giving too much, the other person is not reciprocating, or they just aren't deserving of your efforts in general. You have to establish boundaries. I realize it's tough though when you just naturally want to give.

I think I'm the same. When I moved to a larger jurisdiction a couple of years ago, I met with one of my siblings for dinner. He asked if I started dating since moving to the city and when I told him I was, he told me to be careful and to ensure that I look after myself (because he knows that I tend to give a lot). So I get it. And I understand trying to find that balance in relationships between giving and not giving too much. This is something I would discuss with the therapist.

Your question is so interesting though because I have no doubt that there are tons of people out in the world struggling with this exact issue. Feeling lonely, and having tons of feelings and not knowing (or having) anyone to share them with.

I'd be interested in hearing what a therapist would have to say about all of this.

In terms of volunteering, I'm surprised there are no local soup kitchens accepting volunteers. I think this would be a great way to give back. I know of someone who volunteers at a soup kitchen every Sunday. She loves it and has met a ton of new friends in the process.

I volunteered at a seniors residence in high school and university and although I liked it, I found it to be somewhat difficult at times because it was hard watching a lot of these people be alone and without family; especially around the holidays. To each their own. This might be something you would like.

OK so if you find volunteering draining then that is a clue that this is not really about wanting to give to others. Maybe wanting to give hugs or wanting physical or sexual contact but that's different from wanting to give to others (to me loving is far more about giving than a "feeling"). I don't commit a large amount of time to my volunteer work. I volunteer at this organization approximately 8-10 hours a year. They are very appreciative and don't pressure me for more. When I commit to a 2-3 hour shift I go just like I would go to work unless it were a true emergency.

 

So glad you're going for a run!

I'm questioning this too, Bayta - whether volunteering is really the answer here.

I'm questioning this too, Bayta - whether volunteering is really the answer here.

I think it can be if the real issue is wanting to give to others and feeling a lack of opportunity to do so. I don’t think volunteering helps if the issue is wanting to be involved in a romantic or sexual relationship and misidentifying the void as wanting to give to others when it’s wanting to be in a loving romantic relationship.

thornz, if you found yourself a loving partner, do you think you would still be looking to volunteer as well?

I mean, I went back to your initial post and it sounds like, maybe, you are looking for someone to fill a more romantic need than anything else.

So any volunteering you do would be in replacement of you not being able to express this physical intimacy, which clearly won't cut it. Almost like volunteering is the next best thing to attempt to fill this void?

Either way, I would definitely speak with your therapist about this, especially before you decide to delve back into the dating world again.

You know, for someone who's lonely, you lead a very active social life. You'll find a girl. Maybe you're trying too hard. If you're too desperate, women can sense that. Maybe try to be the real you and let women see that than being too aggressive.

Yes I do, I haven’t known any of my local friends very long so I don’t feel very close to anyone. I miss having a best friend. I don’t feel desperate, I do struggle to be vulnerable without being aggressive. Thanks, I can work on that.

OK so if you find volunteering draining then that is a clue that this is not really about wanting to give to others. Maybe wanting to give hugs or wanting physical or sexual contact but that's different from wanting to give to others (to me loving is far more about giving than a "feeling"). I don't commit a large amount of time to my volunteer work. I volunteer at this organization approximately 8-10 hours a year. They are very appreciative and don't pressure me for more. When I commit to a 2-3 hour shift I go just like I would go to work unless it were a true emergency.

 

So glad you're going for a run!

I only really find volunteering draining if it is quite sociable, which a lot is. Working at a rescue home for dogs works well for me as dogs don’t care if you’re smiling or make good small talk, they’re just happy to be walked and made a fuss of. Same with the offering to help people when I feel they need it, I can focus on one person when I have the time and energy, helping them out and their problems, rather than having to deal with lots of people or organise lots of kids etc.

To me love is reciprocal (or it ought to be). I don’t think volunteering has anything to do with love and I might feel better to fuss or walk dogs because it’s affectionate I don’t think it’s going to stop me being overly attached to people I don’t really know.

I think discussing all of this with your therapist is a must, as they might be able to help identify where these feelings are coming from, if they're normal, and potential ways to express these feelings and also set boundaries for yourself in relationships.

 

I don't know, it just sounds like you're a very giving, affectionate person. We need more people like you in this world!

 

But clearly you're experiencing feelings of frustration because you don't have an outlet, which hopefully a therapist can help you with.

 

At the same time, it's not healthy obviously for you to be constantly giving in relationships, and either you're giving too much, the other person is not reciprocating, or they just aren't deserving of your efforts in general. You have to establish boundaries. I realize it's tough though when you just naturally want to give.

 

I think I'm the same. When I moved to a larger jurisdiction a couple of years ago, I met with one of my siblings for dinner. He asked if I started dating since moving to the city and when I told him I was, he told me to be careful and to ensure that I look after myself (because he knows that I tend to give a lot). So I get it. And I understand trying to find that balance in relationships between giving and not giving too much. This is something I would discuss with the therapist.

 

Your question is so interesting though because I have no doubt that there are tons of people out in the world struggling with this exact issue. Feeling lonely, and having tons of feelings and not knowing (or having) anyone to share them with.

 

I'd be interested in hearing what a therapist would have to say about all of this.

 

In terms of volunteering, I'm surprised there are no local soup kitchens accepting volunteers. I think this would be a great way to give back. I know of someone who volunteers at a soup kitchen every Sunday. She loves it and has met a ton of new friends in the process.

 

I volunteered at a seniors residence in high school and university and although I liked it, I found it to be somewhat difficult at times because it was hard watching a lot of these people be alone and without family; especially around the holidays. To each their own. This might be something you would like.

The soup kitchen ran at Xmas only, I was told and you go on a waiting list because it fills up quickly. Maybe I will be early enough this year.

I will let you know what my therapist suggests! I’m interested to hear her solutions too. I feel like I am very affectionate and caring but I hide that side of me in case people take advantage or I get hurt. I used to be a lot more open and affectionate, even with people I didn’t know well. I was just generally a lot nicer person on the face of it and very naive. I’m just very cynical and defensive now.

I would still volunteer if I had a partner as I don’t like to see people in trouble and I enjoy the marshalling I do. I would also go back to walking dogs. I don’t think volunteering is the issue. I don’t think you should volunteer to fill a void, you should do it because you want to.

I think maybe I’m just going through another stage of healing. First it was finding other people attractive, now it’s missing romantic connection.

To respond to your title, heck yes! My future boyfriend is lucky as hell!

Referencing your post, Your last relationship was of the FWB kind right? Those can do a real number on you because you’re doing things that should include love and affection but instead it’s treated like a mechanical act, so you have to stuff all those feelings that many people, mostly women, attach to sexual intercourse. I kinda remember you saying that didn’t happen to you but I don’t know, I personally wouldn’t take that road again.

I also think a pet is an awesome idea. My pets are treated like my children, they’ve been there for me during some tough times. Pets seem to know when you’re having a rough day. Something to think seriously about though, pet ownership is a HUGE commitment, and they aren’t always fun, sometimes they can be real a**holes and tear up your property and they are a daily responsibility. It’s not for everyone.

I've gone through this recently, pushed me into a couple of months of depressions and some obsessive thoughts about someone in particular, someone unavailable, and this led me to an understanding of loneliness. With help from a support network, a group from a happiness course, some great friends and housemates, and a therapist, I pulled through and am in a far better place. Sure, I don't have an outlet still, but I find little ways around it. I have thrown myself into music, my writing, and spending time with the important people in my life.

It is two of my housemates birthday's this weekend, 'my Australian daughters, as I call them', but I bought them both a small gift of flowers, which is not something I would usually do. I feel in some ways that is me giving a bit of love to those close to me. I counsell from time to time, and this can be rewarding in that I feel I am giving my time and energy to these people. I get by and am happy and no longer lonely.

I think you'll find it more common than we want to believe. The world is not easy out there and it is becoming more difficult to connect to others.