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Thread: How to come out bi somewhat later in life

  1. #1
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    How to come out bi somewhat later in life

    I've been grappling with this for almost 2 years. In brief - I've generally identified as straight. In fact, I even started this message board after looking for support with a breakup from a man (I'm a cis gendered straight(ish) woman). In sum, about 2 years ago I got heavily involved in volunteering and met an openly gay women in our group. Sparks flew, flirtations happened, and I wasn't so sure anymore if I was ever actually straight. These feelings for her developed far more than a "girl crush". Looking back, it's safe to say I was practically in love with her. I'm positive that in some way the feelings were mutual but for so many reasons, they were never acted on. As it stands now, she has a girlfriend and I think there's some awkward dynamics between us due to unrevolved feelings.

    I've begrudgingly accepted that I missed my chance with her, but now what? I feel like such a hypocrite because for as liberal as I claim to be, I don't know how to come out publically with this. All my friends are liberal, so I know there's no judgement. Maybe I'm self-conscious that they'll think it's so "cliche" that I've gone so head deep "liberal feminist" that this is just a result of that. To be honest, when I take a hard look back, I think I've always also been attracted to women as a well. I think it's just always been a non-issue since guys were generally in the peripheral, and therefore I never explored the other option.

    But as of now there's no other women in the picture. I'm pretty femme myself, so I don't even know how to put myself out there that, yes, I float that way (incidentally, I've been reading a lot about femme invisibility...)

    It just seems weird to tell my friends, "Hey, btw, I'm pretty sure I'm bi" when the majority of my dating pool prospects are men. It's strange because to my volunteering friends this is nothing new since they've only known me under the context of when this thing went on between me and my friend (it was pretty obvious to anyone who was there). It's mainly a coming out to anyone who's known me outside of this recent circle. In a way it would almost be easier to come out with it if I was actually involved with another women. But right now I'm 100% single, so I don't even know how I'd bring it up. Thoughts?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Firstly, you need to stop caring so much what others think. Their reactions and acceptance or non acceptance shouldn't control your emotions so much.
    You'll be much happier at the end of the day if you're not needing other people's acceptance.
    Just be happy with who you are and be okay with that.

    Secondly, why do you feel the need to tell anyone if you are straight, bi or otherwise?
    Even if you were to get a girlfriend at some point, no explanations needed. If they're your friends, they will be decent to both you and your partner no matter what.

    If they're gossipy or judgemental, then they are doing you a favor and showing you that they aren't the kind of friends you need, so you can say adios to them.

    I mean, truthfully, at the end of the day, all that matters is that you find someone who is respectful towards you, treats you well, and genuinely loves you.
    Male or female shouldn't be an issue.
    Finding someone decent at all in this day and age is very difficult. This board is proof of that.

    Be happy if you find someone who will be good to you and don't stress about the rest.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why do you have to announce it? It seems weird because it is weird to confess or announce this, when you yourself are not sure of things.

    Why not explore it with some LGBT groups and dating apps? Perhaps also explore it through therapy if you feel you would like guidance navigating these feelings.
    Originally Posted by stella m
    It just seems weird to tell my friends, "Hey, btw, I'm pretty sure I'm bi". But right now I'm 100% single, so I don't even know how I'd bring it up.

  4. #4
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    Iíve never understood the concept of coming out and making a big song and dance about your sexuality.

    If you find a woman you like and decide to date her then when youíre friends enquire what ďheísĒ like, you can casually inform them that he is a she!

    If you just wish to discuss this newly discovered aspect of yourself with your friends because itís exciting then you could tell them about your crush on your female colleague when that kind of conversation comes up.

    Iím bi and Iíve never come out as I donít hide that part of myself when it comes up in general conversation. I say people rather than men when discussing dating/attraction with others and people either click and realise Iím bi or they donít. Iíve predominantly dated men but I donít think anyone who knows me well would be shocked if I turned up to an event one evening with a female companion.

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  6. #5
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    I don't really think you need to 'come out' as such. It's not really something you need to tell people. especially if you're still figuring it out.
    If you start a relationship with a woman I'm sure people would be smart enough to figure it out themselves.

  7. 10-18-2018, 03:30 PM

  8. 10-18-2018, 04:23 PM
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    Disrespectful/Flaming

  9. #6
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    Many, many people before you came out later in life. Umm.......Caitlin Jenner?

    A good friend of mine came out a few years ago in her mid 40s. She met and married a woman; they are going through a divorce now actually, but she is definitely gay. She was married to a man when she was young, and has grown kids. But for her, coming out was her final realization of what should have been all along. Everyone was very supportive, and now itís a non-discussion point. Even her divorce; itís something we discuss in general terms, having nothing to do with the fact that itís 2 women divorcing. Itís just a divorce, with all the issues that divorce brings.

    Come out now. Be happy. Be yourself.

  10. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Figure out what coming out means to you, and more importantly, what you'd hope to accomplish by it. Then decide the likelihood of that accomplishment being met. If that ideal is not likely, then decide whether the potential down side is worth that risk.

    I'd also consider exactly what 'need' is not being met by considering your sexual preferences a private matter, and then just pursue dating whoever you wish. If that means using a dating app or meetup groups to find potential dates of either sex, then whatever your friends or acquaintances 'know' about that is pretty irrelevant.

    Unless you have a certain fix-up in mind from someone you know, consider WHY you'd believe it important for anyone to know anything about your private preferences.

    Head high. Nobody else is living your love life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote.

  11. #8
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    Why do you need to "Come out" and make a big to-do about it?
    Maybe in a year you will decide "what was i thinking?" in regards to women.
    Maybe you won't, and want to date women but do you need a megaphone and a parade?

  12. #9
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    I agree with the others about why you need to tell anyone anything.

  13. #10
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    there is a whole section on this in a forum called emptyclosets


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