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Thread: My ex refuses to go to our daughters wedding in France!

  1. #1
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    My ex refuses to go to our daughters wedding in France!

    Hi all -
    Here is the deal: My daughter is recently engaged, and her fiance is from England. They have decided to get married in France (in a beautiful chateau), so that all his family could attend. PLUS - who doesn't want a wedding in a beautiful Castle?
    The problem is with my ex husband (her dad). He and his wife are refusing to be a part of the wedding. They refuse to go to France. What they have said to her is "you are being selfish and manipulative (!). We would have to go get passports, and we would have to take time off work (blah, blah, blah..).
    Which I find to be all ridiculous excuses! She doesn't work, and he is a teacher and has about 50 sick days he has never used.
    Upon Further inquiry, My daughter & I found out thru a friend that it is mainly the step mom saying "no way". Because she cant fathom being stuck in France with me in the same hotel. Really?? They have been married close to 18 years! Time for her to get over it.

    What really concerns me is that my daughter is so grief stricken that her dad won't be there to walk her down the aisle, and just for general support.
    I can see how sad this has made her and it's killing me. I dont know if he even realizes that their relationship will never be the same - that there is no do-over on this.
    She doesn't want me to say anything to him, but I know I will have to at some point.
    Any advice on how to handle this, to get him to be there for her?

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would tell him he is destroying his relationship with his daughter. I am sorry to hear it. 😓My dad and his bunch of buffoons tried to destroy my wedding too. Been married almost 25 years and still remember it.

  3. #3
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    I do know that in this day and age many many many people just cannot afford going to destination weddings (which seems to be all the rage these days). Passports (not cheap), flights, wedding outfits, gifts, accommodation - add it all up and it's a small fortune to many people. I know if someone we knew was having a destination wedding we wouldn't be able to go.

    That said, I understand this is her father, so it's definitely different and I have no idea how you're going to sort this one out. Good luck.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Ugh—sorry to hear about all this.

    Look, if it was simply a financial matter, I'd get it. But it sounds like it's more than that. Reminds me a bit of my father's wife (of 24 years) who won't allow a single photo of me in the house because for some reason she doesn't like thinking about him having had another life. My father, being a coward, just goes along with it, and as a result I talk to him maybe once every 5 years.

    I'm with Seraphim that you simply let him know he's destroying his relationship with his daughter. And he can take it from there, and hopefully do the right thing. If not, you're there to support your daughter.

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  6. #5
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    I listen to Dr. Laura (on Sirius radio), and she calls men like your ex a limp d*k. Blunt, but true.

    You will not change his mind. He will go along with his wife to keep the peace there, at any cost.

    This isn't, I believe, about finances, passports, or time off. I'd be willing to bet that those are just excuses they are making up.

    He's ruining the most important day of his own daughter's life.

    Sure, destination weddings are expensive....for random guests. But for the father of the bride? Get a second job to pay for it if you have to. I know my own father would have worked 5 jobs to be there.

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    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    I listen to Dr. Laura (on Sirius radio), and she calls men like your ex a limp d*k. Blunt, but true.

    You will not change his mind. He will go along with his wife to keep the peace there, at any cost.

    This isn't, I believe, about finances, passports, or time off. I'd be willing to bet that those are just excuses they are making up.

    He's ruining the most important day of his own daughter's life.

    Sure, destination weddings are expensive....for random guests. But for the father of the bride? Get a second job to pay for it if you have to. I know my own father would have worked 5 jobs to be there.
    You were lucky . My father fought with me about my wedding in the same freaking city. And my grandparents ( father’s parents )never came to my wedding in protest. They to all my cousins weddings even one across the whole freaking continent AND my brother’s but not mine. Yup, still remember it and my grandparents are long dead . My dad fought with me about whether he was going to walk me down the aisle or not and changed his mind every three days for about six weeks . Even on my wedding day I wasn’t sure he was going to show up . I had my brother as a back up in case he didn’t.

    Between my dad and his buffoons and my mom talking about her impending marriage my whole wedding felt like a shyte show .

    Can you tell I am bitter? And it’s 25 years later almost .

  8. #7
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I dont see how after 18 years its your responsibility.

    I mean it really and truly is out of your hands and none of your concern.

    Your daughter is a grown woman and since your divorce really, their relationship should have been theirs, not yours, that's especially true now that shes grown.

    This is between your daughter and her father.

    If after 18 years this type of drama still exists I doubt you'll butt out, but I really dont see any sensible advice that includes you staying in the middle of all this.

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    Yeah, you know, someone could have floated the idea of a French wedding before the actual plans were made. My wife and I made it simple for people. It was an average 1-hour drive for most people, there was no need for hotel rooms (although my parents did stay in a hotel overnight because it was dark out after the dinner), and no one had to spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars to attend.

    And, if we follow Miss Manner's etiquette, a host does not question a guest's reason for not attending. If your daughter wanted her father there, she should have run it by him when the plans were being made. Yes, it's very romantic to be married in a castle, but think about how many people will be put out by having to travel to France. There are plenty of castles in England you can get married in, and there are plenty of nice places in the United States. My wife and I recently turned down an invite to go to Chicago because of the expense, the time off from work, not wanting to fly, and a number of other reasons.

    So maybe the father of the groom would like to walk her down the aisle, but let's not pull a temper tantrum over this.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    Yeah, you know, someone could have floated the idea of a French wedding before the actual plans were made. My wife and I made it simple for people. It was an average 1-hour drive for most people, there was no need for hotel rooms (although my parents did stay in a hotel overnight because it was dark out after the dinner), and no one had to spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars to attend.

    And, if we follow Miss Manner's etiquette, a host does not question a guest's reason for not attending. If your daughter wanted her father there, she should have run it by him when the plans were being made. Yes, it's very romantic to be married in a castle, but think about how many people will be put out by having to travel to France. There are plenty of castles in England you can get married in, and there are plenty of nice places in the United States. My wife and I recently turned down an invite to go to Chicago because of the expense, the time off from work, not wanting to fly, and a number of other reasons.

    So maybe the father of the groom would like to walk her down the aisle, but let's not pull a temper tantrum over this.
    This isn't "people". This is the girl's father. You better believe I'd throw a temper tantrum over this.

    Then again, I have the most generous father who has ever walked the earth. A true angel amongst us. So I'm "projecting", but I'm projecting from a place where I have a father who would, and has, moved heaven and earth for us. My sister & brother & I realize we have been truly blessed.

    I remember the first time, in my 20's that I realized that men actually cheat on their wives, and leave their families, and don't participate fully in their lives, and I thought it was all a lie.....I mean, I thought that stuff only happened in the movies.

    I actually, literally argued with someone when I was 25. He told me about a guy who was cheating on his wife, and I argued that cheating doesn't really happen. That it was only what we see in movies. He asked me if I was on drugs. I said no, men are there for their families, through thick and thin....that's how all men are. He looked at me like I had 3 heads.

    So this is me speaking from my personal experience, as my father would literally (and did) take on extra work, do extra jobs, do whatever it took, if I said I was getting married in Antarctica. He'd have been there.

    I get it, not all men are like my father. They should be.

  11. #10
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    Well, look, the father divorced the mother 18 years ago, so it's quite possible that the father hasn't been in her life much, and sometimes, children from a first marriage get the short end of the stick after a divorce. And his current wife's jealousy may still extend to the ex-wife 18 years later. Also, it's in friggin' France. That's at least $2000 and 5 days spent travelling back and forth and the wedding. To me, I wouldn't want to go either.

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