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My ex refuses to go to our daughters wedding in France!


kalikat

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Hi all -

Here is the deal: My daughter is recently engaged, and her fiance is from England. They have decided to get married in France (in a beautiful chateau), so that all his family could attend. PLUS - who doesn't want a wedding in a beautiful Castle?

The problem is with my ex husband (her dad). He and his wife are refusing to be a part of the wedding. They refuse to go to France. What they have said to her is "you are being selfish and manipulative (!). We would have to go get passports, and we would have to take time off work (blah, blah, blah..).

Which I find to be all ridiculous excuses! She doesn't work, and he is a teacher and has about 50 sick days he has never used.

Upon Further inquiry, My daughter & I found out thru a friend that it is mainly the step mom saying "no way". Because she cant fathom being stuck in France with me in the same hotel. Really?? They have been married close to 18 years! Time for her to get over it.

 

What really concerns me is that my daughter is so grief stricken that her dad won't be there to walk her down the aisle, and just for general support.

I can see how sad this has made her and it's killing me. I dont know if he even realizes that their relationship will never be the same - that there is no do-over on this.

She doesn't want me to say anything to him, but I know I will have to at some point.

Any advice on how to handle this, to get him to be there for her?

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I do know that in this day and age many many many people just cannot afford going to destination weddings (which seems to be all the rage these days). Passports (not cheap), flights, wedding outfits, gifts, accommodation - add it all up and it's a small fortune to many people. I know if someone we knew was having a destination wedding we wouldn't be able to go.

 

That said, I understand this is her father, so it's definitely different and I have no idea how you're going to sort this one out. Good luck.

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Ugh—sorry to hear about all this.

 

Look, if it was simply a financial matter, I'd get it. But it sounds like it's more than that. Reminds me a bit of my father's wife (of 24 years) who won't allow a single photo of me in the house because for some reason she doesn't like thinking about him having had another life. My father, being a coward, just goes along with it, and as a result I talk to him maybe once every 5 years.

 

I'm with Seraphim that you simply let him know he's destroying his relationship with his daughter. And he can take it from there, and hopefully do the right thing. If not, you're there to support your daughter.

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I listen to Dr. Laura (on Sirius radio), and she calls men like your ex a limp d*k. Blunt, but true.

 

You will not change his mind. He will go along with his wife to keep the peace there, at any cost.

 

This isn't, I believe, about finances, passports, or time off. I'd be willing to bet that those are just excuses they are making up.

 

He's ruining the most important day of his own daughter's life.

 

Sure, destination weddings are expensive....for random guests. But for the father of the bride? Get a second job to pay for it if you have to. I know my own father would have worked 5 jobs to be there.

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I listen to Dr. Laura (on Sirius radio), and she calls men like your ex a limp d*k. Blunt, but true.

 

You will not change his mind. He will go along with his wife to keep the peace there, at any cost.

 

This isn't, I believe, about finances, passports, or time off. I'd be willing to bet that those are just excuses they are making up.

 

He's ruining the most important day of his own daughter's life.

 

Sure, destination weddings are expensive....for random guests. But for the father of the bride? Get a second job to pay for it if you have to. I know my own father would have worked 5 jobs to be there.

 

You were lucky . My father fought with me about my wedding in the same freaking city. And my grandparents ( father’s parents )never came to my wedding in protest. They to all my cousins weddings even one across the whole freaking continent AND my brother’s but not mine. Yup, still remember it and my grandparents are long dead . My dad fought with me about whether he was going to walk me down the aisle or not and changed his mind every three days for about six weeks . Even on my wedding day I wasn’t sure he was going to show up . I had my brother as a back up in case he didn’t.

 

Between my dad and his buffoons and my mom talking about her impending marriage my whole wedding felt like a shyte show .

 

Can you tell I am bitter? And it’s 25 years later almost .

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I dont see how after 18 years its your responsibility.

 

I mean it really and truly is out of your hands and none of your concern.

 

Your daughter is a grown woman and since your divorce really, their relationship should have been theirs, not yours, that's especially true now that shes grown.

 

This is between your daughter and her father.

 

If after 18 years this type of drama still exists I doubt you'll butt out, but I really dont see any sensible advice that includes you staying in the middle of all this.

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Yeah, you know, someone could have floated the idea of a French wedding before the actual plans were made. My wife and I made it simple for people. It was an average 1-hour drive for most people, there was no need for hotel rooms (although my parents did stay in a hotel overnight because it was dark out after the dinner), and no one had to spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars to attend.

 

And, if we follow Miss Manner's etiquette, a host does not question a guest's reason for not attending. If your daughter wanted her father there, she should have run it by him when the plans were being made. Yes, it's very romantic to be married in a castle, but think about how many people will be put out by having to travel to France. There are plenty of castles in England you can get married in, and there are plenty of nice places in the United States. My wife and I recently turned down an invite to go to Chicago because of the expense, the time off from work, not wanting to fly, and a number of other reasons.

 

So maybe the father of the groom would like to walk her down the aisle, but let's not pull a temper tantrum over this.

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Yeah, you know, someone could have floated the idea of a French wedding before the actual plans were made. My wife and I made it simple for people. It was an average 1-hour drive for most people, there was no need for hotel rooms (although my parents did stay in a hotel overnight because it was dark out after the dinner), and no one had to spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars to attend.

 

And, if we follow Miss Manner's etiquette, a host does not question a guest's reason for not attending. If your daughter wanted her father there, she should have run it by him when the plans were being made. Yes, it's very romantic to be married in a castle, but think about how many people will be put out by having to travel to France. There are plenty of castles in England you can get married in, and there are plenty of nice places in the United States. My wife and I recently turned down an invite to go to Chicago because of the expense, the time off from work, not wanting to fly, and a number of other reasons.

 

So maybe the father of the groom would like to walk her down the aisle, but let's not pull a temper tantrum over this.

 

This isn't "people". This is the girl's father. You better believe I'd throw a temper tantrum over this.

 

Then again, I have the most generous father who has ever walked the earth. A true angel amongst us. So I'm "projecting", but I'm projecting from a place where I have a father who would, and has, moved heaven and earth for us. My sister & brother & I realize we have been truly blessed.

 

I remember the first time, in my 20's that I realized that men actually cheat on their wives, and leave their families, and don't participate fully in their lives, and I thought it was all a lie.....I mean, I thought that stuff only happened in the movies.

 

I actually, literally argued with someone when I was 25. He told me about a guy who was cheating on his wife, and I argued that cheating doesn't really happen. That it was only what we see in movies. He asked me if I was on drugs. I said no, men are there for their families, through thick and thin....that's how all men are. He looked at me like I had 3 heads.

 

So this is me speaking from my personal experience, as my father would literally (and did) take on extra work, do extra jobs, do whatever it took, if I said I was getting married in Antarctica. He'd have been there.

 

I get it, not all men are like my father. They should be.

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Well, look, the father divorced the mother 18 years ago, so it's quite possible that the father hasn't been in her life much, and sometimes, children from a first marriage get the short end of the stick after a divorce. And his current wife's jealousy may still extend to the ex-wife 18 years later. Also, it's in friggin' France. That's at least $2000 and 5 days spent travelling back and forth and the wedding. To me, I wouldn't want to go either.

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Well, look, the father divorced the mother 18 years ago, so it's quite possible that the father hasn't been in her life much, and sometimes, children from a first marriage get the short end of the stick after a divorce. And his current wife's jealousy may still extend to the ex-wife 18 years later. Also, it's in friggin' France. To me, I wouldn't want to go either.

 

Not even for your own daughter's wedding?

 

I really did grow up with a fairy tale father, as he'd have traveled anywhere, anytime. The more stories I hear like this, the more I realize it.

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Not even for your own daughter's wedding?

 

I really did grow up with a fairy tale father, as he'd have traveled anywhere, anytime. The more stories I hear like this, the more I realize it.

 

Again, it depends on how close I was to the daughter, how spoiled she is, how much money I have, and how mad my current wife is going to be if she sees my ex wife!

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Well, look, the father divorced the mother 18 years ago, so it's quite possible that the father hasn't been in her life much, and sometimes, children from a first marriage get the short end of the stick after a divorce. And his current wife's jealousy may still extend to the ex-wife 18 years later. Also, it's in friggin' France. That's at least $2000 and 5 days spent travelling back and forth and the wedding. To me, I wouldn't want to go either.

 

All bad assumptions. They have been in each others life quite a bit. No short stick. When we divorced we both agreed to be in our daughters life as much as possible, and to make all major decisions together.

AND No expenses. If his wife is jealous she needs to get over it. Like you said - its been 18 friggin years.

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You were lucky . My father fought with me about my wedding in the same freaking city. And my grandparents ( father’s parents )never came to my wedding in protest. They to all my cousins weddings even one across the whole freaking continent AND my brother’s but not mine. Yup, still remember it and my grandparents are long dead . My dad fought with me about whether he was going to walk me down the aisle or not and changed his mind every three days for about six weeks . Even on my wedding day I wasn’t sure he was going to show up . I had my brother as a back up in case he didn’t.

 

Between my dad and his buffoons and my mom talking about her impending marriage my whole wedding felt like a shyte show .

 

Can you tell I am bitter? And it’s 25 years later almost .

 

What the hell! Why?????

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Well, look, the father divorced the mother 18 years ago, so it's quite possible that the father hasn't been in her life much, and sometimes, children from a first marriage get the short end of the stick after a divorce. And his current wife's jealousy may still extend to the ex-wife 18 years later. Also, it's in friggin' France. That's at least $2000 and 5 days spent travelling back and forth and the wedding. To me, I wouldn't want to go either.

 

You would not attend your daughter's wedding if it were another country? It's not like the father is even shelling out a penny for the wedding.

 

OP, your ex is incredibly selfish. Why won't he go without the ex? Inexcusable.

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Has she had a heart to heart with her dad? Just one on one, face to face ( even if it has to be by Skype)?

 

I don't think you 'have to' talk to him about this. This is between daughter and father. I think it's fine to encourage her to tell him how she really feels. But it should come from her. Not only because it would give her the greatest chance of success of closeness with her dad, but also because it shows her you respect her as a grown woman now and that you have confidence in her managing her own relationships and disappointments.

 

I'd avoid gossiping with her too about her step mom. Don't let it get sucked into drama from long ago. You just do your thing as her mom and try to let go of anything to do with trying to control those two.

 

I've never been in this situation but I'd respect a parent a lot for taking a higher ground of not butting in. She's not a little girl anymore. Though I get to parents, weddings and such can bring up a lot of feelings about loss as well as happiness. And maybe there's more to it than the wife getting jealous - maybe he's going off the rails a bit as well knowing she's getting married? If there's love between them, hopefully they can work it out and he will be there.

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Make it about your daughter and her special day. Her father can do or not do whatever he wants. It's not your call or decision. It's between her and her father. He's the one who'll have to deal with it if he's being a jerk about it.

 

Stay out of the tug of war between you and your ex husband's wife. Don't make this more stressful for your daughter or make her take sides. Stay out of it and instead of the ongoing hate and resentment for your ex husband's wife, focus on your daughter, the wedding plans and making the day special for her.

The problem is with my ex husband (her dad). He and his wife are refusing to be a part of the wedding.

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Make it about your daughter and her special day. Her father can do or not do whatever he wants. It's not your call or decision. It's between her and her father. He's the one who'll have to deal with it if he's being a jerk about it.

 

Stay out of the tug of war between you and your ex husband's wife. Don't make this more stressful for your daughter or make her take sides. Stay out of it and instead of the ongoing hate and resentment for your ex husband's wife, focus on your daughter, the wedding plans and making the day special for her.

 

AMEN!

 

OPer the fact that you keep on bringing up his current wife is just blaring red lights over your head that say: I’m not over my divorce. Or I didn’t think my ex would ever pick a woman over me, my point is you are way too focused on this mans wife.

 

You can do like other posters said and throw a fit, you’ll be the gossip topic of the wedding, so any negativity towards your ex for not showing up... will be shared with you or you can actually be there for your daughter.

 

I had to edit out my agreement with Danzee because the OPer said her ex and her daughter have a great bond... even MORE reason to butt out.

 

The only person who can and should hold him accountable is their daughter.

 

Good lord she’s a grown woman who chose to have a destination wedding, she’s can handle this.

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One of the first things I had to learned while going through a divorce was that my ex husband and I were no longer a unit and his relationship between he and our two sons was between the three of them. It no longer involved me.

 

I can be there for my sons (and have) when they had their conflicts. I can support them and respectfully advise them, but I had to recognize that it was no longer my place to intervene or influence. It went both ways.

He could be successful at being a good parent, or fail. .all without any interference from me.

 

I think the same applies with your daughter. She has every right to be disappointed and I would listen to her and console her, but I at the same time recognize it was not my place to get involved.

 

I may even mention to her father your feelings about it, just once. You can voice your disappointment over his decision. But you need to accept that it's not your place to try to change it. But before I did this I would encourage her to talk to her father about how she's feeling.

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LHGirl & Hollyj - I agree with you both! wow...

Thanks for your many thoughts here. Some of you kinda missed the point, but that happens...

My daughter has talked to her father about it more than once. The conversation always ends in tears. I really don't want to put her through that again.

Most likely I will mention it to him just once. I'm not sure he understands the consequences of his action.

After that, like you said, it's completely out of my hands. But, yeah, I still think its a terrible thing for him to do.

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LHGirl & Hollyj - I agree with you both! wow...

Thanks for your many thoughts here. Some of you kinda missed the point, but that happens...

My daughter has talked to her father about it more than once. The conversation always ends in tears. I really don't want to put her through that again.

Most likely I will mention it to him just once. I'm not sure he understands the consequences of his action.

After that, like you said, it's completely out of my hands. But, yeah, I still think its a terrible thing for him to do.

 

Unfortunately, it sounds like he doesn’t care about the consequences or his daughter’s heart. Some dads suck that way.

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What is his travel radius? If your daughter had the wedding in the US, would he go? Or would he only go if it were in his region? I know this will sound harsh, but I think your daughter has to decide what she wants more - to have him at her wedding or to get married in France. To be honest, I think he’s being an ass and I think he should go. I don’t know if money is an issue for him, if that is why he is refusing to go. If he has no passport, it sounds like he’s never left the country and probably has no desire to.

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