Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 41

Thread: My ex refuses to go to our daughters wedding in France!

  1. #21
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Age
    38
    Posts
    46,892
    My thought is that while the situation sucks, there’s nothing you can do about it. This is between your daughter and her father. All you can do is support and console her.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    8,941
    Gender
    Female
    One of the first things I had to learned while going through a divorce was that my ex husband and I were no longer a unit and his relationship between he and our two sons was between the three of them. It no longer involved me.

    I can be there for my sons (and have) when they had their conflicts. I can support them and respectfully advise them, but I had to recognize that it was no longer my place to intervene or influence. It went both ways.
    He could be successful at being a good parent, or fail. .all without any interference from me.

    I think the same applies with your daughter. She has every right to be disappointed and I would listen to her and console her, but I at the same time recognize it was not my place to get involved.

    I may even mention to her father your feelings about it, just once. You can voice your disappointment over his decision. But you need to accept that it's not your place to try to change it. But before I did this I would encourage her to talk to her father about how she's feeling.

  3. #23
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    so cal
    Posts
    256
    Gender
    Female
    LHGirl & Hollyj - I agree with you both! wow...
    Thanks for your many thoughts here. Some of you kinda missed the point, but that happens...
    My daughter has talked to her father about it more than once. The conversation always ends in tears. I really don't want to put her through that again.
    Most likely I will mention it to him just once. I'm not sure he understands the consequences of his action.
    After that, like you said, it's completely out of my hands. But, yeah, I still think its a terrible thing for him to do.

  4. #24
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    52
    Posts
    35,154
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by kalikat
    LHGirl & Hollyj - I agree with you both! wow...
    Thanks for your many thoughts here. Some of you kinda missed the point, but that happens...
    My daughter has talked to her father about it more than once. The conversation always ends in tears. I really don't want to put her through that again.
    Most likely I will mention it to him just once. I'm not sure he understands the consequences of his action.
    After that, like you said, it's completely out of my hands. But, yeah, I still think its a terrible thing for him to do.
    Unfortunately, it sounds like he doesn’t care about the consequences or his daughter’s heart. Some dads suck that way.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Age
    38
    Posts
    46,892
    What is his travel radius? If your daughter had the wedding in the US, would he go? Or would he only go if it were in his region? I know this will sound harsh, but I think your daughter has to decide what she wants more - to have him at her wedding or to get married in France. To be honest, I think he’s being an ass and I think he should go. I don’t know if money is an issue for him, if that is why he is refusing to go. If he has no passport, it sounds like he’s never left the country and probably has no desire to.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    9,772
    Who doesn't want a wedding a beautiful castle in the middle of France? People who prioritize people being able to make it with any level of relative comfort or practicality. Look, I've had friends who did destination weddings. I've been to a couple myself. What sets them apart is they know some people won't be able to spare the time, never mind the upfront cash to make it out. So long as you've got that expectation, by all means knock yourself out. I can tell you for a damn fact that I wouldn't hold my relationship with my mother over her head as some way to obligate her to drop a couple thousand bones and suffer whatever jet lag both ways for the sake of my castle wedding. It's incredibly unfair and, frankly, grossly entitled to put a parent in that position.

    When is this wedding meant to be anyhow? How much notice was provided? It's not a matter of him having 50 sick days (how that ever happens or how you even know is well beyond me). Teachers have a curriculum to run, and several days off is most often a disservice to the students more than anything else. It's quite an affair if she's not only planning her wedding in France, but also scheduling it outside of the 15-some weeks he could attend relatively consequence free. You mention the sick days, so that's why I make the assumption it's during the school year.

    I have family in Spain and Italy. There have been cross-continental marriages. The compromise has always been two ceremonies... or Mexico. No, neither ceremony gets to be particularly extravagant, but that's been the price paid for wanting both families involved to celebrate. I understand her fiancee is from England, but if both families are desired to attend, why France instead of Portugal or East Coast US? Plenty of gorgeous and affordable venues in both areas.

    I don't know the father. I don't know if his being butthurt over this incident is simply business as usual. I don't think it's appropriate for him to simply go off on her, but I also don't know how the conversation between he and she went down. She may be shouting about him outright refusing when he may have told her calmly and practically that this isn't a trip he can do. I think there's quite a degree of privilege that would drive a mentality of someone just making a trip to France in the middle of their seasonal work because people think he should. There's plenty we don't know, and it could go either way.

    At the end of the day, I echo the others who have suggested this is a prime opportunity to be that drama-free presence leading into her wedding. Leave out of it and support her how you see fit.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    20,972
    Gender
    Female
    Has daughter considered having two ceremonies?

    I'm all for getting hitched wherever one wants, but to impose expectations of that kind of travel on anyone else speaks of entitlement.

    I'd consider my scope of influence limited to myself. If daughter is mature enough to get married, she's also responsible enough to navigate her own relationship with her father. It's not in her best interests to badmouth him, but instead I'd check my impulse to support the idea that just because daughter wants something, she's automatically entitled to it.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    29,964
    Gender
    Male
    Is her father or you very wealthy?

    Is your daughter and/or her fiance extremely wealthy? Since they want this fantastical fairy tale destination wedding, why don't they pay everyone's airfare, hotel and other travel expenses?

    This way guests only have to pay for their food, clothes, miscellaneous travel expenses, gifts etc., not thousands and thousands of dollars to not disappoint your daughters concept of her dream wedding.

    That would solve everyone's problems and your daughter wouldn't be "grief stricken" since everyone they invite and expect to be there can at least somewhat afford to come.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    2,981
    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Has daughter considered having two ceremonies?

    I'm all for getting hitched wherever one wants, but to impose expectations of that kind of travel on anyone else speaks of entitlement.

    I'd consider my scope of influence limited to myself. If daughter is mature enough to get married, she's also responsible enough to navigate her own relationship with her father. It's not in her best interests to badmouth him, but instead I'd check my impulse to support the idea that just because daughter wants something, she's automatically entitled to it.
    I have a strong feeling given the length of time and the fixation on the new wife and her age, this bitterness is here to stay. The long term harm has probably already been done. Her daughter may very well have been the carrot that’s been dangled for years to keep him in line. For all we know this may be why the current wife is, if she actually is, putting her foot down. The fact that she knows how many sick days the man has... waaaaaay too involved. Not to mention why would a man who is described as a good father say his own flesh and blood is being manipulative? There’s more to this I would bet a shiny new quarter.

    Some exes, even if they have no emotional feelings whatsoever are incredibly territorial. Every agreement on how a child should be raised should expired at 18, they’re raised! And if you did a good job they’ll have their own autonomy and boundaries and use them accordingly. Every string has been cut. He should till the day he dies put his child first but it’s no longer a collaboration.If he fails it is his cross to bear.

    If the daughter doesn’t want to discuss it with him because it upsets her too much respect that and leave it alone.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    5,792
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by j.man
    I have family in Spain and Italy. There have been cross-continental marriages. The compromise has always been two ceremonies.
    Right. Those I've known have had two ceremonies, understanding that not everyone can travel long distance.

    IMO, destination weddings are overkill. They aren't about the marriage. Destination honeymoons, now those I understand.

Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •