Misreading physical intimacy and emotional intimacy

I recently asked a woman to be exclusive with me. Unfortunately, while she initially agreed, she later decided she wasn’t ready for that and decided to ends things with me instead of clarifying how things could move forward. I’ve been feeling really hurt over the past week and having trouble shaking it off.

I find myself wondering if I misread physical intimacy as a sign of general or emotional intimacy. I thought things were going great between us. She became very physically affectionate and started a sexual relationship with me on the third date. I remember asking her if she missed me one day after we hadn’t seen each other for a few days. She didn’t answer right away so I said I missed her then kissed her and she then said yes. There were other times were I revealed personal things about myself in order to extend a sense of intimacy/vulnerability, but looking back I don’t recall her doing much of the same. I felt like being vulnerable was something I struggled with in previous relationships so I wanted to correct.

Through a strange series of events which I detailed in a mother post, I asked her to be exclusive. She had a defensive reaction but eventually agreed. A week later she called me and told me she didn’t feel like she was in a place to be in a relationship or provide what I wanted.

I just feel like I’m kicking myself for being vulnerable and perhaps confusing physical intimacy with emotional intimacy. I enjoy physical intimacy but it definitely causes me to have an emotional response and feel very connected to the other person. I feel absolutely terrible now, as I’m wondering if she was fine with physical I intimacy but not emotional intimacy. Based on her reaction on the exclusivity talk, it sounds like she had a bad experience in the past which makes being intimate emotionally difficult, she also had felt trapped/controlled by that relationship. It was really difficult to hear her tell me she wasn’t seeing anyone else, she liked me, and was excited to see me, but couldn’t handle putting a label on things.

I feel so stupid if I confused physical and emotional intimacy. I really want to reach out to her and try and salvage things. I mainly just wanted to make sure we were on the same page, especially regarding sexual exclusivity. I didn’t mean for things to get complicated.

I feel so confused. I have sexual urges just like everyone but having an exclusivity talk seemed to scare her away. Is there any solution? Do you think it’s possible to re-kindle things?

I think that if you want emotional intimacy, don't go for sex on the third date. Go on proper dates and see if there is chemistry first. You tried to "create" intimacy by telling her a few things about yourself after you already had sex. You need to slow your roll and take more time getting to know someone instead of falsely trying to create a connection. Honestly, i don't want someone to "show how vulnerable" they are on a 1st, 2nd, 3rd date - i want to get to know them and want them to get to know me - can we carry on a conversation? What are they like?

I think that after a couple of dates she was just getting to know you.

To me, adults don't ask anyone to be "exclusive" after the 3rd date. They may hint after a few weeks that they are not seeing anyone else, etc,

Nevermind.

Nevermind.

okay. But i bet you were going to say something interesting....

Hi dmveep,

I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now, but I remember your recent post regarding this lady that you dated and although it's hard to accept now, you two were not compatible.

You didn't do anything wrong.

You were opening up to her and allowing yourself to be vulnerable, which is great, and in my opinion, it's par for the course and necessary when you're wanting to build a close relationship with someone.

You were more focused on wanting a relationship with her, which would include bonding emotionally as well as physically.

She wasn't ready or willing to open up to you. Maybe she has issues being vulnerable. Maybe she was only looking for a casual, physical connection.

Who knows.

But based on what you have written about you two, you weren't compatible.

You didn't do anything wrong. There's nothing to salvage here. You wanted something she couldn't reciprocate.

Don't let her actions, or lack thereof, affect how you handle relationships.

I believe that you have to be the type of person you're looking for. She wasn't who you're looking for, so I'd set your sights on being with someone who complements you and has the qualities and similar relationship goals you are looking for.

I suspect you will receive similar responses as you did in your last post, tbh.

We can't tell you what you want to hear, which is that there is something to salvage here. There's nothing to be ''fixed''.

Well, as we often tell people on these boards, sex and intimacy aren't always the same thing. If you have sex early on, there is no intimacy, it's just sex. If you are the kind of a person who will get attached due to sex, then quite frankly make sure to slow your roll and get to know the person first before you sleep with them.

As we told you in your previous thread, this woman sounds quite damaged and bringing up exclusivity was a good decision for you even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Imagine finding out 6 months from now that she "doesn't know what exclusivity means". Like it or not, it wasn't too soon and the harsh reality is that she wasn't into you the way you were into her. The whole example where you told her that you've missed and she didn't respond - yup, that was bad and a strong clue for you that she isn't emotionally involved at all. There is really nothing to fix here or go back to. This was a wrong woman for you. She is looking for cold fling, you are looking for a warm relationship. You two aren't even on the same planet as far as dating goals go.

The harsh reality is that if you haven't slept with her and paid more careful attention to her troubled past and emotional issues, it would have been easier to walk away without all this self flagellation, as your attachment wouldn't be clouding your judgment so much.

Do not reach out. She is not on the same page. It is over.

Go back and reread the previous thread.

Please let this go.

Hi dmveep,

 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now, but I remember your recent post regarding this lady that you dated and although it's hard to accept now, you two were not compatible.

 

You didn't do anything wrong.

 

You were opening up to her and allowing yourself to be vulnerable, which is great, and in my opinion, it's par for the course and necessary when you're wanting to build a close relationship with someone.

 

You were more focused on wanting a relationship with her, which would include bonding emotionally as well as physically.

 

She wasn't ready or willing to open up to you. Maybe she has issues being vulnerable. Maybe she was only looking for a casual, physical connection.

 

Who knows.

 

But based on what you have written about you two, you weren't compatible.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. There's nothing to salvage here. You wanted something she couldn't reciprocate.

 

Don't let her actions, or lack thereof, affect how you handle relationships.

 

I believe that you have to be the type of person you're looking for. She wasn't who you're looking for, so I'd set your sights on being with someone who complements you and has the qualities and similar relationship goals you are looking for.

 

I suspect you will receive similar responses as you did in your last post, tbh.

 

We can't tell you what you want to hear, which is that there is something to salvage here. There's nothing to be ''fixed''.

Yes, you are right. It was kind of just a hindsight thing that she didn’t seem to be showing much intimacy to me.

I think it's a very brave thing to be vulnerable with someone.

Don't confuse the disappointment with not being on the same page as someone else and punish yourself unnecessarily for having taken that brave risk.

Honor who you are and hold out for someone similar.

To clarify, I asked for exclusivity after 12-15 dates, not 3. That was just ge time it became more intimate.

To clarify, I asked for exclusivity after 12-15 dates, not 3. That was just ge time it became more intimate.

But, she was not on the same page. She only wants casual.

Yes, you are right. It was kind of just a hindsight thing that she didn’t seem to be showing much intimacy to me.

Just as a sidenote though, and as the others have mentioned, the next time you're dating someone, I'd be careful of sleeping with them too soon.

Sex sounds like a big deal for you and may make you more emotionally involved.

You and this last person you dated slept together quite early on, and from that point forward, it seems that you assumed you two were only dating each other.

You might want to take more time getting to know people before you sleep with them to ensure you're both on the same page.

That said, because you two slept together so soon, and because it sounds like you equate sex with emotional intimacy/bonding, you caught more feels for this lady than you would have if you had taken things more slowly, I think.

Plus, me thinks you two didn't discuss what you were each looking for before sex came into the picture.

Just don't jump the gun when dating. Ensure that when you meet someone you are both looking for the same things, and don't jump into bed prior to this being established.

There was fantastic conversational chemistry which led to physical chemistry. It just felt right honestly. In the future, how do you find a balance between getting to know the person and physical expression?

When is the best time to ask what the other person is looking for?

It seems like it wasn’t clear to her what she wanted until I posed that question. Unfortunately, I assumed she wanted the same things.

It really hurts though to have someone tell you they like you and are excited to see you but then run for the hills when any serious talk is breached.

paid more careful attention to her troubled past and emotional issues, it would have been easier to walk away without all this self flagellation, as your attachment wouldn't be clouding your judgment so much.

How was I supposed to know about her troubled past that wasn’t volunteered? If we didn’t have this conversation about moving things forward, how would I have known?

When is the best time to ask what the other person is looking for?

As early as possible, or - as soon as you feel there might be some potential.

And you don't move forward without knowing and you don't ask for exclusivity without the benefit of this information.

When is the best time to ask what the other person is looking for?

It’s not uncommon for a conversation like this to come up in casual conversation on a first date. You just have to be mindful of timing and not be awkward about it. Keep it light, breezy. For example, you might meet for dinner and during some good conversation you’ll ask, “So, I’m interested in knowing more about you. What are you looking for anyway?”

Or if you’re chatting with someone via online dating, I’ve often had men ask me what I’m looking for and vice-versa. I won’t meet anyone from online dating until I know what they’re looking for. I don’t want to waste my time. I’m sure they feel the same.

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Plus, me thinks you two didn't discuss what you were each looking for before sex came into the picture.

Just don't jump the gun when dating. Ensure that when you meet someone you are both looking for the same things, and don't jump into bed prior to this being established.

Yes, I made foolish assumptions because things felt perfect.

When do you suggest having a conversation about what the other person is looking for so that it doesn’t scare them off? I feel like if you ask them on date one, you’d scare them off.

I think that if you want emotional intimacy, don't go for sex on the third date. Go on proper dates and see if there is chemistry first. You tried to "create" intimacy by telling her a few things about yourself after you already had sex. You need to slow your roll and take more time getting to know someone instead of falsely trying to create a connection. Honestly, i don't want someone to "show how vulnerable" they are on a 1st, 2nd, 3rd date - i want to get to know them and want them to get to know me - can we carry on a conversation? What are they like?

 

I think that after a couple of dates she was just getting to know you.

 

To me, adults don't ask anyone to be "exclusive" after the 3rd date. They may hint after a few weeks that they are not seeing anyone else, etc,

At what point do you recommend entering a sexual relationship?

At what point do you recommend entering a sexual relationship?

If it's an exclusive relationship you are after, then don't have sex with them until which time you have talked about what you are ultimately looking for and decided you are both on the same page.

Sorry to hear this. It doesn't sound like it's about you, but about her issues. Don't reach out and explain again. Let her reach out first when she's had time to process.

it sounds like she had a bad experience in the past which makes being intimate emotionally difficult, she also had felt trapped/controlled by that relationship.

Fantastic conversational chemistry can really happen with any outgoing, extroverted person. It's just not enough to go on so early on.

The balance for you is you simply don't sleep with them on date 1-3 or even 4 or 5.

Which brings us to how would you know. That's kind of the point of those early on dates. It's a time to explore and find out what's good but also what's off with that person.

Questions like what their dating goals are at large, honestly come up very very early on - like date one or two or even before if you talk on the phone. It's not a pressured conversation about what they want from you, but what they are looking for at large. You'd be surprised how honest most people tend to be in terms of telling you upfront if they are just looking for something casual, looking for that one person for something serious, etc. It's really just a check in that you are at least looking for the same things in general or not.

Talking briefly about your previous relationships, last one and when it ended. Again, not a deep emotional conversation, but just feeling things out. When, what happened that they broke up and then you listen carefully to what they say. Yes, it may lead to a long emotional response or an angry tirade about their abusive cheating ex - good reason to smile, nod, mumble something supportive and never schedule another date with them. You might even find out that they just broke up last week. Again - you just never know what you'll uncover and that will save you from a lot of grief and investing in a losing proposition. I've had guys put these kinds of questions in a very lighthearted, even kind of a complimentary manner - like "how did I get so lucky to find you single?"

Early on dates are really a mix of having fun, but also an exploratory mission. You can't just sit back and focus strictly on the fun parts. You also need to dedicate some time to some more important questions. Again, it's not what you ask but how. For example, I can't do an attached at the hip thing and need a guy who is pretty independent. I will absolutely explore that in those first few dates. It's not exactly a direct question like "so how much time do you need from me", but more learning if he has regular hobbies, friends he spends time with on a regular basis, his work and how much time that takes up, I might pay careful attention to how much he is contacting me or not, etc. It's not just talking, it's also paying attention that their words and actions are matching up.

When is the best time to ask what the other person is looking for?

It’s a personal thing I think.

For me, I lay it all out there on date one. I don’t multidate, I’m sexually exclusive, etc., etc.

If I meet a man who is ready to marry and start a family I’m not going to be for him. If I meet a man who has a booty call lined up for Tuesday, he’s not the man for me. Get that all out on the table. Believe it or not for the most part, people will tell you the truth. You have to be ready to hear it.

okay. But i bet you were going to say something interesting....

Second that...