Am I asking too much?

So, I've been dating this guy for nearly three years and he has never once bought me flowers. Ever. And for some reason that bothers me so much. I'm not even sure why; I just know it makes me want to cry. I feel like it has to do with a few changes I've noticed in our relationship like his lack of effort recently for much of anything. For example, he didn't get or do anything for my birthday this year other than tell me happy birthday. I went all out with his. I even returned the watch I had already purchased for him so I could purchase the one he told me he actually liked. I buy him things spontaneously when I have the money because I find things that remind me of him or that I know he likes; they make me think of him. Which makes me wonder if he's ever thinking of me when he's out and about. Does that make sense? I mean, it's just so hard not to get upset in some way about it because all too often I'm greeted with this, "guess what???" And I get excited thinking there's some news, he has plans for us, or something; anything but it's always some announcement for a new thing he bought for his car. It's always the car. And then he never has money for anything else unless it's the car. If we go out to eat he'll ask if I'm paying and if i mention that he has money and I thought he was paying (since I've already paid for a few of our meals) I'll usually get, "but I need that for __insert car related item here__" and normally I don't care i just accept it because I know he's a grease monkey and he's proud of it; it's part of his charm. But for once I would like a simple gift. Just something small that says he misses me or appreciates me or was thinking of mr. It could be a foot rub that lasts more than two minutes. Him doing a simple chore that I normally do. Flowers. Chocolates. A "guess what" that has something to do with me and not a car. Recently I just feel like he isn't trying anymore. He says I love you and hugs me and cuddles me still but there's just something missing. I don't feel special ever recently and it sucks. Am I asking too much?

No, I don't think you're asking for too much. He's putting no effort into the relationship, and that's trouble. When his car is more important than having a girlfriend, I think it's time to bail out. I don't know if you're living together, but you might think about moving on and finding a boyfriend who will be interested in you.

Oh my dear. I'm sorry. It brings back memories of my ex who was exactly the same. Well, he didn't have a hobby where all his money went into but he wasn't thoughtful. Some people just don't think ''How can I make my bf/gf feel special''. They will do the bare minimum. I did so many lovely things for my ex.Things that cost money and things that were just meant to make him feel special. He never ever reciprocated. If I asked him why he said he just never thought of it.When I asked if he could make a note to remind himself he refused. He said he didn't ask me to do all the things for him and while he appreciated them they weren't needed. So your guy just isn't the romantic type. In my case, it was lack of interest on his part. This May or may not be the case for you. I know some people will tell you that you shouldn't be so greedy and want stuff and be happy he tells you he loves you. I disagree. I need little gestures to show he loves me. I now am with a wonderful guy who shows me every single day that he loves me. He's only bought me flowers once but that is irrelevant as everything else proves that he appreciates me. I suggest you have a long and hard think whether he makes you his priority and makes you feel loved.

I once posted this about my ex. We were together 3. 5 years and it never changed.

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=405388

Stop buying him things. It's that simple. Also consider how much longer you want to continue with a selfish immature man.

I've been dating this guy for nearly three years. I've noticed in our relationship like his lack of effort recently for much of anything.

What exactly keeps you staying with him?

You are not asking too much. Have you ever asked him why he didn’t get you anything for your birthday or why he doesn’t bring you flowers?

No, you're not asking too much what so ever. The whole point of having a partner is to feel loved and appreciated by someone.

Both partners need to equally make efforts to show their love and appreciation.

He's not doing his part, in fact it's very sad how little effort he is making.

You really should consider why you are with someone who does not value you enough to show you proper love and appreciation.

Also, no one should put more love and effort into a materialistic thing than towards an actual human being that they say they love.

A child is capable of giving someone hugs and saying I Love You. A real man makes his partner feel special by treating her a minimum of half the time to restaurant meals, and giving her occasional back rubs (I got 3 this week--said I had a stiff neck--didn't ask). He picks up things at the store he knows she's short on, and makes her feel special on her birthday and Christmas.

Your self worth needs some work since you've been putting up with his poor behavior for a long time. Please work on that, and growing a spine and speak up for your needs, or you will subconsciously choose the same type of man in the future. Read The Five Languages. It sounds like your love language is receiving gifts, and your future bf will need to know this about you for you to be happy. You will also need to know what your future bf's love language is. My husband thrives on compliments for his cooking and when he does yard work, etc.

Ordinarily, I'd recommend having a deep discussion with your man about what you want from him, and wait and see if he cares enough to come through and stick with the changes. It's up to you if you want to try or not. I wouldn't blame you for throwing in the towel without doing that, because if he doesn't care that you're spending your hard-earned money on him and he's that selfish to not reciprocate, he's not the lifetime partner you're worthy of. Take care.

Have you actually talked to him and told him not only how you feel, but what you want from him? Being clear about what you want and expect goes a long long way in relationships, unless you just happen to run into your own twin who just thinks exactly like you do and does what you want flawlessly. Unfortunately, that's not realistic, so you need to learn how to communicate, especially when you aren't happy.

The way it looks to your bf right now is that you are super happy with everything. He does whatever, you just smile and pick up the bill. Then you spoil him with more presents. Why on earth should he do anything different when you appear to be so happy with the arrangement????

Agreed with the others. Have you two taken the love languages test? That could be a way to start the conversation (I think it’s valuable information regardless)

Do you happen to have a link for the test, mustlove?

You're certainly not asking for too much, but after three years I'd be asking why you're still in this relationship. Because you're now sort of in a classic bind: You can try to teach him to be attentive and chivalrous, rather than self-centered and car-obsessed, but at what cost? Do you want to be with a man who buys you flowers and little gifts, or with a man you have to teach to do that stuff after three years? And can your resentment—which, of course, is a frustration with both him and yourself—even be overcome at this juncture?

And, as others have pointed out, you've spent a long time now letting him know that his behavior is fine. You buy him gifts, get the bill, which is essentially teaching him that the current dynamic works. So whether it's with him or the next guy, you might want to consider communicating this stuff earlier.

I stay with him because he's a person who makes me laugh when I'm sad. He plays with me like a kid sometimes too. Like pay wrestling, chaseing me around, tickle fights. And something that I think is super important is that he's never intentionally hurt me before and the one time he did on accident (one of the times we were play wrestling) he felt so guilty he nearly cried. He's also super protective of me. Like he'll literally do things out of his character to protect me at times. An example would be when I nearly got hit by this car one time. He ran between me and the car, pounded on the hood and started yelling at the driver for not paying attention. Whereas he's normally very quiet and shy and even though arrangements don't scare him he usually avoids them; he doesn't seek them out.

Do you happen to have a link for the test, mustlove?

Sure do :) good point -

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

Lose this guy.!

You cannot buy people. He does not sound like he cares, or even respects you.

Do you really want a future where you are paying for everything and not having your feelings reciprocated?

If you stay with him - I hope you don't- then no more gifts. At all!

He is selfish and immature. Expect more for yourself!

Agreed with the others. Have you two taken the love languages test? That could be a way to start the conversation (I think it’s valuable information regardless)

Interesting that you mention this. I love, love the idea that part of romance is learning to speak the "love language" of another.

For instance, I'm very much a classic romantic. I'm a flower buyer, a gift giver, a back rubber, a lover of the grand gesture. I love cooking for women, and generally pick up the tab at dinner, because I love taking my woman out, be it the fifth date or the third year.

All of which my current gf enjoys. Still, there are small things she needs to feel seen and supported that are outside of my wheelhouse. Like, some help with her dog, whom she adores. I've never had a dog, or dated someone with a dog, so this wasn't something I could just intuit. Surprising her with a trip to Asia? No brainer. Surprising her by walking her dog when she's stuck at work? Wouldn't cross my mind.

But when she communicated to me how stressful it is having the dog and working crazy hours and that sharing those kind of responsibilities are something she finds as sexy as a nice dinner—well, I started walking the dog, etc., which is easy for me because I work from home, live near her, love an excuse to go for a walk myself, and also love making her happy. It just wasn't something I would have considered, a place where our love languages weren't totally in line.

This was an early little adjustment with us—we weren't even "bf/gf." But it put us on that path, helped me understand the kind of small gestures that are maybe more important to her than the grand ones. One very sweet day we had dinner plans, and she said she might have to cancel—work went late, she had to walk and feed the dog. I told her I'd taken care of that, so we could have a nice night together. "Whoa," she said, "you're learning my love language."

And it goes both ways, a kind of ongoing dialogue as we get to know each other.

I say all that, OP, as a way of showing how this stuff sometimes needs to be communicated. From your first post your bf sounded awfully self-centered, to the point where I was tempted to say cut bait. But your last post shows warmth, appreciation, along with the frustrations. I bet your bf, on some instinctual level, knows you like his playful side, his ability to make you laugh on a bluesy day, and his protective side. That's his natural love language, and it's effective, but limited. You can maybe help him expand it a bit through communication—and, well, if that doesn't work than you know the match has maybe sadly run its course.

But buying him gifts when you're resenting him for not reciprocating, or picking up the bill when you'd like him to chip in—well, that's going to just keep things as they are.

I stay with him because he's a person who makes me laugh when I'm sad. He plays with me like a kid sometimes too. Like pay wrestling, chaseing me around, tickle fights. And something that I think is super important is that he's never intentionally hurt me before and the one time he did on accident (one of the times we were play wrestling) he felt so guilty he nearly cried. He's also super protective of me. Like he'll literally do things out of his character to protect me at times. An example would be when I nearly got hit by this car one time. He ran between me and the car, pounded on the hood and started yelling at the driver for not paying attention. Whereas he's normally very quiet and shy and even though arrangements don't scare him he usually avoids them; he doesn't seek them out.

I think a friend can offer that, not your partner. Is this going to carry you for a lifetime: tickling, chasing and laughing?

You are financing this guy, and he is not fulfilling you emotionally. You need to reread your thread.

How old are you guys?

Interesting that you mention this. I love, love the idea that part of romance is learning to speak the "love language" of another.

 

For instance, I'm very much a classic romantic. I'm a flower buyer, a gift giver, a back rubber, a lover of the grand gesture. I love cooking for women, and generally pick up the tab at dinner, because I love taking my woman out, be it the fifth date or the third year.

 

All of which my current gf enjoys. Still, there are small things she needs to feel seen and supported that are outside of my wheelhouse. Like, some help with her dog, whom she adores. I've never had a dog, or dated someone with a dog, so this wasn't something I could just intuit. Surprising her with a trip to Asia? No brainer. Surprising her by walking her dog when she's stuck at work? Wouldn't cross my mind.

 

But when she communicated to me how stressful it is having the dog and working crazy hours and that sharing those kind of responsibilities are something she finds as sexy as a nice dinner—well, I started walking the dog, etc., which is easy for me because I work from home, live near her, love an excuse to go for a walk myself, and also love making her happy. It just wasn't something I would have considered, a place where our love languages weren't totally in line.

 

This was an early little adjustment with us—we weren't even "bf/gf." But it put us on that path, helped me understand the kind of small gestures that are maybe more important to her than the grand ones. One very sweet day we had dinner plans, and she said she might have to cancel—work went late, she had to walk and feed the dog. I told her I'd taken care of that, so we could have a nice night together. "Whoa," she said, "you're learning my love language."

 

And it goes both ways, a kind of ongoing dialogue as we get to know each other.

 

I say all that, OP, as a way of showing how this stuff sometimes needs to be communicated. From your first post your bf sounded awfully self-centered, to the point where I was tempted to say cut bait. But your last post shows warmth, appreciation, along with the frustrations. I bet your bf, on some instinctual level, knows you like his playful side, his ability to make you laugh on a bluesy day, and his protective side. That's his natural love language, and it's effective, but limited. You can maybe help him expand it a bit through communication—and, well, if that doesn't work than you know the match has maybe sadly run its course.

 

But buying him gifts when you're resenting him for not reciprocating, or picking up the bill when you'd like him to chip in—well, that's going to just keep things as they are.

That's it...bluecastle, I sincerely hope I meet you in the next life. This is why I love this group. Such excellent advice and insight. You're an inspiration.

I stay with him because he's a person who makes me laugh when I'm sad. He plays with me like a kid sometimes too. Like pay wrestling, chaseing me around, tickle fights. And something that I think is super important is that he's never intentionally hurt me before and the one time he did on accident (one of the times we were play wrestling) he felt so guilty he nearly cried. He's also super protective of me. Like he'll literally do things out of his character to protect me at times. An example would be when I nearly got hit by this car one time. He ran between me and the car, pounded on the hood and started yelling at the driver for not paying attention. Whereas he's normally very quiet and shy and even though arrangements don't scare him he usually avoids them; he doesn't seek them out.

So, it's not that he is some self absorbed jerk that your original post implies him to be, but rather that he expresses his care and love for you differently. So I totally agree with the other posters that you need to read up on the different love languages, both of you, and learn how to read and understand each other better and...compromise. He does need to learn to buy you a gift once in awhile and you need to learn to see that he loves you when he is hugging you or jumping between you and the car. Love and affection isn't all about what gifts you get......

All you have to do to level the field is stop buying him stuff, paying for him and babying/mothering him. Unfortunately it sounds more like you are babysitting than in a relationship.

It sounds like you are both in high school and his car is all he thinks about and all he offers is tickling fights and play wrestling? He treats you more like a pal than a gf. Perhaps that's why there is zero romantic things?

He plays with me like a kid sometimes too. Like pay wrestling, chaseing me around, tickle fights.

I'll be the first to say some dudes just suck at material expression. It's worth looking at ways he may show affection or appreciation. If it doesn't work for you, then it doesn't work.

But what I would like to know is what you mean by "I already paid for a few meals before." Are we talking you paid for the last three or four meals? Or in the grand scheme of the relationship, you've paid a handful of times? There's no reason he should be having you disproportionately front the cash for meals or other joint expenses while he's got money to rice out his truck. Unless there's some history where you rarely or never offer to pay, it seems quite audacious for him to ask you to outright.

Interesting that you mention this. I love, love the idea that part of romance is learning to speak the "love language" of another.

 

For instance, I'm very much a classic romantic. I'm a flower buyer, a gift giver, a back rubber, a lover of the grand gesture. I love cooking for women, and generally pick up the tab at dinner, because I love taking my woman out, be it the fifth date or the third year.

 

All of which my current gf enjoys. Still, there are small things she needs to feel seen and supported that are outside of my wheelhouse. Like, some help with her dog, whom she adores. I've never had a dog, or dated someone with a dog, so this wasn't something I could just intuit. Surprising her with a trip to Asia? No brainer. Surprising her by walking her dog when she's stuck at work? Wouldn't cross my mind.

 

But when she communicated to me how stressful it is having the dog and working crazy hours and that sharing those kind of responsibilities are something she finds as sexy as a nice dinner—well, I started walking the dog, etc., which is easy for me because I work from home, live near her, love an excuse to go for a walk myself, and also love making her happy. It just wasn't something I would have considered, a place where our love languages weren't totally in line.

 

This was an early little adjustment with us—we weren't even "bf/gf." But it put us on that path, helped me understand the kind of small gestures that are maybe more important to her than the grand ones. One very sweet day we had dinner plans, and she said she might have to cancel—work went late, she had to walk and feed the dog. I told her I'd taken care of that, so we could have a nice night together. "Whoa," she said, "you're learning my love language."

 

And it goes both ways, a kind of ongoing dialogue as we get to know each other.

 

I say all that, OP, as a way of showing how this stuff sometimes needs to be communicated. From your first post your bf sounded awfully self-centered, to the point where I was tempted to say cut bait. But your last post shows warmth, appreciation, along with the frustrations. I bet your bf, on some instinctual level, knows you like his playful side, his ability to make you laugh on a bluesy day, and his protective side. That's his natural love language, and it's effective, but limited. You can maybe help him expand it a bit through communication—and, well, if that doesn't work than you know the match has maybe sadly run its course.

 

But buying him gifts when you're resenting him for not reciprocating, or picking up the bill when you'd like him to chip in—well, that's going to just keep things as they are.

Agreed - he may think, from his experience, he’s adequately expressing it. What she wants may not cross his mind.

I think back to my ex. I have no idea what my love language was. He couldn’t communicate or articulate it. Mine is words, and if he couldn’t communicate what he wanted, how could he give me what I wanted?

But now that I’m older and wiser, using this little quiz may help spark conversation.

I stay with him because he's a person who makes me laugh when I'm sad.

So he's not a bad guy, you just want him to give you things. I'll admit, I'm not much of a gift-giver either. A lot of guys show their love by doing things with you and doing things for you. But something would have been nice on your birthday.

You're going to have to decide whether the pluses outweigh the minuses. Does him doing things for you compensate for the gifts you buy him? For example, I do things for my wife all day long. I'm lifting things, I'm putting away stuff, I do all of the trash and recycling sorting, I come when she calls about this or that. And so on. Do I feel guilty when she buys me a trinket when she's out and about? Not at all. So you have to decide if it's all worth it.

I stay with him because he's a person who makes me laugh when I'm sad. He plays with me like a kid sometimes too. Like pay wrestling, chaseing me around, tickle fights. And something that I think is super important is that he's never intentionally hurt me before and the one time he did on accident (one of the times we were play wrestling) he felt so guilty he nearly cried. He's also super protective of me. Like he'll literally do things out of his character to protect me at times. An example would be when I nearly got hit by this car one time. He ran between me and the car, pounded on the hood and started yelling at the driver for not paying attention. Whereas he's normally very quiet and shy and even though arrangements don't scare him he usually avoids them; he doesn't seek them out.

Well he sounds playful and makes you laugh, which may balance out your more serious nature. That's a huge plus.

Bolded, yeah his protective nature is definitely endearing, and after initialing thinking this guy was a selfish a**, I now agree with MLD that it's simply a matter of your having different love languages. Possibly.

It sounds like your LL is "gifts" (which may be his LAST or even off the radar altogether, my dad's was and mine is at the bottom as well) and his LL may be "acts of service." "Gifts" and "Service" to be defined however a couple wishes to define.

Communicate. This is what I plan on doing with my boyfriend tonight after realizing our LLs may not jive on a couple of things.

We match on "quality time" (which is my main LL) but not so much on "words of affirmation" which is my second. Hopefully, after talking we can resolve.

Relationships are tough! You have two totally separate individuals with different natures and styles attempting to connect and bond forming a long lasting union. No easy feat!

He's freaking using you. Stop paying for things and spending money what the hell. It should be that you guys take turns at the very least. You're like a sugar momma -_-.