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How to speak with my parents about him ?


Chloe157

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I am 18 and I am talking to a guy for few months but he is from another city and another important thing is that he is older, he is 25. I still live with my parents, because I am on my last year of highschool and last weekend they left me home alone. I invited him to know eachother. I am a bit an outsider and I don't really go out so often so it was strange to told my parents with what person I was going out all the day, because I was afraid that they won't let me actually meet him so I have decided to lie. And so he came in my city with a train for few hours and I gotta say that was one of the best days I have ever had, because of how he made me feel, I showed him the city but also had some time for ourselves and enjoyed eachother and now we are kinda in a distance relationship and he wants to visit me one time on every month. The problem is that I have to speak to my parents, because I can't hide anymore and I am afraid. He is a good guy, with a job, living in the best city but what if my parents will say a big NO because of his age or the fact that they think that he will use me ? What arguments should I have to explain why I have lied and how can I make them to accept him ? I really want them to be ok with it because I want to meet with him again next month. I am planning to tell them soon or till the next month, because he encourage me on doing it too. Any advice ?

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It was a great day.

 

Not the foundation for a fantasy in real life LTR. Dial back your enthusiasm and focus on your path. No matter who you meet you still need to handle your business : education, dreams, impacts. How will the world be different because of your contributions?

 

THAT is your #1 priority. This guy -- he is a diversion. Understandable. 18 is HARD. Even so - you gotta cross this bridge on your own.

 

And... your parents? What do they have to do with it? You've met once.

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What country do you live in? That would help to give you an answer. In general, I can just say that if I were your parent, I wouldn't like the idea of you going out with a 25 year-old guy. Older guys are looking for more in a relationship than 18-year olds. Also meeting people on the Internet is a little scary and there are a lot of guys who are predators looking for young, naive girls like you, or they are hiding emotional or mental problems. This is also a mostly Internet relationship and not a real relationship. He's more of a pen pal than a boyfriend. I think maybe you should look around school and see if there's a boy you like, that you know, to go out on dates with. You can learn what a date is this way and not start with a 25-year-old guy.

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As a mother myself I'm going to ground you from using the computer for three weeks.

 

You should never meet up with a stranger from the internet without your parents or at least a good friend knowing where you're going and with whom. For all you know, he's a rapist or a dealer in human traffic and is going to take you away for a life of prostitution.

 

Do I sound over the top, well to you, probably but that sort of thing happens every single day. The fact that he's that much older then you makes it even worse and even more suspect.

 

Tell your parents and have him come to your home and meet them if they will agree. If they won't then don't see him again. You have no idea that he is a "good guy" at all.

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And... your parents? What do they have to do with it? You've met once.

 

Just to tell them about the next time I will see him, nothing more. Also, he has nothing to do with the path I am on because I will barely see him in the next months so it doesn't bother all the other important things in my life. Also, he lives in the city I want to go for college.

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It is totally legal, 18 means major here, it is of age. I know the risk but I have discussed with him, and I know he is alright, he is a simple guy.

You don't know him. NEVER meet a stranger from the internet with blind trust. Talk to your parents and do any other meetings with their blessing and their knowledge that way you won't be falling for him and then have to sneak around like a criminal to see him. If he's as good as you say he is then why would your parents curtail you from seeing him?

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I knew the risks, and trust me, he is alright. And thanks for being the only one who said at least to try to tell them, I am gonna think about it. Also, if something was suspect I wouldn't even talked to him, and now that I met him and I saw that he is ok and serious, I am pretty convinced that he is not a bad person, that is why I don't give much details about how is him.

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I am just paranoid, and asking for some tips on how to explain to them.

 

Why are you having such trepidation to speak to your parents? Do you not have a loving and open relationship with them where you can go to them freely to discuss most things? I hope you can... we must all strive to make our children not afraid to come to us for any kind of advice.

 

What is the worse thing they can do to you? They will not give you their blessing or they will. If they don't give it then consider waiting to date this guy until you are out of your parents home and on your own. You are 18 and surely they don't expect you to be living the life of a Nun.

 

Simply go to them and tell them you've met a nice young man and you'd be very happy if they would meet him. If this guy won't meet them then he's not the good guy you think he is.

 

... and please be more cautious. You only know this guy from what he's told you and one short meeting. That is not enough to know whether he's a good guy or he's a poser just waiting to pounce.

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It's normal at your age to want to be more independent. Was he on a dating site? Are you parents conservative or over protective for some reason? Don't worry about them, worry about you. At this point you had fun but you don't know if he's married, has a gf etc. Don't "sell him" to your parents. Don't try the he's got a good job, blah blah approach.

 

Rather talk to them that you are ready to date and need some practice going on dates. Keep it about you. Then be home when you say you will, etc. In other words don't tell them how mature you are, show them by being responsible and using appropriate safely measures, like meeting in public, not drinking on dates etc.

he came in my city with a train for few hours. he wants to visit me one time on every month. The problem is that I have to speak to my parents, because I can't hide anymore.
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Why are you having such trepidation to speak to your parents? Do you not have a loving and open relationship with them where you can go to them freely to discuss most things? I hope you can... we must all strive to make our children not afraid to come to us for any kind of advice.

 

I have a good relationship with my parents and they are open minded, my mom always told me to tell everything, and even thought it went well, I don't know how she will react.

 

What is the worse thing they can do to you? They will not give you their blessing or they will. If they don't give it then consider waiting to date this guy until you are out of your parents home and on your own. You are 18 and surely they don't expect you to be living the life of a Nun.

 

That's true.

 

Simply go to them and tell them you've met a nice young man and you'd be very happy if they would meet him. If this guy won't meet them then he's not the good guy you think he is.

 

Thanks. I saw a lot of negative comments here and I almost started to cry because I have seen that people find my situation something really bad, and it is really not like this. There is a good part in this also, I wanted to make something on my own, to prove that I know what I am doing in my life.

And, by the way, he hasn t got any problem with meeting my parents. He is the one encouraging me to tell them the truth because he kinda feels also awkward and guilty knowing that I lied to them to meet him.

 

... and please be more cautious. You only know this guy from what he's told you and one short meeting. That is not enough to know whether he's a good guy or he's a poser just waiting to pounce.

 

Thanks, I was cautious. I don't speak with anyone, and am very selective and I double ckeck every information about poeple I talk. We talked for few months, he is a serious adult, with a serious job, he finished college and he even has photos with his parents at graduation. Everything is fine, and in person, he is a simple guy. I may had the courage to met him, but he also payed a lot for coming at me. I have to admit that I took it like a game, I was like: "yeah, let's meet" but never thought that he will actually take it serious, and he wants to see me again when he will have again money to come. I was the one who wanted this, but never thought about how it will be.

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It's normal at your age to want to be more independent. Was he on a dating site?

 

On facebook, in a comment section about a rock concert. But it is not that important, it's been few months. I knew how he looked, we chatted, talked on phone, he has some family photos online and a full profile with informations, saw his parents there too, and college friends etc. Not a ghost on the interent, this is what I am saying.

 

Are you parents conservative or over protective for some reason?

 

They are ok. Protective, but also open minded.

 

Rather talk to them that you are ready to date and need some practice going on dates. Keep it about you. Then be home when you say you will, etc. In other words don't tell them how mature you are, show them by being responsible and using appropriate safely measures, like meeting in public, not drinking on dates etc.

 

But this is what we did. We met in public and walked in the city and showed him different new things for 7 hours. And then he took the train back.

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Just be honest with them. There's not much else you can do. Tell them you met a guy you like, explain the situation, see how they feel about it. You seem to be assuming they will be against you on this... they might suprise you. You are old enough they can't exactly stop you seeing him again but it would be safer if they knew where you were and who you were with.

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When I was 18 and 19, there were things my parents forbid me to do, which I was frustrated about at the time. As an adult, I thank God I didn't go behind their backs because now that my brain has matured (the decision-making part, the pre-frontal cortex doesn't mature until age 25), I see that they were absolutely right and I would've put myself in danger.

 

In my opinion, there's something mentally wrong with a 25 year old guy who wants to date a girl in high school who still lives with her parents. You two are in totally different life stages. And long distance relationships have a high rate of failure, especially ones that start that way.

 

If he's so cute and has his stuff together, why has he sought someone who it's a pain to regularly get together with? Could it be has secrets? For all you know, he could be married or has a gf, and dating someone long distance will keep those two worlds from colliding. Could it be that he dates short term and as soon as he gets the cookie, it's easier since the woman can't track him down to his home?

 

You're playing with fire here. Get off the internet and join the real world, where you can see what a guy is up to locally--who his family and friends are. What his work ethic is like. What his hobbies are. And it's much more satisfying to get together with someone regularly versus Skypeing and spending a lot of money in traveling. You might think you're making the best decisions for yourself, but know that you're still a teen living at home, so to honor your parents, please accept their rules and follow them. They love you and want to protect you until you can make wise decisions for yourself, which you definitely didn't do by meeting a stranger much older than you. Predators don't always attack the first time. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, had given one woman a ride once before, before the second ride when he made the attack.

 

Whenever you have to keep a relationship a secret, it's always wrong and you know it. Please be safe and let them know what's going on in your life.

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Just be honest with them. There's not much else you can do. Tell them you met a guy you like, explain the situation, see how they feel about it. You seem to be assuming they will be against you on this... they might suprise you. You are old enough they can't exactly stop you seeing him again but it would be safer if they knew where you were and who you were with.

 

Wow, thanks. Guess I am gonna try when I will feel to. I don't know if they will be against... everything is possible. Of course they will be disappointed because I lied or afraid about the fact that maybe he is not how I describe him. But yeah, of course they can't stop me, it will be so stupid. Yeah, it will be safer. Also, I have to tell them because it won't work again, as they are home and know when I leave the house and ask me everytime about the people I see.

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My grandmother eloped with her husband when she was 17 and he was 26. Married 65 years. Died within 6 months of each other. Course this is a long time ago.

 

In my opinion, guys mature later than women. My youngest son was very immature at 25. He's 26 now and still looks and acts like he's a teenager. ugh

 

I've told women who couldn't find a guy to date...in THEIR age group....to date older. Guys at 18 and 19 are extremely immature.

 

Hopefully your parents will be accepting. Have him come to the door and introduce him. Say you met on a dating site and have been talking for a few month. That he has traveled hours so he could meet them, and have their blessing. Then SIT together with them....so if they want to ask him questions, he will be there in person to answer them. Maybe have dinner all together. Then after a few hours, ask your parents if it would be ok for you to go with him around the city for an hour.

 

Hopefully they will be comfortable enough with him for them to say yes.

 

If you tell them that you lied and met up with him while they were gone, they will punish you and HIM by saying NO. Your new guy friend is suggesting/pushing for you to tell your parents, right? He's not wanting to be a secret...right? I'm saying this more for the other posters on here.....

 

 

Good Luck. I was not suppose to date til I was 18. When I was 19 I met a guy 9 years older. He was just going thru his 2nd divorce. A drinker. Lived with him for 3 years. I grew up a lot in those 3 years.

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I've told women who couldn't find a guy to date...in THEIR age group....to date older. Guys at 18 and 19 are extremely immature.

 

I know... I have been with one that my parents also knew - He was the biggest liar

And then I dated my crush, and after we both told that we liked eachother he changed his mind telling me that he see my like a friend and he didn't know at that moment what he wanted and that he doesn't want a relationship anyway... and then I have discovered that he was with another girl. So yeah, there are many immature guys at this age.

 

Hopefully your parents will be accepting. Have him come to the door and introduce him. Say you met on a dating site and have been talking for a few month. That he has traveled hours so he could meet them, and have their blessing. Then SIT together with them....so if they want to ask him questions, he will be there in person to answer them. Maybe have dinner all together. Then after a few hours, ask your parents if it would be ok for you to go with him around the city for an hour.

 

Wow, thank you for supporting this.

 

Hopefully they will be comfortable enough with him for them to say yes.

 

If you tell them that you lied and met up with him while they were gone, they will punish you and HIM by saying NO. Your new guy friend is suggesting/pushing for you to tell your parents, right? He's not wanting to be a secret...right? I'm saying this more for the other posters on here.....

 

Yeah, it was only my ideea to lie. He has nothing to do with it. Also he is always telling me that the more I am hiding it the harder it will be for me.

 

Thanks ! I also talked to him and it is not a problem and he can just stop hurring up with this relationship and just enjoying eachother because I told him that there are some things that bother me everyday. At least, he understands me.

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Be honest with them. In the event something happens, they will deal with it better knowing where you were and who you were with. Youre 18 but still under their roof until you go to college. The age difference now is noticeable. If you were 30 and he 37, it wouldnt seem like a big deal . Good luck to you.

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  • 2 months later...

There are almost three months since I asked this question here and I want to say some things like an update of what happened. Firstly, thanks for those few who wished me good luck, trying to help me and who were more open-minded about my situation. I say this because most of the comments were like:"how can you do this ? Don't meet with people from the internet. You should be punnished." Jesus.

Ok, so this is what happened:

My parents didn't even talked about the fact that I have lied, they cared more about the guy and the fact that I want to meet him again. They were ok to let him come at my house and meet my parents. All went better than I excepted, they talked, they saw that he si alright, and also a good guy. They even forget about his age. And he already came again for 4 times and everytime he stayed 3 days in my city, and our relationship si great, and my parents love him.

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There are almost three months since I asked this question here and I want to say some things like an update of what happened. Firstly, thanks for those few who wished me good luck, trying to help me and who were more open-minded about my situation. I say this because most of the comments were like:"how can you do this ? Don't meet with people from the internet. You should be punnished." Jesus.

Ok, so this is what happened:

My parents didn't even talked about the fact that I have lied, they cared more about the guy and the fact that I want to meet him again. They were ok to let him come at my house and meet my parents. All went better than I excepted, they talked, they saw that he si alright, and also a good guy. They even forget about his age. And he already came again for 4 times and everytime he stayed 3 days in my city, and our relationship si great, and my parents love him.

Awesome! Thanks for updating us with such good news. :D

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