Should i date someone who says he doesn't want to get married anytime soon?

We are in our late 20s.

We clicked - so much in common and there is chemistry.

The only thing that put me off is he said he doesnt see himself marrying anytime soon, by soon i mean even in 3 years time.

Also, he didn't have a relationship for more than 6 years. He had a cheating gf and he kept away from relationship thing. But now he is ready for a relationship.

On the other hand, I want to get married no later than 3-4 years as I want to have kids by the time I am 35.

I am one of those people who overthink. He had a cheating gf, he probably has trust issues.

How should I approach him? How can i make him trust me or is it even possible to make him overcome his trust issues and consider opening up to someone and getting married?

If you've only started seeing each other, I think it's best to let it go.

You will end up wasting a whole lot of time trying to convince him and/or force him later on down the line.

I think he's been really honest with you and it's what you should expect of him.

If you want marriage and children, he's not your guy.

Short answer: No.

Your goals are not aligned.

People may disagree, but I say, get that stuff out in the open as early as possible, to save yourself from future heartache.

I've BTDT, and I suffered great disappointment, when in fact, he was truthful with me all along, but I chose to push it under the rug.

Lifetime goals are important: wanting marriage, kids, etc., should be something you both feel.

Him saying 3 years is likely his way of getting anyone he dates to shut up about marriage, right now. He just doesn't want it. In 3 years, on Oct. 16, 2021, will he want it suddenly? Maybe, maybe not. If it was me, I'd get out now, and not wake up in 3 years, wishing you hadn't waited on him.

Sure, he could want a relationship. That doesn't mean he wants marriage. That means, he wants someone to do stuff with, and have regular sex.

I'd have saved myself much heartache if only I'd paid heed to this simple statement:

When a man tells you something, believe him.

Guys will usually be honest about what the deal is, so they can be guilt free knowing you signed up for what THEY wanted. This is not what you want. Chemistry is only what you start with when considering a partner, and nothing you have control over. What you do have control over is using your brain and being a wise dater, which means not settling--making sure a man has all of your must-haves and lacks dealbreakers.

You have a goal. Keep throwing back the fish who don't measure up. This will ensure you're single so you can snag the prize catch.

How long as this relationship been going on?

I'm of split minds here, and admit to being a little biased, being someone who, at 39, has never put much stock in marriage as a goal. Meeting someone I can share a life with—yeah, that's a big goal, which I'm clear about, and kids could be part of that with the right person. But I know that will take serious time—that the first year with anyone is still the discovery stage—so it's not so pressing in the early days. I don't go into the first date or first month thinking, "Is this my future wife?"

Anyhow, part of me feels this is premature thinking/overthinking. You're saying you're cool with getting married in 3-4 years, kids in an other 5-8 (depending on where you are in your late 20s). That's quite a bit of time, no? Time to, you know, date a person and get to know them and see if you really, really want to go the distance with them. Or, put another way, it sounds like you you don't see yourself getting married anytime soon, so maybe you're a bit more on the same page than you think?

On the other hand, maybe it's important to you—needed even—to know early on that you're dating someone with a similar vision. Someone who can sit across from you and say, "I'd like to be married by 30." That you need to know that to let your guard down a bit, to feel safe in continuing to open up, and this guy is giving you the feeling that he's maybe not on the same page? If that's the case, then it's a value thing that has to be taken into account regardless of the chemistry.

Again, it depends on how long this has been going on, so that'll help.

As for how to "make him trust me," that just takes time, too. You continue to get to know him, and him you. You ask each other questions, stay curious. You show him who you know yourself to be—a wonderful, trustworthy woman—and you hope he sees that. Trust is not something that happens right away, but something you build, slowly and patiently, together, with respect that someone else's past may put them on a slightly different timeline in the trust department as you.

Bluecastle, you raise some interesting points.

Here's the thing though: He's already told her that it will be 3 years before he's even ready to discuss marriage, if then.

He's not thinking, well, I'd like a partner, and if it works out, then maybe it will lead to marriage, etc.

He's thinking, and telling: It will be 3 years before the word "marriage" should even be uttered in my presence.

So he is telling her, with crystal clear communication (which, BTW, good for him!), that yes, we can have this relationship. Doing stuff together + regular sex. For 3 years, and then, and only then, can you bring up marriage. Maybe.

Sure, if she knew via a tarot card, that in 3 years time, they'd get engaged, she'd be okay with that. But no such tarot card exists. All that exists are her precious years.

There are great guys out there who want marriage & a family. Find one of them.

When someone tells you flat out what they want or don't want-- believe them. Stick to your goals. I would not get further involved with this guy. Because one day when you wake up at 35 and he is still not ready, it will be your own fault. He told you from the get go.

Sure you have a good connection whatever.... you can find that with someone that also wants to marry in a few years and have kids. Don't short change yourself. You'll be kicking yourself in the long run.

No don't waste your time. Unless you want to be early 30s and regretting your choices.

We were talking about how our parents want us to get married etc. And he said he needs more than 2-3 years to get married. I didnt ask why. I wanted to keep it light. As it was our first date.

I agree with LHgirl, 3 years is a very long time to waste at your age to find out at the end of it, that he still does not want to get married.

It makes more sense to find someone else who is on the same page as you.

We were talking about how our parents want us to get married etc. And he said he needs more than 2-3 years to get married. I didnt ask why. I wanted to keep it light. As it was our first date.

Wanting to wait 3 years is standard, but this seems more a case of him not wanting that at all. Who knows he could turn 35 and suddenly want it, but you're def not sticking around.

Him saying 3 years is likely his way of getting anyone he dates to shut up about marriage, right now. He just doesn't want it. [/b]

While I agree with the overall sentiment here—especially the part about believing what people tell you—I don't totally agree with this.

Are there men in their late 20s who know, in their bones, that they're out there looking for marriage and kids? Yes, and if that's what OP wants then, yes, she should cut bait and make sure that's clearly stated off the bat.

But I think for a lot of men in their late 20s it's hard to think about marriage when you haven't yet met someone you want to marry. Like, my best friend. He nebulously knew he'd be married and have kids some day, but when he met his now wife he just wanted time to explore their romance, so I suspect he said something like, "I don't see myself getting married for a few years." Which was true. But after about a year or so, it was very clear this was his life partner, and he was always a present and committed boyfriend, hardly a wishy washy dude.

But, yes, it is important to feel that your goals are more aligned than not. My gf and I are very new, but we do know that the other has partnership/family goals...down the line. 2-4 years. Whether we become that with each other, who knows? Way too early for that, but it is nice knowing we're on the same page.

Don't date him. For one, he's got emotional baggage from a cheating GF, two, he doesn't see himself getting married. You are an adult with clear goals and expectations...this guy doesn't...you need to keep on moving on. The only missed opportunity you have here is that if you stay, you will miss out on meeting a man that has the same clear goals and expectations.

When a guy tells you what you don't want to hear, you better believe him because he is telling you the absolute truth. This guy doesn't want marriage, kids, etc.

So, if you want marriage and a family, especially at your age, you can't afford to waste time on a guy who doesn't want what you want and hope he'll change his mind 3-5 years from now. What will happen is that 3-5 years from now, you'll have to face your mistake and start over with someone else, while your time and ability to have the family that you want is getting lower and lower. Don't do that to yourself. Life is too short for that kind of gambling. Be thankful he was honest and move on.

Edit: Not a first date topic!!!

Not even a 10th date topic.

Are you having the conversation after a few months of dating or after 1,2,3 years of a "relationship?"

The context matters.

If a short-term date asked about that? I would have answered that way regardless of my true intent. it's a method of tapping the brakes.

Before tossing him to the curb, explore it bit more with him. If he is solid in that attitude and your math doesn't work for the baby time, you have to end it.

Otherwise, keep soldiering on.

We were talking about how our parents want us to get married etc. And he said he needs more than 2-3 years to get married. I didnt ask why. I wanted to keep it light. As it was our first date.

Okay, so this was one date? I'm sorry—maybe this is just the vague dude in me—but that sounds like a pretty solid response on a first date. He's 28ish and saying he'd like to get married at 30-31ish?

It was your first date. Date him. DATE. Do not have sex. Do not become his gf. Do not spend all weekend. Get to know him first.

Your overthinking is a little flawed: you can not depend on the outcome, when it is subject to f3externalities. Pregnancy challenges, say, or family issues, or who knows what. Better to be with the right man than have the kid on time with the wrong one.

I like that he has been single for six. He isn't compelled to partner up; he likely is more comfortable with himself than many. Go on date no. 2.

Learn to unfold relationships in small increments.

Either that or the girl screwed him up big time.

Either that or the girl screwed him up big time.

Or both. That is what dating is for. How can he know when he wants to marry if he's not met the woman. Is he supposed to get married to whomever he is dating in 26 months?

He is marriage oriented. Enough with pinning him into a future vision.

OP why can't you become romantic friends and learn more?

Or both. That is what dating is for. How can he know when he wants to marry if he's not met the woman. Is he supposed to get married to whomever he is dating in 26 months?

 

He is marriage oriented. Enough with pinning him into a future vision.

 

OP why can't you become romantic friends and learn more?

Ok so it was our first date. And, i agree i should date him more and get to know him more.

While I agree with the overall sentiment here—especially the part about believing what people tell you—I don't totally agree with this.

 

Are there men in their late 20s who know, in their bones, that they're out there looking for marriage and kids? Yes, and if that's what OP wants then, yes, she should cut bait and make sure that's clearly stated off the bat.

 

But I think for a lot of men in their late 20s it's hard to think about marriage when you haven't yet met someone you want to marry. Like, my best friend. He nebulously knew he'd be married and have kids some day, but when he met his now wife he just wanted time to explore their romance, so I suspect he said something like, "I don't see myself getting married for a few years." Which was true. But after about a year or so, it was very clear this was his life partner, and he was always a present and committed boyfriend, hardly a wishy washy dude.

 

But, yes, it is important to feel that your goals are more aligned than not. My gf and I are very new, but we do know that the other has partnership/family goals...down the line. 2-4 years. Whether we become that with each other, who knows? Way too early for that, but it is nice knowing we're on the same page.

The difference here is that the guy has told her, and he couldn't be more crystal clear with his words: Marriage. No. Not for 3 years. At least.

He's not dating to see how he feels, or that if he falls in love, he'll change his mind, or any of another 800 scenarios we can dream up.

He couldn't be more clear and precise: No marriage talk for 3 years. Period.

I don't think you're going to find what you're looking for, OP. He has already told you.

If he is very clear about that on the first date, believe him.

Do you think he is going to change his mind? Is this why you're still pursuing him?

Sorry but I disagree with those posting to carry on with him.

Yes, you should pay attention on that first date or two or three. IF a person tells you so early on that they aren't into marriage or kids - that's not something you disregard. They are telling you up front about a serious lifestyle incompatibility and you better believe it. The very reason for bringing it up so early on is precisely not to lead people on or waste people's time when your life goals and values are too different.

As for vomiting up personal emotional, life, past relationship issues - again, be thankful that came out so fast. Again, he is telling you that he is damaged goods and now it's on you whether you risk getting involved or do what's smart and step away. Basically, if you get involved with someone who is carrying such emotional baggage still, you are willingly signing up to get used and hurt and have given up the right to complain about it because you were warned up front.

No, I'm sorry, but you don't keep dating people like that hoping for some Hollywood rom com magical outcome where he suddenly fixes himself, wants what you want and the two of you ride off into the sunset. Real life just doesn't work like that.

Can she at least go on a second date?

I would have said all the same things he said... because it was and is important to me to have marriage grow out of a partner, not the other way around.

Can she at least go on a second date?

 

I would have said all the same things he said... because it was and is important to me to have marriage grow out of a partner, not the other way around.

If she were my friend? I'd say no, turn down the second date.

Because he didn't say he wants marriage to grow, etc.

He's told her, flat-out, no marriage talk for 3 years. Period.

He couldn't be more clear with his words. Believe him.