How long would you want your date to be out of a relationship?

Hello,

I was dumped a few months ago after a 10+ year thing.

I've been trying to get back out there & meet people, but I've had a few dates say it's been "so soon." For at least one it was too soon (i.e., a dealbreaker). Adding to my uncertainty is that the past relationship was actually my first, and wasn't the result of the usual dating rigmarole, so now I'm pretty much dating for the first time ever, and apparently have the cloud of a past relationship hanging over me.

So to anyone willing to answer, I'm curious: how long would you want someone you're dating to have been out of a relationship for? A 10 year one, if that makes a difference. Assuming things are otherwise going well of course.

And, secondarily: what criteria do you use to figure out whether you've moved on enough after a breakup to fairly date someone again?

I know, "it depends" and "it's different for everyone." But I'd love to know what these answers depend on for you personally.

Well, after a relationship that long I'd personally say about a year. But then it depends on if you feel over it? I've gone out with a guy a few months out of a relationship and all he could do is talk about his ex. Not attractive or interesting.

I mean, dating is a good way to help you get over it by seeing there are more opportunities out there, but maybe just casual dating and nothing long term? Make it clear you're just up for meeting new people.

When I first read the post title my original thought was arbitrary number. Whether it’s 6 months or 6 years, we all heal and recover at different rates so there is no right answer just a general idea based on time in a relationship.

But then I read your post. You’re doing something during these dates that’s sending these woman red flag alarms and they’re bailing.

So my question to you is what are you doing?

There’s a big ole chunk of the story missing here, so please, elaborate.

Unfortunately with the invention of online dating it’s made dating as easy as opening up our phones. That has been a huge disservice to the dating world because people now use dating as a coping mechanism in a much larger scale. People have always done that, but again with dating apps making dating so easy a person who spent all morning leaving voicemails on their exes answer machine, crying into a pillow and stalking their exes social media can then go out for ice cream at 6:00pm with ease and people are none the wiser, until they let the crazy out, which while the date was easy to make, is hard to hide in the long term.

If you aren’t ready you aren’t ready and if multiple women are telling you, you aren’t ready and they don’t even know you, I’m going to guess you aren’t ready.

Well....if your ex called you today and said she wants to work things out and get back together - would you run to her?

If you ran into your ex randomly, would your heart beat faster?

Then you aren't ready to date. However, if you are at peace, I mean truly at peace with the ending because for whatever reason or reasons the relationship was essentially long dead, you were both checked out and it was just a question of who is willing to pull that trigger first, then you might be able to date and be fine. It really depends on your emotional state.

If you are dating to prove you still got it or fend off loneliness, fill a void your ex left behind, if there is some sense of desperation...you aren't ready to date and possibly what your dates are picking up on when they say you aren't ready.

That said, there is also a definite bias out there that nobody could possibly be ready to date a few months out of such a long term relationship. Generally, people are wary of being the rebound and want to see that you are at least a year or more out and have really moved on, become comfortable being single, have established your own life and sense of self, have even dated around casually and so are now ready for something more serious.

Personally, I don't think there is any moratorium on when you should and shouldn't be dating. However, you might want to look for women who aren't looking for a serious relationship at this moment, but rather are looking of something more casual and easy going.

If it's a long relationship, ie more than 3 years, I would say at the very minimum, a year. Preferably closer to 2. I would still prefer someone to be out of something at least 8 months (for shorter relationships). Some ppl are very codependent.

For 10+ years I'd say 3 years at least. Right now it is way too soon.

3 years?!?!? Lawd, I’d have cobwebs growing 😂

You're trying to find someone emotionally adjusted, not someone who still has baggage. 3 years isn't that long.

You're trying to find someone emotionally adjusted, not someone who still has baggage. 3 years isn't that long.

I hear you. I still think its an arbitrary number.

Dont get me wrong, I think there should be a time period of being single, but thinking that long time periods means the person is over it, in my opinion, is a crap shoot, there was a poster here the other day still obsessed 5 years later, but mostly, I'd think one would be hard pressed to meet someone who stayed completely single for 3 years.

Also, everyones got baggage. Even people who have never been in relationships, they have baggage from not being in a relationship. How is your baggage being handled? To me, thats the most important thing.

I agree with Figureitout. I never took a long break from dating and sometimes it was a mistake. How baggage is being handled -yup, totally agree. We all have it.

Speaking only for myself, I don't want to walk in muddy waters. I want to date people who are long stabilized solo and are dating out of desire rather than a 'need'. A year following a LTR breakup or divorce is filled with milestones and holidays that need to be reclaimed. Someone who leapfrogs straight out of a relationship into dating may be a perfectly good person, but I'd tell him that he's welcome to contact me after the first year mark of his breakup if he's still interested. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up.

Speaking only for myself, I don't want to walk in muddy waters. I want to date people who are long stabilized solo and are dating out of desire rather than a 'need'. A year following a LTR breakup or divorce is filled with milestones and holidays that need to be reclaimed. Someone who leapfrogs straight out of a relationship into dating may be a perfectly good person, but I'd tell him that he's welcome to contact me after the first year mark of his breakup if he's still interested. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up.

Yes, if a divorce then single for at least a year, for several reasons. I see dating someone or being in an LTR especially without a family as different.

Yes, if a divorce then single for at least a year, for several reasons. I see dating someone or being in an LTR especially without a family as different.

The longer the relationship, the longer people tend to stay in 'relationship mode'. That's a mindset that gets transferred onto new dates and brings with it certain habits and expectations prematurely. While some people are better at curbing this than others, I've never had a great outcome when attempting to date someone who's straight out of a 5 or 10 YEAR partnership regardless of a marriage contract.

I don't consider my preferences as 'rules' for all. I'm just not interested in participating in 'transference'. That's a very real phenomenon that's better worked out with a therapist or life experience with others rather than with ME.

The longer the relationship, the longer people tend to stay in 'relationship mode'. That's a mindset that gets transferred onto new dates and brings with it certain habits and expectations prematurely. While some people are better at curbing this than others, I've never had a great outcome when attempting to date someone who's straight out of a 5 or 10 YEAR partnership regardless of a marriage contract.

 

I don't consider my preferences as 'rules' for all. I'm just not interested in participating in 'transference'. That's a very real phenomenon that's better worked out with a therapist or life experience with others rather than with ME.

Yes. I always believed in the one year divorced rule. I agree it often applies to certain LTRs and might be longer than a year. With a divorce I just wasn't going to date a married person and separated is "married". When my husband and I started dating I was 6 months out of an on again off again LTR (and had already been dating) and he'd recently ended a one year relationship within the last few months. All worked out fine.

The longer the relationship, the longer people tend to stay in 'relationship mode'. That's a mindset that gets transferred onto new dates and brings with it certain habits and expectations prematurely. While some people are better at curbing this than others, I've never had a great outcome when attempting to date someone who's straight out of a 5 or 10 YEAR partnership regardless of a marriage contract.

 

I don't consider my preferences as 'rules' for all. I'm just not interested in participating in 'transference'. That's a very real phenomenon that's better worked out with a therapist or life experience with others rather than with ME.

Straight out is relative isn’t it?

Few months, eh.... a year, to me, you’re good.

I hate to repeat myself but especially with the growing popularity of online dating, I would love to meet someone who stayed completely single years and years after a breakup.

I personally have not met anyone who has done that. The most I’ve seen is a year ( myself ) many people I know in real life are out there 5 and 6 month later tops.

I think this goes along with the standard for his board and reality.

I completely agree with Cat feeder that I don’t want to deal with someone else’s baggage. I rant and rave on here about that, it’s frustrating to me how very many people use dating as a coping mechanism and statistically look how many talk about it on these threads. Can you imagine the staggering number who do it in our day to day lives?

I still think anyone who thinks long periods of time is a good indication of someone’s emotional health is fooling themselves . I remember reading a post where the poster said they both haven’t been in a relationship for 5 years. To me, that’s going to cause me to take pause. Why the heck have you been single for that long?

This is coming from someone who has been single for a minute now. I know how to be alone, I am completely comfortable being alone but there are things I have to learn that I cannot learn unless I’m actively dating.

However long it takes you to heal and decide you’re ready is personal, to me at least.

When I first read the post title my original thought was arbitrary number. Whether it’s 6 months or 6 years, we all heal and recover at different rates so there is no right answer just a general idea based on time in a relationship.

 

But then I read your post. You’re doing something during these dates that’s sending these woman red flag alarms and they’re bailing.

 

So my question to you is what are you doing?

 

There’s a big ole chunk of the story missing here, so please, elaborate.

+1. OP, just because someone asks a question, doesn't mean you have to answer it. If a woman were to ask me that question, I would just say that I'm not with anyone, and I'm not thinking of anyone. They don't have to know your business. Besides, how does anyone know who's telling the truth.

As far as how long to wait after a breakup? Who knows. A person can be in a 10 year relationship, but has already mentally checked out of it 2 years earlier, and is just waiting for the right time to leave. Another person could have been in a 6 month relationship, and it will take years for them to move on. There is no correct number. Either your mouth, or body movements (or both) is telling these women that you're not ready to date again.

For a 10 year relationship, I'd want someone to be a year out of the relationship.

Straight out is relative isn’t it?

 

Few months, eh.... a year, to me, you’re good.

 

I hate to repeat myself but especially with the growing popularity of online dating, I would love to meet someone who stayed completely single years and years after a breakup.

 

I personally have not met anyone who has done that. The most I’ve seen is a year ( myself ) many people I know in real life are out there 5 and 6 month later tops.

 

I think this goes along with the standard for his board and reality.

 

I completely agree with Cat feeder that I don’t want to deal with someone else’s baggage. I rant and rave on here about that, it’s frustrating to me how very many people use dating as a coping mechanism and statistically look how many talk about it on these threads. Can you imagine the staggering number who do it in our day to day lives?

 

I still think anyone who thinks long periods of time is a good indication of someone’s emotional health is fooling themselves . I remember reading a post where the poster said they both haven’t been in a relationship for 5 years. To me, that’s going to cause me to take pause. Why the heck have you been single for that long?

 

This is coming from someone who has been single for a minute now. I know how to be alone, I am completely comfortable being alone but there are things I have to learn that I cannot learn unless I’m actively dating.

 

However long it takes you to heal and decide you’re ready is personal, to me at least.

Not everyone's life revolves around getting into a relationship. I know lots of people that have been single for ages and there is nothing wrong with them. I would think having a career, hanging out with friends and just living life is enough.

Being able to be single and not rely on someone shows confidence in yourself. I don't think it's a bad thing?

Not everyone's life revolves around getting into a relationship. I know lots of people that have been single for ages and there is nothing wrong with them. I would think having a career, hanging out with friends and just living life is enough.

 

Being able to be single and not rely on someone shows confidence in yourself. I don't think it's a bad thing?

I agree! If dating isn't your goal, it isn't your goal, its not really my goal right now, I'm focused on the holidays, so I am one of those people.

But if it does suddenly become a goal for someone after some time and you approach me after you've been out of the game for 6 and 7 years...well I dont know that I want to be your practice run. Id most likely still go on a date and get to know you, but my antennas would probably be raised.

Plus, not everyone who is single is happy and healthy.

I am married and also independent. I don't "rely" on my husband in a needy way. And when I was single I had friends and family and acquaintances so I didn't just "rely" on myself then either -part of personal relationships is you do for each other and that doesn't mean you're any less your own person/independent. When I had a career and friends and volunteer work and activities it was fun and fulfilling and I never told myself it was "enough" meaning I was giving up my goal of eventual marriage and family. For me personally it would not have been enough to feel totally fulfilled. Just like I wouldn't have felt totally fulfilled if I didn't go for it as far as my professional life. And, my life also didn't "revolve" around getting in a relationship - since it was a major goal, my free time was spent mostly on being in situations where I could meet single men or people who knew of single men. But not "revolving" in an obsessive way.

I think relying on oneself as a sign of confidence should be done whatever your relationship situation. I think saying "I don't need anyone" is not necessarily a sign of self confidence.