Seeing ex at event this weekend. Advice on how to handle it?(LONG - PLEASE HELP)

Hey fellow ENAers,

I'm seeing my ex-girlfriend (lesbian relationship) this weekend at an event that she is participating in and I am going to watch. Is there any advice on how to handle this situation for the best? In short, she texted me last night wanting to catch up (I agreed to be friends after the breakup happened, which was about a month ago. We were in a relationship for 1.5 years) and I acted quite cold and distant as I was hesitant on her intentions to contact me. She got quite upset and said that she would just go to bed because I was not interested. That was when I dropped the bomb and confessed that I changed my mind and do not want to stay friends with her anymore. I have been second guessing this decision the whole day and I am really not sure if this was the right decision...

More background:

Basically, my ex and I started dating in high school. I am currently 17 and she is currently 15. We started long distance because I recently graduated from high school (she is now a sophomore) and I moved back to my home country for university. Our relationship when we were geographically together was so perfect. We loved each other a lot and we were each others' first everything. I know she was genuine in the relationship because we both shed so many tears when the distance started to creep up on both of us.

So our long distance officially started when summer holidays began. One month into our long distance relationship, we got into a fight and she broke up with me. During that fight, she said that she was "still 15" and "didn't know if she could do the distance anymore". That time, she didn't officially break up with me and I was the one who suggested it in a way. But she was still the one to break up with me. One of the major reasons that time, which she told me, was my anger issues. The next day, she messaged me saying that she was overreacting and that she understood that there is a reason for me expressing my anger emotions. It was so genuine and I gave her another chance a few days later. About a week and a half later, she texted me saying that we should take a break for about a week for her to sort out her emotions. That hurt me a lot but I gave her the space she needed. It lasted about 3 days. She then texted me again and told me so many genuine things that I thought that our relationship would be stronger after letting her reflect over it. She even said that she saw me in a wedding dress and it made her so happy she cried! (Guess her level of interest skyrocketed at that time). Over the next two months, I fixed my anger issues and worked on myself. However, because I had the lingering thought at the back of my head that she already left me once, I was so anxious that she could break me again. Slowly, she started telling me that she couldn't really see the future and did not understand how I could picture everything in the future anymore. This was weird to me because when we were together (about 5 months into our relationship), she would always say how our future would be like. She would also talk about the future once in a while during the our first month of LDR. This gradually changed. I would continue to talk about the future to motivate the both of us (or so I thought, but I guess it was just me) and I felt that she would shy away every time I talked about it.

Of course, this made me more anxious. I started texting her a lot. I started being very clingy and needy. I did not want to lose her. One of my major reasons for coming back to my home country for university was to be closer to her, rather than going to Canada or Europe.

Eventually, I started feeling that she was forcing herself to say that she loved me and say that she would always be with me. This made me very depressed because a part of me knew what was to come. But of course, the confident and hopeful part of me was still pushing and trying to cling on. One day, we were on a call and I asked her what her motivation was to stay with me. That's when the breakup happened.

It hurt so much. It was official this time. I did all the wrong things too. I begged and pleaded. I asked her what the reason was. Her first reason was that she didn't know why, that it was probably the distance, and that people usually only did LDR for a year and we were "going to do it for 10 years?". But I believed that there was some other problem. I wanted something that I could fix. After pushing her, she said that she just "fell out of love" and that she got back with me the first time because she did not have any reason to break up with me the first time. She told me that she probably already fell out of love before the LDR even started, but was "blinded by my presence".

She wanted to stay friends because she didn't want me to be gone and that she still wanted me in her life. I was an emotional wreck so I agreed. A part of me knew that the LDR may not have worked out eventually because we did not have a solid ending date, which led me to agree with her that at this point being friends was better. However, the amount of hurt that gave me drove me to search for some advice online. Turns out, the reason why it hurt so much was because even though I knew that the LDR may not have worked out because there wasn't a solid ending date, I still wanted to be with her because I did not care if there was an end date or not. I love her for who she is. I love her for her best attributes. I love how she smiles when I act silly. I love her for her worst. Even though pet peeves drove me nuts, it did not matter as I loved her for who she is... or was.

Anyway, after the breakup, we chatted for another week or so. During that time, we talked in circles because I kept bringing up the breakup. She noted that she "didn't know if she loved me anymore or wanted to be friends" and "don't know if I feel bad or still like you". I'm not sure if she is being honest about this or not. She told me that she would figure it out and maybe we could talk about it at the event (I seriously don't think this is going to happen because of how cold I was during the recent text conversation, which I'll get into in a bit). When I asked her about if she reflected on the relationship, she said she did. She said it was honestly going very well, except that I seemed to depend on her a lot (my anxiety, of course) and texting me was like texting her mom. Well, now I know exactly why she felt that way and I've been working on that for the past few weeks. I've been establishing my own life in this new city and am becoming more independent. However, I just can't shake the feeling of being hopeful with her still.

After that week, I did not contact her for 2.5 weeks. She initiated contact twice. I noticed that during the period of NC, she would always look on my snapchat story. It hurt me too much to look at her's or her friends' so I stayed away. The first initiated contact was a response to some animals on my story. That conversation was just a small response from me and that was it. Two days later from that first contact, which was last night, she texted me "hey sorry I haven't chatted you the last few weeks" and "what's up". I waited an hour or so before replying. I kept my replies short and did not advance the conversation. Basically, I came off as really cold. She then got quite annoyed at me and told me she would just go to bed because it seemed like I did not want to talk to her. That was when I told her I do not want to be friends anymore. I'm really not sure if this was the right decision. I'm not sure why she wanted to stay friends in the first place. Was it maybe because in the future we could cross paths again and that she was genuinely unsure of her feelings for me? Maybe it really was because the distance was too much and she felt like it was better for us to stay friends to see if there was another opportunity for the future?

I'm not sure how I will act with her this weekend when I see her. I think I really pushed her away now... Any advice? Is this the end?

You posted this in "getting back together", is that what you are hoping for?

You started dating when she was only 13 and a half years old??

Under review.